This House Is Not for Sale

by E. C. Osondu

—In life some people choose before they are born between wealth and children—

  —And why does one need to choose when it is possible to be blessed with both—

  —Her relatives will share all her stuff when she is gone. They will even sell that castle of peace mansion—

  Nobody knows whose idea it was, but between both of them it was agreed that Janet should marry Baby. She would also become the father of the child that was in Baby’s womb when the child was born. Baby would live with her and would meet as many men as she wanted to, but any child she had in the process would be Janet’s child.

  There was some talk that money had changed hands. There was talk of the unborn baby having a price tag, but since no one was there when Janet and Grandpa met, these were mere rumors.

  Though they were both women and this was said not to be a common practice, it was known to happen. Though we were not told this, a woman could marry another woman. Baby would live under Janet’s roof and cook and wash and take care of Janet as a wife would. Baby was free to pick any man she wanted. The baby born out of such a relationship would belong to Janet. It was going to be a big event. Janet was the husband to be and was going to pay for food, music, and drinks.

  On the street people whispered about the strange wedding of Baby to another woman.

  —It has never happened before for a woman to marry another, some said. The world is coming to an end, strange things are happening—

  —Surely, the world is coming to an end—

  —Oh it has. It used to be quite commonplace but that was in the olden days—

  —They are doing this to her because she behaves like someone that fell off the train. This is what they usually do with people like her—

  —So much evil goes on in that house—

  —I think they are helping her, otherwise who else is going to marry her—

  Baby began to be treated with a lot of generosity and kindness. People in the house were warned to stop addressing her as Baby and start calling her by her new name, Patience. How the name was arrived at, nobody knew. It was not a baptismal name, but all agreed that patience was a virtue and that Baby had lots of it and would need tons of patience in her new role. She was given the choicest portions of food. She got some new nice clothes. She was encouraged to take a walk around the neighborhood to show off her new clothes and her new look. As she walked around on her stroll people congratulated her on her forthcoming wedding. Her response to every comment was a sheepish smile. Behind her back people whispered.

  —If they had a chance in that house, they would turn human beings into goats just so they can sell them off for profit—

  —That is the kind of house that sold people into slavery in days gone by—

  —What do you mean in days gone by? How is what they are doing these days different from slavery?—

  —She is even lucky. She may likely have an easier life with Janet than she has had in that evil house—

  —So she is to have no choice; any man that comes she opens her legs—

  —Not really. Some choose to settle for one man, have all their children through the one man so the children don’t look too different from each other—

  —That Baby that laughs at everything. She is never going to be able to choose. She’ll accept whatever is thrown at her—

  The event was planned to be grand. Baby was taken to the market to shop for new clothes. She was taken to have her hair braided in a beautiful style. She was encouraged to invite her friends, but alas poor Baby had no friends. It was the first time that the whole street was invited to a party in the Family House. Janet invited her fellow traders. It was assumed by some of them that a relative of hers was getting married.

  It was during the dry season and everywhere was hot. Sheds were built. Big red-and-blue metal drums were filled with cold water, and drinks were packed into the water to keep them cool. Women were hired to fry beef and cook jollof rice and moin-moin.

  —Not even for a proper marriage between man and woman have I seen such preparation—

  —So much food being cooked, so many drinks being cooled—

  —I heard they slaughtered two cows and countless chickens—

  —I don’t blame the woman, though. It is a terrible thing to come to this world and leave empty-handed with no one to answer your name when you are gone—

  —But what about the poor girl? It is almost as if they are selling her off—

  —It is not just her they are selling off, they are selling off the unborn baby as well—

  —Well, as for me, I have never been known to reject free food—

  —Me neither, not when they have free drinks thrown in as well—

  —Be very careful what you eat in that house—

  —Why, it is food cooked for the public? Don’t tell me you think they’ll poison everybody?—

  —There are things worse than poison. And poison may be even better, because it kills you and that is the end—

  —So what is worse than poison, eh, tell me?—

  —What if after eating you turn to mumu, a doddering fool?—

  —Mumu for what? For eating jollof and chicken?—

  —Why do you think they are able to keep all the people who work for them acting like mumu?—

  —Ah, one has to be careful, I tell you—

  —Once it has gone into the mouth and the stomach, it is not coming out again and the damage is already done—

  —I don’t think they are that totally gone to try to turn all the invited guests to mumu—

  —I think at worst you can call it appeasement. They are using the food as sara—

  —Which wouldn’t be a bad thing. They need forgiveness for all they have done—

  There was not much to the ceremony. The only major thing done was that drink was poured into a glass cup. Baby was expected to look around at the invited guests and give the drink to her husband. She had been warned ahead of time not to embarrass the guests by giving the drink to Janet. She knelt down and gave the drink to a young man seated next to Janet who was also dressed in white. The young man took a sip and handed the glass back to her and she drank. A large box was handed to Grandpa’s representatives. Some said it was filled with money, some said gifts. That was the end of the ceremony, now guests could go outside to eat and drink their fill. When Baby said she had a headache and was going inside to rest, people said it was not surprising. Her new hairstyle must have given her a headache. She should wash her face with cold water and rest for a while.

  People ate and drank and some even took some food home in plastic bags. Many who attended invited those they met on the way.

  —They are still serving food. No discrimination, everyone who shows up gets served—

  The plan was that on the next day, Baby would be taken to her new husband’s house. This would be done quietly and not with the usual fanfare that would accompany someone moving into a man’s house. This would have required singing and dancing and another round of feasting.

  Everyone on the street woke up to hear that Baby was gone. The bride had disappeared. She left. Who had seen her? Apparently at some point that night Baby had disappeared from the Family House without taking anything with her. She had left no trace or clues behind. She had confided in no one. This was strange, that she had planned and executed her escape. Even though she was considered to be feeble-brained by all, it was a surprise. Coupled with the fact that the walls in the Family House were known by all to have cavernous ears.

  —That boy from the neighboring country who owns the pregnancy must have come for her—

  —And you won’t believe this but she was all smiles yesterday, nobody knew what she was planning—

  —Is there a time that she doesn’t smile?—

  —She must have decided not to exchange a harsh master for a harsh madam—

  —Who knows? It may all be their plan. You know how they are in that house—

  —So what is going to happen to all the money t
he woman spent on the ceremony?—

  —What about the gifts and the box filled with money that she gave to them?—

  —What about the things you can’t see, like the shame she is going to suffer at the hands of her fellow traders?—

  —Some people are destined not to have children. That is her destiny. She cannot wash it away no matter how much she tries—

  —It is not an easy destiny to live with—

  —Is this not the reason why it is called destiny? Good or bad, you have to accept it because destiny can never be changed—

  —One thing I know was that the food was great and nobody is going to ask me to return what has already settled finely in my stomach—

  —Mine has already been converted to proteins and vitamins in my body—

  —As for me, all I can say is it serves them right. What kind of abomination is that? A woman being given in marriage to another woman—

  It would be assumed that this would be the last we’d hear about Baby but it wasn’t. Baby came back one day a few months later. Her skin scratched and with scabs in places. Her hair matted. Those who first saw her said she looked like a madwoman. Some said she looked like someone who had returned from the dead. And the story she told was that she had indeed come back from the dead.

  Baby said that on the night of her wedding ceremony she had gone to the bathroom in order to wash her face to see if her headache would ease but discovered the bathroom was occupied, so she decided to take a bowl of water and go wash her face in the backyard. She said she scooped the water with her hands and was about to splash some on her face when she felt a hand tap her on the shoulder and a voice said follow me. This was the last thing she recalled. She said the next place she found herself was in a mud hut deep in the forest along with some other men and women. As she came to in the hut, a tall, dark giant handed her a piece of red cotton cloth and told her to undress and tie the cloth around her chest. The people around her were cowering, very scared, some were sweating, a few were muttering prayers or incantations, but she couldn’t be sure. She heard someone say that they had been kidnapped and that they were going to be used for money rituals by having their heads cut off and their eyes gouged out and their breasts cut off. It was dark, they were all standing, at intervals the door of the hut would burst open and the giant with the lantern would come and grab someone and take them outside, never to return. And so Baby slept standing, waiting for them to come and grab her. Her headache was completely forgotten.

  The next night the giant came for Baby. She had been given nothing to eat since her capture but she didn’t feel hungry. They took her to another hut. There was a giant carved potbellied statue covered with blood. There was a juju priest with a fly whisk. He touched Baby’s head with the whisk. Baby shuddered more out of the fact that the whisk felt ticklish. He touched her breasts; he touched her belly and jumped back.

  “Why did you bring this one to me? Can’t you see she is already with child? And besides she is incomplete. She is not a complete human being. Take her away from here and get me a complete human being.”

  Baby was taken away. When she got back to the hut, those who were standing in the hut touched her and asked her, What happened? How come you came back? Why did they bring you back? And they shrank back as they asked her these questions because none who left had ever returned.

  She did not know how long she stayed in that hut. She couldn’t quite recall if she ate or drank. All she remembered was that one day they released her. She was taken a ways from the hut by the giant and after walking some distance in the forest was given a shove on the head and told to move along and not to look back and never to come back.

  She said she wandered in the forest for a long time. When asked how long she wandered in the forest she would say for a long time. Numbers had never been her strong suit. Eventually she ran into a hunter who asked her what she was searching for so deep in the forest and she responded that she was lost. When asked where she came from, she responded that she lived in the Family House. The hunter said he knew where the Family House was and brought her back home. She was asked where the hunter was so that he could be thanked for saving her life but she said the hunter had simply dropped her off and left.

  —Have you heard the story the bride who scampered on her wedding night is telling?—

  —She says she was captured and kidnapped by ritual killers but had managed to escape. She told another person that the ritual killers let her go because only people who had all their faculties intact could be used for rituals. She was rejected by the gods—

  —She had to come up with a story that would be more fantastic than a woman marrying another woman—

  —She sometimes acts as if she is not complete, not all there, she is not the type that would make up stories—

  —Why, but she was smart enough to escape on the night of her marriage—

  —Don’t be fooled, I know her type. She at least knows where to put it when she is doing the thing with a man, or does she put it in her nose?—

  —We have heard of some people putting it in places more peculiar than the ears. And in that house too—

  When Baby was asked what happened to the baby in her womb she said she didn’t know. At what point did she notice the pregnancy was no longer there? she was asked.

  “One day the pregnancy was there and then the next day I looked at my belly and the pregnancy was no longer there.”

  Baby had gone back to being her old inarticulate self, who talked like someone who fell off the train.

  There was talk of meeting with Janet and returning her gifts and money to her, but Janet sent word that they could keep it. She said she was happy that the marriage hadn’t worked out and that she was sure Baby would have given birth to children that were not complete human beings, since she was not a complete human being herself.

  OLUKA

  Of all the things that were said about the house, this was the one thing that was considered the factor that led to its fall—the death of a child. No one could say for sure that they saw it happen but it was like the smoke before the fire. As the saying goes—the owl cried last night and the child died in the morning, who can deny that the owl had a hand in the child’s demise?

  Quite a few people are of the view that this was the worst thing that had ever happened not only on the street or in the country, but the worst thing that had ever happened anywhere since the world was created, in fact in the history of mankind on this good earth.

  Uncle Oluka was one of Grandpa’s older sons. He was quite successful and had his hand in many businesses, including a block-making factory. He was married to a very beautiful lady we all called Miss because she was a schoolteacher by profession. Miss did not have a child. When we were brought to the Family House over the long summer holidays, Uncle Oluka and Miss would come around too, but since they had no children of their own to leave behind in the Family House, a certain silence and quietness seemed to follow them around. Yet Miss was very generous and loved children. She always had a gift for all the kids in the house, a piece of candy here, a coloring book there, a stick of red chalk. What I remember most about her was that she left a faint trace of her cologne on everything she touched. Her cologne smelled like carnations.

  Still there were those who did not want to see any goodness in her kindness. They said spiteful things behind her back and even within her earshot.

  —How can two men be living in the same house? A woman that cannot bear children is no better than a barren fruit tree. What do you do to a barren fruit tree? You cut it down with an ax and use its wood for firewood—

  —Why is the man struggling to acquire all that wealth? Who is he going to leave it to when he dies? Why work so hard when you have no heir to inherit all the wealth you’ll leave behind you when you die—

  —You know what they do in my place to such women? They send them packing; they throw their stuff outside the house and sweep away their footprints with a broom so that they can ta
ke their aridness along with them—

  —Don’t forget she is someone’s daughter? It is not her fault—

  —Are we not saying the same thing? She is someone’s daughter; that is the main reason we are asking that she in turn should be someone’s mother. The same way her mother gave birth to her is the same way she should give birth to someone too—

  —But that is not even the worst thing about this whole shameful story. The most shameful part of it is that she has never had a miscarriage, not even one, so we can say she tried but it is not her fault or that she is going to have another one—

  —And the poor husband always makes his own clothes from the same fabric as his wife. Is it “and co” they call it, or is it “me and my wife,” I have forgotten the name—

  —Ah, you people, God will judge you people one day—

  And then Miss became pregnant. For a long time she had not been to the Family House, and when she turned up, she was many months gone and her belly was protruding heavily.

  Soon, the story was all over the street and the same tongues who had excoriated her could not say enough good things about her patience and how her pregnancy was a testimony to God’s everlasting faithfulness and mercy and kindness.

  —God is not sleeping—

  —It would have been a grave injustice on the part of nature for them not to have children. Such a beautiful couple. They are made to produce beautiful children—

  —She loves children too. She always distributes sweets and biscuits to all the children on the street. You know God listens to the unspoken prayers of children because they are so innocent—

  —Not only that, unborn children select kind couples to have as parents. Children oftentimes choose the homes they want to be born into—

  —But you have to give it to the husband too. He is a real upright guy. All these years he withstood the pressure to marry a second wife, not once did he consider throwing her out of the house. People talked a lot and called her all sorts of names—

  —It is the way of the world. No matter what you do, people must talk. Have lots of children, they’ll say uncountable children, uncountable troubles. Have none, they’ll say you are selfish. No matter what you do, people must talk; it is the way of the world—