by J. H. Croix
There was that and so much more. Caleb being the prime example of more. I hadn’t realized how deeply I’d missed him. I’d buried it as far down in my heart as I could, so I wouldn’t have to think about it.
I spun around and stared out over Swan Lake. Much of my childhood had centered around this lake. The lake was visible in the distance from my parents’ house. I used to spend summers along its shores—swimming when it wasn’t too cold and mucking about in the tall grasses along its edges. Swan Lake was the centerpiece of Willow Brook. It was a sprawling lake and had lodges scattered around it.
Floatplanes were docked with the setting sun in the distance casting watercolors across everything, pinks and lavenders shimmering on the lake’s surface. On the heels of a deep breath, I turned away from the view. My friend Holly, one of my best friends from high school, had called and invited me here to ‘grab drinks and catch up’ she’d said. As if it was all so simple.
I walked slowly toward Wildlands. Despite the fact that this place was probably the most popular place in town and had been here as long as I could remember, I hadn’t spent much time in the bar here at all. If only because as soon as I graduated from high school, I’d left town. The accident that had torn Caleb and I apart had sent me skidding sideways, scooting out of Willow Brook as fast as I could. The grief and guilt had weighed on me so heavily, I had simply wanted to escape and mistakenly thought a change of scenery would give me that. Intellectually, I could tell myself the accident hadn’t been my fault, but I’d yet to reach that conclusion inside my heart.
Jake was dead. He’d been Caleb‘s best friend, Holly’s boyfriend, and my friend too. Time had dulled the pain, and I was okay now. Okay was about the best I figured I could hope for and maybe even more than I deserved. I didn’t do it as often as I once did, but I still replayed the night of the accident in my mind, thinking if only I had reacted more quickly, if only, if only… somehow it would’ve turned out differently.
I’d moved away as soon as I could, preferring to run from the painful memories. In running, I’d let other things become too important and that had led me into a mess.
Placing one foot in front of the other, I walked in the back door into Wildlands. Walking down the hallway, I listened to the hum of voices coming from the restaurant and bar. When I stepped into the back of the bar, I glanced around, my eyes searching out Holly. She’d stayed in Willow Brook after high school. She’d gotten her nursing degree and worked in our small hospital here.
Holly waved from over in the corner, her blonde hair standing out in the dim lighting. I couldn’t help but smile. Despite all of my mixed feelings, it was good to see her. She’d snagged a booth in the corner. Threading through the tables, I made my way to her.
Before I managed to sit down, Holly stood and engulfed me in a hug. “Oh my god! It’s so good to see you,” Holly squealed, squeezing my shoulders as she stepped back.
I grinned. She was the same Holly, always bubbly and warm. We’d been a good pair in high school. I was the quieter one with my nose always buried in books, while she was effervescent and funny. Our friendship, born during kindergarten, carried me through the travails of life up until the accident. I had seen her here and there when I visited home while I lived away. After finally accepting I couldn’t keep hiding from the painful memories, we’d spent some more time together during my last few visits.
“It’s so good to see you,” I said as I slipped out of my jacket. Tossing it on the bench seat, I slid into the booth across from her as she returned to her seat.
“What should we order? A pitcher of beer? Or a bottle of wine?” she asked.
I chuckled. “Let’s do wine.”
Holly grinned. “Wine it is. Alex dropped me off and promised me he’d give us both a ride home later.”
Alex was Holly’s twin brother and pretty much felt like a brother to me. Though Holly’s comment was casual, it came weighted with meaning. The driver who caused our accident and killed Jake had been drunk. I never considered driving if I planned to have a drink, and ditto for Holly and Caleb.
A waitress swung by, taking our order for drinks and then hurrying off after telling us she’d be back in a few minutes with our wine. Holly leaned her elbows on the table, her brown eyes warm and her smile wide.
“Please tell me you’re coming home for good. I’ve missed you,” she said.
“I’m planning to stay for now. I’m hoping my position at UAA is a good fit,” I replied, referring to the position I’d accepted in the environmental sciences program. In my years of burying myself in my studies, I’d completed a doctorate in environmental science.
Holly, never one to shy away from absolutely anything, got right to the point. “Good. It’s about time you come home. No one but you blames you for that accident. Or maybe I should say it in a better way. No one but you blames you for surviving.”
Holly knew me too well. We’d had this conversation a few times. Holly didn’t understand the depth of guilt I carried. With a sigh, I held her gaze. “Do we have to revisit this? Again?”
Holly’s gaze sobered as she nodded emphatically. “Yes. Until you stop feeling bad about it. It. Wasn’t. Your. Fault.”
Tears pressed hot against my eyes, and emotion clogged my throat. I took a gulp from my water glass, conveniently filled before I’d even arrived. “I know, but maybe…”
“There is no maybe. That guy plowed right into us! There was no way to stop him.”
Staring at her, I took a slow breath, wishing my intellect could talk me into this. Because I knew this to be true, but somehow, the guilt clung to me. Jake was dead, and I’d been driving the car. Closing my eyes, I took a steadying breath and met her gaze again. “I know. I’m working on it. Okay? Do we have to stay stuck on it now?”
She reached over and gave my hand a squeeze. “No, we don’t. I’m sorry. I just don’t like seeing you worry about it for, well, for too damn long. Anyway, what did finally get you to come home?”
“My job went all to hell. So I figured now was the time to come home.”
“What the hell happened anyway?” she asked.
I met Holly’s gaze and inwardly sighed. If there was anyone I could be honest with, it was her. Despite everything, somehow we’d held our friendship together. I took a sip of water, leaning back when our waitress arrived. She quickly served us our wine, took our food order and then hurried off to the next table. A sip of wine fortified me.
Holly circled her hand in the air, reminding me that our interruption hadn’t taken her off track. “It was your dream job, right? What the hell happened?”
My dream job had been a position in the environmental sciences department at the University of Oregon. I hadn’t considered just how quickly it could get ruined. On the heels of another sip of wine, I eyed Holly. “So there was another researcher on the faculty, Lance Wallace. He worked in a different department, but he was assigned to work on a project with me. Anyway, first he tried to flirt. I ignored it, because I just wasn’t interested. Plus, I don’t mix work with dating like that. It just gets messy, you know?”
Holly nodded. “Please don’t tell me this was a harassment thing.”
“He wasn’t my boss or anything like that. He got obsessed with me. The only way to describe what he did is stalking. I told our director about it, and she tried to be helpful. But he wasn’t doing anything inappropriate at work. It was all the creepy stuff outside of work. He would email me pictures when he saw me having lunch with other guys. Not that they were even dates! No matter how many times I changed my number or my personal email, he’d track me down and send me stuff. It was just relentless. It made me feel crazy, and I finally decided it was best to leave.”
Holly’s eyes widened, her breath drawing in sharply. “Are you serious?” She paused and took a gulp of wine. “Obviously, I know you’re serious. I just can’t believe that happened to you. Did you report him to the police?”
“Yeah. They couldn’t do much because he wasn’t
ever physically threatening me…” My words trailed off with a sigh.
Holly took a sip of her wine, her eyes narrowing. “So you just left?”
“Yeah. I thought about everything I would need to do to somehow deal with it, and there were no good options. He had to basically get worse for them to do much. Plus, he’d just made me so miserable. I don’t ever want to live anywhere near him. Even though I thought I had my dream job, it wasn’t worth it. I got an offer here at the University of Anchorage. It keeps me close to home, and I missed being here anyway. I figure at least here, if anything happens, he won’t be able to get away with it. It’s too small here.”
Holly narrowed her eyes. “Oh hell no. He won’t be able to show up around here. Do you think he’d be crazy enough to try to do that?”
“I have no idea. He doesn’t know where I am, and I changed my number again. But it’s possible he knows where I’m from. It used to be in my bio at the university.”
In a way, it was such a relief to tell Holly. I had a few friends in Oregon who knew what was going on, but it wasn’t like anyone could stop any of it. Somehow it felt as if this were my karmic payment for the accident that killed Jake. He died, and I got this.
It was also embarrassing. I couldn’t fathom how I hadn’t seen what was coming ahead of time. I should’ve been able to pick up on what a creep Lance was. I’d spent far too much time thinking through the minutiae of my early interactions with him to try to assess if I’d unintentionally given him the wrong impression.
“Promise me you’ll tell me if you hear from this guy. Because the minute you do, everyone close to you should know about it,” she said firmly.
“I promise.”
She nodded so emphatically, her hair fell loose from its slapdash ponytail. She snapped the hair band around her wrist and took another sip of wine. “Damn. I can’t believe that mess.”
I’d been living with it for the last year or more, so the best I could hope for was it might finally be over since I wasn’t in the proximity of Lance anymore. I didn’t want to dwell on it though. “Mess is one way to put it. Anyway, I don’t want to get maudlin over it. I’m home and here to stay.”
Holly grinned and lifted her glass for a toast. I clinked my glass to hers and took another sip of wine. I needed something to take the edge off tonight. Hell, I needed something to take the edge off of my life. Between leaving my awful cyber-stalker behind in Oregon, getting in a car accident and having Caleb end up being the one to help me, I was topsy-turvy inside.
As I looked across the table at Holly, I caught her eyes angling toward the hallway. Following her gaze, I saw Caleb walking in from the back entrance, his younger brother Nate walking at his side.
The moment my eyes landed on him, he lifted his gaze, his eyes locking with mine from across the room. Barely a free moment had passed when I hadn’t thought about seeing him at the hospital and what it felt like to be held in his arms. And those corner kisses—he’d about slayed me with those.
A hum started at my core, swirling in my belly. My pulse gave a funny little jolt. I had meant it when I told him I missed him. Because I had. Everything in my world felt like it was falling in on itself now. The shields I’d built up around my heart were falling away with nothing more than a puff.
I’d only been sixteen years old when the accident happened. I’d been young, full of hope, and madly in love with Caleb. The brutal reality of that accident obliterated my sense of innocence. When I broke up with Caleb, I’d been a mess of confusion, guilt and grief. I’d been in the burn unit in Anchorage, dealing with severe burns on one of my legs and my side. I still had the scars to this day and would forever. To say I’d been a bit of a mess emotionally didn’t quite capture it.
Even though I was still grappling with my survivor’s guilt, I’d come a long way. Just the fact I’d come home was huge. I might’ve been running from something, but I was too weary to keep carrying the weight anymore. I’d actually gone to therapy and tried to pull myself together. My therapist had pointedly suggested I try to stop avoiding everyone I’d left behind. I’d gotten pretty pissed off, but her point had been spot on.
Maybe I had some demons to slay and maybe I didn’t think I’d ever get past it, but I wanted a chance to start over. Aside from everything else, that was why I’d finally come home.
All along I’d considered my young love with Caleb something I had to leave behind. I knew he’d been bitter when I broke up with him. He lashed out just as I had. We’d both been reeling from Jake’s death. I’d figured it was better to leave us in the past. In the intervening years, I’d hardly ever been alone with him, if at all. I’d seen him a few times here and there when I came home to visit, but it had always been brief.
One time, I’d known he was seeing someone, and I’d told myself it was for the best. Plans were a funny thing. Since I felt so out of control of my life after the accident, I buried myself in the one thing I could count on—academics. I was a brainy, book nerd all through school. I’d latched onto it to help me get through a lot of pain—emotional and physical. It became my life, with environmental science my love. Growing up in Alaska and watching firsthand how quickly things were changing with the climate had made it a passion of mine. After I graduated from college, I’d been accepted to a doctorate program in Oregon and onto the faculty.
All the while, I’d never stopped missing Alaska, I’d never stopped missing Willow Brook, and I’d never stopped missing Caleb. But I told myself what probably so many people tell themselves—time passed, life changed, and I didn’t think I could go back and recapture all that had been lost.
Yet, here I was. I didn’t quite know how to bridge the chasm created by time, space, and memory, but I wanted to try.
I didn’t realize I was staring until Holly cleared her throat, quite audibly. I felt my cheeks heat as I glanced back to her.
“You know, maybe it’s time,” she said.
“Time for what?” I asked, forcibly keeping my eyes on her and not looking to see where Caleb and Nate were walking.
“To give Caleb a shot again,” she said pointedly. “He doesn’t talk about it much, but if you ask me, he never got over you. I know things ended badly. But it was a mess for all of us then, and we were so young to go through that.”
“That’s one way to put it.”
“I still miss Jake,” she said softly. “But one thing staying here has done for me is it forced me to deal with it. Bad things happen, and we can still move on.”
My heart clenched, and that familiar grief stabbed at me, but I told myself I could handle it now. I reached over and squeezed her hand.
She squeezed mine back and then grinned slyly. “If you’re wondering, he’s headed right over here. I don’t see Caleb as much, but Nate is still best buds with Alex,” she said, referring to her twin brother. “So, of course, I see Nate all the time.”
Caleb and Nate stopped by our booth. Nate was a few years younger than Caleb and had been in the same grade as Holly and me growing up. Nate shared Caleb’s brown hair and eyes and carried himself with an easy-going air. He’d become a bush pilot, flying planes across Alaska’s wilderness. With a grin, he glanced to me. “Good to see you home, Ella.”
“Good to see you. I can’t remember the last time I saw you actually,” I replied.
Nate shrugged. “Me neither, but rumor has it you’re back to stay.”
“For once, the rumors are true.”
Caleb’s eyes met mine then, and my pulse lunged again, butterflies massing in my belly and heat blooming through me. Sweet hell. I hadn’t counted on how much Caleb would affect me. I felt half crazy around him.
“Mind if we join you?” Nate asked.
“Course not,” Holly said, sliding over in her seat.
Whether or not they planned it that way, Caleb ended up seated beside me. His familiar scent and the heat of his body were like honey to mine. Having him that close set every cell in my body to humming.
Despite m
y nerves, being with Caleb, Holly and Nate was so familiar, I felt more relaxed than I had in too long. My old worries fell away and the band of tension around my heart eased. The pain tangled up in our shared pasts didn’t seem so awful anymore.
Nate shared a few of his pilot stories and teased Caleb. “Your job’s not nearly as stressful as mine,” he offered with a wink at the end of a story that involved him landing blind on a gravel runway in the backcountry.
Caleb chuckled, the gruff sound sending a shiver down my spine. “Sure bro. Whatever you say.”
“I’d say Holly probably has the most stressful job,” I added.
Nate glanced to me. “Why do you say that? She works in the hospital. If she needs anything, she’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, but she has to deal with every emergency that lands in front of her. At least for you, you can decide not to do something. I mean, you can always decide not to take a trip when the weather’s bad.” Nate flashed a wry grin before I continued. “And for Caleb, when they’re dealing with fires, it’s all adrenaline and crazy stuff keeping them going. In the ER, Holly has to try to fix everything and deal with other people freaking out at the same time. Trust me, I bet that’s stressful.”
Holly grinned and took a sip of her wine, nudging Nate with her elbow. “See, and you think being a pilot is hard.”
“Hey, every day, the lives of at least six people at any given point are in my hands,” Nate countered with a grin.
Caleb spoke up. “True. A bush pilot in Alaska is considered one of the most dangerous jobs, statistically speaking. That’s why mom worries about you.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “I’m the baby in the family, and she worries the most about me no matter what. I keep telling her you’re the one that runs straight into fires all the time.”
Our waitress arrived to check with Caleb and Nate, taking their order and delivering my and Holly’s orders.
Holly glanced between the guys. “We’re not waiting for your food to come. I’m starving,” she said bluntly.
At Nate’s eye roll and Caleb’s chuckle, we started eating. Their drinks arrived and a few other old friends stopped by the table to say hello as we ate. It felt good to be home. I hadn’t had a night like this in years.