by J. H. Croix
I shook my head, but I couldn’t seem to speak.
His eyes widened in alarm. “Let me go get the nurse.”
He started to pull away, but I tightened my arms on his waist, shaking my head again. “It’s not that. It’s just been a shitty day...”
I forced myself to stop talking. I didn’t need Caleb, of all people, to know how much I’d stumbled in life. I’d already sent his life careening sideways once before.
“What is it?” he asked, his eyes searing into me. “If you need anything, you know all you have to do is ask.”
I almost burst into tears again. Because that was so Caleb—he was just a solid guy with a heart of gold and I’d fucked it all up. Everything about him and who he was felt so much bigger in this moment. I’d come running home because I was finally trying to face the mess I’d left behind. A big part of that mess was Caleb and wanting to make things right. Maybe if he could forgive me, I could forgive myself.
“Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. I’m just so glad you’re here,” I said. I meant it so sincerely, it made my heart hurt.
He loosened his hand in my hair and brushed a few locks away from my forehead, checking the bandage there. The cut was right along my hairline, so I was hoping the scar wouldn’t be too bad.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” he said, his tone so careful I almost cried all over again.
I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t. It was too embarrassing.
We stared at each other again. Oh God. It felt so good to be close to him. For the first time in years, I felt like I could relax. I wanted to wrap myself in Caleb and stay there forever.
My next words startled me. “I miss you.” The moment those words escaped, I wanted to grab them and stuff them back inside. I didn’t need to blurt out all kinds of crazy, emotional stuff. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.
Caleb stared at me, the hand circling on my back finally pausing. He swallowed, the sound audible in the room. My awareness of him was so heightened, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” he nearly growled.
Emotion was rushing through me, mingling with desire that should’ve seemed out of place given everything that had happened, but it didn’t. Wanting Caleb came as easily as breathing to me. It always had. I’d forgotten how powerful the draw was. Raw joy rose through the scrum of tattered regret and lingering pain, striking against that desire like flint to stone.
This was me, this was Caleb. Us. There had never been anyone but him in my heart, and my body knew it. He strummed every chord of my being simply by existing in space and time near me.
With a muttered imprecation, he dipped his head, kissing one corner of my mouth and then the other. Oh geez. I was a sucker for corner kisses, at least when it came to him. Two more kisses dusted at the corners of my mouth and then I sighed. His tongue swiped along the seam of my lips, and I let go with a low moan.
I held onto him as if he was a life raft in the middle of the ocean, burrowing into him as our tongues tangled. My heart was beating so fast, I could barely breathe. A pager call came over the hospital speakers, and he drew back slowly, his forehead falling to mine.
We stood like that, our breath coming in heaves. Placing my palm on his chest, I felt his heartbeat racing madly just like mine.
Chapter Three
Caleb
The flames licked high into the sky. I stood at a distance, watching the house in front of the crew burn down. The fire was quickening. We could hear the air starting to rush into it, filling in the spaces opened up by sections of roof collapsing inward. Watching the flames flash high in the sky, my mind spun back over ten years ago.
We were in high school, returning from a fun day of skiing. Ella was with me, along with my best buddy Jake and his girl Holly. Jake and I were seniors, while Ella and Holly were two years behind us in school. It wasn’t too late that night, but it was winter in Alaska, so it was dark even at eight o’clock at night. Ella was driving along Turnagain Arm. The name was so accurate, it could almost be a joke. Turnagain Arm was a stretch of highway south of Anchorage. It wound along the shoreline of Cook Inlet, hugging the mountainside. As such, it turned again and again and again, weaving along the inlet to the south and Kenai Peninsula.
On that cold winter night, rounding one of the corners, another car was coming around from the other side. We would later learn the driver was drunk. He plowed into Ella’s parents’ car, sending the car into a tailspin. It rolled a few times before coming to a stop at the base of a small bluff.
I remembered the smell of fuel and the adrenaline pumping through me. Jake was thrown from the vehicle. Ella and Holly were alive, yet injured. I happened to be in the passenger seat, the only part of the car that hadn’t gotten bashed in as it rolled down the bluff.
Back in high school, I’d already started my volunteer fire department training. So I had some idea of what to do. I scrambled out of the car, ignoring the gash on my shoulder. Holly was right behind me. Although she was injured, she crawled through the broken window on the back passenger side. Meanwhile, the smell of fuel was overpowering. In a flash, flames engulfed the car. All I could remember was I needed to get Ella out as fast as possible. She’d gone from crying to deadly quiet. I couldn’t hear a thing with the sound of the fire taking hold and roaring in my ears.
I remembered the heat surrounding me as I reached through the flames. By pure luck, Ella was easy to reach, and I dragged her out of the car. We both got burned. She was in much worse shape than me with a ragged gash on her thigh and burns on her side and one of her legs. My forearms were singed, but nothing more. I still had the scars to prove it.
Not that I needed a damn thing to remind me of that night.
After that, I remembered the cold air against my skin feeling strange, and the panic pounding through me as I checked on Ella and raced over to check on Jake. He was dead. He’d been thrown against the rocks near the highway. They told us later he died on impact.
I never forgot the raw fear that raced through me when I saw him—lying limp against the rocks, a deep gash on his forehead, and his neck at an odd angle. Through my fear, I managed to check for a pulse and got nothing. Thinking back, I probably knew he was dead before I even got to him, but adrenaline was pumping through me like crazy. Even without feeling a pulse, I’d attempted CPR—a futile endeavor, but I’d felt like I had to try.
Holly had a few cuts and bruises and a broken arm, but nothing more. She’d been strangely calm, or so it had seemed. She’d stayed at Ella’s side while I crossed the highway to check on Jake. Though I supposed I had seemed calm as well. When you’re numb with fear and shock, it can look like calm on the outside.
After the accident, I graduated from high school, barely getting through the last few months. The ache of losing Jake and the trauma of how it happened was brutal.
Ella and I broke up. I couldn’t tell you now if either one of us wanted that to happen, but it was what happened. She felt responsible for the accident, even though it wasn’t her fault. Not at all. She just happened to be the one in the driver’s seat when that idiot plowed into us.
So there was that. I went to college, while Ella stayed behind to finish high school and later went to college. The paths of our lives went in different directions. I was drawn back to Willow Brook, my commitment to firefighting only growing deeper as a result of the tragedy. While I hadn’t been able to save Jake that night—hell, I hadn’t even had a chance—I’d saved many other lives since then.
Except for the other day, the last time I’d seen Ella had been about five years ago. We ran into each other in the grocery store. My mother had been with me, so we’d had a polite interaction and nothing more. It had hurt to see her, if only because she seemed so far away—an edge to her and a distance that had never been there before. When you fall in love, or lust, in high school, well, it’s hard to make sense of any of it.
When you were young, everything felt new and powerful
—golden days filled with the vitality of youth, the sense that life could give you the chances you wanted. There was that and the blunt fact that youthful lust was like no other—a wild, unrestrained force with no artifice to ruin it. Ella had been quiet, brainy and beautiful. I’d loved everything about her.
Another five years went by. I saw Cade, Ella’s older brother, almost every day. He had enough sense to leave me in peace, but then I never knew if he knew how much I missed Ella.
Hell, I didn’t know how much I missed Ella until I saw her the other day.
“Caleb!”
I spun around to see the superintendent for my crew calling my name. I walked in his direction, glancing back at the house falling into itself behind me. This call had come in too late for us to keep the house from being destroyed. But we were damn lucky it came in at all. This was a hunting lodge, a nice one. It was surrounded by acres and acres of wilderness. If we hadn’t gotten here to control the burn, it likely would’ve spread and turned into a forest fire.
As it was, we had just returned from a week of dealing with another forest fire about fifty miles north as the crow flies. We were heading into autumn. Fire season was still in full swing here in Alaska.
I reached Ward’s side and glanced to him. “Yes?”
Ward flashed a grin. “Thought I’d see if you’d be willing to head back to the station early. We’ve got this in hand, but there’s another fire in town. As you know, Cade’s crew is out in the field and the local crew is at training. We’re the closest. I figure you take half of our guys and handle that.”
“Of course,” I replied.
“Perfect,” Ward said, his gray eyes narrowing as he watched one of the new guys on our crew knock a ladder over.
I enjoyed working on Ward’s crew. He was easy going, once he knew you were solid, that is. I’d taken the position as foreman after Ward’s now-fiancée had switched to the local crew because she was having a baby. The timing worked for me. I’d been away from Willow Brook up in Fairbanks for a few years. After I finished my hotshot training, there were no openings here, so I’d taken a position there. When this opened up, I jumped at the chance to move home. I couldn’t have guessed Ella would land here.
With a wave, I turned from Ward and gathered up half the crew to go deal with the call.
At the station that evening, I tossed my towel in the hamper after my shower. The fire in town had been fairly minor, which was a good thing because we’d been busy the last few weeks. I slipped onto the bench after changing into fresh jeans and a T-shirt and guzzled a bottle of water. I could hear the television filtering in from the break room, along with the humming sound of a treadmill and feet pounding on it.
Ella was on my brain. But then she’d been on my brain for a week straight now. Aside from when I stopped to see her in the hospital, I hadn’t seen her again. Yet. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and the way it felt to finally hold her again for the first time in years. Our kiss was seared into my thoughts.
I miss you.
She’d shocked the hell out of me with her words. I hadn’t ever quite come to terms with the way things ended with us. In fact, if I were being honest with myself, I knew I’d botched it. I’d missed her ever since.
See, the thing was, we were a mess after that accident. Ella was in the burn recovery center in Anchorage. Holly’s injuries had been superficial, but she was a wreck. And Jake was dead. It was so final. My perspective now on death was different, if only because I had faced it enough to understand it was part of life. But back then, Jake’s death had hit me hard and left me reeling.
I’d never ever been angry with Ella because I’d known perfectly well she simply happened to be the driver when the other guy ran into us. All of us were struggling with survivor’s guilt. Yet, Ella had it the worst. By far. She was also dealing with the most severe injuries. By some miracle, I’d come out of it with nothing more than the burns on my arms and a few other gashes.
When I walked in the hospital that day to see Ella and she’d broken up with me, I reacted in anger because it felt like everything was falling apart then. My best friend was dead, my girl was a mess and she was shutting me out. With steel reinforced doors.
I didn’t even know how to describe what seeing her the other day had done to me inside. It had brought back an avalanche of feelings that I’d boxed up and put away. Because I’d felt like I had no other choice. Everything was a knotted mess. If you asked me what was harder—losing Jake or losing Ella—I couldn’t have told you because those two losses were all tangled up inside of each other.
To hear that Ella missed me had been like a kick to my gut and a punch to my heart. Then to feel her and kiss her? Hell. It nearly brought me to my knees.
I thought she’d ruined me before, but now it was worse. I knew her, even though I’d tried to forget how well I knew her. Something else was going on. Something or someone hurt her.
With a hard mental shake, I tossed the empty water bottle into the recycling bin in the corner. I stood, snagging my denim jacket out of my locker. I shrugged into it and headed out. I waved at the guys watching television and shouldered through the door into the back parking lot. Cade Masters stood there, talking to his wife—tall, leggy Amelia Masters. With her amber hair and eyes, she was gorgeous, but didn’t do a damn thing for me. Which was convenient because Cade would kick my ass.
They’d been married for a few years now. They’d also been high school sweethearts and had a break up for the ages. Despite that, they’d found their way back to each other. I couldn’t help but wonder if I could have the same chance with Ella.
Cade said something to Amelia and then slipped his hand in her hair, pulling her close for a quick kiss. She stepped back, her cheeks flushed as she glanced my way. She gave a little wave and then turned, striding to her truck and leaving.
It appeared Cade wanted to talk to me. He waited where he was until I reached him.
“What’s up?” I asked, stopping in front of him.
“You seen Ella?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Not since I stopped by to see her in the hospital.”
Cade and I hadn’t actually spoken about her recent accident and the fact I pulled her out of the car. I figured if he were pissed about it, he would’ve said something by now.
“I know Beck was worried you took a risk pulling her out by yourself. For what it’s worth, I want you to know I would’ve done the same thing,” he said.
My surprise must’ve shown on my face because he continued. “I heard Beck had words with you about it. I’d never expect anybody to wait around like that. Not that I don’t get his point. He’s talking rules, but well… Anyway, I think you know what I mean.”
“I do,” I said simply. “How is she?” My question slipped out unbidden.
Cade eyed me, raking a hand through his shaggy brown curls. There was absolutely nothing feminine about Cade, but Ella and him were so much alike. She shared the same rich brown hair and moss green eyes. Cade was a good guy, and I knew he’d been hit hard by the accident years ago. I’d been too young and too thrown sideways by it to pay much attention to everyone around me, but I remembered him and their parents at the hospital. I knew he worried about Ella, but we’d rarely talked about her.
I sensed Cade had more to say, so I decided to cut to the chase. “Something up with Ella? I mean, aside from her car accident last week.”
Cade ran his hand through his hair again, a ragged sigh coming out. “You know Ella does her own thing, and she has for years. You know as well as I do with that accident in high school, well she’s never been quite the same. It’s not like she hasn’t stayed in touch. She has, but she’s kept her distance. Something’s up though, and I’m not sure what. She had her dream job and now she just up and left. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond glad she’s back home, but… If I sound crazy, all I can say is my gut is giving me a bad feeling. If she trusts anyone, it’s you,” he said flatly, his eyes locked with mine.
&
nbsp; Staring at him, I took a deep breath. I didn’t even know how to absorb what he meant. Ella had practically cut me out of her life with a surgical knife after the accident. Why he thought she trusted me was beyond me. “Dude, she hardly talks to me.”
Cade nodded. “I know. I’m just saying I know you mean a lot to her. As far as I know, she hasn’t dated anyone since high school. Not in any way that was serious.”
“Any clue what brought her home?”
Cade shrugged. “I’m not sure, but it’s something to do with her job. She left, which doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. When she got that job, she wouldn’t shut up about how it was her dream. Now, out of nowhere, she quits and comes home.”
After a moment, I nodded. “I’ll try to talk to her, but I think you’re putting more faith in me than you should.”
I drove home, turning Cade’s words in my mind. My gut told me the same thing with less information than him. With everything Ella had already been through, I hoped against hope it wasn’t anything big.
Chapter Four
Ella
I stood in the parking lot behind Wildlands Lodge, watching my mother drive away after dropping me off. My car had been declared totaled by my insurance company, which wasn’t a shocker. The accident hadn’t been so bad, but my old hatchback hadn’t been worth much. The cost to fix it was more than its value. Sigh. Another thing to deal with.
My mother, of course, insisted on giving me a ride tonight and even offered for me to use her car. I’d demurred on that since Holly had promised me she’d give me a ride home. Much as I didn’t like to need anyone, it was nice to be home where I could have some support with those logistical things you miss when you’re not near friends and family—a ride to drop your car off at the shop, someone to pick you up from the airport, little things like that. It was hard to quantify how much those things meant until you didn’t have them.