Winter

by Michelle Love

  “Gage, you took everything you owned with you,” she says with a despondent tone in her voice.

  “One bag, Angel. Everything I owned filled up one bag. You know I hadn’t accumulated much of anything while we were together. You and I moved into that little house and the things we got, the furniture, the bed, the dog, those stayed there with you and our home. I only took my clothes and toiletries.” He looks at her with hurt in his eyes. “So how can you say I took everything when I left you with what we had gotten together?”

  “Every last item of clothing, Gage? You needed the damn bar of soap that you used? Every bottle of your cologne, you needed? There wasn’t a thing left of you. Do you know how long I went without washing your pillow? Nearly a year because it still had a trace of you on it.” Her body begins to shake again and I hold her tighter.

  With all she’s saying, I know she did love this man. Maybe not with the same kind of thing we have, but she did love him. And by her actions, she still might have some of that love stored deep inside her.

  “I’m really sorry you thought I was leaving forever. I wasn’t. How could you think I was walking out that door without a tear in my eye if I was leaving you?” He shakes his head and looks confused. “Angel, I loved you. With everything in me, I loved you. I left that day to go on a trip and then come back home. I thought you understood that. I’m very sorry you didn’t. And now it makes sense why you never came looking for me. Not even a phone call to see if I was alive.”

  “I don’t understand, Gage. Not at all. That day you left, you had just told me about your plan of traveling the world. I had just found out how you’d been keeping money squirreled away for three years. You’d been doing that without telling me a thing all that time. Never did you mention your dream of traveling or the fact you were putting money away to do that.” She looks at him and waits for his reason.

  He looks back at her and smiles. “How many times did you tell me I was a bad communicator, Baby?”

  I’m stunned that he can stand there and smile about a thing that caused her so much pain. “Dude, that’s no excuse for what you did to her,” I tell him. “You turned her into a shell of what she was. I’ve only seen a few of the tears she cried over your no good ass. I can’t imagine the number she shed before I came along. Whatever you were thinking was going to happen by you coming back here and picking up where you left off, is not going to happen.”

  He levels his eyes on me and his lips form a thin line as I’m sure he’s biting back a string of curse words he’d love to hurl at me.

  “Gage, he’s right,” she says. “Lack of communication may be to blame here. But that’s a thin excuse for two years of no communication.”

  “Are you willing to accept your part in this, Angel? You also stopped communicating,” he says.

  She nods. “I can accept that. I should’ve called, I suppose. I was hurt, though. I can look back now and see I should’ve called if only to get the closure I desperately needed. So, yes, I am partly responsible but a very small part.”

  “And can you admit that your school and work took you away from time you could’ve spent with me?” he asks as he looks at her in the same way a parent asks a child if they understand what they did wrong.

  “Dude, we’re talking work and school. You can’t expect her to feel bad about taking time away from your precious ass to further herself. What a fucking prick you are, man.” I let Angel go because now I’m shaking with anger. “If you think I’m going to stand here and let you talk shit to my woman, you’re sadly mistaken. I see right through your very selfish ass.”

  “I’m not selfish. Tell him, Angel,” he says as he glares at me.

  She doesn’t say a word as she takes me by the arm and looks at me. “It’s okay. No need to get mad about anything. His words can’t hurt me anymore.”

  He cocks his head. “What does that mean?”

  She locks her eyes on him. “It means you can’t hurt me anymore, Gage. You used to try to make me feel bad because I had to study instead of playing video games with you. You told me I was more in love with my books than you. It made me feel bad. But not so damn bad that I’d stop learning and played games with you.”

  “A person needs attention, Baby. I tried to explain that to you on many occasions.”

  “Interesting that you could take the time to let me know how I wasn’t paying enough attention to you, but never the time to tell me you had a dream of traveling the world and was hiding money to make that happen for you.” She crosses her arms in front of her. “And part of the reason I had to work so much on top of going to school was because I had to pay for the majority of things because you never seemed to have any money. Only you did have money. Lots of it, if you managed to put away enough to travel the fucking world!”

  Her ire is up and now I think this asshole is about to get ripped a new one!

  I watch from just behind her as he narrows his eyes at her and says, “You worked because you wanted to be there to watch the work the mechanics did on the bikes. And you know that’s why you were there so much. Since you were bringing in so much money, why not let you pay the bills so I could put my hard-earned money up so I could one day have my dream?”

  She throws her hands into the air. “And we’re back to your dream. The one you never talked about. This is getting to be a circle and I’m kind of sick of this circle shit. You know what, Gage, this is over. I don’t want to talk to you about anything. This is more than enough closure for me.”

  She turns back to me and takes my hand and we start to walk back inside.

  His voice is low as he says, “I was in a wreck the day I left. I’d been on the road for three hours when something happened. I can’t remember what because I was injured so badly that I was in a coma in a hospital in Sioux Falls where I was Halo-flighted to, apparently. I can’t recall any of that. I just know I woke up three months ago and had to be retaught how to walk and talk. The only thing I could remember was you.”

  This is not good news for me…

  Chapter 2

  ANGEL

  My head is spinning with what Gage has just told me. Letting go of Benny’s hand, I run back to Gage. I look into his dark eyes and see the pain behind them.

  “Gage, I’m so…”

  His mouth on mine stops my words as he grabs me up and kisses me hard. Without thinking, my arms go around his neck and I hold him and kiss him back.

  My heart is pounding and my head is spinning. The kiss ends and still he holds me tight in his arms. They used to be so strong and now I can feel some weakness in them.

  “You don’t have to say it, Love. We can move on and put that behind us,” he says with a husky whisper.

  I run my hands through his shoulder length, dark waves I used to love to mess with so much. Suddenly I remember Benny and pull myself out of Gage’s arms. “I, uh, shit! I shouldn’t have done that.” I turn back to see so much hurt on Benny’s face. I take a few steps back toward him.

  I stop as he holds up his hand. “Don’t.”

  With no idea of what to do, I stand still. “Benny…”

  He shakes his head and I see his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Angel, I just saw the worst thing. Worse than I ever imagined. You still love him.”

  I shake my head. “No. No, it’s just that I had no idea he’d been hurt. It hit me like a brick. My mind went blank.”

  I try to explain something I don’t understand myself then I feel Gage’s arm run over my shoulders. “You do love me, Angel.”

  “Don’t, Gage!” I shout and move his arm off me. “Don’t make me be mean to you. I’m with Benny now. End of story. I’m sorry you were hurt. I really am. But the fact is I love Benny more than I ever loved you in the three years we were together. I love him more than I ever loved you from the first night he and I spent together.”

  “But the kiss,” Gage says as he looks at me with tear-filled eyes. “Angel, you felt something. I know you did.”

  I shake my hea
d and find I’m right in between them both. Both men looking so rugged and strong on one hand and weak as kittens on the other.

  Benny’s expression is killing me. “You did feel something. I saw it in your eyes when you opened them. I saw it in how you ran your arms around him.”

  Then it all hits me that everything I believed was wrong. The heartbreak was for all the wrong reasons. And I should’ve been there for Gage.

  My legs go weak and I find myself slowly moving to the ground and sitting on it. Then I lay my head in my hands and cry. “What have I done?”

  For the longest time, no one says a word. Then I hear Benny say, “Look, man. I’m sorry for your accident. I really am. And I promise not to interfere with her decision. But the fact is, she and I are in love. She and I have made plans together. So for tonight, I’m taking her home. To our home.”

  “I don’t have a place to stay. I came here thinking she still had our house,” Gage says. “I’d planned on staying with her.”

  “She let that rental go when she and I moved into our place. Since the circumstances are so weird, I’ll set you up in the hotel I was staying in. Tomorrow maybe she’ll feel up to talking to you about things. She and I have some talking to do as well. But right now, she’s breaking down and I need to get her home where she feels safe. Agreed?” Benny asks him.

  I feel like a spectator in this whole thing. One who is watching from very far away. This has to be a dream. This can’t be real.

  “Yeah, I can see she’s not going to be able to talk tonight. Thanks for the motel room. I really appreciate it, man.” I hear Gage say.

  Then I’m scooped up and rest my head on a chest. A wide chest. A strong chest. Benny’s chest. I run my arms around him and bury my face in it. I can’t stand to look at either of them right now. It’s too hard.

  I can hear the sound of gravel crunching under both of their boots and know Gage is walking right next to Benny. There’s the sound of a car door opening then Gage says, “I’ll follow you to the motel.”

  “Okay,” Benny says as he carries me away to his bike.

  “I’m sorry, Benny. I really am.”

  “Shh. Don’t apologize, Baby. We’ll work this all out. You just try to calm down.” He puts me on the bike and has me in front as he climbs on behind me. “We’ll ride like this so my arms can hold you in. You lean back on me, my Angel.”

  I do as he says and feel so damn weak. Weaker than I’ve ever been. It’s even worse than the day Gage left me.

  Why is that? Why is this making me so damn weak?

  I struggle to stop crying but I can’t seem to get it under control. It’s not horrible sobs just constant tears. I feel as if I’m kind of coming unglued. I suppose this is what some call falling apart at the seams.

  I’m just a wreck. My mind isn’t working. My body just wants to shut down. I just want to shut down.

  It seems I have decisions to make and I have no idea what the right thing to do is. It used to be black and white. Gage left me and I was free to move on. And I would be a fool to take him back.

  Only thing is, now I know he was hurt and needed me and I was too stubborn to pick up the phone and make a call to make sure he was alive. I wonder why his family never called me to tell me.

  Or was his family even aware of his accident? How long was it before they were made aware? If ever. And what must they think about me?

  I bet they hate me.

  In the three years Gage and I were together, not once did he take me to meet any of them. They never visited us.

  They did live very far away, in Texas. It made sense at the time that we never had the money to go and they never had the time to come up. But they knew we were together and they should’ve called me when they found out he was hurt.

  We pull into the motel parking lot and Benny gets off and puts his arm around my waist as I lean into his side. “I think I should leave you in his truck while I check him in. You’re kind of a mess right now and I don’t want the clerk to think you’re wasted or anything like that and call the cops.”

  I nod in agreement. And wipe my eyes and make a big sniffle. Gage gets out of his truck and hands me a bunch of napkins from McDonald's. “Here, Angel. Use these to blow your nose and dry your tears. I hate to see you like this.”

  I take the handful of napkins and give him a nod then ask, “Gage, why didn’t your family call me when they found out you were in an accident?”

  “I’m not sure. I just know what they told me when I woke up. They were waiting to see if you would call. The paramedics found my cell phone and had brought it in with me. The nurses had kept it charged up in case anyone called. Mom took it over when my family got to me.” He looks away for a second then back at me. “They thought maybe you and I had broken up. I hadn’t told them a thing about my trip. So they didn’t call you. And once I woke up and asked for you, they told me to forget about you like you had forgotten about me.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  Benny squeezes me a little and kisses the side of my head. “I think she should stay out here while I get you checked in.”

  “Yeah, she’s kind of a wreck. Put her in the truck.”

  I’m picked up and placed in the driver’s side. Gage laughs a little then says, “Don’t drive off, Angel.”

  I make a grunt and blow my nose. “I can’t even see right now to run away.”

  “Good,” Benny says then closes the door.

  I can see well enough to watch the two men in my life walk away, side by side. I think about how ironic this all is and how much I wish it wasn’t happening at all.

  Just when life gets good and somewhat easy, God has to toss a monkey wrench into things and make it all fucked up. He must have quite the sense of humor.

  I run my hands over the steering wheel and for a second, I do think about running away from this. Just putting the thing in drive and peeling off and driving until I can’t anymore. Then maybe take a bus to Canada and change my name and become a nun.

  Nuns have to have easier lives than normal people. No relationships at all to worry over. No kids to worry about. No men to worry about. All they worry about is being good, staying sin free, and talking to God a bunch.

  Yeah, those broads got it made.

  I see the guys coming back out and see Gage taking Benny’s bike and walking it to park it in front of one of the motel rooms. Benny walks toward me and opens the driver’s side door.

  “Scoot, Pumpkin,” he says. I do as he’s said to. “We’re taking this. The bike ride is a bit far for you when you’re in such a bad condition. I’ll bring his truck back to him in the morning and pick up my bike.”

  “Okay,” I say and blow my nose again.

  “If you’re up to it by then. I’ll let him follow me out to the house where we can all talk and figure things out. But I won’t allow that until you’re up to it. I told him I’ll keep the room for him until things are figured out.” He lays his arm out along the back of the seat as he looks back and backs out of the parking space.

  I lean into his side and rest my head on his shoulder. “Thank you.”

  He pulls me in close and wraps his arm around me, making me feel safe and loved.

  The decision should be so easy. And maybe in the morning after a good night’s sleep and a whole pot of coffee, I will be able to make the decision easily. I hope so, anyway.

  “I’ll sleep in the room next to ours so you can think, Angel,” he says out of nowhere.

  I sit up and look at him. “No! No, Benny!”

  “I think you should be alone to think.” He looks straight ahead without looking over at me.

  “No, Benny. Or is it I because you’re mad at me?” I ask as I wipe my eyes.

  “I’m not mad.” He glances at me sideways. “I’m probably just as confused as you are. I mean, here we both thought this guy was just a really big asshole and come to find out he was in a coma all this time. There’s a lot for you to think about. I know that. And I saw how you reacted to him
. You did love him at one time.”

  I lean back and drop my head onto the back of the seat. “Please don’t leave me alone, Benny. I’ll just go in circles in my mind. I need you, Baby.”

  His eyes flash as he turns his head to look at me. “If it will make you feel better, then I won’t leave you alone. But if you need space all you have to do is ask me for it. I want you to know I understand this is not a normal situation.”

  Leaning into him, I run my fingertips over his upper thigh. “Benny, I love you. Although this situation is not normal, my love for you will overcome anything I feel for Gage. I know it will.”

  “Hope so.” He kisses my forehead and I feel something in the light kiss.

  Something that tells me that he’s guarding his heart in case I do pick Gage instead of him.

  “You’re a very good man, Benjamin Worthington,” I tell him and stroke his chest.

  The muscles ripple underneath his tight black T-shirt as my fingers run over them. He takes my hand off his chest and kisses it. “I’m not, Angel. You bring this man out in me. If you knew how badly I want to still rip the guy’s head off, you’d think differently.”

  “Why do you still want to rip his head off? He didn’t leave me like I thought,” I ask.

  “Because he kissed you and wants to steal you away from me.”

  I nod. “Yeah, that would make me kind of want to rip someone’s head off too. You know, Benny, you have more patience and tolerance than I do.”

  “I know,” he says then we both laugh.

  I play with his beard. “Promise me you won’t hurt him, though. I already feel pretty terrible that he was hurt, and I wasn’t around to help him.”

  He pulls into our drive and looks over at me as he parks the truck. “You know I won’t hurt him. Unless he really pisses me off, then I will.”