Winter

by Michelle Love

He turns to look at me and asks, “What made Genevieve think she could control my life? What makes you think you can?”

  “No one wants to control your life, Damon. You have a son …”

  He stops me. “Might have a son. You don’t know that for a fact yet.”

  “You’re right. I don’t. If you have a son, then you owe him more than five days out of your life. You have to agree to that.”

  “I don’t owe anyone anything. She had him without telling me. Genevieve had my information, and she could’ve told me in the beginning. If anyone is owed a thing, it’s me. I lost four years of that kid’s life because of her.”

  “And you have every right to be angry about that. And you can be as mad as you want to. You can let anger take you over and make you do stupid things. Or you can be thankful that she wanted you to know him and made it possible for you and him to be a family. I suppose it’s all up to you. But you must know this: I won’t stand back and let it all happen if you decide to leave him.”

  “And what do you think you can do about it, Liv?”

  “Make life difficult for you in any way I deem fit.”

  “Do you have an inner bitch who resides in you that you’ve not made me aware of?” he asks as he looks directly into my eyes.

  With a blink, I break the stare as I answer him, “Yes, I do. And believe me, you don’t want to meet her. Do yourself a favor and just roll with what comes your way. Whatever that may be.”

  “You’re kind of scary, Liv.”

  “Look, I don’t want to be this way. I just love that kid and made a vow to protect him and help make his life as good as it can be. That’s all. Don’t let your imagination make it into any more than that. He has no mother. I’m like his Momma bear. Just don’t hurt him and things will be great.”

  “And if you and I don’t work out?” he asks as he grips my arm.

  I look at his hold on me and then at him. “Damon, if you and I don’t work out, that doesn’t matter at all. I’ll still be in Harold’s life and in his corner, always.”

  “If I marry someone els,e they may see you as a threat,” he says, and it makes a sharp pain stab at my heart.

  “Really, Damon! Why do you have to go there? At this point, that doesn’t matter. And if some woman you marry does see me as a threat then that’s for you to fix. I’ll always be in Harold’s life. That’ll never change. So you and anyone you bring into your life will have to deal with that.”

  “Do you live at the estate?”

  “I do. But I can move out if you want me to.”

  He looks me over then runs his hands over his head. “This is insane! I feel so damn odd. I don’t like change and this is way too much.”

  Suddenly, I’m pissed. “You know what, Damon, you took me, without asking me a thing, and you fucked me. You’re the one who made this situation into something harder than it had to be!”

  “Don’t act like you didn’t want it!” he throws back at me. “Every fucking night, you’ve wanted it!”

  “And I still do. But I don’t want to be the reason you walk away from your kid. If you’re afraid of me thinking we’re in a relationship, and you can never fuck anyone else, then think again. My primary objective is helping you and Harold integrate into a father and son. I can stop fucking you if that’s what it takes.”

  “But you’ll always be part of our lives if I stay,” he says then turns away from me.

  “You’re picking at anything you can to make yourself believe this will never work. I don’t think there’s a damn thing I can say that you won’t warp to fit what you really want. And that’s to walk away from us both, pretending you just can’t do this. You just can’t be a father and a boyfriend.”

  He turns back and I can see anger flash in his dark eyes. “I’ve never been either! What you’re asking for is too much!”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I sigh as I look at a frightened little boy, instead of a grown and completely capable man. “Get used to it, baby. That’s what being a parent is all about—being asked over and over again for things you didn’t know you could do or even ever wanted to do.”

  “I’m going back to bed, Liv. You’ve given me even more to think about. And just so you know, I don’t have to accept anything. I can sign my rights over to the kid. He’s a rich kid. If you don’t take him, someone else will. Someone who knows how to be a father. Goodnight.” He closes the door behind him and I’m left fuming mad.

  He cannot just walk away like that!

  Damon

  My alarm goes off at four-thirty, the way it does every morning, and I get up to start my exercise regimen. As I turn on the overhead light, I see that a piece of paper has been slipped under my door.

  With a sigh, I pick it up, ready to read a bunch of hostile stuff from Liv. I was truthful with her last night, and that’s going to bite me in the ass now, I’m sure.

  Why can’t women just accept men for who they are and not try to change them all the damn time?

  Unfolding the page, I see she starts with an endearment.

  Baby,

  I was furious when you left me standing there, watching you go, and feeling helpless. It was at that moment that I realized just exactly how you must feel. Helpless.

  My heart broke at that moment. And I was sorry for ever feeling anger at you.

  You’re only human. Sure, you look like a God from another world, but you really are just a man. A man with faults and insecurities just like any other man, or woman for that matter.

  My life changed when Genevieve contacted me, asking me to come to London and then asking me to stay on so I could help her son. I think she must’ve had a premonition about her death that she never wanted to tell me she’d had. I don’t know. But I do know this: that kid needs me.

  I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I wasn’t looking to be anything to you, other than a friend who’d be helping you learn how to parent. And I’m sorry for the sex stuff. That was unprofessional of me and stupid, I can see now.

  But I wouldn’t change it for the world. You’re fantastic!

  I’m writing this letter to let you know that I am your friend more than I’m anything else to you. I care about you nearly as much as I care about Harold. And I can understand how you must feel.

  I judged you. I expected a lot out of you. And I was wrong to do that. I’m sorry, and I’ll accept whatever it is you have to do for yourself. Not all of us are cut out to be parents, after all.

  I didn’t know I was. But that kid just got under my skin, little by little.

  So all I’m going to ask of you is one more week. If the results come back and you are Harold’s father, please give it another week. Things will be different from hanging out in this hotel. We’ll be going home. You may see things differently there.

  No matter what, Damon, I will not judge you. And I will always be here for you.

  Yours in love,

  Liv

  Folding the letter, I place it in my bag. I think I’ll keep it. I can’t recall a time anyone was so honest with me and saw things from a side that wasn’t their own.

  Liv’s a different kind of woman. A woman who deserves more. And so does Harry. But for now, I’m all they’ve got. I’ll do what she’s asked me to. If I am the father, that is.

  A knock has me looking at the door. “Yes?”

  “The results have arrived, Damon,” Liv’s sweet voice tells me.

  “I’ll be right out. Is Harry awake yet?”

  “No.”

  “That’s for the best.” I pad over to the door and open it.

  Liv’s standing there in shorts and a shirt with the envelope in her hand. She places it in mine and I gesture for her to come in. “You sure?” she asks me. “You wouldn’t rather get this news on your own?”

  Taking her hand, I lead her to sit with me on the bed. “Nah, I want your support. I’ll need it either way.”

  My hand is shaking as I open the cream-colored envelope. The paper is cream-colored too and I handle it
delicately. If he’s mine, then I’ll be saving this forever.

  Opening the letter slowly, I find my eyes closing. “Oh,” Liv says. “Open them up. Read it, Damon.”

  “I’m his dad.”

  “You’re his father, Damon!”

  Looking at Liv, I’m struck dumb. I don’t know what to say. I feel numb. It all feels unreal to me. “I’m a dad, Liv.”

  “You are,” she says with a bright smile. “Harold is going to be over the moon!”

  Shaking my head, I just can’t believe it. “Liv, I am that little boy’s father. I am the father of a son.” My entire body begins to shake and I’ve never been more afraid in my whole life.

  I’ve run through crossfire. I’ve jumped into freezing water and swam a mile to get to a dark beach where I got out, killed bad people, then swam back through shark infested waters to my boat. I’ve been held prisoner for fourteen hours and threatened with physical harm, yet I’m more afraid now than any of those times.

  Her arms go around me, holding me in a loose hug. “It’s okay, baby. It is. You’ve just been given a tremendous amount of responsibility. In a matter of five days, you went from what some might consider an expectant father to a real dad. Most guys have months to get used to the idea. You’re doing great.

  “Am I?” I ask, finding my voice shaky.

  She laughs and looks at me with sparkling green eyes. “You are.”

  Suddenly there’s a little blonde-haired boy rubbing his sleep-filled eyes at the door. “I’m up.”

  Liv gives me a nod and says, “Come sit with us, Harold.”

  Wearing a set of pound puppy PJ’s, he walks over to us, and I pick him up, placing him on my lap. Holding the paper out, I ask him, “Harry, would you like it if I was your real father?”

  He looks at the paper, then up at me. His smile tells me what he’s going to say. “Yes.”

  Liv runs her hand through his unruly curls. “Of course you would.” She looks at me. “Go on, Damon.”

  “Harry, this paper says that I am, in fact, your real father.” I realize just how badly my voice is shaking and clear my throat to stop that. I don’t want him to think I don’t want him. “Would you like to call me Daddy?”

  He claps just once as he grins. “Very much!”

  “Then go right ahead, because you have a dad now and I have a son.” I pull him in for a big hug and look at Liv over his little shoulder. “You will help me, won’t you?”

  “You two are mine to watch over. I’ll always be here for you both.” She leans in and joins our hug.

  I feel like a happy little family. But I don’t know how well either of them will take it when I have to go to work. Liv thinks it’s just that easy to get out of the service, but she’s dead wrong about that.

  And I don’t want to quit it, either!

  Liv

  Instead of the looks, I thought I’d get from Damon as he sees the palatial estate, the ornate grounds that are kept in pristine condition by the gardeners, or the many garages that house the cars that are now his, I’m getting a stoic gaze as he takes in all I show him.

  “Wanna meet my pony?” Harry asks Damon as he tugs at his hand.

  “More?” Damon asks. “We’ve seen the horse barn.”

  “But there’s one for the pony too,” Harry says as he pulls with all his might to get his father to go with him.

  “He really likes Chub-Chub,” I tell Damon as I come up on the other side of him and run my arm through his, leaning into him a bit. I think he needs a bit of my energy to help him take this whole thing in.

  “You named it Chub-Chub?” Damon asks Harry.

  “Cause of he’s fat, Daddy.” The child erupts with laughter. “Daddy! I have a daddy!”

  The stoic expression vanishes as Damon picks up his son and laughs with him. “And I have a son. Come on, let’s go introduce me to your pony.”

  Away we go to the small barn that houses the little black pony that was bought for Harold on his first birthday. I can see how Damon is overwhelmed by all of this. It’s grandeur for certain.

  But it’s just a home when you get down to it. Inside the sprawling mansion, the family used a few rooms every day. Little by little, Damon will learn his way around. And there are always servants around to help steer him in the right direction.

  As we walk through the rose garden to get to the pony’s pen, I tell Damon about dinner for the evening. “Since the hotel restaurants only had traditional English food, I ordered the cook to make us something American tonight. What do you think about cheeseburgers, fries, and chocolate milkshakes?”

  “I think that sounds great. What do you think about that, Harry?” Damon asks his son as he places him back on the ground so he can run to his pony.

  “I don’t know what that is,” Harry shouts as he runs in front of us.

  “He doesn’t know what that is?” Damon asks me and looks as if some crime has been committed.

  “His mother and grandparents didn’t eat things like that. English, through and through, is what they were. You have tons to teach him, Damon.” I kiss his cheek and watch him as he looks at his son.

  “I do, don’t I?” he asks, then runs his arm around my waist, pulling me close. “Promise me that you’ll never leave us, Liv. I don’t know what I’d do without you right now. And when I have to go back to base, I’ll need your help even more so.”

  “Damon,” I start to say, but he places a finger to my lips to quiet me.

  “I’m going to buy a place near the base. That way we can live there. But I can’t just leave the Navy. I have certain obligations, and I’m not the kind of man who leaves his team members with no one to take his place.”

  Stopping, I take his hands and stand in front of him. “Damon, you need to stay alive for that little boy. Playing soldier isn’t a thing you should be doing anymore. He has no one else in this world.”

  “He has you.” He kisses the tip of my nose.

  “I’m not his blood.”

  “You’re every bit as close to him as a mother would be. And you’re coming with us back to Florida. You’re going to be with me throughout his life. You’ve already told me that. And all I’m talking about is a few missions, when necessary. And going to the base Monday through Friday to do the things I need to do. You can handle things at home for me, can’t you?” He twirls a lock of my hair around his finger, flirting with me to get what he wants.

  Only I want him to spend time with his son. And I don’t want him doing dangerous things. He doesn’t have to!

  “Damon, we’ll discuss this more later. You did say you’d give us a week here at the estate. Going back to Florida may be a thing you won’t even want to do. This place runs like a well-oiled machine. Finding a nice place and staffing it in Florida won’t be as easy as it sounds. And what about me? What is it I’ll be to you?”

  The deer in the headlights look has me knowing I’m moving too fast. Asking more than he’s ready to give. But I push it anyway as I stare right back into his big eyes.

  “Um, like what do you mean? You’ll be what you are now. Isn’t what we all have going well?” He gulps, and I laugh.

  “Okay, too soon. I get it.”

  “Good. I like you. I do. But so many things are happening right now. I don’t want to tell you something I may want to retract later and hurt you. I hope you can understand.” He puts his arm around me again and we continue our journey to where Harry is already petting his pony.

  “Hurry up, Daddy. Chub-Chub’s waiting!”

  I know I have to be patient with Damon. So much has been thrown at him. But damn it, it’s hard!

  Damon

  I can’t seem to get comfortable in this enormous place. Liv’s putting Harry to bed and I’m sitting in my bedroom that’s the size of an entire home.

  There’s a giant bed, a whole living room set, and so many places to put clothes, shoes, and anything I could ever want. Tomorrow is Monday and Liv said we’d be going to the bank to get me all setup. I’ll b
e filthy rich when I go to bed tomorrow night. I wonder how that’ll feel.

  A knock at my door has me getting off the bed I was lying on. I haven’t dressed for bed yet. I can’t seem to settle down enough to do anything more than think.

  “Damon?” Liv calls out from the other side.

  “Come in, Liv,” I say as I go to sit on the sofa.

  She comes in, smiling, and comes to sit next to me. “He’s asleep. He loves his own bed and his room. It’s so easy to get him to sleep in there. Another thing you should take into consideration.”

  I’m tired of thinking. Tired of considering. All I want is to get all up on the woman who found me and changed my life so dramatically.

  Without saying a word, I tangle my hands in her hair and kiss her hard, wanting to drown out the voices in my head that haven’t stopped nagging at me all day.

  Her warm body yields to mine as she runs her arms around me. She’s perfect, everything I need and then some. And how much I need her is frightening.

  I’ve never needed anyone. Not that I had anyone to depend on if I needed to. But Liv has made me need her in more ways than one.

  For now, though, I need her body to take me away for a while. So I push her to lie back on the leather sofa and tug at the buttons on her shirt. Once I have it open, I push her bra up and kiss her tits, then suckle one as I play with the other.

  She pulls at the hem of my T-shirt, pulling it off, making me leave her breasts for a moment. Then I get right back to them. Her hands move over my back and I’m kind of afraid of how natural it all feels.

  This has become a nightly habit. She puts Harry to bed, then comes to me and puts me to bed too. And then she slips off to her own bedroom as I sleep the night away. My dreams have all been pleasant with her putting me to bed each night.

  And suddenly I wonder just what I’ve become. A man who needs a woman!

  Pulling my mouth off her delicious tit, I look at her. Her eyes sparkle as if magic lies behind them. “Are you a witch, Livacious Tillman?”

  She laughs and runs her hands over my shoulders. “Why would you ask me that?”

  “I feel like a spell’s been put on me. I don’t feel like the man I was when I came to England. And that’s mostly because of you. Harry has a lot to do with it, and the money too, but you’re the real change I feel inside me.”