Body Jumping

by Brenda Lowder

  Barclay stops spinning and pulls some stilettos that I bought the day before out of the closet. “Uh-unh,” I nix them. “Aiden said to dress ‘comfortably.’”

  Barclay blows a raspberry at me. “Tell him these are comfortable. Ain’t nobody gonna have sex with some girl dressed in yoga pants.”

  “I didn’t say I was going to wear yoga pants.” Or have sex with Aiden. Although I would totally love to wear yoga pants. And have sex with Aiden. I’m starting to miss my dowdy wardrobe. It may have been ugly, but it was comfortable. “The whole reason you’re helping me is to find something appropriate.”

  “Well, unreasonable demands are being made of this outfit! It needs to be comfortable.” He screws his eyes up and pronounces the word as if he has just unwittingly sucked a lemon. “And it needs to seduce. Now tell me, please, how the hell am I supposed to accomplish them both?”

  The stilettos are shaking in his hands. I take them from him gently. “It’s okay, Barclay. You’re an artist. You’ll figure it out.”

  He takes a deep breath. “I am. I am an artist and nothing is beyond me! Sit down. I have this under control.”

  He waves me down with both hands, and I take a seat. For fifteen minutes he pulls things from my closet, swishes them around and either throws them back in the closet—without hanging them up—or tosses them onto my bed. Sometimes they hit me in the face, other times he misses. He finally settles on an outfit—a long, form-fitting, navy skirt which is comfortable but still feminine, and a shoulder-baring, sea-blue peasant blouse.

  Once I’m dressed, Barclay does my makeup and hair. After he has left me—has “succeeded where no one else on earth could have,” as he puts it—he retires to the living room to watch Project Runway, and I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror.

  As Evie I’m beautiful. And I feel that beauty inside me, like a small, hard ball of fiery excitement burning in my chest. My own arc reactor that’s making me powerful like I’ve never been.

  ∞∞∞

  When I get to Julianne’s hospital room, I almost turn right around again.

  Laurel.

  Laurel with her drooping shoulders. Laurel with her lingering demands on my life. Her needs and sorrows that I can’t shake caring about. A weight hangs heavy around my heart. If only she’d give up on me, then maybe I could give up on her.

  “Evie.” She turns toward me as I walk in the room. “It’s good to see you.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.

  She doesn’t have to say anything. Her look tells me everything. I feel it in my gut like a bad oyster. The test was positive. She has cancer.

  “Any news?” I cringe and wait on her answer.

  “Not for Julianne, no. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” I pat her shoulder. “But actually I mean for you.”

  Her eyes fill with tears she blinks back. “The test came back. It’s cancer.”

  I collapse in the chair next to her, blowing out a big breath. “That sucks.” My words are inadequate, but there are no words big enough and sad enough for what I want to say. Laurel doesn’t seem to mind and just nods mutely beside me.

  “What am I going to do?” She hugs her arms to herself.

  “I can be there for you.”

  A strange look passes her eyes, and I quickly amend. “I mean, I’m sure you have plenty of your own friends and everything, but I’d be happy to—I’d love to—I want to help you, if you need me.”

  She doesn’t trust this—me. She thinks I’m someone she hardly knows. My concern for her is too extreme.

  “Thank you. That’s very kind of you to offer. I’ll be fine, though. My husband’s very supportive. And I do have friends. Good friends. Don’t worry about me.”

  There is no deep soul-to-soul understanding between us. I’m just a stranger in a hospital room who claims to be friends with her sister. As Evie and not Julianne, I’m as insubstantial as air and no ready substitute for the ties of blood and family and fate.

  I think of our mother and how much we lost when she left our lives. Her death set Laurel and me adrift in a world we don’t—and can’t—trust. If I want to help Laurel in any way, I’ll have to find a way to be me again.

  I still don’t know how.

  And it’s so very wrong of me that the thought of my not knowing how is a comfort.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Aiden is right on time. Barclay opens the door for him—he’s bouncing on his toes and oohs and aahs are bubbling out of his mouth—and my fiery heart dances to see Aiden step into the ordinary setting of my house. My house which has, up to this very moment, been achingly Aiden-free.

  His eyes widen when they find me. “You look beautiful,” he says. I listen closely to his voice, memorizing every sound.

  “Thank you.” I smile, even though my head whispers to my heart that he’s complimenting Evie’s beautiful looks and not mine.

  Barclay clears his throat. He’s still holding the door open, even though Aiden has walked through. I wonder if he’s waiting for me to credit him with my looking beautiful, but I won’t. I have trouble believing that even Barclay wants all the attention to be on him in this pivotal moment between Aiden and the new me.

  I see Barclay waggle his head at me in my peripheral vision. I sigh. “Aiden, please meet my roommate, Barclay.”

  Aiden turns toward the door, which Barclay is finally closing. “Hey, Barclay. Nice to meet you.” He gives the big man a half wave and returns his gaze to mine.

  Barclay rushes over and grasps Aiden’s already lowered hand and pumps away at it with both of his. “It is so nice to meet you! Julianne has only mentioned you a couple of times, but I see that we should have been talking about you constantly!”

  I want to throttle him, but Aiden’s brow clouds over. “Julianne?”

  Barclay coughs. “I’m sorry. I mean Evie. Julianne was my last roommate.”

  “It’s true,” I hurry to add. “Barclay has only been my roommate for a month and a half. But we’re great friends already, aren’t we?”

  “Yes, we are, Evie. Yes, we are.” Barclay puts his hand on Aiden’s back, pushing him away from me and leading him to sit on the sofa. Barclay settles next to him and pats his leg. “Now what are the three of us going to do tonight?”

  I linger in front of them, cross my arms, and skewer Barclay with a look. Aiden chuckles and slides out from under Barclay’s roving hand to stand at my side.

  “Three? It’s just the two of us tonight, Barclay. And it’s a surprise where I’m taking Evie.”

  Barclay pouts, but I clap him on the shoulder as I walk by and whisper, “Thanks.”

  He stops sulking long enough to wave us off and close the door behind us.

  “Nice guy,” Aiden comments as we walk to his car.

  “He is.” I bite my lip and think about Barclay. He’s infuriating and frustrating and demanding and overly dramatic and I love him to pieces and can’t imagine what my life was like before he moved in. He’s a comfort since he’s the only one who knows I’m Julianne. He made a mistake tonight calling me Julianne in front of Aiden—but he drove my getaway car and did my makeover. I adore him.

  “Not the kind of guy your boyfriends get jealous of when they pick you up, though, huh?”

  I laugh. “Definitely not.” I think about how Aiden is the only man to have picked me up for a date while I’ve been roommates with Barclay, and I picture what it would be like to have Aiden as my boyfriend. It’s not a new thought. I wonder if his mentioning it means he wants to volunteer. I hope Barclay hasn’t dissuaded him.

  “Where are we going?” I ask once we’re settled in Aiden’s Lexus.

  “Ah. Just like I told Barclay, it’s a surprise.”

  I hate surprises. But being with Aiden is reward enough so I decide to just go with it. It’s not like I’d rather be anywhere else in the world right now.

  After a short, pleasant drive, we pull up to the Georgia Aquarium. Atlanta boasts the largest aquarium in the Western Hemispher
e, but I haven’t been here in years. Aiden parks the car in the adjacent parking structure. It’s after hours, so we have our pick of spaces.

  “Isn’t the aquarium closed?”

  He shoots me a dimpled smile. “Trust me.”

  I do.

  We get out of the car, and Aiden pauses to pull a large backpack from the trunk. He slings it onto his back and reaches for my hand. This really is a date, then. I take his hand in mine, enjoying the rough, firm feel of it. His warmth and reassurance anchors me to this precious, surreal moment.

  The late summer sun has slipped below the horizon, painting the sky in plums and oranges. The warm evening air whispers against my exposed shoulders as my low heels strike the sidewalk. I look at our hands clasped between us and wonder what Aiden is feeling. Is this just another night to him? For me it’s the realization of a dream.

  “Here we are.”

  “Where?” I look around. We’re at the far side of the aquarium, a lengthy hike from the ticket entrance.

  Aiden pulls his keys from his pocket and unlocks the unassuming door in front of us.

  “You have a key?”

  He winks at me. “I work here.”

  “No you don’t. You work with me.”

  He laughs and holds the door open. I walk through slowly, swiveling to look at him even as I try to duck under his arm through the doorway. I stumble, catching the toe of my low-heeled black shoe on unlevel concrete, and Aiden reaches out an arm and steadies me. He lets the door close behind us. For a moment we’re alone in the dark, touching, his arm around me.

  My spirit doesn’t travel into him, and I get the feeling it never will. My journeys have all been one way, and I’ve never body jumped into someone I’d previously touched.

  I linger on that thought for a moment. Then why am I going to the hospital every day to touch my body’s hand?

  It’s hard to stay worried, though, with the very present feeling of his body next to mine. His breath on my neck. My heart beating as if it will escape my chest and run down the street without me.

  “I think the light’s somewhere around…” He fumbles in the dark, stepping away from me. I try not to sigh in disappointment. I hear his hand against the wall and then suddenly there’s light and I’m blinking, my eyes adjusting slowly.

  He smiles at me and offers his arm, which I gladly take, liquid warmth flowing into me at the contact. “So how is this possible?” I gesture at the access hallway we’re walking through which is obviously not for public use.

  “I do work here. Sort of. I’ve volunteered here for years.”

  “They give you a key for that?”

  The corners of his eyes crease with amusement. “I’ve made some sizable donations as well. And I’m here all the time. A few years back I think it seemed easier for them to give me a key than to have someone let me in as often as I showed up.”

  “Ah, the advantages of trust.”

  “I guess.”

  Aiden leads me through a series of hallways, and I really hope he knows where we’re going—and how to get back—because I haven’t a clue.

  “Here we are.”

  Where? All I see is more darkness beyond the service lights.

  He opens a door and ushers me through. I gasp.

  We’re in the main viewing theater. The only light in the room comes from the gigantic tank itself which makes up the front wall and is larger and longer than a cinema screen. Whale sharks, manta rays, and thousands of colorful tropical fish are swimming in the crystal-blue water.

  We approach the tank, and I feel small and inconsequential in the shadow of the massive whale sharks swimming in smooth, looming circles. Awe at their breathtaking beauty overwhelms me, and a tear slides down my cheek.

  “Hey now,” Aiden says and wipes my tear away with his thumb. I don’t lean my cheek into the palm of his hand, but I want to.

  “It’s just so beautiful,” I say.

  “It is.” He doesn’t stop looking at me. He smiles. “Hungry?”

  “Yes.”

  “Perfect.” He puts his backpack on the floor and kneels to unpack it. He pulls out a flannel blanket and spreads it on the carpet in front of the tank. There’s a riser and stadium seating just like in a movie theater, but the area in front is much closer to the tank, and I’m happy that this is where he’s chosen for us to be.

  “Do you need some help?” I ask him.

  He glances at me, holding one of many plastic containers in his hands. “I will need a lot of help eating all of this. Please have a seat.”

  I sit down on the blanket across from him and tuck my legs under me. I watch Aiden as he finishes unpacking our picnic and start to feel alarmed at the sheer volume of food he’s unearthing. But my gaze keeps straying back to the majestic sight in front of us.

  Calmness, strength, and serenity wash over me as I stare at the swirling colors of ocean life. The power and grace of the sea animals mesmerize me. I think I could look at them forever. I say as much to Aiden.

  “It’s my favorite place in the world,” he agrees.

  “It’s especially nice to be here at night—in the dark—with no lights or other people around.”

  “We’re lucky it’s a weeknight. On the weekends they let kids and their parents sleep in sleeping bags in front of this tank.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “That’s amazing. How cool would that be?”

  “So cool.” His eyes twinkle at me.

  “Before my mom died, back when my father acted like a real dad, he brought my sister Laurel and me here. The aquarium had just been built. It was daytime then, though.” I remember that day. Laurel and I had been so impressed by the Ocean Voyager Explorer tunnel, the rainbow-hued fish swimming over our heads, following along beside us, then darting off in front of us down the curved passage. We tried to walk backwards on the moving walkway so we could spend more time in the tunnel. The hordes of people around us made it impossible, but I remember her grabbing onto me so we’d stick together, the two of us trying to remain a part of the enormous beauty all around us for a little longer.

  “Did you like it?”

  “I loved it.” It was perhaps my favorite memory of being with Laurel and Dad. “It was magical.”

  His smile is warm. “Exactly.”

  “So what do you do when you work here?”

  “Everything.”

  I lift my chin at him. “Everything?”

  “Well, I’ve been volunteering here for years, so I can do everything. I’m a certified diver, so I get in the tanks and help clean them, help care for the animals and feed them.”

  “Wow. You’re like Dave!”

  “Dave?”

  “Dave the Diver.” At his puzzled expression, I explain. “When my sister and I were little we had a book about the different fish, whales, dolphins, and sea horses in the ocean and Dave the Diver was the one swimming through the book seeing it all.” I pick up the nearest plastic container and squint to see inside. Hummus. “Laurel was scared of his helmet, but I always wanted to be Dave. You must have an awesome life.”

  He laughs, and his eyes dance. “I do, I think.” He takes the container from me and our fingers brush, just like the hundreds of times they have before when I’d hand him his coffee when I was Julianne. I feel the same electric spark jump between us. But he doesn’t know. He couldn’t know. “Especially now.”

  He sets the container down with the others and leans close to me. This is it. There’s a flutter in my belly and then his lips are on mine and he’s kissing me.

  It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Like Christmas morning, and a summer’s day at the beach, and winning the sixth-grade Spelling Bee all rolled into one. My heart sings an aria, and I inch closer. He does, too, and then his arms are around me, pulling me tight against him. I kiss him harder and slide my hands up the back of his neck into his short hair. His tongue slides against mine and a trail of fire blazes down through my body, causing me
to struggle to pull in a breath. I finally break away from the kiss, panting. The heat rises to my cheeks as I steal a glance at him. He’s breathing hard and the color is high in his face too. His eyes are wide with the surprise I feel must be mirrored in my own. I laugh, and he laughs too.

  “Wow!” he says.

  I’m still trying to catch my breath. “Yes. Wow. Wow.” I put a hand on my stomach and laugh again. “I guess that policy about employees…fraternizing…is pretty flexible.”

  He runs a hand through his hair and laughs again. “Oh, yeah. Completely. In fact I think that policy is going to fall out of the handbook binder and into the trash can tomorrow.”

  “Makes sense.” I smile and look at him beneath lowered eyelashes. He takes my hand and plays with my fingers before bringing them to his lips and kissing them one by one.

  “This is going to sound odd, but the first time I met you, I felt like I already knew you. Like you were already a fixture in my life.” He blushes and looks down at our hands entwined.

  My heart accelerates. Is that a line? Or does he really feel that he knows me, my core, already? Does he recognize me, soul to soul? I swallow. “That’s not odd. I feel that way too.”

  He raises his eyes to mine, searching my face. “You do?”

  I nod and squeeze his hand. “Maybe our souls have met before.”

  He cocks his head to the side and gives me an odd look. “Maybe.” He glances at the enormous underwater scene before turning back to me. “But you remind me of someone I used to see a lot. Something about the light in your eyes.” He shakes his head, smiling wryly at himself. He raises my hand to his lips again and kisses it.

  The fire in me is instantly reignited. I lean toward him, wanting my lips to be kissed instead.

  “Should we eat?” he says slowly, as if he should offer.

  “Um, maybe later?” I say.

  He drops my hand and hauls me to him and every inch of me exults at the contact. He crushes my mouth with his. I throw my arms around his neck and press close against him. He lies down on the blanket, taking me with him without breaking the kiss, when his phone rings, loud and insistent. He pulls away and pauses, his arms still loosely holding me.