The Codex: An Angel's Guide To Seducing A Human

by Joe Duck

  “We don't. It’s the dragon, slaughtering the cattle for fun.”

  I thought about the crispy body and the charred ground around it. “Dragons are rational creatures. They don’t kill everything they see.”

  Emily came to a halt and pointed towards the carcass-strewn field next to us. “Then how would you explain all of this?”

  “Maybe it wasn’t the dragon?”

  Emily’s face wrinkled as she walked on ahead. “Right... and you are an oversized pigeon. Come on. I don’t want to be outside when it gets dark.”

  Thrilled that I had changed her misguided view, I smiled and followed her.

  After trekking down the dirt road in silence, a cluster of wooden dwellings came into view with a signpost that read, "Welcome to Greener Pasture." Beyond the helpful sign, glimpses of candlelight escaped from the cracks in the shutters, casting slashes of light on the deserted street.

  “Does the dragon live here?” I asked.

  Emily closed her eyes and sighed. “No. We need to find a place to sleep.”

  Happy to help, I pointed to a field that was relatively free of dead cattle. “How about over there? It looks dry.”

  Emily shuddered, dismissing my reasonable suggestion. She turned towards a two story, wooden building with the words “Singed Beef Inn” etched into the door. Below the sign there were several hurtful words crudely scratched into the wood about the dragon. From inside, faint sounds of conversation along with a delightful smell seeped through. What is this place?

  It’s an inn, the Codex said. A place where humans sleep.

  I scratched my head. Why would they need one big place to sleep?

  Because humans need to get together and combine themselves.

  Combine?

  Well, think of it this way. There is a key and a key hole, and when the two meet, they sometimes jam…

  Emily

  The angel was acting strange again. He nodded to himself, his short, ruffled brown hair rising up and down while his tome hung from his waist, vibrating against his armor every so often. Are all angels like this? “Narius, what are you doing?"

  The idiot jerked his head and stared at me, his hazel eyes visibly confused. “Why do you have a building for opening doors? Why not take the lock out of it all together? Or just have the key already in the door?”

  Unable to comprehend his madness, I opened the door, half-wishing he wasn't following me like a lost puppy.

  Inside, flames struggled on candle stubs, casting shadows across drunken farmers. As expected, the smell of sour wine and rotten beer made my nose crinkle. I stepped into the inn, and nobody even glanced at me, except for a creep in a dark corner, his eyes fixated on my skirt.

  However, as soon as the feathered idiot entered, his plate armor clanking with every step, conversations died, and all eyes turned to us.

  The angel placed his hand on my shoulder. "They’re terrified of you. Smile," Narius said with a dumb grin splitting his face. "Clearly, they didn’t expect a violent and evil—"

  I swiveled around and gently smacked him on the top of his head with my staff. “Quiet.”

  The angel clutched his head and moaned, all the while staring at me with his naïve, innocent eyes.

  I winced and, feeling a bit guilty, turned my attention to the rest of the room where the patrons stared back at me, their eyes wide and mouths stretched open.

  “She must be a witch,” one of the drunks said to his buddy. “What has this world come to? An angel being used as a slave? If I was ten years younger, I'd stand up to that witch."

  His companion chuckled. "Stand up to her? That’s it? Ha! If I didn’t have this... umm... awful cold, I would have struck her down with my massive—"

  I slammed the butt of my staff onto the wooden floor and chilled the air with magic. The candles flickered, casting unsteady shadows everywhere.

  The drunken fool with the supposed cold didn’t seem to notice. Instead, he tipped the tankard in his hand and spilled most of his beer down his shirt. He frowned at his chest with a confused look as he took a sniff. “Did you pee on me, Fredrick?”

  Ignoring his friend, Fredrick kept his eyes on me with beer trickling down his chin. “I bet she enchanted him with her… ummm… sorcery.”

  Is the world filled with idiots?

  Narius placed his hand on my shoulder again and shook his head. “Nothing like that. I just drew her naked body.”

  Heat rose to my face. I turned around to look the petty angel in his eyes. “So this is how it’s going to be?”

  He glanced down at his blue book. “Yes?”

  “Fine,” I muttered, avoiding the gaze of the drunkards leering at me, and stepped up to the bar. A balding middle-aged man in a dirty brown apron busied himself by wiping a mug with an old handkerchief that stained the glass more than cleaned it.

  Narius trailed behind me and gasped in delight at the colorful bottles behind the counter.

  With the angel distracted for the moment, I reached into my pouch and placed four copper coins onto the bar. “Two rooms, please.”

  The innkeeper pushed a pair of rusted iron keys across the bar. “Upstairs.” He slipped the coins into his pocket, his eyes looking me over. “Hey, are you the adventurer sent—"

  Narius leaned across the bar and sniffed at the man. “You smell like a rotting book.”

  Curious, I took a whiff as well. The man did smell a little odd, like an exotic perfume, but nothing rotten. I shook my head and focused on the task at hand. “My name is Emily Bryant from the Silver Lining’s Guild.”

  The man crossed shaky his arms. “It's about time. I issued the contracts weeks ago.” He gave a nervous glance to Narius. “Pannaxx needs to be dealt with before he cooks any more of our cattle.”

  I tapped my finger against the counter. “You know how this works. Do you have the reward?”

  He nodded. “Take care of the damned dragon, and it’s all yours.”

  My lips twitched at the thought of having a pouch full of gold jingle at my side. With it, I would finally be able to pay the guild's debts. “Good. I’ll deal with him tomorrow. For now, send us meals for two.”

  The innkeeper revealed surprisingly clean teeth in a crooked smile. “Anything for a saint and her guardian angel.”

  Narius snickered. “If she's a saint, I am an archangel.”

  I pinched his wing, but he didn’t seem to notice. So, I smiled, suppressing the urge to punch him in the face. Stuffing one of the keys into Narius’s hand and taking the other one for myself, I ignored the rude stares of the patrons and started up the worn steps.

  Instead of following me, Narius studied the key in his hand. “Interesting... now I just need to find a lock. But wait. This is a trade, right? You gave him copper coins, and he gave you the keys?”

  “Yes, Narius. This is called a trade. One of the basic functions of a civilization.”

  He held up the key and brought it up to his face. “So I will need to pay.”

  “Relax, birdy. I already paid.”

  “But I didn’t.” Hooking the key onto the chain that held his book, the angel leaned forward and laid a hand on the innkeeper’s bald spot.

  The color on the man’s face drained away, his eyes shifting between me and the touchy angel. “W-what are you doing, Your Holiness?”

  A burst of light escaped from the angel’s hand. “Paying.”

  Instinctively, I shielded my eyes from the blinding flash. Moments later, it faded away, and my vision returned. I lowered my hands just in time to see Narius back away to reveal a forest of lush brown hair on the innkeeper's head where a barren wasteland existed only seconds ago.

  The man ran his fingers through his hair several times. He fell to his knees with tears and mucus running down his face. “Praise the gods! I’m handsome again.”

  Narius shook his head. “I am afraid my power cannot heal that much.”

  Unfazed by the angel’s veiled insult, the man wiped his face with the back of his sleeve. �
��Thank you! Thank you for giving me a second chance at life! I promise I’ll take good care of them this time. I will never have hot baths or wear hats!”

  I took a step towards the angel, to take him away, but in a blink of an eye, the rest of the villagers had joined in on the worship, rushing towards the angel with glee in their eyes, some stripping off their clothes and showing various body parts that ailed them. Among them was another bald man who clutched his head with tears in his eyes. “Touch me next!”

  Pushed aside by the mob, I sat on the dusty staircase and sighed. This is going to take a while.

  Narius

  After spending time with the humans who were delighted by my ability to grow hair, fix rotting teeth, and heal sore backs, I was getting a little tired with the never-ending requests. Still, it felt good to help them.

  I touched the next human in line, a young woman with a face populated by pimples, and healed her until only smooth skin remained. "Do you need anything else —"

  "That's enough." Emily grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the humans who grumbled their displeasure at her.

  I wanted to protest, but before I had the chance, she dragged me upstairs and into a dark room that smelled like a bookshelf full of moldy books. The violent human slammed the door shut behind her and muttered a spell, causing the orb of her staff to emit a steady light that illuminated the whole room.

  Everything in the room was fascinating, from the small window bringing in the moonlight, to the wooden table with a pair of quaint but rickety chairs in one corner, to the lumpy-looking brown bed with yellow-stained bed sheets. They were all so simple in design and poorly built. Wait. Where are all the books? I don't remember seeing a library downstairs.

  Books? You are alone in a room with a girl! Think about all the fun games—

  Emily shoved me against the wall. She glared up at me, her face was so close to mine, and a scent of mint wafted from her body. “What do you think you were doing down there?”

  “Touching people?”

  She jabbed her finger at my chest. “Exactly. I don’t know how easily angels tire after using a spell, but you look exhausted. If you want to touch them that badly, you can come back after dealing with Pannaxx and heal them.”

  “They were hurt and needed my help. You don't have to be so cold.”

  Emily backed away. She walked over to the table and leaned her staff against it before turning to me. With her hands on her hips, she frowned. “Cold?”

  “Some of them were in pain. Maybe if you weren’t so mean-spirited—"

  Her lips twitched. “’Mean-spirited?’ I’m the kindest person in all of Lodina. Both the capital city and the kingdom.”

  “Pfft. Then Tristana’s flock has clearly failed at teaching you about their virtues.” I shrugged. “Only an evil human would hunt down other creatures for a reward.”

  Emily smacked me in the head with her hand, proving my point.

  I grasped my head and moaned in pain, wishing I had worn a helmet.

  “The only thing that’s evil is the dumb beast roasting half the cattle and leaving them to rot, and if I fail, the people here are going to be at the mercy of a barbeque-crazed dragon!”

  “Dragons are intelligent creatures. They don’t terrorize humans for fun. In fact—"

  Someone rapped against the aged wooden planks of the door.

  Giving Emily a glare, I opened the door and found a tray on the floor filled with steaming food.

  Unsure of what I should do, I lifted the tray and laid it on the table then sat down on the chair that creaked under my weight. “I still think you humans are overreacting. Dragons aren't violent like you.”

  Emily glowered. Clenching her hands, she sat down in the chair across the table.

  Avoiding her gaze, I studied the objects on the tray. With no idea what they were, I opened the Codex and ended up on a page that identified the dishes in front of me as roasted tuna, tomato soup, and a loaf of brown bread. “So, what are we supposed to do with these?”

  Emily picked up bowl next to the wooden spoons. “Eat it.” Then, without another word, she began devouring the meal by bringing the clay bowl to her lips and slurping like a hungry gnome.

  Figuring she knew what she was doing, I summoned a quill to start sketching the food and the creature consuming it.

  By the time I had successfully captured the essence of the decapitated tuna into the drawing, Emily had stopped feasting. She glanced at the food then at me.

  “You know, I don’t think I can finish all of this,” she said, admitting defeat.

  Closing the book, I nodded in agreement. “Then you won’t be finishing it.”

  Emily wagged a small knife with a piece of tuna impaled on it. “Aren’t you hungry?”

  My stomach growled in response, and I set the Codex on the table. “I suppose I could eat.” Picking up a spare spoon, I whispered the words of summoning. Moments later, a chunk of manna the size of my hand materialized above the table and landed with a splat.

  The human frowned. “What is that? Some sort of blue pudding?”

  I took a bite, enjoying the tranquil taste that reminded me of home. “It’s manna,” I mumbled between bites.

  Emily leaned forward and squinted. “Manna?”

  “Strange… you don't know what manna is? I thought humans loved our food.” Ready to impress her, I took the spoon and sliced a portion of the manna onto her dish.

  The human eyed the piece and poked it with a spoon before sniffing. “Can I eat this?”

  “Yes. It’s very clean. In fact, it has many other uses.”

  “Like what? Coloring walls?”

  “No. For washing them.”

  Emily looked up at me with an eyebrow raised. She probed the jelly again then plunged the spoon into the manna, brought it to her mouth, and chewed.

  I patiently waited for her cries of enlightenment.

  They never came. Instead, Emily turned pale and pushed the plate away.

  I tilted my head. “Something wrong?”

  She responded by gagging then spat, sending several pieces of manna flying out of her mouth and splattering onto the table. “It tastes like troll’s milk! How do you eat this stuff?”

  I snorted at her inability to appreciate fine cuisine. “Right… because human food tastes so good.” To better prove my point, I skewered a piece of the tuna with a fork and nibbled, expecting the dead flesh to be repulsive.

  A shiver ran through my body. My hands clenched together, and I squirmed as heavenly flavors exploded in my mouth.

  Tears snuck down my face, and I wiped them away before Emily could notice. “This is a trick. Nothing can taste this good.”

  The human smiled smugly. “Oh? What was that about your disgusting jelly tasting better?”

  “I… I’ve had better,” I said, taking another bite to prove her wrong, only for the fish to melt away as my teeth quickly ground away at it. Trying not to show my feelings, I stared at the deceptive food. “As… as I was saying, we have—"

  “You’re drooling.”

  I grimaced and wiped the bit of saliva that had somehow escaped my mouth. Desperate to prove the inferiority of their cooking, I consumed more of the food, sampling the soup and the bread. They tasted fantastic.

  And before long, I finished everything on the tray and leaned back against the chair to rest. I tried to be strong, but a low moan escaped my lips as a tremor passed through my stomach.

  Emily shook my shoulder with concern drawn on her face. “Are you all right?”

  I groaned and put my hands on my swollen belly that felt strangely heavy. “It was… good.”

  The human laughed. “You should try the food in the cities. It’s even better.”

  I blinked, unable to imagine anything better. “You mean this wasn’t the finest human cooking in history?”

  Emily smiled. With the tomato soup smudged around her mouth, she looked like a bloodsucker. “You should eat a cow. They are a delight.”


  “Huh? Nothing could be better than this.”

  She wagged her finger and chuckled. “A lot of people agree that meat tastes better than fish.”

  I tried to imagine anything that could out do what I had eaten, but for once my imagination failed me, and a disturbing question came to mind. “But if cows taste better, why did they give me fish?” I glanced at the door. “Did I insult them somehow? Should I apologize?”

  “Relax, Narius. It’s probably the opposite. They are doing their best to please you,” Emily said, thrusting her fork into the bony carcass of the fish like a buzzard. “Fresh fish is the most luxurious food they have here because of its rarity. So they gave you what they thought was their best.”

  I scratched my head. “So, something is better if there aren't any nearby?”

  “Sort of, but also because they need to transport it quickly to keep it fresh and edible.”

  “Then why did you not like my manna? It’s always as fresh as it can get.”

  Emily’s lips twitched, and her eyes squinted. “Because no matter what you do, rotten goo still tastes rotten. As for the fish, they are a delicacy because it’s difficult to bring them this far inland without having them dried and salted, especially if there are no sizable rivers or lakes nearby. In fact, fresh seafood costs about ten times more in these parts than in the coastal regions.”

  Encouraged by my initial interest, she rambled on about the various types of fish and what was involved in catching and preserving them. I listened attentively at first, but I soon grew bored as she talked about how hard and time consuming it was for magicians to use magic to preserve them in ice. Eventually, I tuned out her droning voice and studied the stained ceiling, reminiscing about the incredible meal I’d just eaten.

  “…back when I was in Lodina, during the last harvest festival, our guild—"

  I broke from my trance and wiped off a bit of saliva that had leaked from my mouth. “Guild? You mentioned something like that before.”

  Emily, with a smug look on her face, laid her hand on her chest. “I'm a member of the Silver Lining Adventurer's Guild, in the capital. Maybe you’ve heard of us?”