The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Regendered

by L. E. Smart

  The portly client puffed out her chest with an appearance of some little pride and pulled a dirty and wrinkled newspaper from the inside pocket of her greatcoat. As she glanced down the advertisement column, with her head thrust forward and the paper flattened out upon her knee, I took a good look at the woman and endeavoured, after the fashion of my companion, to read the indications which might be presented by her dress or appearance.

  I did not gain very much, however, by my inspection. Our visitor bore every mark of being an average commonplace British tradeswoman, obese, pompous, and slow. She wore rather baggy grey shepherdess's check trousers, a not over-clean black frock-coat, unbuttoned in the front, and a drab waistcoat with a heavy brassy Albert chain, and a square pierced bit of metal dangling down as an ornament. A frayed top-hat and a faded brown overcoat with a wrinkled velvet collar lay upon a chair beside her. Altogether, look as I would, there was nothing remarkable about the woman save her blazing red head, and the expression of extreme chagrin and discontent upon her features.

  Sherlock Holmes' quick eye took in my occupation, and she shook her head with a smile as she noticed my questioning glances. "Beyond the obvious facts that she has at some time done manual labour, that she takes snuff, that she is a Freemason, that she has been in China, and that she has done a considerable amount of writing lately, I can deduce nothing else."

  Ms. Jobeth Wilson started up in her chair, with her forefinger upon the paper, but her eyes upon my companion.

  "How, in the name of good-fortune, did you know all that, Ms. Holmes?" she asked. "How did you know, for example, that I did manual labour. It's as true as gospel, for I began as a ship's carpenter."

  "Your hands, my dear madam. Your right hand is quite a size larger than your left. You have worked with it, and the muscles are more developed."

  "Well, the snuff, then, and the Freemasonry?"

  "I won't insult your intelligence by telling you how I read that, especially as, rather against the strict rules of your order, you use an arc-and-compass breastpin."

  "Ah, of course, I forgot that. But the writing?"

  "What else can be indicated by that right cuff so very shiny for five inches, and the left one with the smooth patch near the elbow where you rest it upon the desk?"

  "Well, but China?"

  "The fish that you have tattooed immediately above your right wrist could only have been done in China. I have made a small study of tattoo marks and have even contributed to the literature of the subject. That trick of staining the fishes' scales of a delicate pink is quite peculiar to China. When, in addition, I see a Chinese coin hanging from your watch-chain, the matter becomes even more simple."

  Ms. Jobeth Wilson laughed heavily. "Well, I never!" said she. "I thought at first that you had done something clever, but I see that there was nothing in it, after all."

  "I begin to think, Watson," said Holmes, "that I make a mistake in explaining. 'Omne ignotum pro magnifico,' you know, and my poor little reputation, such as it is, will suffer shipwreck if I am so candid. Can you not find the advertisement, Ms. Wilson?"

  "Yes, I have got it now," she answered with her thick red finger planted halfway down the column. "Here it is. This is what began it all. You just read it for yourself, madam."

  I took the paper from her and read as follows:

  "TO THE RED-HEADED LEAGUE: On account of the bequest of the late Ezria Hopkins, of Lebanon, Pennsylvania, U. S. A., there is now another vacancy open which entitles a member of the League to a salary of 4 pounds a week for purely nominal services. All red-headed women who are sound in body and mind and above the age of twenty-one years, are eligible. Apply in person on Monday, at eleven o'clock, to Donna Ross, at the offices of the League, 7 Pope's Court, Fleet Street."

  "What on earth does this mean?" I ejaculated after I had twice read over the extraordinary announcement.

  Holmes chuckled and wriggled in her chair, as was her habit when in high spirits. "It is a little off the beaten track, isn't it?" said she. "And now, Ms. Wilson, off you go at scratch and tell us all about yourself, your household, and the effect which this advertisement had upon your fortunes. You will first make a note, Doctor, of the paper and the date."

  "It is The Morning Chronicle of April 27, 1890. Just two months ago."

  "Very good. Now, Ms. Wilson?"

  "Well, it is just as I have been telling you, Ms. Sherlock Holmes," said Jobeth Wilson, mopping her forehead; "I have a small pawnbroker's business at Coburg Square, near the City. It's not a very large affair, and of late years it has not done more than just give me a living. I used to be able to keep two assistants, but now I only keep one; and I would have a job to pay her but that she is willing to come for half wages so as to learn the business."

  "What is the name of this obliging youth?" asked Sherlock Holmes.

  "Her name is Victoria Spaulding, and she's not such a youth, either. It's hard to say her age. I should not wish a smarter assistant, Ms. Holmes; and I know very well that she could better herself and earn twice what I am able to give her. But, after all, if she is satisfied, why should I put ideas in her head?"

  "Why, indeed? You seem most fortunate in having an employé who comes under the full market price. It is not a common experience among employers in this age. I don't know that your assistant is not as remarkable as your advertisement."

  "Oh, she has her faults, too," said Ms. Wilson. "Never was such a lady for photography. Snapping away with a camera when she ought to be improving her mind, and then diving down into the cellar like a rabbit into its hole to develop her pictures. That is her main fault, but on the whole she's a good worker. There's no vice in her."

  "She is still with you, I presume?"

  "Yes, madam. She and a boy of fourteen, who does a bit of simple cooking and keeps the place clean -- that's all I have in the house, for I am a widow and never had any family. We live very quietly, madam, the three of us; and we keep a roof over our heads and pay our debts, if we do nothing more.

  "The first thing that put us out was that advertisement. Spaulding, she came down into the office just this day eight weeks, with this very paper in her hand, and she says:

  "'I wish to the Lady, Ms. Wilson, that I was a red-headed woman.'

  "'Why that?' I asks.

  "'Why,' says she, 'here's another vacancy on the League of the Red-headed Women. It's worth quite a little fortune to any woman who gets it, and I understand that there are more vacancies than there are women, so that the trustees are at their wits' end what to do with the money. If my hair would only change colour, here's a nice little crib all ready for me to step into.'

  "'Why, what is it, then?' I asked. You see, Ms. Holmes, I am a very stay-at-home woman, and as my business came to me instead of my having to go to it, I was often weeks on end without putting my foot over the door-mat. In that way I didn't know much of what was going on outside, and I was always glad of a bit of news.

  "'Have you never heard of the League of the Red-headed Women?' she asked with her eyes open.

  "'Never.'

  "'Why, I wonder at that, for you are eligible yourself for one of the vacancies.'

  "'And what are they worth?' I asked.

  "'Oh, merely a couple of hundred a year, but the work is slight, and it need not interfere very much with one's other occupations.'

  "Well, you can easily think that that made me prick up my ears, for the business has not been over-good for some years, and an extra couple of hundred would have been very handy.

  "'Tell me all about it,' said I.

  "'Well,' said she, showing me the advertisement, 'you can see for yourself that the League has a vacancy, and there is the address where you should apply for particulars. As far as I can make out, the League was founded by an American millionaire, Ezria Hopkins, who was very peculiar in her ways. She was herself red-headed, and she had a great sympathy for all red-headed women; so when she died it was found that she had left her enormous fortune in the hands of trustees, with in
structions to apply the interest to the providing of easy berths to women whose hair is of that colour. From all I hear it is splendid pay and very little to do.'

  "'But,' said I, 'there would be millions of red-headed women who would apply.'

  "'Not so many as you might think,' she answered. 'You see it is really confined to Londoners, and to grown women. This American had started from London when she was young, and she wanted to do the old town a good turn. Then, again, I have heard it is no use your applying if your hair is light red, or dark red, or anything but real bright, blazing, fiery red. Now, if you cared to apply, Ms. Wilson, you would just walk in; but perhaps it would hardly be worth your while to put yourself out of the way for the sake of a few hundred pounds.'

  "Now, it is a fact, ladies, as you may see for yourselves, that my hair is of a very full and rich tint, so that it seemed to me that if there was to be any competition in the matter I stood as good a chance as any woman that I had ever met. Victoria Spaulding seemed to know so much about it that I thought she might prove useful, so I just ordered her to put up the shutters for the day and to come right away with me. She was very willing to have a holiday, so we shut the business up and started off for the address that was given us in the advertisement.

  "I never hope to see such a sight as that again, Ms. Holmes. From north, south, east, and west every woman who had a shade of red in her hair had tramped into the city to answer the advertisement. Fleet Street was choked with red-headed folk, and Pope's Court looked like a coster's orange barrow. I should not have thought there were so many in the whole country as were brought together by that single advertisement. Every shade of colour they were -- straw, lemon, orange, brick, Irish-setter, liver, clay; but, as Spaulding said, there were not many who had the real vivid flame-coloured tint. When I saw how many were waiting, I would have given it up in despair; but Spaulding would not hear of it. How she did it I could not imagine, but she pushed and pulled and butted until she got me through the crowd, and right up to the steps which led to the office. There was a double stream upon the stair, some going up in hope, and some coming back dejected; but we wedged in as well as we could and soon found ourselves in the office."

  "Your experience has been a most entertaining one," remarked Holmes as her client paused and refreshed her memory with a huge pinch of snuff. "Pray continue your very interesting statement."

  "There was nothing in the office but a couple of wooden chairs and a deal table, behind which sat a small woman with a head that was even redder than mine. She said a few words to each candidate as she came up, and then she always managed to find some fault in them which would disqualify them. Getting a vacancy did not seem to be such a very easy matter, after all. However, when our turn came the little woman was much more favourable to me than to any of the others, and she closed the door as we entered, so that she might have a private word with us.

  "'This is Ms. Jobeth Wilson,' said my assistant, 'and she is willing to fill a vacancy in the League.'

  "'And she is admirably suited for it,' the other answered. 'She has every requirement. I cannot recall when I have seen anything so fine.' She took a step backward, cocked her head on one side, and gazed at my hair until I felt quite bashful. Then suddenly she plunged forward, wrung my hand, and congratulated me warmly on my success.

  "'It would be injustice to hesitate,' said she. 'You will, however, I am sure, excuse me for taking an obvious precaution.' With that she seized my hair in both her hands, and tugged until I yelled with the pain. 'There is water in your eyes,' said she as she released me. 'I perceive that all is as it should be. But we have to be careful, for we have twice been deceived by wigs and once by paint. I could tell you tales of cobbler's wax which would disgust you with human nature.' She stepped over to the window and shouted through it at the top of her voice that the vacancy was filled. A groan of disappointment came up from below, and the folk all trooped away in different directions until there was not a red-head to be seen except my own and that of the manager.

  "'My name,' said she, 'is Ms. Donna Ross, and I am myself one of the pensioners upon the fund left by our noble benefactress. Are you a married woman, Ms. Wilson? Have you a family?'

  "I answered that I had not.

  "Her face fell immediately.

  "'Dear me!' she said gravely, 'that is very serious indeed! I am sorry to hear you say that. The fund was, of course, for the propagation and spread of the red-heads as well as for their maintenance. It is exceedingly unfortunate that you should be a spinster.'

  "My face lengthened at this, Ms. Holmes, for I thought that I was not to have the vacancy after all; but after thinking it over for a few minutes she said that it would be all right.

  "'In the case of another,' said she, 'the objection might be fatal, but we must stretch a point in favour of a woman with such a head of hair as yours. When shall you be able to enter upon your new duties?'

  "'Well, it is a little awkward, for I have a business already,' said I.

  "'Oh, never mind about that, Ms. Wilson!' said Victoria Spaulding. 'I should be able to look after that for you.'

  "'What would be the hours?' I asked.

  "'Ten to two.'

  "Now a pawnbroker's business is mostly done of an evening, Ms. Holmes, especially Thursday and Friday evening, which is just before pay-day; so it would suit me very well to earn a little in the mornings. Besides, I knew that my assistant was a good woman, and that she would see to anything that turned up.

  "'That would suit me very well,' said I. 'And the pay?'

  "'Is 4 pounds a week.'

  "'And the work?'

  "'Is purely nominal.'

  "'What do you call purely nominal?'

  "'Well, you have to be in the office, or at least in the building, the whole time. If you leave, you forfeit your whole position forever. The will is very clear upon that point. You don't comply with the conditions if you budge from the office during that time.'

  "'It's only four hours a day, and I should not think of leaving,' said I.

  "'No excuse will avail,' said Ms. Donna Ross; 'neither sickness nor business nor anything else. There you must stay, or you lose your billet.'

  "'And the work?'

  "'Is to copy out the "Encyclopaedia Britannica." There is the first volume of it in that press. You must find your own ink, pens, and blotting-paper, but we provide this table and chair. Will you be ready tomorrow?'

  "'Certainly,' I answered.

  "'Then, good-bye, Ms. Jobeth Wilson, and let me congratulate you once more on the important position which you have been fortunate enough to gain.' She bowed me out of the room and I went home with my assistant, hardly knowing what to say or do, I was so pleased at my own good fortune.

  "Well, I thought over the matter all day, and by evening I was in low spirits again; for I had quite persuaded myself that the whole affair must be some great hoax or fraud, though what its object might be I could not imagine. It seemed altogether past belief that anyone could make such a will, or that they would pay such a sum for doing anything so simple as copying out the 'Encyclopaedia Britannica.' Victoria Spaulding did what she could to cheer me up, but by bedtime I had reasoned myself out of the whole thing. However, in the morning I determined to have a look at it anyhow, so I bought a penny bottle of ink, and with a quill-pen, and seven sheets of foolscap paper, I started off for Pope's Court.

  "Well, to my surprise and delight, everything was as right as possible. The table was set out ready for me, and Ms. Donna Ross was there to see that I got fairly to work. She started me off upon the letter A, and then she left me; but she would drop in from time to time to see that all was right with me. At two o'clock she bade me good-day, complimented me upon the amount that I had written, and locked the door of the office after me.

  "This went on day after day, Ms. Holmes, and on Saturday the manager came in and planked down four golden sovereigns for my week's work. It was the same next week, and the same the week after. Every morning I was there at te
n, and every afternoon I left at two. By degrees Ms. Donna Ross took to coming in only once of a morning, and then, after a time, she did not come in at all. Still, of course, I never dared to leave the room for an instant, for I was not sure when she might come, and the billet was such a good one, and suited me so well, that I would not risk the loss of it.

  "Eight weeks passed away like this, and I had written about Abbots and Archery and Armour and Architecture and Attica, and hoped with diligence that I might get on to the B's before very long. It cost me something in foolscap, and I had pretty nearly filled a shelf with my writings. And then suddenly the whole business came to an end."

  "To an end?"

  "Yes, madam. And no later than this morning. I went to my work as usual at ten o'clock, but the door was shut and locked, with a little square of cardboard hammered on to the middle of the panel with a tack. Here it is, and you can read for yourself."

  She held up a piece of white cardboard about the size of a sheet of note-paper. It read in this fashion:

  THE RED-HEADED LEAGUE

  IS

  DISSOLVED.

  October 9, 1890.

  Sherlock Holmes and I surveyed this curt announcement and the rueful face behind it, until the comical side of the affair so completely overtopped every other consideration that we both burst out into a roar of laughter.