Momma straightens and looks directly in my eyes before continuing. “Maddy, I would give anything for those few weeks back with him. I wake up every day missing and loving him. I understand that he’s gone, but there’s such a large part of me that wishes I could go back in time and get back those weeks we lost. Love is complicated. But in the end, it’s as easy as you make it. If you love Reid and he loves you, then you just have to figure the rest out. Don’t let anything take your love away from each other because you never know if it’ll keep you apart forever.” My eyes are burning with tears at my utter foolishness in pushing him away. I was so caught up in the chaotic frenzy of finding out I’m pregnant that I didn’t even give Reid a chance to say anything; I didn’t give our love a chance.
I want to believe that Reid and I can survive. In my heart, I now realize how foolish I was just a few hours ago. I know that he loves me and I know that there will never be anyone else for me.
“Did you tell him about the baby?” Her tone is genuinely concerned. I know that no matter how much she loves me, she also has Reid’s best interest at heart—and the baby’s for that matter.
Sighing sadly, I say, “Yes, I did and he was less than thrilled. I guess that’s part of the problem.” It shouldn’t be. I should have been able to cut him some slack, hell even just be kind to him, but I didn’t.
Momma is still gently squeezing my hand. It seems like she’s afraid to break contact with me, like I might stop listening if I can’t feel her as well as hear her. “Oh, honey. Fathers don’t turn into dads until their baby is born, but a mother, now that’s different. A mother is a mommy from the second she finds out she’s having a baby. All men take a little time to come around to the idea. Reid’s young. Hell, so are you. But think of it as a little bump along your journey. You can’t control how he feels. You two will never survive if you are always expecting the other to feel a certain way about things. People have a right to their emotions and what’s important is to be there for those emotions, to let them own their feelings and to be there to support them through their decisions. That’s the kind of stuff they leave out of the movies.”
I never thought of it that way. Hell, I never thought of any of this. I’ve never been happier to have Momma in my life—as my family.
When I first met Melanie, I thought she had some kind of gift for mind reading. Now I’m wondering if it’s genetic.
Momma puts it all so simply and I wonder how I was not able to see it so clearly on my own.
I sigh at the foolish way I handled this whole thing. “I pushed him away because he wasn’t excited about the baby. I know that’s not fair, but it’s true.” Burying my face in my hands, as if it will hide my shame, I continue. “But it’s more than that. He’s completely ignoring issues from his past and his family and I can’t be with him if he doesn’t deal with them.” I don’t want to tell her all of his problems. For one thing, they’re his to tell, not mine. More importantly, I have a feeling if I tell her about Reid and his family that she’ll side with him. And I can’t say that she’d be wrong.
Momma doesn’t prompt me for more; she just gives me another glare. “Maddy, I can say this because I’ve always thought of you as my own daughter and it’s because I love you that I’ll say it without any filter, but you’re being an ass, honey.” Momma’s arched eyebrows convey all of the sarcasm that her words don’t.
Did she just call me an ass?
There’s no helping it; I laugh, almost uncontrollably. When I finally come to my senses and regain my composure, I say, “Ok, but you’ll have to explain that one, Momma.”
“You’re pushing him away for doing the same thing that you’re doing. You haven’t made peace with your past either. Reid loves you, and you’re not letting him love you because you’re afraid that he’ll hurt you. You can’t go through life constantly fearing that the good things will be taken away from you like your parents were. You want him to be whole and that’s not fair because I don’t think you are either.” Her knowing stare is all I need to help me realize my mistake.
Damn her mindreading skills!
“But what about all the other stuff? School and doctor’s appointments and a place to live and insurance and a job . . . there’s just so much to figure out moving forward. I can’t drag him along with me if he doesn’t really want to. I won’t force him to be with me.” I can feel the anxiety rising in my chest as I think of all of these things. Tears start to sting my eyes at the thought of Reid not being by my side to help me figure it all out.
He could be. Reid would still be here if you weren’t so afraid to let him love you the only way he knew how.
She pats my hand comfortingly. “And I agree one thousand percent, but sweetie, you didn’t even give him a chance to follow along on his own. You pushed him out of the way before he could even hold your hand. Do you want to know what I think you should do?” Her face twists a little as she awaits my response.
It’s a trick question because no matter what I say, she’s still going to tell me what she thinks. I don’t answer her, so she just starts talking again.
“I think you should take a nap, clear your head. I’m not saying this will all be easy and that you don’t have some tough choices to make, but only you can make them—only you can decide if you want Reid to be a part of them. Whatever shortcomings you think he has, just remember that he loves you.” She’s not chiding or admonishing. Her words are spoken softly, kindly, with love and concern.
“How can you be so certain, Momma?” I know there shouldn’t be this much uncertainty in my voice, but I can’t help that there is.
“Sweetie, it’s written on his face. He wears his heart on his sleeve.” She gently cups my tear streaked cheek in her hand. “I know he loves you because he looks at you like Jimmy used to look at me. You just have to let him love you the way he knows how. More importantly, you have to learn to love him. You can’t push him away just because you’re afraid.” Her eyes are shining with tears at remembering Jimmy. I can only imagine what mine must look like at this point.
She gets up from the couch and takes my cold soup back into the kitchen. When she comes back into the den, she hands me my favorite blanket and helps me situate myself on the couch. I hope that one day soon I’ll be able to lie down without wincing in pain.
Lifting the blanket up around my chest, Momma leans down and kisses my forehead. “Everything will be ok, Maddy. You just have to let it be. Love can be a very scary thing, but it can also be amazingly beautiful. It’s up to you to make that choice.” She smiles warmly at me and then turns away.
I watch her walk out of the room with such poise and grace. She’s made her choice; she has obviously learned to find her inner strength despite her pain.
Absentmindedly holding my hands tenderly to my tummy, my most sincere hope is that I can do the same.
Chapter 3
Monday December 10, 2012
We’re currently driving along I-80 heading back up to Ithaca. Jack and Cammie are cuddled up next to me on the pickup’s bench seat, and I can’t help the pang of jealousy when I look at them wrapped up in one another. I miss Maddy so fucking much it literally hurts my chest.
Jack knocks his head on the window as I speed over a sewer grate. My head is just not with it today.
“What the fuck, man?” Jack rubs the side of his head and sits up a bit straighter.
I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to stifle a laugh, but I have to let it out. It feels good to laugh for a minute. “Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to.”
Cammie stirs a little at his side, but she’s so exhausted that she doesn’t wake up fully. Jack wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her closer to his chest. She nuzzles into him and resumes her light snoring.
Jack shifts in his seat and faces me. “So how much longer until we’re home?” he asks as he swipes his hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Just under an hour.” It should be a five hour drive, but I have a lead foot and my mind has b
een anywhere but paying attention to the speed limit, so we’ll actually make it home in about three and a half hours.
After Maddy regained consciousness, Jack and Cammie decided to stay on Long Island with us until we were ready to go home. They didn’t want to leave until Maddy was discharged. I think that after they knew everything was going to be alright with Maddy, they just wanted to spend some time alone. I can’t complain. At least now I have someone to ride home with. If they hadn’t stayed, I’d be on a Greyhound.
Clearing his throat, he catches my attention. “And how much longer until you tell me what happened with Maddy?” Jack arches a knowing eyebrow in my direction.
Jack has always been the observant one. He can tell when there’s something going on and he can tell when he should push the issue. I want to stare him down and let him know that he should drop it, but I’m tired of keeping everything bottled up. An outsider’s opinion might actually be helpful here.
I nudge Cammie on the arm to make sure she’s still asleep. She barely moves, so I sigh lightly and decide to tell Jack everything.
Keeping my voice low, I say, “She’s pregnant. She told me at the hospital and I kind of freaked out.”
A shocked look passes across Jack’s face. “Wow! Well, that’s understandable. You freaking out I mean. So what happened? I mean how come you’re coming home with us and not her?” I can tell that he’s genuinely concerned.
Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, I wipe the other over my face and then run it through my hair in frustration. “There’s some other stuff going on with my family back home.”
Jack interrupts me to say, “You mean the family you never talk about?”
I give him the stare now. I’m definitely not in the mood to rehash that. “Yes, them. And no, I’m not going to talk about them now either.” I shake my head in a futile attempt at keeping the pain at bay.
His demeanor changes a bit; he’s pissed that I’m blowing him off. “Reid, I’ve known you for the last three years and I know absolutely nothing about your family.” He sighs and rolls his eyes at me in frustration. “Don’t you think it’s time to open up a little? I’m not getting all girly on you here, but if whatever is going on in your family is screwing up what you have with Maddy, then talk to me about it. Maybe I can help you see things differently.” He kisses Cammie lightly on her head and shrugs his shoulders a little. “Besides, I’ve had a little more experience in the girlfriend department than you have.”
Maybe he’s right. Jack’s a good guy and he’s been my best friend since I left home. If I want to change and deal with my past, I’m going to have to get more comfortable talking about it. I won’t sugar coat it though, so he’s going to get the uncut version.
“My older brother was gay. He never told anyone.” I say the words in such a rushed frenzy as if the quickness with which I say them will somehow temper the truth. “Well, he told me and I promised up and down that I wouldn’t betray his trust, but his girlfriend played me.” I can see Jack trying to process it all and I’m sure the part that he was gay and that he had a girlfriend are confusing him.
I answer his unasked question. “Shane had a girlfriend. It was obviously a cover up. He knew that no one would accept his homosexuality so he hid it. Alex, his girlfriend, made a move on me to get information on Shane. When she found out he was gay, she was intent on getting revenge. She said vindictive and strocious things about him. The fact that my hometown is close-minded and homophobic helped her cause.” I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted from my chest at finally telling someone all of this.
I pause a minute to pass an eighteen wheeler. I can see that Jack is trying to work through all of this information. Thinking about it, it’s really crazy that I’ve lived with him for the last three years and he’s just learning about this. In this moment, I can feel the truth of Maddy’s words. I’ve spent so long pushing everyone away that I haven’t even had the chance to see how damaging it’s been.
“Reid, I had no idea.” Jack rubs his forehead in confusion and concern. He puffs out a deep breath and asks, “How come you never told me? That’s some heavy shit to be carrying around.” His voice is filled with shock, but not pity. I can take just about every emotion except pity. That’s the main reason I never speak of Shane. I don’t want anyone’s pity. It’s not going to bring my brother back anyway, so don’t pity a situation for what it is.
I’m relieved that Jack knows now. His reaction is much easier to deal with than I thought.
Shaking my head, I huff. “Yeah, I know. I guess I just always thought if I didn’t bring it up, it would just go away.” I pinch the bridge of my nose where a major headache is starting to brew.
“So what happened after Alex found out?” Jack asks as he looks back in my direction.
I shift a little in my seat to face him a bit more. “Everyone else found out. The other college kids bullied him relentlessly. He couldn’t go anywhere in town without being hated. My parents disowned him and basically kicked him out of the house.” I may be relieved that I’ve shared this with Jack, but my voice is laced with venom talking about my parents.
A look of shock passes across his face. “Seriously? That’s real shitty of them. So where did he end up going? Why haven’t we met him?” I wish the version that’s playing out in Jack’s head could be real.
“He killed himself. I was the one who found him.” My words shake and tears threaten to fall, but I will them back.
I let it hang in the air. After a long, heavy, dark silence, Jack kisses the top of Cammie’s head.
His face pales and I can see that he’s struggling with what he should say. His quiet words convey his shock. “I . . . I don’t know what to say.” He pauses as if he’s trying to gather his thoughts. “I wish you would have told me all of this sooner. No one should have to carry that around with them.”
“Thanks, man. It means a lot. Honestly though, the only other person I’ve ever told about all of this is Maddy and that was just last month.” I sigh and shake my head—a useless attempt to block the pain. “She makes me want to be a better person; she makes me want to heal.” I offer up a small smile; it’s really all I can muster up right now.
Jack’s brows knit in perplexed confusion. “So then I don’t get it. If she’s behind you with all of this, and you want to move forward from it, then why are you here with us and not home with her?”
I still haven’t figured that out myself, but I try my best to convey to Jack what I do understand about our situation. “Well it turns out that all of those calls I was getting for the last few weeks were about my mom. She’s sick.” I stutter a little and surprise myself at the upwelling of emotion I’m feeling. “She’s dying.” I pause as I let the weight of my own words sink in. “And now she wants to talk to me again, but after she shut out Shane and ignored me for the last five years, I don’t think I have it in me to see her.” I rub my hands over the steering wheel in a nervous gesture. “I don’t care that she’s dying and that’s the problem with Maddy. She thinks that I can’t love her, that I don’t love her, because I refuse to deal with my past.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes just watching the trees and the cars pass us by. I merge into the right lane, preparing to exit the interstate. We’re only about five minutes from home at this point.
“So, oh wise one,” I quip sarcastically, mainly because I need to lighten the mood, “what should I do?”
“Honestly?” His look is serious. He’s about to dole out some real advice here.
“No, I want you to lie to me, please.” I grin at him. “Yes, honestly, you ass!” We both share a chuckle and the mood lifts slightly.
“Do you love her?” I’m taken back a little by his abrupt question.
Is he serious? I can’t contain the sarcastic huff that passes my lips. “Love her? There isn’t a word for what I feel for her.” I smile at the thought of her, of us together. “Being with her is easy. It’s like breathing, really. Before Maddy, I ne
ver wanted a commitment. I never wanted to have feelings or be in love. I was more than happy with a quick fuck and an awkward goodbye the next morning. But I never knew how empty my life was until she became a part of it.”
“Okay, Shakespeare—I get it. So it’s simple. If you love her, and you need her, then you fix this.” His words are simple and final. There is no other option. “This is what I’ve learned over the last three years with this one.” He eyes Cammie who is still peacefully sleeping in his arms. “There are two things that women want from men when things go wrong. They want us to do what they tell us and they want us to actually want to do what they tell us.” He laughs a small chuckle at the ridiculousness of his statement. “I know it sounds manipulative, but the bottom line is that Maddy wants you to do this so that she feels safe and secure with you. You want her in your life, so in order to get what you want, and in order to make Maddy happy, which is also something that you want, you have to talk to your mom.” He pauses before continuing. “Besides, it’s not just about you and Maddy anymore. If you want to hold on to any hope of being a part of your child’s life, then you’ll do this for that baby. Be the parent yours were incapable of being and do the right thing.”
I sit back and contemplate his words for a few minutes before I say anything. I need to digest his words. I don’t want to go home and I know that I shouldn’t have to.
But then there’s the part of me that’s exhausted from keeping my past all bottled up. Maybe going home and telling my parents to go fuck off might give me the closure I need. As angry as I am at Maddy right now for pushing me away, she’s partly right. I’m not healed from my past, hell neither is she. I need to put it behind me and move on with my life, with our life.
It doesn’t take long to reach a conclusion. I want Maddy and my baby in my life and that’s that. “You’re right, Jack.” I pull my eyes away from the road for a second to look over at him. “Thanks a lot for listening to me and giving me some advice. I really appreciate it.” I nod my head at him. That’s all that’s needed between us now.
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