But I don’t hate that version of me all together—at least I don’t think I do. My brain is a scrambled mess over all of this. I really need to figure out what the hell I want out of this whole fucked up situation and do it for me, because I want to—not because Maddy thinks I should. I can’t hide the fact that part of me thinks that she’s right. I do need to face down my past. Maybe that’s why I met Maddy? Maybe that’s the reason for her being in my life?
I’ve never been one to believe in that line of reasoning that suggests everything happens for a reason. If you tell me that there’s a reason why sweet little ten year old Maddy had to lose both of her parents, or that there was a reason for Shane to feel so much pain and heartache that he’d rather end his life than fight for it, then I’d say bullshit. Sometimes horrible, fucked up things happen to good people, but in this moment of enlightenment—in this epiphany like state—I can’t help but feel a little bit lighter knowing that if I can’t have Shane as my best friend, that maybe, in some sort of strange cosmic coincidence, maybe he sent me Maddy in his place.
She’s the only one who has ever meant anything to me. Maddy is the woman who makes me want to be a better man; she makes me want to be whole and complete, not just because she deserves this better version of me, but because I do. I have no clue how it happened or why it was her. I never in a million years would have thought that I’d be boyfriend of the year or anything like that. Sometimes people change. They change when they have a good enough reason to change. Maddy is my reason, and now I just have to figure out how to be me, how to do what I feel is right, while still managing to keep her in my life.
Her love makes me feel worthy and I’ve gone and turned my back on her. Thinking of her moving on without me, of her forgetting me and finding someone else to love makes my eyes burn with unshed tears. She might not want to be with me right now, and God knows she’s got some pretty rock solid reasons for feeling that way, but I will not lose her.
It hits me like a ton of bricks. I will not lose Maddy to my past. I will not let my demons ruin a future with my angel. I might not have been the best person in the past, but Maddy has made me want to be better. I belong to her and her strength has inspired me to be strong.
Shane is gone because of the way my parent’s treated him; they took him from me, but I’ll be damned if they’ll be the ones to keep me from Maddy.
Feeling rejuvenated and, more importantly, motivated by my own desires to lay the past to rest, I shift the car into drive and head back to the hotel to pick up Jack and Cammie. I can’t help but laugh inwardly as Fun’s Carry On starts playing over the speakers. That’s exactly what I have to do right now. I have to carry on with my life, even if Maddy is not physically in it for the moment. She will always be in my heart; she is my heart, but right now I have to work on fixing who I am if I can ever have the hope of being worthy of her love once again.
I’m not sure how it will all work out, what my next step is, but I do know that I will conquer my pain and I will get Maddy and my baby back. I shake my head at that last thought. I’m going to be a father—holy shit!
For the first time since I was sixteen, I’ll be whole again; I’ll find peace and, God willing, when I do find it, I hope that Maddy will be there stretching out her arms to embrace me back into her life.
Chapter 2
Monday December 10, 2012
Watching Reid leave me is the single most devastating sight I have ever witnessed. His shoulders are slumped and his feet shuffle along the ground. He looks as broken as I feel.
Collapsing onto the bed, I rest my elbows on my thighs and hang my head in my hands. The sobs are coming; I can feel them. Echoes of our fight ring through my ears and my gut twists in pain knowing that I’ve lost him.
Vaguely, I hear Momma at the door saying that she’s just going to check with the nurse one last time before we leave. When the door softly clicks behind her, I lose the will to hold back my pain.
I want to cry, wail, scream; I want to do anything that will take away this pain, but I know nothing will. Nothing, no one, can ever fill the void that is there now that Reid is gone.
My sorrow and pain quickly transform into anger. What the fuck is wrong with me that I told him he doesn’t love me? He trusted me with his deepest, darkest secrets. He opened up to me in ways that he’s never done with anyone before. Reid bared his soul to me and because of my lingering insecurities, I told him that he wasn’t good enough for me.
There were so many times in my life that I thought I couldn’t go on—so many times that my pain got the best of me and swallowed my happiness whole. Those times pale in comparison to what I’m feeling now.
I don’t even know what you would call it. Heartache? That’s a fucking useless word for the pure and unadulterated soul twisting pain that I feel. Reid is gone and I am alone. Rifling through my bag, I search frantically for my cell phone. I need to call him.
When I get to the bottom of my bag, I realize I’m well and truly fucked. I forgot that I lost my phone in the accident. I haven’t needed it all week in the hospital, but right now, it’s the only item I need.
Burying my face into the sterile and overly bleached hospital pillow, I only hope that my scream is muffled enough to not raise any concern. There is just so much anger swirling through my veins that I have to let it out; I can’t contain it any longer.
I scream and yell into the pillow until my throat is raw, until the physical pain outweighs the emotional. Though the complete erasure of emotional depravity never comes, I eventually tire of my outburst.
Flopping over onto my back, I stare up at the drop-tile ceiling and start counting the black dots in a vain attempt to calm down. When my breath no longer catches in my throat and the sobs begin to recede, I come back to one clear and unavoidable truth—I’m having a baby.
I place my hands tenderly on top of my belly and get lost in thoughts of whether it will be a boy or a girl; will the baby look like me or like Reid. My lips quirk up in the corners and I laugh at my complete inability not to think about Reid for more than two minutes.
I miss him so much already and I know that I can’t do this on my own. I pushed him away; I made him feel unworthy. I broke us.
Wiping away my own tears, I resolve to fix things. A simple apology won’t do and even I know that. I owe him so much more than that and I vow to prove to him just how worthy he is.
I can only hope that he’ll listen and that, maybe, if I’m lucky enough, he’ll let me back into his heart.
My body aches and it takes so much effort to stand after being crammed in this damn car for the last few hours. The sob-fest from earlier really took its toll on me. My lungs burn from the sobbing and there’s a constant, dull soreness radiating from my still-healing broken bones.
I want to say that it feels good to be home, that I can’t wait to sprawl out on my bed and let myself heal, but no amount of time or comfort will mend my broken heart. The gnawing and twisting feelings over having pushed Reid away stayed with me for most of the car ride. I was so lost in my own anguish that I barely interacted with Momma or Mel at all.
I can’t believe I actually told him that he needs to be whole, to be complete before he can love me.
That’s fucking bullshit and I don’t know why I couldn’t see it just a few hours ago as he was standing in front of begging me to leave his past alone.
He did love me completely—hopefully still does. He never once made me feel unloved or uncared for. Maybe he was right? Just because I’ve made peace with my past doesn’t mean that he has to with his.
He’s been nothing but amazing with me and I pretty much told him he wasn’t good enough. What a bitch! I shake my head at my stupidity as I replay the scene over and over in my head; it’s a wonder that he didn’t just tell me to go fuck myself as he turned away. His venomous words twist my gut.
So, get off your fucking high horse, Maddy, and deal with it.
He’s right and I know it. I have to no right to di
ctate what he does in his life.
Except to bring him back to me. I have to make that happen.
What a fucking mess and there’s really no one to blame but myself. It would have been amazing for him to jump up and down with joy when I told him that I’m pregnant, but that’s just so unfair. I sure as hell didn’t react like that when Dr. McNamara told me.
I haven’t even told Momma or Mel yet. It was on my mind the whole car ride, but there really isn’t an easy way to work it into the conversation. It’s just too much. If I tell them I’m pregnant, then I have to tell them about leaving Reid. That’s just too painful to share right now. I don’t even know what I’m going to do. Will I go back to college in the spring? Should I just transfer to a school closer to home? Where is home? Can I expect to live here with Momma? How will she react? How the hell am I going to take care of a baby?
It’s too overwhelming. I just want to curl up into Reid’s arms and let him tell me that everything will be okay, but that’s obviously not what he wants. He didn’t follow me here. He hasn’t called—sure it’s only been a few hours, but still.
While all of these thoughts race through my mind, I try to get comfortable on the couch in the den. My room is upstairs and right now my ribs are still too sore to go up a flight of stairs. Melanie immediately ran out to the pharmacy to fill my prescriptions—all except the one for the pre-natal vitamins. That one is tucked securely in my pocket.
Momma really has done her best to make it as comfortable as possible and I love her for it. The couch is covered in freshly cleaned sheets and blankets. I really couldn’t ask for more from her, but I know that when I tell her I’m pregnant, that’s exactly what I will be doing.
“Here you go, sweetie.” Momma walks gingerly into the sunken den carrying a bowl of chicken noodle soup. She places it on the snack table in front of me and sits down next to me.
“Thanks, Momma. I’m so hungry. That car trip was a killer.” I bring a spoonful up to my lips and blow to cool the soup a little. Even though I know it’s out of a can, it’s delicious. Knowing that Momma’s first task upon arriving home is to take care of me makes it taste even better. There’s just something about being comforted by your mother’s cooking that soothes the soul.
A fleeting image of me taking care of my baby passes through my mind. Thoughts of Reid naturally follow thoughts of me being a mom. Will he be there with me? Will he find it in his heart to forgive me, to love me again?
Momma leans back on the couch and sighs as she stretches her back which I’m sure is sore from the long drive.
“So, when is Reid going to get here? Have you heard from him since we left?” Momma asks. I guess it is pretty foolish to think that I would be able to avoid this conversation.
She sees the look on my face—of pain, of guilt, of heartache. I can’t help but break under the pressure from all of my thoughts, from the current turn that my life has taken. Tucking one leg under the other, she shifts on the couch so that she is facing me and I turn to her.
She really is the epitome of love. Her face is soft and caring—eyes crinkling in the corner. Life hasn’t always been fair to her. She lost the love of her life and had to figure out how to carry on, how to survive without her other half.
I try to speak, but nothing will come out past the hot lump of raw emotion that has formed in my throat. I know I have no right to cry; I pushed him away, but I didn’t expect him to let me. That’s what hurts the most. Maybe I am disposable to him after all.
I’m so fucking confused.
I roll my eyes at myself and my insane girl logic. I’m mad at him because he did what I told him to do. He didn’t read my mind, but instead heard my words and followed them.
I really am to blame here.
Momma allows me my silence; she’s not going to push. Sweeping a piece of hair out of my face, she smiles lovingly at me. “You can talk to me, Maddy. What’s wrong? Maybe I can help you.”
Her kind and concerned words are all the opening I need. The words just pour out of my mouth. “Everything’s a mess, Momma and it’s all my fault.” She arches an eyebrow at me and lets a small laugh slip out. “Now, I can hardly believe that it’s all your fault, but why don’t you let me decide. Come on, Maddy, spill it.” She squeezes my knee in a gentle attempt at comforting me.
I’m going to approach this with the crash and burn theory—just get everything out there and deal with the fall out.
“I’m pregnant.” There. I said it. Momma’s gaze doesn’t waver. She doesn’t yell and scream; she’s not angry. She reaches out and grabs my hand reassuringly.
Momma presses her other hand to her chest as emotion swells and takes over her features. “You mean I’m going to be a Grandma?” There are tears in her eyes and her voice wobbles with happiness.
She’s happy?
“You mean you’re not mad?” Something about having a knocked up, eighteen year old who is not your real daughter, but still lives with you, screamed angry in my head.
“Mad? Are you kidding? How can that even be possible, Maddy? We’re talking about a baby—a teeny, tiny, perfect baby. That’s got to be just about the happiest thing in the world.” Her blue eyes are shining with pure joy as she squeezes my hand.
“But I’ve messed up so much. One semester away at college and I’m a knocked up eighteen year old, without a job, without insurance, without a place of my own to live.” I want to add “without Reid” to that list of disappointments, but I don’t have the strength to delve into that pit of anguish right this second. I wrap my arms around my waist in a pointless attempt at comforting myself. When my palm brushes against my flat belly, I smile faintly in wonderment. The smile fades quickly as that wonder morphs into fear—fear that Reid will never know his child, fear that I will never belong to him again.
“Hey now, calm down. Life isn’t always going to be perfect. You know that. I’m fairly sure that Reid at least has some responsibility here.” She’s giving me the stare. Ok, maybe she’s a little right. It can’t be all my fault, but now that I’ve broken things off with Reid, it’s all my problem and I don’t even know how to begin tackling it. “Why don’t you tell me the whole thing and even if I can’t help, at least you can get it off of your chest.”
Despite my exhaustion, I decide to take Momma up on her offer. Besides, it’s not like I’ll be able to sleep anyway. Reid’s arms won’t be wrapped around me.
“My pills failed. We forgot to use a back-up for the first month. I thought we were good and obviously we weren’t. When Dr. McNamara ran some routine blood work for me to be discharged, she found out that I am pregnant. There’s not much more to tell.” It really is just an unfortunate mistake, but I refuse to think of my baby as a mistake. I feel guilty and a little ashamed, but I’m actually happy about this baby. I’m not ready to share that just yet.
She snickers at me lightly. “I’m not talking about how you got pregnant. There aren’t many ways for that to happen.” Her lips curl up into a small smile and I can’t help but blush. My mom died when I was ten so I never had the talk with her and then Aunt Maggie never spoke to me about more than crocheting. It’s rather ironic that I’m blushing talking about sex with Momma and I’m already pregnant.
“I mean tell me what happened with Reid?” Her voice is soft but stern. She’s determined to get to the bottom of this.
“It’s complicated, Momma.” I sigh and slump back into the couch. I immediately regret my movements, as I wince in pain.
“Oh, sweetie, love is always complicated. You can’t expect to hand your soul over to someone else without any bumps along the way. Not every relationship survives those dark times, but I’ve seen the way Reid looks at you—the way you look at him—I think you two will work it out.” Her words cut me to the quick. Why couldn’t I be smart enough, confident enough, to realize all of these things about his love for me? All of a sudden she has this faraway look in her eyes; she’s lost in some untold story.
“Is that how it wa
s for you and James?” Momma rarely speaks of her late husband and since Melanie never knew him, she doesn’t bring him up all that often either. For Melanie she’s missing something that was never there, but for Momma she’s missing a piece of her soul and I know it has to be eating her alive.
Part of mine is missing right now too.
Her eyes crinkle in the corners as she gets lost in reminiscing. “Jimmy and I grew up together. We were practically neighbors our entire lives. He was my best friend from as far back as I could remember. Falling in love with him was as simple as taking my next breath. I never loved anyone other than him.” Nostalgia washes over her and she’s smiling at the memories. “But it wasn’t so easy for him.” She laughs a little, recalling his early missteps in their relationship. “He kept me at a distance for a while, even went a few weeks without talking to me. I had no clue what I did to push him away, to make him mad at me. I tried to talk to him, to fix things, but he wouldn’t let me. It nearly killed me, but I gave him his space.
“It took him a few weeks to come to his senses and talk to me again. Needless to say, I was really angry with him—so much so that I considered never talking to him again. Of course I couldn’t push him away. I knew he was it for me. I loved him and in my heart it was just that simple. Any problems that came up along the way were not insurmountable. We could overcome them because we had to. Love had to survive. After we were together for a few months, I asked him what had pushed him away. He told me that he was just afraid of admitting that he was in love with me. We were only seventeen and it was scaring him that we were so young, but so in love. I think we both knew that if we got together, that we would never break apart. That can be a little overwhelming at such a young age.” A tear trickles down her cheek and I marvel at how she’s not falling to pieces thinking about her lost love.
The Love Series Complete Box Set Page 24