Unscrolled : 54 Writers and Artists Wrestle With the Torah (9780761178743)

by Bennett, Roger (EDT)

  Over the last two thousand years, while the global population has increased thirtyfold, the Jewish population has merely doubled. If the Cohens had managed to keep pace with the Joneses, there’d be 200 million Jews in the world today—more Jews than Brazilians. Many of the numbers missing from our bottom line were deducted by Hitler, Cossacks, and overzealous popes. But many more of the missing Jews vanished not in pogroms or gas chambers, but—as many a well-heeled Jewish philanthropist will tell you—simply disappeared into the background. They took the path first cut by Esau in Tol’dot, married out, and joined the nations.

  Isaac was not blind to any of this. In fact, he was not really blind at all. When Jacob came to him, cloaked in his brother’s musky cologne, Isaac knew exactly who he was not. He knew that Jacob—forty years old, and still his mother’s marionette—had been prepped for duplicity by Rebekah. How could he mistake that nasally voice? Or pretend those hairy arms felt anything like real hairy arms? And yet he played along with the ruse, and blessed the child who had no right. When Esau returned and asked for what was rightfully his, Isaac feigned outrage at Jacob’s trickery. But he did not, it should be noted, undo what had been done. He knew he’d made no mistake. Instead, he made clear the one condition for Jacob winning his father’s favor: “Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.”

  Esau, for his part, sulked off in a huff, and did the one thing he knew could still piss off his parents. He went and took yet another wife. This time an Ishmaelite.

  “He came upon a certain place and stopped there for the night, for the sun had set. Taking one of the stones out of that place, he put it under his head and lay down in that place.” —Genesis 28:11

  VA-YETZEI (“And he left”)

  Genesis 28:10–32:3

  Best dream ever: Jacob sets out for his uncle Laban’s camp in Haran. Once the sun sets, he stops for the night, putting his head on a stone to sleep. In his slumber, he dreams of a staircase reaching up to the sky with angels scurrying up and down it. God appears and declares that Jacob’s descendants will be as numerous as the dust of the earth and will ultimately cover the world, savoring the honor of having their name invoked as a blessing. Jacob is also reassured that God will always protect him; his safe return to Canaan is a certainty.

  When he wakes up, the realization of the godly interaction shakes Jacob to his core. To commemorate the event, he turns the stone upright and pours oil on it, renaming the spot Bethel (“House of God”).

  Jacob then swears that if God will stay with him and protect him as he makes his way on the journey, he will dedicate himself to God.

  Love on the rock

  Jacob journeys until he encounters a well covered by a large rock. The locals inform him that the rock is typically removed after all of their flocks have arrived and are ready to drink. Once Rachel, Laban’s daughter, approaches the well, Jacob ignores local custom and rolls the rock aside to give her flock water himself. He kisses Rachel, weeps, and reveals their family connection. Rachel wastes no time before taking him to meet her father, who hugs and kisses Jacob and brings him home.

  Bait and switch

  A month passes. Jacob has begun working for his uncle, who is eager to legitimize the relationship; he asks his nephew to name his wages. Jacob offers to work for seven years in return for the hand of Rachel, the beauty he first encountered at the well. Laban agrees. Jacob toils for seven years, but the time feels like days because of the depth of his love. Laban prepares the wedding, but then cruelly tricks Jacob by sending his older daughter, Leah, who has “weak eyes,” to marry him instead. When Jacob confronts his uncle, Laban points to the local custom of ensuring that an older sister marries before the younger.

  Baby wars

  Jacob agrees to work an additional seven years for Rachel’s hand. They marry, but Rachel is barren. Leah is not: She bears a son, Reuben, which means both “God has seen my affliction” and “now my husband will love me.” She proceeds to produce three more sons: Simeon, Levi, and Judah.

  Wracked by envy, Rachel tells Jacob she wants to have children or die, a statement that enrages Jacob, who explains that he does not have God’s power and that it is God who has made her barren. Rachel suggests that Jacob have a baby with her servant, Bilhah. The servant becomes pregnant and bears two sons, Dan and Naphtali. Leah and Rachel become locked in competition, using their maids as surrogates to bear children by Jacob. In the meantime, Leah also produces two more sons and a daughter, Dinah.

  God finally intervenes, opening Rachel’s womb so that she can conceive. Once she gives birth to a son, she admits that God has removed her feeling of disgrace, and names the boy Joseph, which means “May God add another son for me.”

  The great escape

  After Joseph’s birth, Jacob asks Laban to allow him to leave and return to his homeland, but Laban enjoys having Jacob around—he feels vicariously blessed by God’s fortune and offers to pay his son-in-law any amount to stay. Jacob negotiates the right to take every speckled or spotted animal from his uncle’s flock—the animals that are quickly identifiable and easy to separate.

  Once they have struck a deal, the crafty Laban removes all his spotted animals and then travels three days away from Jacob. Jacob counters by manipulating the flock’s mating patterns, so that many strong yet streaked animals are born, whereas the weaker ones all have solid coats. Laban’s flock becomes feeble; Jacob becomes rich.

  Laban’s sons believe Jacob has taken advantage of their father to build his fortune illegitimately, and Jacob senses a change in Laban’s mood. So, when God suggests he return to his homeland, the shepherd asks his wives to leave with him. After he reminds them of how Laban cheated him, and assures them that God will watch over their family, Rachel and Leah agree to follow the Lord’s command.

  Jacob puts his family on camels and drives his livestock toward Isaac’s home in Canaan. (Rachel has cheekily stolen her father’s idols before leaving.) It takes three days for Laban to discover his daughters have fled, but he sets off in pursuit, managing to catch them within a week, even though God appears to him in a dream and warns him off.

  Laban demands to know why Jacob has felt the need to flee under the cover of secrecy, claiming he would have celebrated their departure in style. He also admits that God has threatened him in a dream; still, he wants to know why Jacob has stolen his idols.

  Jacob reveals his reasons: He cloaked his departure in secrecy because he did not believe Laban would permit Leah and Rachel to leave. Neither man is aware that Rachel stole the idols, and Jacob suggests that Laban is within his right to search for them and to kill whoever possesses them.

  Laban undertakes a thorough search, but Rachel has hidden the carvings under her camel saddle and refuses to rise from it. Laban comes up empty-handed. Now it is Jacob’s turn to be furious: Why, he asks his father-in-law, has he chosen to pursue them after the twenty hardworking years of service Jacob has provided? And, while he’s at it, he tells Laban that he knew about the flock shenanigans; if it hadn’t been for God’s intervention, Jacob’s family could have been left with nothing.

  Laban retorts that the women are his daughters, the grandchildren his, and the flocks his, but he offers to make peace. The men make a mound out of stones and have a meal together. Laban agrees to separate and asks God to look over them, warning Jacob not to ill-treat his daughters. Jacob agrees and offers a sacrifice.

  The next morning Laban kisses his daughters and grandchildren good-bye and heads home. Jacob continues his journey, encountering angels along the way.

  Adam Mansbach

  28:11 He came to a certain place, and stayed there all night, because the sun had set. He took one of the stones of the place, and put it under his head, and lay down in that place to sleep.

  Who the f**k uses a stone as a pillow? “Hmm, lemme see, there’s gotta be some crap around here I can use to rectify the appalling softness of the groun
d.” I can only conclude that this muf**ker was extremely drunk, which is what I would be nonstop if I lived back in these sheepherding-ass times.

  28:19 He named the site Bethel; but previously the city had been named Luz.

  How come everybody in here is drunkenly renaming everything all the time? I might have to bring that one back. “Yeah, I gotta go to Moozugabaloo tomorrow for this conference. What? Oh, yeah, it used to be called Cleveland. I changed that crap. Act like you know.”

  29:4 Jacob said to them, “My relatives, where are you from?” They said, “We are from Haran.”

  This is really just a matter of syntax, and I hate to be a dick about it, but this reads like homeboy is having a conversation with the sheep, because no human beings are ever introduced. I hope somebody got smote (smited? I’m pretty sure it’s not smitten) for this translation right here. Come on, son. Then again, talking sheep would not be the least plausible thing in here, so who the f**k knows?

  29:18 Jacob loved Rachel; so he responded, “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel.”

  Yo, I gotta say I lost a little bit of respect for my man Jacob right here. Dude fell for the okey-doke real hard. I know this is back in the day and all, but you don’t have to be a rocket surgeon to know how the game is played: First you get the paper, then you use the paper to buy the girl. You don’t just work for the girl, on some layaway-plan crap. No doubt in my mind—as soon as Jacob went for that, Laban was like, This dude is funny-style, and I’ma play him like an all-day sucker.

  29:30 He went in also to Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.

  That said, I still gotta give Laban props for really taking the art of disrespect to the next level right here. I mean, come on—you gotta be some type of diabolical genius to stand in front of a man who just worked for you for seven long years and explain to him that yeah, he just spent the night losing his virginity (I assume) to the wack sister of the girl he’s in love with, but it’s all good, he can have the other one, too . . . if he puts in another seven years. Ninety-nine out of a hundred muf**kers would mash Laban dead in the facepiece at this point, but old man Laban? He knows Jacob is that one percenter. Dude probably didn’t even sleep the night before, just lay there in his bed cackling and rubbing his hands together in gleeful anticipation. On another note—the f**k is wrong with Leah? She couldn’t have said something?

  29:31 The Lord saw that Leah was unloved and he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren.

  On a narrative level, I like how crap speeds up here, and we glide right over what has got to be a good three years, minimum—and that’s if Jacob has been reimpregnating Leah like five minutes after she gives birth, every time—in fewer words than it took the dude to talk to those sheep earlier. Nonetheless, this chapter is still mad boring.

  30:4 She gave him her maid Bilhah as a wife, and Jacob bedded her.

  Now we’re getting into that ill Margaret Atwood Handmaid’s Tale territory. This semi-famous actress I know is trying to option the rights to that book and star in it because, and this is an actual quote, “I look really good in a bonnet.” Which, to be fair, is a way better reason than most reasons that movies get made these days.

  30:6–8 And Rachel said, “God has vindicated me; He has heard my plea and given me a son.” So she named him Dan. Rachel’s maid Bilhah conceived again and bore Jacob a second son. And Rachel said, “I waged a competition with my sister; yes, and I have prevailed.” So she named him Naphtali.

  The notion of having one son named Dan and another named Naphtali reminds me of mad kids I grew up with whose families had, in the seventies, been really Afrocentric, and then, in the eighties, kind of moved on. But continued to have kids. So the kids would be named, like, Chiwale, Rukiya, and Tommy.

  30:14–15 At the time of the wheat harvest, Reuben came upon some mandrakes in the field and brought them to his mother, Leah. Rachel said to Leah, “Please give me some of your son’s mandrakes.” But she said to her, “Wasn’t it enough that you took away my husband, that you would also take my son’s mandrakes?” Rachel responded, “I promise, he shall lie with you tonight, in return for your son’s mandrakes.”

  For the last little while, Jacob has quite likely been feeling himself a lil’ bit. He’s probably thinking that sure, he might’ve fallen in shit, but he still came up smelling like roses. Not only does he have two wives, but he’s also got f**king various concubines, and there are all types of kids running around, and soon some of them will probably be old enough to hold it down in the fields, and then Jacob can semi-retire. Right here is where Jacob realizes that, as usual, he is very much mistaken. When people are saying stuff to you like “You are to sleep with me, for I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes,” you can be pretty sure that you’re still no goddamn alpha male.

  30:34–35 Laban said, “Behold, I desire it to be according to your word.” That day, he removed the male goats that were streaked and spotted, and all the female goats that were speckled and spotted, every one that had white in it, and all the black ones among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

  At some point, you gotta just accept defeat, like, Okay, this dude is smarter and more devious than me, and every time I do business with him, I get hoodwinked into doing years of manual labor, or snookered into marrying some weak-eyed broad, so let me stop trying to match wits with him and just hit him with a rock-pillow or whatever. But no. Jacob wants some sheep. Laban says sure, take all the spotted ones. Then he (Laban) takes all the spotted ones and bounces. I’m beginning to wonder why this muf**ker isn’t a major figure in this religion. Dude is nice with his con game.

  “Meanwhile Jacob’s sons, having heard the news, came in from the field. The men were distressed and very angry because he had committed an outrage in Israel by lying with Jacob’s daughter—a thing not to be done.” —Genesis 34:7

  VA-YISHLAH (“And he sent”)

  Genesis 32:4–36:43

  Jacob dispatches messengers to his brother, Esau, to gauge is mood. Their report is not good: Esau is headed toward Jacob with an army of four hundred men. Rattled by the news, Jacob divides his household into two camps to make them less vulnerable and begins to pray to God, revealing a fear that his whole household might be killed.

  The next day Jacob rounds up select goats, ewes, rams, cows, camels, bulls, and asses to offer as a generous gift to Esau. He instructs his staff to drive them toward Esau in separate groups. When each encounters Esau, he is to be informed that the animals are a present from “his servant Jacob.” Jacob’s plan is to shower his brother with gifts and calm him with kindness.

  While his servants drive the animals toward Esau, Jacob takes his wives and sons across the river with his possessions and returns alone. A “man” suddenly wrestles with him through the night. As dawn approaches, the “man” strains Jacob’s hip at its socket and demands to be released from his grip, but Jacob insists on receiving a blessing first. The “man” asks Jacob for his name and upon learning it, informs him that from now on he will be known as Israel. Jacob wants to know his adversary’s name, but the “man” tells him not to ask and then disappears. Jacob names the place Peniel, meaning “I have seen a divine force face-to-face and survived.”

  Looking up, Jacob sees Esau approaching with his posse of four hundred men. He splits up his maids, wives, and children, making sure Rachel and Joseph are at the rear, and then approaches Esau alone, bowing low to the ground as his brother nears. But he should not have worried. Esau runs toward him with hugs and kisses. The two split up and proceed on their journeys at their own pace.

  The rape of Dinah

  After Shechem, a local prince, rapes Jacob and Leah’s daughter, Dinah, he takes such a liking to her that he asks his father, Hamor, to arrange a marriage. Jacob knows what has happened, but waits to take action until his sons return from herding their cattle. No surprise: They a
re as furious as their father.

  Hamor asks Jacob’s family for Dinah’s hand; to reciprocate, he will give his daughters for marriage. Additionally, Shechem asks them to name whatever price they want for Dinah. Jacob’s family denies the request, saying that Shechem can take Dinah’s hand only if he is circumcised. So besotted is he with Dinah that he and his father agree, running to the town square and giddily telling their followers to prepare themselves to undergo the painful procedure. The upside is clear: If Dinah marries the prince, Jacob and all of his riches will become part of their community. All of the males agree and are circumcised.

  Three days later, while all the men are still gripped by the pain of recovery, two of Dinah’s brothers, Simeon and Levi, walk into the city and murder all the males, including Hamor and Shechem. The other brothers ransack the town, stripping it of flocks, herds, and wealth, and enslaving the women and children. Jacob is not at all pleased about the act of violence—he thinks it will make him a target in the region—but Simeon and Levi explain that they had no choice when their sister had been treated like a prostitute.

  God tells Jacob to head to Bethel and build an altar. Jacob commands his servants to give up their idols, which he buries. God then sends a “terror” from the heavens, which falls on the surrounding cities and prevents their inhabitants from pursuing Jacob. God reminds Jacob that his name is now to be Israel, encourages him to repro­duce, informs him that kings will descend from his line, and reinforces the promise to Abraham and Isaac about the inheritance of land.

  The death of Rachel and Isaac