by Janie Marie
That night, David had come over late, and he said he’d stay on the couch. She was too eager to have him stay over, so she convinced him to stay in her room, that they could fit on her bed. They were innocent about it, just holding hands and talking, then she’d woken up practically on top of him. He said she was super restless until he let her lay on him, and they just stayed that way—with him lightly running his fingers through her hair—until their stomachs started growling.
That was the day she knew there was more she wanted between them, but she didn’t want to lose him if he didn’t feel the same. So, she’d decided to wait for him to make the first move.
“You know I care about you, Jane.” David’s voice pulled her back to the present. “I always have. Always will.”
For some reason, this felt like a breakup speech. Like she was going to lose the friendship she thought meant more than it really did. She got angry all over again. “Thanks. I got it—you’re my caring stepbrother for life.”
He chuckled, moving a bit. “You think I like being your stepbrother—that things had to change between us?”
She held her breath. He never brought up anything about the way things had started to go with them. It had just instantly changed to them being siblings and nothing more.
Then he added, “You know I wanted to be with you, Jane.”
She gasped, hugging her legs tighter. “You did not.”
“I think I know how I felt about you.” He reached out, tugging her hand so he could hold it. “Did you really forget how we were becoming? Because I haven’t. I think about every time I got to touch you. I think about that night I stayed here, of you wrapping your legs around me and burying your face against my neck, telling me how good I smelled.” He chuckled, making her shiver. She loved when he did that deep laugh. “You’re always on my mind.”
Tears stung her eyes. “You’ve pretended like none of it ever happened—like I’m nothing but a stepsister.”
“I have to.” He squeezed her hand. “I never wanted to make things hard on anyone. My dad was happy, your mom was happy. Besides, you just smiled and nodded, like it was all okay.
“The day they told us was already the worst day for me. Losing my spot to Ryder nearly broke me, but I was okay because I knew things were changing for us. Or, I hoped they were. I could have everything taken from me but be okay if I had you. But then Dad took me out after practice.
“I thought it would be a cheer-up chat or train harder, but then he brought up our friendship and how glad he was that we were such good friends. I thought maybe he was going to get onto me for grabbing your ass, or even the sex-talk, but he said I’ll be a great brother to you.
“I was confused, then panicking and angry when I realized what he was getting at. I wanted to yell, tell him he couldn’t do this to us, but he looked so happy about marrying your mom and making you his daughter. He was proud of me for taking care of you. I just told him I was happy for him.
“Then he brought up Ryder. He said I needed to keep an eye on you around him because you clearly liked him. Outside I agreed to be a good stepbrother and watch out for you, but inside, I was dying. I’d lost you before I could really make you mine.
“I waited for you to do what Dad expected and pick Ryder. I tried to prepare for it, or for anyone to come along for you, because maybe I was wrong about your feelings. Dad was so sure you liked Ryder, so maybe you didn’t love me the same way I loved you. Every day since then has been like a death sentence hanging over my head—waiting for someone to take my whole world from me. All because I was too stupid, holding back when I wanted to ask you to be mine.”
Shock. The cold feeling that spread out from her heart, down her arms and legs, had to be from shock.
“Baby,” he said making her heart pound, “I’ve tried to be the best brother, tried to date girls, just to do the right thing and move on, but I can’t. And I don’t want to ruin your reputation with the shit it would cause by us being together. I don’t want to ruin Dad’s relationship either.
“So, yeah, I was freaking the fuck out to wake up and have you in a position I fantasize about all the time. I thought it was another dream, but you were really there. I’ve been worried about you all day, worried you’d hate me, blame me for abusing you or taking advantage of you. I guess now I’m just hoping you feel something for me.”
“You’re not messing with me, right?” She didn’t know what to think just yet, and she was terrified to hope again.
“I promise I’m not messing around.” He lifted her hand to his lips, kissing her fingers. It felt like a brand. “It’s always been you, Jane.”
She felt like crying. This was all she’d wanted since she was probably twelve, and it had intensified over the years. “I feel everything for you, David. I know you were asleep this morning, so please don’t think you hurt me. It just hurt to have you look at me the way you did. You’ve pushed me away since they got together, and I thought I was stupid for feeling the way I do.”
Even in the dark, she could see his smile. “If you’re stupid, so am I.”
She sniffed, squeezing his hand. So strong and warm. Hot. Like he’d burn her if they went any further, but she wanted to burn if it was him destroying her. Everything would be okay with him. “What does this mean?”
He sighed, scooting closer. “I don’t know. Dad will kill me if he knows I’m even thinking about you the way I do. He’s always pushing me to get a girlfriend, and I think some part of him knows how I feel about you. I don’t want to disappoint him, but I don’t want you thinking I just feel like your stepbrother and nothing else. You’re my best friend, my Jane, my baby. I feel sick whenever I have to put on the stepbrother act around you. It breaks my heart to see your sad eyes, but I don’t know what else to do. I just needed you to know.”
She had no idea she let it show. “You tried to go out with girls because you wanted to do the right thing? Because Kingston wants you to?”
He tensed but nodded. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, wanting only you. I thought if I forced myself to move on with someone, I’d be able to let you go. Because all I want is to make you mine—always. I didn’t want anyone around you, and I knew someday a guy would go after you. I didn’t want to take that from you, so I tried to move on.”
“Tried? You mean you didn’t love anyone?” She was trying to find the courage to ask if he’d had sex in his effort to ‘do the right thing’, but she was a wimp.
“No, I haven’t loved any girls. I swear. All I want is your pretty face to look back at me, your smile, your laugh. Everything about you, I want. I can barely even function around the girls I’ve been with. No one comes close to you.”
“I feel like I’m dreaming.” She moved to touch his face with her other hand, almost sobbing when she found his lips and he smiled.
“I really hope this isn’t a dream,” he said, “because I’ve imagined telling you so many times, and each time, there’s always you, laughing in my face telling me I’m a sick pervert for loving my sister.”
“Stepsister.”
His lips curved up again. “I hate when people say you’re my sister. It’s like a knife in my heart, reminding me that you’re forbidden.”
She kept touching his mouth, tracing his lips. He had amazing lips and that smile, it was so damn beautiful. “So, what do we do now?”
“Right now, I want to kiss you. Forbidden or not, I need to show you how I feel—show you I’m not your fucking brother.”
Oh, damn.
He moved her hand to his shoulder then pulled her closer. “You okay with this?”
Fuck, was this really happening? She really hadn’t expected David to be so forward, but here he was, proving her wrong.
Her heart screamed yes, let him do everything to her, and she was totally for it. She’d been a good girl all her life, and he was her dream guy.
“I’m okay,” she whispered.
“I’m trying to go slow,” he said, “but I just need to
feel you. Tell me to stop when it’s too much.”
She panted, her body trembling with anticipation as his hands slid across her waist. Then he pulled her to straddle his lap. No one had touched her before, and he was setting fire to her. He was so muscular, so warm. “What if we get caught?” she asked.
He dragged a finger down her throat. “My dad got called out, and your mom was coming in when I got here. She said she was tired.”
Jane almost moaned. He was so much bigger than she remembered when they’d hugged and touched before. He was a man now. “David, I haven’t been with anyone. Not even a kiss.”
“Fuck.” He stilled his hand.
“I’m sorry.” She didn’t want him to stop, but she thought he knew, and she prayed he would prove her wrong about Diane.
“No, don’t be. I just feel like I’m forcing you again.” He cupped her cheeks. “I love that you’ve turned down guys. I’ve hoped it was because of me.”
“It was,” she said, embarrassed but happy when she made out his smile. Now, she once again hoped that meant he hadn’t been with Diane or anyone else. “You said the girls you’ve been with . . . you can barely function . . . Does that mean you never had sex?”
He was quiet, then he was pulling her face closer to his. “Jane, sweetheart, I’ve tried to move on.”
Her nose burned. He confirmed all her fears.
He held her cheek, keeping her face close to his. “I didn’t know how to let you go, how to keep my own sanity. Everyone pressures me. So, like I said—I tried.”
It felt like her chest was caving in but being ripped open at the same time. “Diane?”
He sighed, and that was all she needed.
She sniffed, turning her head away. Why did it hurt so much? She’d guessed this about him, and she’d told herself all these years he was only her stepbrother. She’d hidden her feelings as best as she could, too. So, why did it matter if he'd tried to move on? It should be good that he was here, right? “Are you dating her again?”
“No.” He turned her to face him. “She always comes to me, and I let her because it keeps the others away, but I haven’t been with her in a while. I won’t be with her again.” He pulled her hand over his pounding heart. “I hate myself for it, Jane. In some fucked up way, I even did it because it would make me unworthy to think about you the way I have. But my heart aches for you more than ever.”
God, David was always like this, trying to solve things on his own, but fuck if this was the wrong way to solve their situation. Her heart wept, but she was so angry at the same time. She wanted to make him forget Diane. She wanted him to see what a damn fool he was for trying to move on, with Diane of all people, and she wanted to have him. More than anything, she wanted to be the one to feel him, to just give in to her heart’s wishes. “Fine,” she said, wiping a tear. “I get it. It’s okay.”
“Are you sure?” At least the worried tone in his voice sounded genuine. “I mean it, I’ve hated myself. I swear she never had my heart, not a single part of it. I would feel bad about thinking that way and using her, but you’re the only one I’m worried about.”
It should make her mad he’d used a girl to get past his feelings for her, but she wasn’t upset about it either. What kind of horrible person did that make her? “Okay, just please show me it’s me.” She didn’t know what to say to him, and she was already regretting this, but she loved him.
“We can go slow.”
Jane shook her head. “Everything. Now.”
“Jane,” he said seriously, but he didn’t push her away.
“I’m sure, David.” She ignored her sad soul’s pleas to be smart and pulled him closer. “Please just love me.”
“Baby, I’ve always loved you,” he whispered, brushing their lips together but not quite kissing her. “Are you sure? We really don’t have to—”
Jane tangled her fingers in his hair, tightening her legs around him. “Yes, I’m sure” she breathed, lost the moment his fiery lips pressed fully against hers.
He didn’t exactly go slow, she didn’t think. His fingers dug into her hips but then rubbed the sting away before he wrapped an arm around her back. This wasn’t just her first kiss. This was David kissing her, marking her, showing her that he’d fucked up, but it was her he wanted.
David smiled against her lips, then angled his head, pushing her mouth open and sliding his tongue in.
Oh, wow.
She moaned, gripping him harder, trying to copy him, but he devoured her. Yes, she could forgive him if he kissed her like this. She’d spied him kissing Diane and other girls a few times, and it wasn’t like this. Never like this.
He moved a hand to squeeze her ass, then shifted enough so he could lift her to turn them. “You still okay?”
She pulled his mouth back to hers. Hell yes, she was okay.
He smiled, kissing her harder as he laid her back on the bed. Yanking the covers aside, he situated her, his breathing heavier as he positioned himself above her. “I’ve fantasized about having you under me.” He pulled one of her legs up, sliding his hand along her thigh. “You’re so beautiful, baby. No one compares to you.”
“You can’t even see me.” She wanted his words to wash away all her hurt.
“Oh, I’ve seen you.” He chuckled, lowering his face to kiss her again as he cupped one of her breasts. “I’m dying to see the rest of you.”
She touched his cheek, pulling him to her. “I thought I might be deformed by how you reacted.”
“You’re perfect for me.” He kissed her chin, then along her jaw before sucking on her neck. He squeezed her breast at the same time, and she somehow felt it all the way between her legs. Shit that was new, and it was intense. Like she instantly needed to feel it every second of every day.
Then his mouth covered one of her breasts, and he licked her hardened nipples through her tank top.
Jane moaned, gripping his hair. He grinned and tugged her top down so he could suck the nipple he’d just teased.
“Oh God,” she whispered.
“Not God.” He moved up until he was kissing her lips again. “Just your David. All yours.”
“My David,” she said as Ryder Godson’s face suddenly appeared in her mind.
“Yes, Jane.” David kissed her softly, moving his hips so she felt his growing erection. “It’s always been you.”
Now she felt like crying, and it wasn’t a lustful cry either, or even a relieved one. She felt like she was cheating, and it confused the fuck out of her. Of course, none of this was cheating—she and Ryder weren’t dating. But . . .
“Jane?” David had started to kiss his way across her cheek, but he stopped and brushed a thumb over her cheek. Tears. She was crying. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she croaked, hating that of all times she had wanted this with David, and she gets it, but Ryder is the guy on her mind. It didn’t make any sense. Not even her attempt to get David to have sex with her.
He’d confessed to fucking Diane, yet she was trying to give him her virginity.
This was a mistake. She wasn’t thinking. Still, she blurted, “Just kiss me again. I’ll be okay.”
“No, talk to me.” He settled his weight on one arm as he pulled her top into place “I know you’re upset. I should’ve gone slower—I was just excited.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She really didn’t know anything now. He felt so good, better than her dreams about him, and he was perfect for her. Except, he wasn’t the only guy on her mind. No, the guy on her mind made her heart beat faster, made her tummy flutter with his words, and made her skin tingle with just his touch.
Ryder made her tingle, David burned her like he was marking his territory. Like he was too much, or something she wasn’t supposed to touch. It felt wrong to think about Ryder while she was with David. And it hurt most of all that she couldn’t stop wondering how she really compared to Diane, and how many times David had been with her.
David sighed, then kis
sed her forehead. “It’s okay. We’ll go slower, or do you need to think about us longer?”
Jane stared up at him. She still wanted him so badly, even with the stepbrother thing. It wasn’t like they were blood. Kingston hadn’t even adopted her or asked her to take his name. She was a Mortaime, after her father, and David was a Leodegrance. It was just the Diane that bothered her. And now Ryder.
“I like this,” she finally told him. “It was the perfect first kiss. But I think I need time.” Even though this probably ruined her chances with David she stood by her decision. After all, David had chosen Diane to replace her. She’d never forget that. She’d never forget that he’d fucked a girl to move on from her.
“I’ll wait for you to tell me what you want.” David gave her a final kiss, breathing her in as she did the same. He moved but only to rest his forehead on hers. “If you move on, though, Jane, I’ll do the same, even if it kills me to do it.”
She whined but nodded. “Yeah.”
He caressed her cheek. “My heart is yours. Don’t you dare think I’ll move on easily. It was never easy for me. I wanted you. Every touch, kiss, thought—it was you. I don’t care how shitty of a guy that makes me. I was just trying to protect everyone and do the right thing.”
“Okay.” She untangled herself from him, sliding her legs down.
“I’m going to remember this forever,” he said, not moving away yet. “Better than my best dreams of you.”
“You dream about me?”
“Every night.” He kissed her forehead again. “You’re my dream girl.”
That helped a little. Not enough, but it soothed the current sting.
“Are you getting a ride with Wendy tomorrow?” he asked.
Jane froze, but swallowed and answered, “Ryder’s taking me to school, and I’m riding home with him.”
She felt David’s fiery gaze even with the darkness hiding him. “What?”
“Um. He offered because he noticed you didn’t have the car. He said the coach was going to let him skip, so he could take me.”
“No.” David pushed himself off her, but he didn’t get off the bed. “Call Wendy.”