The Secret to Hummingbird Cake

by Celeste Fletcher McHale

  “Okay,” Laine’s voice said behind me. “You’ve said good morning to her. Bring her to me.”

  I kissed my baby again and walked back to the others. “Let’s go see Lainie,” I said. I looked down at Laine smiling and holding her thin arms out to cradle Elle. Dear God, she looked bad this morning. She was so thin, and the circles under her eyes were deeper and darker today. I placed Elle in her arms and sat on the chaise beside them.

  “How are you this morning?” I said.

  “I’m fine.”

  Always the same answer.

  Her breathing became more labored every day, and this morning seemed to be a particular struggle. I suspected the cancer was in her lungs now. She had begun coughing a couple of weeks ago, especially at night. She had practically stopped eating anything at all too. Mamie gave her meal replacement shakes that were very high in calories and vitamins, but she rarely finished drinking one. She had promised us months before that when the cancer became too much for her, too painful, she would ask Debra to sedate her. But until then, if she could stand it, she wanted to be aware. She wanted to let nature do what nature did. We sat in silence for a while, enjoying the morning, the smell of freshly cut hay, the sound of birds singing, and Elle’s baby sounds. An unflawed companionable silence where words weren’t necessary. My heart was full. It was a beautiful morning, indeed.

  Laine and Elle fell asleep, and I reached over to pick up the baby. Elle did her little baby scrunch again, arms over her head, legs doubled up beneath her, that made me feel like my baby had just accomplished some incredible feat, when in reality all she did was stretch. I was still sure my daughter scrunched better than any other baby in the world.

  Laine stirred slightly. “Is she asleep?”

  “She is,” I said. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “No, it’s fine. I need to talk to you and Ella Rae anyway.”

  Mrs. Diane got the hint and took Elle from me. “You girls stay on the porch and chat,” she said. “My granddaughter and I have things to do, don’t we, sweet girl?”

  I kissed Elle’s hand and sat back down on the edge of Laine’s chaise. Ella Rae pulled her chair closer to us.

  “Whatcha got, girl?”

  Laine took a short breath and looked at both of us a moment before she spoke. “It can’t be much longer now, right?” she said. “Maybe a week or two . . . if that.”

  Ella Rae began to cry, and I bit my lip until I was sure I tasted blood.

  “It’s okay, y’all,” Laine said. “Really it is. It’s kind of a relief. I’m tired . . . and I’m ready. Almost.”

  I didn’t reply. Ella Rae grabbed Laine’s hand but stared out across the field.

  “We always knew this was coming,” she said softly. “Please don’t get all weird and nervous on me now. You both promised. Remember?”

  I nodded my head and swallowed. She never failed to mention that stupid promise. Of course we knew it was coming. The knowledge permeated every hour of the day. But knowing it was coming did nothing to lessen the anxiety it brought or soften the blow it dealt.

  “Answer me,” Laine said.

  “Yes.” I choked on the words. “We knew it was coming. What can we do? What do you need?”

  Laine tugged at the afghan in her lap and seemed to struggle for words. “Look,” she said, “I don’t know if this is right or wrong. And I don’t even know if I should do this . . . but . . . I think I’d like to see Mitch. Do you think that would be possible?”

  I couldn’t have been more surprised. “I don’t know, Laine,” I said. “But we’ll surely do what we can to find him.”

  Ella Rae dabbed at her eyes and turned around to face us. “He’s in Dallas.” Laine and I stared at her, and she shrugged her shoulders. “The Internet is a wonderful thing.”

  “When . . .”

  “I started looking for him the day after you told us,” Ella Rae said. “I kept it to myself because you said you didn’t want to see him. But I kept thinking . . . maybe you’d change your mind.”

  “You sneak!” I said. “I didn’t know you had it in you to keep a secret that long!”

  Ella Rae smiled. “Me either.”

  “What did you find out?” Laine said. “Do you think he would come if I called him? Or maybe you could get an e-mail address?”

  Ella Rae looked down at her feet. “There’s more, Laine.”

  “What?” Laine said. “Is he okay?”

  Ella Rae looked up, her eyes brimming. “No,” she said. “I mean, yes, he’s okay, but . . . I sorta . . . Well, I already talked to him.”

  “What?” She shrugged again. “Nobody said I couldn’t call him. He wants to see you, Laine. He’s wanted to for a long time. Even before I called.”

  Laine looked stunned. “Swear!”

  “I swear,” Ella Rae said. “He said he would be by the phone waiting for my call.” She pulled a wrinkled piece of paper out of her pocket. “See? I keep his numbers with me all the time. Work, cell, home.”

  “But if he wanted to see me, why hasn’t he tried in all these years?” Laine said. “I mean, Bon Dieu Falls isn’t a huge place.”

  “He figured you were married now, with a house full of kids.” Ella looked away again. “He didn’t want to disrupt your life.”

  “And?” Laine said.

  “What do you mean, ‘and?’ ”

  “I mean, what are you not telling me?”

  “That’s it.” Ella Rae shifted in her chair. “He has no family left here, no ties, no way of knowing anything about you. That’s it.”

  That wasn’t it, though. I knew it and Laine knew it. Something about Ella Rae’s tone and body language belied her words.

  “Rae . . .,” Laine said, “don’t make me beg . . . please.”

  Ella Rae sighed heavily and she took Laine’s hand in hers. “Mitch and his wife divorced about a year and a half ago. He said the marriage had always been rocky, but he stayed for his son. And by the way, that is the only child he has. But he’s always thought about you and wondered where you were and what you were doing. He never forgot you, Laine.”

  Ella Rae paused for a second, but Laine urged her on. “Come on, Rae . . . just say it, whatever it is.”

  “He came looking for you last year.” Ella Rae started to cry in earnest then. “It was the same time you’d gotten sick and we were all at the hospital. He couldn’t find anyone he knew around here until he ran into Jeff Nealy at the post office. Jeff told him what had happened.”

  Laine’s lip trembled, and I took her other hand in mine.

  “He was crushed, Laine,” Ella Rae said. “I could hear it in his voice. He even went to the hospital and sat in the lobby for two days. He saw Carrigan and Jack in the parking lot one day but couldn’t make himself ask.”

  Laine started to cry, too, and I got mad, as usual. What a Greek tragedy this had turned into.

  “In the end, he thought it would be worse on you if he showed up then, so he went back to Dallas.” Ella Rae was sobbing now. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad at me. You said you didn’t want to see him . . . but then when I talked to him . . . I didn’t know what to do.”

  Laine shushed her. “Ella Rae, I’m not mad at you. You respected my wishes.” She dabbed at her tears. “This is just all . . . such a shock. So . . . so . . .”

  “Unbelievable.” I handed Laine the box of tissues from the wicker table beside us.

  “Yes,” she said, “the perfect word.”

  “I wanted to tell you,” Ella Rae said, “but he begged me not to. Not until you ask
ed for him. He texts me every day and asks how you are. I’m so sorry, Laine.”

  Laine closed her eyes tightly and digested that information. “There is nothing to be sorry about.”

  This had to be gut wrenching for Laine. Just the “what might have been” part of it was breaking my own heart. She was getting screwed out of a life, and now she’d gotten screwed out of ever having the one man she ever loved. I wanted to scream, for her and for me. At that moment, I was intensely aware of all the things I didn’t deserve that had landed in my lap.

  Laine gathered her composure and looked over at me. “How do I look?”

  I blinked. “The truth or a lie?”

  “Truth,” she said, “always.”

  I shot the arrow. “You are still beautiful,” I said. “And you look like you may be fighting a really hard battle right now.”

  Ella Rae stood up. “He knows the score, Laine,” she said. “He understands what’s going on.”

  “Laine,” I said, “you really are still beautiful.”

  Ella Rae got her phone from her pocket. “The text has been written for weeks,” she said. “All I have to do is hit Send.”

  Laine drew in a breath as deeply as she could. “Send it.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “Hold still,” I said.

  “I’m trying to,” Laine said, “but you’re pulling my hair.”

  “Because you won’t sit still.”

  “Why won’t you let me look in the mirror?”

  “Because I’m not finished,” I said. For the tenth time. “And just so you know, your hair is gorgeous. Looks just like it always did.”

  “And I kept it too.” She winked.

  I smiled but didn’t answer. We had never exactly seen eye to eye on the chemo thing, so I didn’t comment on remarks like that. No way was I going to stir any pots today. Mitch Montgomery answered Ella Rae’s text message in less than thirty seconds. Now, two days later, he was on the road, due to arrive within the hour. The mood in Laine’s bedroom this morning was euphoric. We’d even gotten her to eat a few bites of scrambled eggs at breakfast and drink half her juice. That itself was a cause for celebration.

  My mother picked Elle up earlier and took enough frozen milk to last the whole day. We ran everybody else out of the house so Laine and Mitch could be alone. But Ella Rae and I were staying, just in case she needed us. We’d decided to make a day of it on the sunporch.

  Ella Rae held up two shirts. “Purple or blue?”

  “Purple,” Laine and I said in unison.

  Ella Rae pulled a chair up in front of Laine. “I’m gonna start your makeup,” she said. “Don’t whine.”

  “I’m not gonna whine,” Laine whined.

  “See!” Ella Rae said. “You have done this our whole lives. Somebody comes at you with a powder puff and you automatically start.”

  “Fine,” Laine said. “I won’t talk at all.”

  “That would be great.”

  “Did you hear that, Carrigan?” Laine said.

  “You just talked,” Ella Rae said. “Now close your mouth and let me work.”

  Fifteen minutes later, I pronounced her perfect. “You may turn around now.” I spun her around in the swivel chair to face the mirror.

  “Wow,” she said. “I don’t even look sick any more! My eye circles are gone too! I look amazing.”

  I turned so she wouldn’t see my expression. She did look amazing. Her hair was still thick and beautiful. And Ella Rae had done a masterful job camouflaging her hollow cheek bones and the dark circles under her eyes. But she was so thin it startled me. Debra had begun helping her bathe a few weeks ago as well as dress in the mornings and undress at night. I hadn’t seen her without clothes on until this morning. Her bones protruded under her skin so that she resembled a refugee from a concentration camp. “You look beautiful,” I said.

  “You do,” Ella Rae said. “Now, come on, it’s getting close. Let’s get you dressed.”

  I had made a flying trip to Shreveport and bought three different outfits for her. I knew she’d want jeans, so I got different styles in each pair and shirts and summer cardigans in every color I could find. She chose a pair of jeans with rhinestone pockets to go with the lavender top and a purple cardigan. She’d always worn a size eight. I had bought a size two and they were a little loose. But she looked pretty, and more importantly, she felt pretty, and that made all the difference.

  Poppa Jack’s dogs started barking. I glanced at my watch. Mitch was right on time. We walked Laine into the living room and settled her on the sofa. I fluffed her hair around her, gave her a quick hug, and met Ella Rae at the door to greet Mitch Montgomery.

  “Hey,” Laine said, “thank you both. For everything. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “Well, lucky for you, you never have to find out.”

  Ella Rae and I walked out on the porch and waited as Mitch walked up the driveway. He was taller than I remembered, and his hair was short now but still curly. He was a very handsome man. He stepped onto the porch and extended his hand.

  “Carrigan,” he said, “you look exactly the same.”

  “Thank you. I only wish that were true.” I smiled at him and took his hand. “I’m glad you’re here, Mitch.”

  He looked over at Ella Rae. “May I hug you?” Ella Rae opened her arms to him.

  “I can never thank you enough for calling me.” His voice was thick with emotion. “I’ll never be able to repay you.”

  “I just wish it could’ve been sooner,” Ella Rae said. “She’s awfully weak.”

  He looked worn and worried. “I have a lot of regrets,” he said. “If I could go back and do things differently—”

  “Stop,” I said. “We all have things we’d like to take back or do over, I assure you. It doesn’t matter. You’re here now.” I couldn’t believe I had said that to Mitch Montgomery. Just a few months earlier I had wanted to strangle him with my bare hands in front of God and everybody. But he was here to make our girl happy. If only for a little while. And that was good enough for me.

  “She’s in the front room on the sofa,” Ella Rae said. “Go on in.”

  Ella Rae and I sat on the porch swing when he went inside. Before long, we could hear muffled crying from both of them. It was sweet and awful and heartbreaking all at once. I was dying to look in the window.

  Ella Rae must’ve read my mind because she was suddenly racing to the window. “I can’t help it,” she said. “I have to see!” She peered into the window and said, “Awww . . . Carri, come look.”

  They were wrapped in an embrace; Laine was practically in his lap. I couldn’t see her face, but his was twisted in tears and regret. It’s funny how you can read things on people’s faces when you’ve been through it too. You can see the pain, the sorrow, the regret, and you can recognize it easily because you’ve seen it in your own mirror. My heart ached for him. Years ago he did the right thing and gave up the person he loved to be with the ones who needed him. I had to respect him for that. He loved Laine, which was evident. Maybe he’d gone about it all wrong. Maybe it hadn’t started under stellar circumstances, but I was absolutely not sitting in a place to judge anybody’s decisions.

  Mitch and I were a lot alike. He’d ended up in the arms of the love of his life and so had I. Only I had gotten the fairy tale and he’d gotten the Greek tragedy. Life could be both beautiful and cruel.

  “Come on.” I caught Ella Rae’s hand. “This isn’t our moment.”

  We walked back to the porch swing, her hand still in mine. I was so grateful Mitch had come. It was comf
orting to see Laine actually excited this morning. She had . . . I looked down. “What is wrong with your hands, Ella Rae?”

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “It’s like holding sandpaper,” I said. “What have you done?”

  She rubbed them together and made a face. “They do feel rough.”

  “Use some lotion. They feel positively reptilian,” I said, “and don’t touch me with them again.”

  Jack walked up the steps about the same time Ella Rae began rubbing her hands all over my face.

  “Stop it, sandpaper girl,” I said, trying to slap her hands off of me.

  “What are y’all doing?” Jack asked and stopped in front of us.

  “Feel her hands, Jack,” I said. “Touch him, Rae.”

  She moved her hands up and down Jack’s arms.

  “What’s wrong with you?” he asked. “You been using sandpaper on your hands?”

  “See,” I said.

  Jack walked up the steps and headed toward the door, but Ella Rae and I both shouted, “No!”

  “What?”

  “Laine and Mitch are inside. You can’t go in.”

  “I’m thirsty,” he said. “Can I go through the sunporch?”

  “No!”

  “Well, crap,” he said, “what am I supposed to drink?”

  Ella Rae pointed at my chest. “Drink from the fountain of homogenized,” she said.

  I slapped her hand as Jack laughed.

  “Go drink out of the hose,” I said.

  He grimaced. “Maybe the boys have something in the barn.” He started back down the steps. “You look good today, Mama.” He gestured toward the house. “Let me know how that goes.”

  I smiled. “Hurry home,” I said.

  “I will,” he told me.

  “Now,” I said and folded my arms, “if you’re gonna sit here, don’t touch me with those Brillo pads.”