Flip Turn

by Dean Cornwall

  “Oh really? That will be interesting for them. I wonder if they’ll be just as interested in what I know about you and Nick Dante?”

  I fell silent, which I shouldn’t have done. I should have denied it or told him to get lost or walked out – anything else. The grin on Neal’s face said it all. He hadn’t known for sure, but now he did.

  “Oh that’s delicious. The tabloids will eat up that kind of scandal and your sponsors might just pull out.” He laughed. “Sorry. Did I say pull out? Such a double-entendre.”

  “That’s private.”

  “I know! It definitely should be! Fucking disgusting. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing when my cousin told me he’d seen you crawling back home in the early hours the next morning.” He increased his pace on the machine. “Now get lost, and I’ll consider keeping it to myself. If you don’t upset me.”

  I should have known that my piece of shit next door neighbour would have seen me coming home. And of course he told his cousin, who just happens to be my worst nightmare. Without saying a word, I turned around and headed out of the gym, hearing him laugh behind me. And why shouldn’t he? He’d won. He now had something he could hold over me whenever he wanted to get his own way and I’d capitulate because I didn’t dare drop Dante in hot water, even if I didn’t care about my own reputation or the sponsorship deals I’d probably lose over it.

  As I crossed the foyer, Vicki caught up with me, raising her arms in frustration. “What’s going on, Juke? Where did you get to?”

  I shook my head. “I can’t do this.” Shrugging her off, I headed for the doors.

  “What? Where are you going? The contest starts in ninety minutes. You haven’t even registered yet!”

  I ignored her, carrying on out of the sports centre and out onto the street. My car was in the garage, but I could pick it up later. Right now I just needed to be alone.

  Chapter 6

  I had no idea how long I’d been walking. Somehow I ended up down on the waterfront, sitting on a bench to look out at the ocean. It wasn’t a very hot or sunny day, but I watched a middle-aged couple walking along the sand, arm in arm, occasionally stopping so that she could pick up shells that had washed up on the beach, and each time he would take it, examine it and say something I couldn’t quite hear, eliciting a smile from her in response.

  They looked so happy together.

  Would I ever have that kind of happiness with someone? I wouldn’t have even thought about that question a couple of weeks before, but now it was all I could think about. Deep down, I’d wanted that with Dante, even if it was too painful to let myself admit it. Stupid, perhaps, and probably just as well he pulled away before I started to think that it might be a possibility, but I felt hurt nevertheless.

  There were two things I couldn’t get away from: the first, that I thought about Dante every waking moment of every day; the second, that I felt humiliated by the way things had ended. I felt both angry and sad at the same time, somehow nostalgic for the short time we’d felt like more than just acquaintances and embarrassed for letting myself become so attached so quickly.

  I toyed with my phone, my mother’s number on the screen. Two or three times as I walked, I almost called her. If I had a best friend, the truth was it was probably her. She’d been the one consistent thing in my life. But how could I even start that conversation? There was so much I hadn’t told her, so much that I’d have to explain...

  My finger hovered over the call button, my heart clenched and I put the phone aside.

  How dare Neal throw everything at me like that? He had no right. It was bad enough that my fucking next door neighbour had taken the time out of his busy schedule to call his cousin and gossip behind my back, but to then threaten to expose me, like being gay was some dirty little secret, was below the belt.

  But then, it wasn’t just the fact that I was gay, was it? It was also the fact that I’d had a sordid little affair with my coach, someone who had already been investigated in the past for having an inappropriate relationship.

  It was a mess.

  I hit the call button before I could persuade myself out of it, and on the third ring my mum answered.

  “Juke? This is a surprise. Aren’t you supposed to be swimming right now?”

  “It’s not for a while. I need to talk to you.” I drew in a breath, trying to steady my nerves, wondering how to start.

  “You need to talk to me?”

  I nodded, as if she could see me. What should I say first? “I’ve got something to tell you about myself. Something important.”

  There was a momentary hesitation on the other end, then, “Juke, you can tell me anything. I hope you know that. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. Is it something I should sit down for?”

  “I’m gay,” I said, blurting the words before I could talk myself out of it. “Sorry, I know it’s not the sort of thing you want to hear over the phone like this—”

  There was a sigh on the other end of the line and it sounded like... relief? “Juke, don’t do that to me, I was worried it was something bad. You’re my baby boy. I’ve loved you from the day you were born. I’m glad that you felt safe enough to call me and tell me, and I don’t mind that you wanted to do it over the phone. But never, ever think you’re not loved, sweetheart. Thank you for trusting me.”

  I felt tears pricking my eyes. “Thank you. I love you.”

  “I’ll always love you. But is there some reason you needed to call me and tell me right now?” She was perceptive as ever, and despite everything I couldn’t help smiling.

  “That’s the other thing. I need to talk things through with you but I couldn’t without telling you that. I’ve met someone, only... things didn’t exactly go the way I’d planned. We um...” I didn’t exactly feel comfortable discussing something so intimate with her, but who else was there? “We slept together. And then he broke things off the next morning.”

  She sighed. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Some people are only really after one thing.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think it’s like that. I think he didn’t expect to fall for me. Well, I know he didn’t. And it’s made things complicated for him. And I haven’t...” I took a breath, trying to steady myself, realising that I was starting to babble. Stick to the point, Juke. “I haven’t spoken to him since it happened a week ago. Part of me wants to call him and try to fix things. But part of me doesn’t want to have my heart broken again.”

  “Hmmm. Is he married? Is that why it’s complicated? Because if it is, it might be better to just let sleeping dogs—”

  “He’s my coach.”

  “Oh...”

  “Or he was, anyway. As soon as we’d spent the night together, he quit and got me someone else. But I think he would still be in trouble if it came out that he’d slept with one of his students.”

  “Yes, well, I can’t pretend that doesn’t sound unethical.” I heard her click her tongue against her teeth as she thought things through. “I think you should tell him how you’re feeling.”

  “Really?” I had expected her to tell me to let it go. “It scares me.”

  “I understand. Everything worthwhile is frightening. If you’re feeling like there are still loose ends, call him and tell him how you’re feeling. It sounds like you’re already very upset over this, so I can’t see it can hurt, and at least you’ll know one way or the other. But if you’re upset after, you call me back. And there’s a room here for you if you don’t want to be alone.”

  “You think I should call him right now?”

  “No time like the present, sweetheart. Call him and tell him.”

  I drew in a deep breath. She was right. I needed closure. But I couldn’t pretend it was going to be easy. If Dante said to let it all go – or worse, if he wouldn’t speak to me at all – it would bring up all the bad feelings all over again. But if I didn’t find out—

  “Is this seat taken?”

  I sighed inwardly, just wanting to be alone with my thoughts
. Glancing up along the waterfront, there were several empty benches, and I was just about to protest and ask why he couldn’t take one of those when I looked into his face and—

  I placed my hand over the microphone. “Dante?”

  “Hey, Juke.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Vicki called me. She said you just walked out of the centre.” He sat down on the bench beside me. “I need to talk to you.”

  I shook my head, barely able to believe it. At least I knew he was willing to talk to me, even if it was only to tell me I had to get over the whole thing. “I need to talk to you, too,” I said. “Hold on.” I took my hand away from the phone and spoke into it. “Mum, he’s here. I’ll call you later. Thank you for listening. I love you.”

  “Love you too, sweetheart. Good luck.” She blew a kiss down the line, and I did the same before hanging up and turning to Dante.

  “Thank you for coming to find me. Sorry, I hope you don’t mind that I told my mum about us. I needed to talk to someone and she won’t tell anyone.”

  “It’s fine, that’s what I need to talk to you about.”

  “Same. I’m not sure where to begin though...” Should I declare my undying love for him? Did that seem a little overdramatic?

  “Well, perhaps I should start then. This isn’t easy for me either. There’s a lot that I need to say, starting with an apology. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did, and I wish I hadn’t. You must have thought I was the worst person in the world for telling you to leave like that after we...” He cleared his throat, going red.

  “Had sex? You can say it,” I told him. “I don’t regret what we did.”

  “Me neither. It was the best night of my life. But it shouldn’t have happened, that’s the absolute truth. I never should have slept with you, and I shouldn’t have let things get that far. When we almost kissed in your pool, I should have noticed that as a warning sign. I was wrong to let my feelings for you get out of hand, and I’m willing to face the consequences if you want to go to the association and report me.”

  I shook my head. “I already told you I’m not going to do that. Even though things didn’t exactly end the way I would have chosen, I wanted you from the moment I met you. As far as I’m concerned you did nothing wrong, but...” I drew a deep breath as he raised an eyebrow: but what? “Neal Hewitt knows about the two of us and he’s holding it over me. Sorry.”

  Dante blew out a breath. “Jesus, I’m so sorry. I have no idea how he found that out, I didn’t tell anyone. I—”

  “His cousin told him. Well, suspected. You know, my neighbour? He saw me leaving to go to yours and didn’t see me coming home until the next morning. He put two and two together and I kind of accidentally confirmed it for Neal. I didn’t mean to, I was angry – with him, not you – and I was careless.”

  Dante nodded. “It’s OK. That’s really where I’m going with this. I’m going to tell the association myself and take the consequences. I don’t like having it as a secret, but more than that I don’t like you feeling like you have to keep this a secret on my behalf. I was scared before. I’m still scared now. But this is the right thing to do. I care far too much about you to let you continue having this on your shoulders. I never should have put you in that position in the first place.”

  For a moment, I was just silent, looking at him. The fear of what he was about to do was clear in his face, in the way his eyes didn’t quite focus on mine. He’d been through this before. He’d faced the consequences and it had led, in part, to his disappearance from the public eye for years. But he was willing to go through that again.

  For me.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I’ve been talking about myself. What did you want to say?” He looked at his watch. “You need to get back to the pool, Vicki is going spare.”

  I shook my head. “Never mind that. I want to be with you.”

  “I’ll come with you back to the pool. I’m here for you, Juke, even if I can’t be your coach any longer.”

  “That’s not what I mean,” I said. I met his eyes and said the words again: “I want to be with you, Dante.”

  “Juke, that’s—”

  “You had your chance to speak,” I said. “Now it’s mine. You’re not my coach any more. So technically any relationship we start now is totally above board and nobody’s business except ours. I want to see where this goes.” I felt my heart clench as I fell silent. This was it, the moment of truth. It could go either way between us. If he rejected me now, that would be it.

  “I’ve been an idiot,” he said after a pause. “What we did was beautiful, and I shouldn’t have panicked. I still believe it was wrong of me to sleep with you, but once I had I should have accepted that, not buried my head in the sand. I should have thanked my lucky stars that you even looked twice at a guy like me.”

  “Are you kidding? Have you seen yourself?”

  He blushed, shaking his head. “I’m nothing special, Juke.”

  “You are to me,” I said, letting the silence after speak for itself.

  Eventually, he drew a breath and gently took my hand. “Where do we go from here?”

  “We can start over. We can see where this goes when there are no other distractions. Now that I’m just a guy you know.”

  Dante stared at me, then he narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure this is what you want? Really, I think you can do better, Juke, I’m—”

  “Just fucking kiss me, Dante, stop trying to change my mind.”

  With a laugh, he lunged forward, catching me in his arms and pulling me close, pressing his lips against mine in a gentle, sweet kiss, our hands twined together. We were in public. The thought occurred to me through everything else, and it made me feel light headed. There was no hiding from this. The couple on the beach had seen us, people driving by had seen us.

  What had they seen? Two people. In love.

  I pulled away, staring into his face as I caught my breath. “Are you my boyfriend?”

  He nodded, blushing. “That word feels a bit strange though.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m hardly a boy any more. The last time I was someone’s boyfriend was before I got engaged to Angelica. We’re talking twenty-something years.” He grinned. “But here’s something for you: I think I’m a little bit in love with you, Juke Henderson.”

  It was my turn to blush. Had he really just said the L word? “Nobody’s ever said that before.”

  A grin crept up the side of his face. “I think you’ll find they have.”

  I punched his arm. “To me, Dante. Nobody’s ever said it to me.”

  “Well, they should have. I should have.”

  I narrowed my eyes, taking a moment to savour the situation. Nick Dante loved me. We’d just kissed. We were an item. “I love you, too. Even if you are infuriating.”

  “Can I be your coach for a moment?”

  “No. Vicki Wright is my coach. You gave up that job, remember?” I teased.

  “Juke, you’ve got...” He glanced at his watch. “Just over half an hour before that contest gets started. You need to get back there. I’m parked just over—”

  “I’m not going back.” I shook my head.

  “What? Why not?”

  “I can’t take it any more. The gloating if Neal Hewitt wins will be something else.”

  He was silent for a moment. Then he shrugged. “So what if he wins? Clients of mine don’t base their self worth on winning or losing. They put in maximum effort every time. Sometimes you’ll win, sometimes you’ll lose. Let him care about that. You just get in there and make him work for it.”

  Dante held me with his eyes until finally I nodded. “OK.”

  “Just OK?”

  “Don’t push it, Dante. Just get me back to that pool.”

  I LOOKED TO THE LEFT and right of me as we stood ready at the side of the pool. This was it. The moment of truth. Neal Hewitt was two away from me on the right, while Jimmy Landry was directly on my left. I didn’t
mind being part of the buffer between the two of them. Compared to how he’d treated Jimmy, I’d come off lightly where Neal was concerned. I should be grateful for that.

  The starter’s gun went off, and a moment later I torpedoed into the water. The screams of the crowd were lost. There was nothing except me and the lane, nothing except the technique and the finish line. As I surfaced, pulling myself forward, I saw Dante standing among those directly opposite me, and I concentrated on the technique he’d taught me, which Vicki hadn’t tried to change. Pulling through the water was hard. It was never easy. But I could do it.

  It was difficult to know how I was doing in comparison to any of my rivals. That was the thing with swimming. It might be a competitive sport, but when you’re in the water it’s like there’s nobody else around you. You’re competing against yourself, pushing to move faster, to swim harder, to cut a fraction of a second from your time. There’s nothing else quite like it.

  I thought about Dante, about the fact that things had been resolved, that we were now an item. It was an exciting time, the start of a relationship. It was new, and it was going to last. I could feel it in my bones.

  I made the flip turn quickly and smoothly, pushing off under the water and heading for the surface. As I broke through, I was no longer able to see Dante, but I knew that he was watching me.

  Vicki was there, at the end, and she was smiling. That had to be a good thing, right?

  A few more strokes.

  Reach.

  Push.

  Keep it up.

  I said the words in my head like a mantra as I stretched for the side of the pool, getting nearer, hoping to push myself for just a few more moments, every muscle burning with the effort.

  Slamming my palm onto the wall sent a thrill through me and I realised something important: I didn’t care whether I’d won or lost. I didn’t care where I’d placed. All of that was important, of course, but it could wait. As I pulled myself into the side, with Vicki grinning wide and reaching down, all that mattered was that I’d done it. I’d finished. The race was over and my fear of the water was gone.