L Ron Hubbard - ME10 Doomed Planet

by Doomed Planet [lit]

  Do not, whatever you may be thinking or supposing, blame the Duke of Manco for anything you might think is going on. Surprisingly, he feels sorry for you.

  We showed him this manuscript and he read it in his rapid fashion and then simply sighed and said, "The poor fellow. It got to him."

  It was a very cryptic statement and we asked him his advice concerning the publishing plan. But he merely chuckled and said, "Go ahead. It might wake them up." An amazing man!

  Now let us take up this matter of the contract: It is true that one existed, duly signed, and it is valid. But talking of a billion-credit suit is nonsense. In the first place, the sum is preposterous and never has been heard of in court annals. In the second place, there has not been, on the part of the publisher, any violation of it.

  And here is the good news you have been waiting for. The company is going to publish the book, and every clause of this contract—which you should have read—will be honored. So you can cheer up at this point.

  Now, the contract undertakes to publish this book by you but it does NOT say where or when.

  We consulted various legal experts but they could come up with no solution. It was left to Lord Bis, a distant cousin of yours, by the way, and who heard of it while chatting with the Royal Historian, another member of your family.

  Lord Bis looked the project over—read the manuscript in fact—and came up with a most admirable solution, as I know you will agree. From his position as Chairman of the Intelligence Committee, he noted that the invasion of Earth, a blank slot on the invasion tables, would have been due to come up just a few years hence.

  This brilliant man told us that all we had to do was hold the publication until that unutilized invasion date had fully and irrevocably passed and could not possibly be returned to: it would then be too distant in the past.

  When that occurred, Lord Bis advised, we could send the book with one of the usual survey parties to the planet Earth and, through the auspices of publishing connections there, publish the book solely and only on the planet Earth. And there was no need, in meeting the terms of the contract, to publish it on Voltar at all!

  He commented that the population there would regard it just as a work of fiction and that it would not cause them to strengthen their defenses as, he says, the planet is "quite muddly," as he put it.

  The brilliance of the solution becomes quite manifest when you realize, as he pointed out, that there is no Code break involved: The planet Earth does not exist, so it is outside the Space Code regulations!

  So your book is going to be published after all. I know you will think that is wonderful. And there is no slightest tinge of contract breakage. Your publishers are taking care of you straight down the line.

  We are sorry that we have no slightest idea of how you can be paid royalties. And this is too bad. For we understand that your mother went absolutely livid when she read what Crobe said about her and that you intended to become a fairy or a catamite and she cut off your allowance, dismissed your valet and driver for being so lax and sold all your vehicles.

  So it is a very good thing that you have such tender and endearing friends as old Doctor Prahd Bittlestiffender. It was he who informed us, when we asked, that His Majesty had issued a Royal order about you. It is not often that a young, aspiring bridegroom is the subject of a wedding order.

  I do wish to congratulate you on your forthcoming marriage to the Lady Corsa. You are very lucky that it will be by Royal command since it saves the tedium of waiting.

  I understand that the Lady Corsa's brother and two of his hunting companions have come over from Modon in their family space yacht with some lepertige nets to make sure you get safely to the wedding and safely back to Modon, which I thought was very courteous of them and a true brother-in-lawly gesture. As a matter of fact, as you receive this letter, you are probably already in their custody.

  Your bride is a fine, strong woman, very patriotic and willing to do anything for her country and to suffer certain deficiencies for the sake of raising the social status and connections of her family by allying it to ours. A true powerhouse of a woman! So I am certain she will treat you very well, such as giving you money to buy shoes for walking in the mountains, an exercise of which she is extremely fond. It will give you lots of time to think.

  And, who knows, in fifty years, you might even get back to Voltar from Modon for a visit, although I would advise, even then, a disguise.

  So we are all agreed, then? Fine. I will see you at your wedding tomorrow.

  Your Great Uncle

  Cuht

  New Managing Director

  Biographies Publishing Company

  THE TRUE AND FINAL END OF MISSION EARTH

  Key to THE DOOMED PLANET

  Absorbo-coat—Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or undetectable. It is usually applied to spacecraft.

  Afyon—City in Turkey where the Apparatus had a secret mountain base.

  Agnes, Miss—Personal aide to Rockecenter.

  Apparatus, Coordinated Information—The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals. Their symbol is an inverted paddle which, because it looks like a bottle, earned its members the name "drunks."

  Atalanta—Home province of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak on the planet Manco.

  Babe Corleone-The six-foot-six widowed leader of the Corleone mob who "adopted" Jettero Heller into her Mafia "family."

  Bang-Bang—An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Babe Corleone mob.

  Bawtch— Gris's chief clerk on Voltar.

  Bis—Intelligence officer of the Fleet, friend of Jettero Heller.

  Bittlestiffender, Prahd—Voltarian cellologist that Sol-tan Gris took to Earth to operate a hospital in Afyon.

  Blito-P3—Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as Earth. It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito.

  Bluebottles—Nickname given to the Domestic Police of Voltar.

  Blueflash—A bright, blue flash of light used to produce unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in area that is possibly populated.

  Bury—Rockecenter's most powerful attorney. His favorite pastime is feeding white mice to snakes.

  Calabar—A planet in the Voltar Confederacy on which Prince Mortiiy is leading a revolt.

  Caucalsia, Prince—According to a folk legend, he fled Manco during the Great Rebellion and set up a colony on Blito-P3 that became known as Atlantis.

  Cellology—Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

  Code Break—Violation of the Space Code that prohibits disclosing that one is an alien. Penalty is death to the offender(s) and any native(s) so alerted.

  Confederacy—See Voltar.

  Coordinated Information Apparatus—See Apparatus.

  Corleone—A Mafia family headed by Babe, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of "Holy Joe."

  Corsa, Lady—A large, muscular lady pledged to be married to Monte Pennwell. She is heir to over half of the provincial planet Modon.

  Crobe, Doctor—Apparatus cellologist who worked in Spiteos; he delights in making human freaks.

  Cun—Footgirl to Flick, J. Walter Madison's driver. Drunks—See Apparatus.

  Epstein, Izzy—Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero Heller to set up and run several corporations.

  Exterior Division—That part of the Voltarian government that reportedly contained the Apparatus.

  Faht Bey—Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.

  Fleet—The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.

  Flick—Apparatus driver for J. Walter Madison.

  Flip—Former circus girl, now member of J. Walter Madison's gang.

  Flisten—One of the conquered planets in the Voltar Confederacy, its humanoid i
nhabitants are long-nailed and yellow-skinned. When it was conquered, its queen was exiled by treaty as a hostage to Voltar.

  Gracious Palms—The elegant whorehouse where Jet-tero Heller resided. It is across from the United Nations and is operated by the Corleone family.

  Grand Council—The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the Invasion Timetable.

  Gris, Soltan—Apparatus officer placed in charge ofBlito-P3 (Earth) section, and an enemy of Jettero Heller.

  Heller, Hightee—The most beautiful and popular entertainer in the Voltar Confederacy. She is also Jettero's sister.

  Heller, Jettero—Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent with Soltan Gris on Mission Earth, where he operated under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister.

  Hisst, Lombar—Head of the Apparatus; his plan to overthrow the Confederacy required sending Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.

  "Holy Joe" Corleone—Head of the Corleone family until murdered; he did not believe in pushing drugs, hence the name.

  Hot Jolt—A popular Voltarian drink.

  Hoodward, Bob—A famous investigative reporter for the Earth newspaper, the "Washington Roast," who brought down a president and other mob figures.

  Hound—Servant to Monte Pennwell.

  Invasion Timetable—A schedule of galactic conquest; the plans and budget -of every section of Voltar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.

  Joy, Miss—See Countess Krak.

  Krak, Countess—Condemned murderess, former prisoner ofSpiteos, a nonperson and the sweetheart of Jettero Heller. On Earth, she is known as Heavenly Joy Krackle or "Miss Joy."

  Lepertige—Large cat-like animal as tall as a man.

  Lissus Moam—Daughter of Count Krak of the planet Manco. Forced by an Assistant Lord of Education on Manco into teaching children to steal and captured by the Apparatus for her training skills, she became known as the Countess Krak.

  Madison, J. Walter—Fired from a public-relations firm when his style of "PR" caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by Bury to immortalize Jettero Heller in the media. He is also known as J. Warbler Madman.

  Manco—Home planet of Jettero Heller and Countess Krak.

  Manco Devil—Mythological spirit native to Manco. Meeley—Former landlady of Soltan Gris.

  Mister Calico—A calico cat that was trained by Countess Krak.

  Mortiiy, Prince—Leader of a rebel group on the planet Calabar and the son of Emperor Cling the Lofty.

  Peace, Miss—Secretary to Delbert John Rockecenter.

  Pennwell, Monte—Unpublished author who found the Gris confession.

  Retribution—Prince Manny's command ship.

  Rockecenter, Delbert John—Native of Earth who controlled the planet's fuel, finance, governments and drugs.

  Roke, Tars—Astrographer to the Emperor of Voltar, Cling the Lofty, and close friend to Jettero Heller. It was Roke's report that sent Heller on Mission Earth.

  Section 451—A Section in the Apparatus on Voltar, in charge of Blito-P3, headed by Soltan Gris.

  Shafter—Driver for Monte Pennwell. Simmons, Miss—An antinuclear fanatic.

  Ske—Former driver for Soltan Gris.

  Snelz—Platoon commander at Spiteos who befriended Jettero Heller and Countess Krak when they were prisoners there.

  Spiteos—On Voltar, the secret fortress prison of the Apparatus.

  Spread, Maizie—Alleged by J. Walter Madison in Earth newspapers and television to have been impregnated by Jettero Heller, known as the "Whiz Kid."

  Stuffy, Noble Arthrite—Publisher of the "Daily Speaker," a major newssheet on Voltar.

  Switch, Toots—Alleged by J. Walter Madison in Earth newspapers and television to have been bigamously married to Jettero Heller, known as the "Whiz Kid."

  Tayl, Widow Pratia—Nymphomaniac on Voltar.

  Tug One—A spaceship named the Prince Caucalsia, equipped with the feared Will-be Was time drives, and used by Jettero Heller to travel the 22>/2 light-years to Earth from Voltar.

  Tup—An alcoholic beverage on Voltar.

  Turn, Lord—Justiciary of the Royal prison who Soltan Gris surrendered to.

  Twa—Female bodyguard to Flick.

  Twoey—Nickname given to Delbert John Rockecenter II.

  Utanc—A belly dancer that Gris bought to be his concubine slave.

  Vantagio—Manager of the Gracious Palms whorehouse.

  Voltar—Home planet and seat of the 110-world Confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand Council in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.

  Whip, General—The most popular general in the Voltar-ian Army. J. Walter Madison faked Whip's death to bring discipline and make headline news.

  Whiz Kid—Nickname given to Jettero Heller by J. Walter Madison.

  Whopper, Teenie—A highly promiscuous Earth teenager, appointed Hostage Queen of Flisten. She is also known as Queen Teenie.

  Will-be Was—The feared time drive that allowed Jettero Heller to cover the 221/2-light-year distance between Earth and Voltar in a little over three days.

  Wister, Jerome Terrance—Name that Jettero Heller used on Earth.

  The End