by Janie Marie
“David,” she said, getting out of the tub.
He stopped, looking over his shoulder as she dripped all over the floor. “I loved you without you taking your clothes off, Jane. I was sorry—I am sorry for what I did. But I would never have done what I did as a way to get back at you. It was for you that I did any of this.” He tossed her the towel that hung near him. “I hope he doesn’t make you feel that’s the only way you can be loved.”
Jane watched him leave, her heart screaming at her. Part of her wanted to yell at him and defend Ryder while a bigger part wanted to cry and beg him to forgive her. Even if they weren’t together, even if he had broken her heart, he hadn’t done it to hurt her on purpose.
She should’ve talked to him or tried to cope without letting her hormones get into the mix. But the sad truth was, she couldn’t even talk to David. Not anymore. The friendship she thought she had with him wasn’t real anymore. They didn’t hang out. They didn’t know each other like they used to. They weren’t David and Jane.
She trembled as she wrapped the towel around herself.
Her phone vibrated on the counter, drawing her attention before she broke into hysterics. As soon as she saw the notification from Ryder, her heart wept, and she smiled.
Ryder Cuteson: Talk to me, babe
She covered her eyes, crying silently before she sent a text: He said don’t come crying to him when you break my heart.
He hates me.
Ryder Cuteson: Where are you?
Bathroom.
Ryder Cuteson: Did you tell him you’re still thinking?
Yes. He thinks I’ve picked you.
Ryder Cuteson: You picked me for something special between us.
Ryder Cuteson: But you didn’t pick me.
Ryder Cuteson: Yet.
Ryder Cuteson: Tell him that.
Jane tried to calm herself. She was sad and angry, but Ryder was helping her breathe: He won’t let me.
Ryder Cuteson: Did you try? Or did you sit there and cry?
She glared at her phone: Fuck you.
Ryder Cuteson: Already did, babe.
Ryder Cuteson: I’m not letting you pick me as a fallback guy.
Ryder Cuteson: Now go talk to him.
Jane stared at her phone, her hand shaking. Is that what she was doing? Picking a runner up because David was too good? Like the girl who picked Tercero when she couldn’t have Ryder. Was Ryder her Tercero, and David her Ryder?
Ryder Cuteson: You’re my moon, Jane.
Ryder Cuteson: But he’s your sun.
Ryder Cuteson: If you pick me, do it because you decide you don’t like the heat anymore.
Ryder Cuteson: Not because he burned your pretty ass then sent you crawling to me.
Jane looked up at her mirror and saw a girl she somewhat recognized, ugly crying as she read the sweetest advice from the rude jerk next door.
She typed out a reply: I really really like you.
Ryder Cuteson: I know you do.
Ryder Cuteson: Now go take your cute, emotional ass in there and talk to Mr. Perfect.
Ryder Cuteson: If something happens, I understand. I’ll still wait for you to tell me what you want.
Okay.
Ryder Cuteson: And I really really really like you, too.
She sniffed, wiping her face. “Sweet asshole,” she whispered. It was moments like this where picking Ryder felt as right as breathing. Really, there was no reason to not go all-in on him. He was funny, sweet, thoughtful. His gorgeousness was just a perk. She’d thought he was just mean—that it was his only good quality—and that wasn’t the case.
So, why was she stalling? Why wasn’t she just running to Ryder because the damn sun was burning her? David had been burning her for years, and she’d let him, even if he didn’t mean to hurt her. She’d taken it in silence.
Jane stared at the door to his room, and she knew why. David was her home. He’d always been home—where she wanted to return to every night. With him right there, she’d felt like a stranger, living at a home she didn’t deserve.
No, she deserved to be happy. Everyone did.
With that thought in mind, she started toward her door to get dressed so she could confront him but halted and headed to his. She’d give him a taste of what he’d put her through by always walking around shirtless around her and entering her room without an invitation.
She swung the door open confidently, ready to drop her towel, except, it was empty.
Her bravado weakened, and she hugged the towel to her chest as she scanned his things and saw the shirt he’d been wearing on the floor. He was probably showering.
“Maybe this is a sign,” she mumbled, walking by his desk where he had his clothes set out for tomorrow. It was Friday tomorrow. Game Day. His first day as a high school middle linebacker, and Ryder would be standing on the sidelines, watching David.
Jane gasped when she saw his spare jersey sitting next to the one he’d wear. Was he going to give it to Diane? He never gave his jersey to one of the girls, not even Diane. The only person he asked to wear it was her mom on Homecoming. But it was common for the football players to give them to their girlfriends to wear on game day.
“I was going to give it to you,” David said behind her.
She turned, shaking when he shut and locked the door. He wore a pair of gray sweatpants and nothing else, his wet hair dripping onto his shoulders. “But not anymore?”
He shrugged, then ran his towel through his hair before tossing it to the dirty clothes pile. “Figured you’d wear Ryder’s now.”
“Well, he hasn’t said anything.” She pressed her lips together, wondering what she was going to say to him. He was still pissed. Speaking calmly, yes, but there was a storm in his blue eyes, and he was ready at any moment to unleash it on her. If he did, she didn’t think anything of her would survive.
“Well, I guess you should talk to him about that.” He put his hands on his waist, showing off that ‘v’ that dipped below his waistband. “I’m tired, Jane. Go to bed. There’s nothing else for us to say to each other. You made your choice.”
“I didn’t choose the way you think. It’s not an excuse, but I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she said, panicking at the coldness in his eyes now. “I was hurting, but I didn’t plan it, and I didn’t do it to get back at you.” No, she knew there was more to it, and she whimpered, “Well, maybe a part of me did.”
He nodded, his jaw clenching, but he didn’t say anything.
“It wasn’t what I was thinking of, though. I like him. He’s different with me, and he finds ways to be around me. I needed that today. I needed someone to make me their world after everything that happened.”
“You pushed me away,” he said through clenched teeth, then squeezed his eyes shut, like he regretted saying it.
It infuriated her that he was missing the point. “That never stopped you from trying to comfort me when we were friends. The Old David would’ve come after me.”
His eyes shot open, and he stared at her in silence.
Jane wasn’t holding back. If he wanted her to feel bad, she’d say her feelings too. “He doesn’t sneak into my room when I’m asleep.” She remembered Ryder had said something about that, and she remembered there had been a time she woke and heard her door shut. David came into her room at night, and he never said anything.
He stared at her, not so angry now. “It’s the only time I get to see you. I’m not like him—I can’t tell the coaches I’m leaving. I can’t skip out on the team when everybody is going out. No one expects him to follow the rules, and he’s just that fucking good, that he can do what he wants.” He glared at her. “I’m glad the new coach is stricter, that he found a way to pull him from games. I’m glad he gets to feel the pressure, but the bastard still skips team shit, and no one cares.”
“Is it a requirement?” She lifted her chin, not in the mood to listen to him tear Ryder down.
“Is what a requirement?”
“Team time.
Do you have to go?” That was always the thing with David; he did everything the others expected him to do, no matter if he disliked it. “Do you have to fuck the cheerleaders?”
“I’m a part of the team—I go.” He glared right back. “It’s why the coaches gave me this shot. I’m a team player. And I told you why I was with her. Don’t twist it around.”
“As if it wasn’t twisted enough already,” she said with venom in her words. “But you don’t see it. The David I knew wouldn’t care I pushed him away. He’d still know I was hurt, and he would’ve come to check on me. Something. A hug, a smile. But you just disappear. If Ryder found a way to find me for lunch when I was going to have to eat alone, like I often do, you could have.”
She shook her head, realizing the truth. She wasn’t worth David’s extra efforts. He’d only made the move on her because of Ryder. “You always do what’s right. You always please everyone, do what the guys in charge say. But you never choose you. You never choose me.”
“I’ve always chosen you,” he snapped, his chest rising and falling with every heavy breath he took. “I made mistakes! But we weren’t together.”
“And we’re not together now,” she all but shouted. “It doesn’t change that you left me before, and you were letting me go through it all alone while you kept up your image.” She stared at him, seeing that he’d known how alone she’d been.
He tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling. “I want to be everything for you, Jane. I’ve wanted to be there for you. I’m always thinking about you. I’d rather be with you every second than with the team.” He lowered his head, meeting her eyes again. “But you know why I can’t be. You know why we haven’t been together, and you know you asked for space. I told you he would make a move on you, and I reacted badly, but you still chose him instead of me. You chose him to forget me.”
Maybe he was right, but she couldn’t help but focus on what he said before; her choosing Ryder to help comfort her. He still said ‘can’t’. Not ‘couldn’t’. “What did you expect me to do if you still have no intention of letting it be known we’re together?” She breathed hard, dreading his next words. Deep down she already knew what he’d intended to happen between them.
He stayed so still like he was waiting for her to flee. “You know what we’d have to do.”
She gasped. “You wanted me to be a dirty little secret you come home to after you’re the school’s golden boy?” She shook her head. “I can’t believe you!”
“It’s not like that,” he said harshly. “I’m thinking about you in this. Don’t look at me like I’m expecting you to be a dark secret. I’m protecting you. This has always been about protecting you. You know exactly what would’ve happened if you came back to school after lunch with me and everyone saw your neck.”
“Yeah, you went and made sure I was marked up, didn’t you?” She was hot with rage. “Mark me up but hide from it all, right? So, be a whore but not yours, right?”
His gaze hardened. “That’s not what I’m saying. You’re just saying that because now you’re fine being his whore.”
She marched over and slapped him across the face. “How dare you!”
He kept his head slightly turned, his nostrils flaring. “All I was getting at was that I didn’t mean to leave a mark. I wasn’t trying to send you out like that.”
“Like that’s any better.” She shoved his chest, and he was solid as ever. His hot skin burned her hand and he didn’t even stumble back. “And here I’ve always thought he was the asshole. No, you’re not even my David. That’s why this is so hard. Because I know my David is still there, and instead, you’ve let this asshole in disguise free because you can’t have what you want. You forgot all about me until he made a move. You kept him away, kept me all alone here just so no one would have me. But you sure as hell went and had your fun. Well, I’m done. You really have lost your chance.”
Finally, he turned, glaring down at her. “I never forgot you. I’ll never forget you.” His voice was low, his body trembling like he was going to explode. “But I’ll move on since you’ve made your choice. That way it’s easier for you. That way you don’t feel guilty—like I’ve felt all this time.” He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “Just do one thing for me; check your secret drawer.”
Jane breathed hard, her tears making his handsome face a blurry mess. Her drawer was something they’d found together when he was helping her move her furniture one time. It was part of her dresser, and she hadn’t looked in it in years.
“Don’t let him make you feel like you’re anything less than perfect.” Cupping her face, he bent and kissed her forehead. “Bye, baby.”
Eight
Jane’s frown wouldn’t fade. Her heart wouldn’t stop aching, and her soul wouldn’t stop crying. No matter how she tried to look at the situation, it just got worse. David was done with her, probably not even her friend. Just, stepbrother. And because she was a fool, she’d pushed Ryder away.
She glanced at her phone and it took all her strength not to sob.
We were a mistake.
Don’t contact me anymore.
Ryder Cuteson: Wtf?
Ryder Cuteson: You’re picking him?
No.
Neither of you.
Ryder Cuteson: I’m coming over
Don’t.
Ryder Cuteson: Then give me a damn reason why I can’t even see or call you.
She knew her jerk bad boy wouldn’t walk away from her that easily, so she made sure he would leave and not look back.
Because you’ll never be him.
Sorry for using you as a revenge fuck.
Bye, Ryder.
Jane moved her gaze from her torturous phone to the even more painful revelation she’d found in her secret drawer.
My Jane,
I don’t think you’ll look in here today, but I’m hoping you will eventually find this. Maybe we can keep some part of us the same, at least here. I want you to know something before we start this new path. I won’t be able to do everything I dream about doing with you, but this will always be true. I love you. So much.
You’re my Jane, my baby, my kitten, my love, and in my dreams, you’re my girl. And beyond forever, I’ll be your David.
I’m sorry, baby.
Yours always,
David
Each letter was dated, the first being the day they were told about their parents getting married. The day she’d had all her dreams within reach of being with David.
Then, there was a letter for every single day after that one. He’d written her every little thing about himself. He even told her about him watching her when she wasn’t looking, how he liked that she bit her lips when she was concentrating on something, only because he wanted to kiss her so she’d stop abusing them.
It turned out David was a complete romantic. Everything she remembered about him was still there, and so much more. He was sweet, funny, flirty, and thoughtful. Every choice he made, it traced back to his fears of her being punished or taken away. Things she hadn’t thought of were on his mind—tormenting him—and he based every decision on what he felt was best for her. And his decision to date had been one of his hardest. He truly hated himself, but he did it because he thought it was the best thing for her.
She really had been on his mind, though. He wrote about each girl he went on dates with, and how the entire time he compared them to her. Nothing much happened for a long time, but he pushed himself to be more physical when his feelings for her grew stronger.
David had a lot more experience than she ever thought, but she had no idea a guy could feel so much regret and hatred toward himself for being a guy messing around.
Then he came to Diane. He explained everything, how she approached him, how everyone pressured him about her. He wrote how her being interested helped other girls back off, and it relieved him. He had felt so worn out hating himself and acting like he had an interest in girls who didn’t have Jane’s face, smile, voice, and he
welcomed the reprieve.
But it seemed the break from hating himself allowed all his feelings for her, his stepsister, to get out of control. He said he was hard for her every day. He was jacking off to get rid of his erections, to keep himself from slipping up and revealing the truth to his dad and her mom. To her. He’d known she was holding back on exploring guys, and he knew a lot of guys wanted to date her, but they were afraid of him.
So, he did what he thought would help him let her go. And when he debated how wrong it was, his resolve came to him being a piece of shit for using a girl, for choosing Diane, and that would be enough guilt to prove he deserved none of her love.
All his love for her, all his conflict, rage, and sadness—it was there in the letters, all the way up to that morning.
Dear Jane,
You let me kiss you last night. You let me do a lot more than I ever hoped to with you, and all of it was better than any dream, any fantasy, I’ve had about you. I’ll never forget it. You’re permanently a part of me, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m the luckiest guy this world has ever had, and it’s all because of you.
You knew what I’d done, and you still let me have my heart’s greatest desire. Then it all stopped. My mistakes have cost me everything, and I don’t know what to do, except give you what you’re asking for. Time. And Ryder.
I’ve realized you don’t check this drawer, so I’ll be honest. I know you’re going to go to him. I know you’ll get back at me, and I know he’ll let you use him. The fucked up part is that I don’t blame you, and I want you to hurt me. I deserve to feel the pain that I saw in your eyes last night. But the selfish, possessive side of me won’t be able to handle it, and I’ll be a complete ass to you. He’s always wanted you, Jane. I would say it’s a bad thing, but I think that asshole really loves you.