Please Don't Die

by Lurlene McDaniel

  “Wake up, Lacey. Let’s talk.” Lacey rolled away from her. “Don’t try to fake me out,” Katie said. “I know you’re awake, and I’m not going away until we talk, so turn over and listen up.”

  Slowly, Lacey rolled to face Katie. Her eyes looked red and puffy. “Leave me alone.”

  “No way. I want you to know that I don’t hold anything you said to me last evening against you.” She thought she saw the slightest expression of relief flash across Lacey’s face. “It’ll take a lot more than being called a freak to chase me away.”

  I—I’m sorry—

  Katie held up her hand. “Not that it didn’t hurt my feelings. But I’m tough, so that’s not what really got to me. What blows my mind is that you think you’re a freak because you’re less than perfect like the ‘friends’ you talk about back home. Haven’t you heard? Nobody’s perfect.”

  “You know what I mean. Not everybody’s sick. Or diseased.”

  Katie winced. “You still don’t get it, do you? That’s what Jenny House is all about. So we can come and be with people just like us. People who feel like we do. It was what Jenny wanted, you know.”

  “You mean the girl in the painting?”

  Katie nodded. “Mr. Holloway’s told me some things about her. Personally, I think there might have been something going on between them before she got sick. It was years ago that she died, but I can tell that she’s still pretty special to him.”

  “As Amanda would say, ‘How romantic.’ ”

  “Don’t be sarcastic. The point is, Jenny wanted to give kids like us a chance to have some fun and an opportunity to be supportive of one another. Even when someone acts as if she doesn’t want support.” Katie arched her eyebrows and drilled her gaze into Lacey’s so that she’d get her point.

  “I care about you and Amanda and Chelsea,” Lacey declared. “You are all special friends to me.” She dropped her gaze. “Even though I don’t always show it.”

  “But you do show it. You helped Amanda with her makeup, didn’t you? You gave Jeff to Amanda even though you really like him. That was pretty unselfish. It was nice of you.”

  “Nice? Don’t say that. I can’t go around having people think I’m nice. Do you want to ruin my reputation?” Lacey raked her fingers through her tangled hair and put on a shaky smile.

  Katie returned a smile. “I’ll promise to keep it a secret.”

  “Keep what a secret?” Chelsea asked. She’d come out of the bathroom.

  Katie and Lacey glanced at her, and both smiled. “That deep down Lacey is a marshmallow,” Katie said.

  Chelsea waved her hand. “Everyone knows that.”

  “Who is spreading such lies?” Lacey demanded, jumping out of bed. “I’ll scratch their eyes out.”

  Chelsea grinned. “I’ll tell you on the way to visit Amanda.”

  Katie cleared her throat. “Uh—maybe you should take it easy today.”

  “No way. I know my limits, Katie. I know I’m pushing them now, but I want to see Amanda as much as I can. I promise to come back here after lunch and rest all afternoon,” she added when Katie opened her mouth to argue. “I—I just want to be around her. I don’t know why, but somehow I feel like I might not get another chance.”

  Katie nodded, understanding perfectly Chelsea’s reasoning. She and Amanda were walking side by side down the same dark road, each in her own way. And no one could ever predict what tomorrow might bring. No one.

  Eighteen

  OVER THE NEXT few days, Katie, Lacey, Chelsea, and Jeff had to visit her in isolation one at a time. They had to suit up in sterile gowns, gloves, and masks and couldn’t stay longer than ten minutes. Katie hated going into the room, because it reminded her too much of her experience, yet she never let Amanda know it.

  The experimental drug was in a bag hung on an IV pole, and ran through tubing into an infusion pump attached to more tubing and a shunt embedded in Amanda’s chest near her collarbone. Jeff’s mobile hung beside the bag, adding the only bit of color to the pale green and white world. The first couple of days, Amanda tolerated the drug without side effects and her spirits remained high. But by day three, she felt nauseated, and the next day, no one could visit with her except her parents because she was vomiting almost constantly.

  “This junk is supposed to help her!” Lacey ranted while pacing the floor of the waiting room. They had come at the end of the week, only to be told Amanda was still too sick to receive visitors.

  “Calm down,” Jeff said. “They said there would be a period of adjustment.”

  Katie chewed her lip nervously. “She’s awfully sick, Jeff.”

  “I’m scared,” Chelsea admitted. “I thought she’d be better by now.”

  “Well, I think we should do something,” Lacey insisted.

  “Like what? Knock down the door and rip out her IV?” Jeff retorted.

  Katie hated to hear the two of them sniping at each other. Especially when she knew how they felt about one another. But Lacey wasn’t about to drop her guard around Jeff, and it was obvious that Jeff wasn’t going to allow himself to pine over Lacey. “Can’t you two stop arguing for one minute?” Katie asked. “Do you want the nurses to throw us out?”

  “Sorry,” Jeff mumbled.

  “Same,” Lacey said, turning toward the TV set that was broadcasting some game show on the other side of the room.

  When Amanda’s mother came into the waiting room, they clustered around her. She looked so worn and haggard, Katie almost cried. “She any better?” Katie asked, knowing the answer even before Mrs. Burdick shook her head.

  “Mandy hurts so bad. She’s so sick. She keeps begging the doctor to make her well. She wants to know when they’re going to stop torturing her.” Mrs. Burdick wrung her hands. “I can’t stand seeing her suffer like this. How do I know we’re doing the right thing? She’s in agony, and I feel like we’ve signed her over to some stupid experimental program that’s slowly killing her.” She bent her head and wept softly in her hands.

  Jeff put his arms around her. “You’re doing the only thing you can, Mrs. Burdick. I remember when I was about thirteen, and I had a bad bleed. They thought I was dying. My parents had to make some hard choices, but in the end, it turned out they made the right ones.”

  Katie saw a look of pure anguish on Lacey’s face as Jeff told his story.

  “I guess there is no right or wrong in this.” Mrs. Burdick’s voice sounded muffled. “I mean, there really weren’t any alternatives.”

  Katie and her friends returned to Jenny House that day without seeing Amanda. That evening, the night air turned chilly, and a fire was lit in the huge stone fireplace. Katie sat alone on the sofa and stared morosely into the flames.

  “You all right?” Mr. Holloway asked, coming and sitting beside her.

  She wiped moisture off her cheeks. “Not really.”

  “Anything I can do to help?”

  “Can you make Amanda well?”

  “ ’Fraid not.” He glanced up at the portrait of Jenny. “No more than I could have helped way back when.”

  His sadness was almost tangible, and Katie didn’t want him to dwell on it. “It’s August. You know what that means? We’ll all have to go home soon. I can’t stand to think about going off and leaving Amanda in that awful hospital.”

  “Jenny House will remain open. We have others coming in, even through the school year. You can come back any time you want, even if it’s just for a weekend.”

  Katie thought of her life back in Ann Arbor. In another month, school would start—her long lost senior year. And Josh was waiting for her. Although the rest of her life was waiting to happen, this summer and Jenny House would forever be a part of her. “I feel like someone’s put me on hold, like on the telephone. I keep waiting for them to come back on the line, but they don’t.”

  Richard chuckled, deep in his throat. “Haven’t we all felt that way at one time or another? Look here, I have something for you and your roommates.” He reached into
the breast pocket of his suit and pulled out an envelope.

  “What’s this?”

  “Copies of a photograph taken on the night of Chelsea’s birthday party.”

  Katie pulled one out and held it up to catch the firelight. In it, she and Lacey, Chelsea, and Amanda were standing in front of the stone hearth. Amanda was mugging outrageously, Chelsea looked radiant, Lacey beautiful, and she happy. Behind them was the birthday banner, and above them, Jenny gazed serenely down from her portrait. “I’d forgotten this was taken.” She smiled. “That sure was a great party.” It had also been the night Lacey had taught Amanda makeup tricks so that she could attract Jeff’s attention.

  “I thought you could give copies to the others. I’ve already had one sent to the hospital. It’ll be sterilized properly and put in Amanda’s room,” Richard explained.

  “You did?” His thoughtfulness touched her.

  “I know what friends mean to one another. Jenny taught me that.”

  “I’m going to give these to Chelsea and Lacey right now.” Katie jumped up from the sofa.

  “I think Chelsea’s down in the game room.”

  “Thanks. These are really special.” Katie hurried downstairs, and in the game room, she found Chelsea tethered to the virtual reality helmet. Katie interrupted the game to give her the photo.

  “I love it,” Chelsea said, setting down the helmet and gazing at the picture. “We all look so happy.” Her smile faded. “Not like now.”

  “Stop thinking bad thoughts,” Katie said. “This is going to end up all right.”

  “Do you really think so?”

  Katie was torn with anxiety, but she didn’t want to spread it to Chelsea. “So what adventure are you having?” She changed the subject.

  “I’m off to the moon.”

  “How is it?”

  “It’s a nice place to visit, but …”

  “… but you wouldn’t want to live there,” Katie finished with a giggle.

  Chelsea smiled. “Oh, Katie, I’m going to miss this game. Whenever I put on this helmet, I can go anyplace. My heart condition isn’t a problem. My health doesn’t matter. I’m going to miss Jenny House so much. And you.”

  “Me too. But VR is only a game. When you get your new heart, you won’t need the game.”

  Chelsea shook her head. “Every time I think about it, I get so scared.”

  “I know. I was scared too. But it worked out for me, and I think it’ll work out for you also.”

  “Did you know that the closest transplant center for me is the same one you went to?”

  “It is?”

  “I asked my mom when she called one time where I’d be sent, and she checked it out with my doctor. That’s what he told her. If I get approved for the transplant program, then I’ll be sent to Ann Arbor.”

  Katie felt a peculiar sense of excitement about the news. “I know that place like the back of my hand. If you come, I’ll be able to be with you through the whole thing.”

  “And you would stay with me, wouldn’t you?”

  “You need to ask?”

  Chelsea’s smile faded, and a look of apprehension crossed her face. “It’s so much to think about. An operation. A new heart. Being normal.” She gave Katie a shy glance. “So, tell me, will I get a guy like Josh in the deal?”

  “I can’t guarantee that,” Katie said with a laugh. “But I have lots of friends, and you’ll get to meet them all.”

  “Except for you, Lacey, and Amanda, I’ve never had any real friends. I mean, I’ve always been sick, and I couldn’t go to school. So, how was I going to make any?”

  The long and lonely life Chelsea had led bothered Katie. When she thought about the differences between their heart problems, she was glad that she’d had fifteen years of normal life before being struck by disaster. “Well, it’s like my One Last Wish letter said,” Katie told Chelsea. “Friends can’t make the pain go away, but it’s nice to know someone understands what we’re going through.”

  “You mean misery loves company?”

  Katie laughed. “Something like that.” She put her arm around Chelsea’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s go find Lacey and give her her photograph. I want the three of us to be together tonight.”

  “Me too,” Chelsea agreed. “And we’ll put the pictures on Amanda’s bed and pretend she’s with us also.”

  “She will be,” Katie said. “We’ll wish her here. Just like in the movies. Just like in a dream.”

  When they heard the news, everyone was upset. Amanda’s condition had worsened over the weekend. She had become septic as bacteria invaded her body in spite of all precautions. Katie learned that their friend’s heartbeat had grown irregular and that a crash cart had been placed in her room in case her heart stopped and she needed to be resuscitated. Katie and her friends practically lived in the hospital waiting room. And then, a week before they were all to return home, Amanda’s parents made a startling announcement.

  “We’re taking her off the experimental drug,” they said.

  Nineteen

  “OFF THE PROGRAM?” Katie asked, dumbstruck.

  Mrs. Burdick reached out and took her husband’s hand. “Amanda’s suffering horribly, and nothing is making her better. We discussed it with her doctors this morning, and we’re refusing further treatment.”

  “But we thought it was her only hope,” Lacey blurted.

  “As it turns out, this treatment isn’t as successful with Amanda’s type of cancer as it is with other types. We knew it was a long shot all along.”

  This part was news to Katie, and it sent a cold, sinking sensation through her stomach. A long shot all along … The words echoed in her head.

  “She begged us to stop,” Mr. Burdick continued quietly. His face looked desolate. “She said, ‘It’s not helping, Daddy, and I hurt so bad. Please, please make them stop.’ I can’t keep watching them do this to my little girl.”

  “But—” Lacey began again.

  Katie reached out and silenced her with a touch. “We want to go in and see her.”

  “That’s what she wants too,” Mrs. Burdick replied. “She wants all of you to come at once.”

  “All of us? Can we do that?” Chelsea’s voice quavered with her question.

  “You’ll have to gown up, but yes, it’s all right now.” Mrs. Burdick’s expression was serious, but Katie thought she somehow looked peaceful. It was as if now that the decision was made to end the experimental treatments, she’d found new courage to face what lay ahead for her family.

  Katie and the others dressed in the sterile gowns in the interlock, and except for the rustle of the paper coverings, there was silence. Just before they stepped into Amanda’s room, Katie said, “No crying. We have to be brave, and we can’t start blubbering and make her unhappy or scared. Agreed?”

  The others nodded.

  Katie led the way into the room. New pieces of equipment lined the walls, including what she recognized as a respirator. She wished she didn’t know so much about medical things. She crossed the room to Amanda’s bed. Amanda lay curled in a fetal position, so small and wan on the stark white sheets that it took Katie’s breath away. Her skin was bright yellow, jaundiced from a failing liver. Her thin hair looked stuck to her head, her cheeks were sunken, and her breath came in small gasps.

  Jeff crouched down and picked up Amanda’s hand. “Hi,” he whispered. “How’s my girl?”

  Amanda’s eyes opened slowly and focused on his face. “Not so good,” she whispered back.

  “We’re here, Mandy,” Chelsea said. “The whole gang of us.”

  Amanda rolled over and struggled to straighten out under the covers. Katie reached beneath the blankets and helped her. “Pillow,” Amanda said. Katie tucked an extra pillow under Amanda’s head to help prop her up. “Thank you.” Amanda glanced at each of them, stopping her gaze to take in every face. “I’ve sure missed you guys.”

  Katie fought against the lump in her throat, and when she was certain sh
e could control her voice, she said, “It’s just not the same at Jenny House without you.”

  “I don’t think I’ll be going back, though.”

  “I can’t see why,” Lacey announced crisply. “Take it from me, this place has nothing to recommend it.”

  Amanda managed a smile. “I’m sorry I look so bad. You taught me better. And I’ll try and shape up for the next time I see you.” Her words sounded slurred, and Katie knew that the pain medication was affecting her speech. She recalled the sensation vividly. It had been like trying to talk with a mouthful of peanut butter. She only hoped that the medication was doing its job and that Amanda wasn’t hurting.

  Jeff twined his fingers through Amanda’s. “You look fine to me.”

  “Am I still your girlfriend?”

  “Absolutely.” He flashed a cocky smile. “What a dumb question.”

  “Then you’ll do me a favor?”

  “Anything.”

  Amanda slowly unlaced her fingers from his and held his hand toward Lacey. “I want you to take special care of my friend for me. Take her out for that hamburger you promised to me.”

  Lacey recoiled, as if she’d been stung. “I can get my own dates,” she declared. “You don’t have to hand me your rejects.”

  Katie winced and wished Lacey would hush up. Jeff reached out and seized Lacey’s hand, so that Amanda could see it. He shot Lacey a withering look, and she clamped her lips tightly.

  Amanda turned her gaze toward Jeff. “She acts tough, but she’s not. You take care of her for me, all right?”

  “It’s a deal.”

  Lacey could no longer hold in her tears, and she began to shake with sobs. She threw her arms around Amanda. “I—I’m s-s-sorry—,…” Panic-stricken, she looked at Katie, backed away, and fled the room.