“I’ve thought about you every day for five years, this isn’t how I expected us to meet again.”
“You’re sick,” I whisper.
It’s not a question, it’s a fact. He looks away a moment and I see him flinch. His broad shoulders hunch as he meets my gaze again.
“Yes.”
“What is it?” My voice comes out as an empty squeak.
“Lung cancer.”
Lung cancer? Lung cancer? No, that can’t be right. They have it wrong. He’s too young. He’s never smoked a day in his life. He’s always taken care of his body. It can’t be right.
“How? I don’t understand.”
He shrugs lightly. “I don’t know. It’s just there and I can’t change it.”
“How bad?” I rasp, swallowing my anxiety down as I prepare myself for his answer.
He doesn’t move his eyes from mine. “Three to six months with treatment, about a month without.”
My legs give way and I crumble to the floor in a heap. Tears thunder down my cheeks as his words sink in. Three to six months. Three to six months is all he has left. I feel a set of arms go around me and as soon as I breathe in that musky, minty scent, I know it’s Jase. He shouldn’t be comforting me, this isn’t how we should be reuniting. We should be screaming at each other, I should be slapping him and then we should be making up with tears and beers, not crumpled on the floor sobbing because he’s…no…I can’t say it. I won’t.
“Hey, shhh, it’s ok,” he soothes. Why is he soothing me? It’s not me who’s…no...god…no.
“Jase, please tell me it’s not real. This isn’t how it’s meant to go.”
“I’m ok with it Nevaeh, I’m ok, I’ve learned to...deal,” he says in a gruff voice so full of emotion it burns every part of my soul.
“Five years, and this is how we meet again? It’s not fair.”
He doesn’t answer, he just holds me. What is there to say anyway? Him leaving in comparison to this is like comparing a horse to a cat, there’s just no comparison. Him leaving is no more than a faded memory that really doesn’t hold a candle to this. I wonder how I even thought it was the worst feeling in my life, it’s definitely not. It’s so far from it, I feel childish even thinking it was.
“I’m so sorry Nevaeh,” he murmurs, rocking me slightly. “So sorry for running. So sorry for never coming back. I’ve regret it every day. I regret that I didn’t keep you for just a little longer, I left it until it was too late and my time was running out.”
“Jase no, don’t say that. We’re going to get you better, we’ll find a way,” I croak, my voice desperate.
Neither of us speak, we just sit on the floor wrapped in each other until a throat clearing behind us has us finally pulling apart. Jase stands, pulling me up with him. I see Doctor Wilson standing at the door, his dark eyes concerned as he rakes his gaze over us. Doctor Wilson is a very good Doctor and he’s the best in his field. He gives us a warm smile, and from this angle, his chocolate skin looks even darker. He’s a lovely man and very caring towards his patients, people come from miles away to be on his services. He’s just one of those Doctors you don’t see often. He cares.
“Mr Levanox, is everything ok?” he asks in his soft, velvety voice.
Jase nods, meeting my gaze. Seeing his eyes, seeing how sick he truly is, has my heart clenching so badly I have to pat my chest a few times, sure it’s going to just stop.
“Yeah Doc, Nevaeh here is a very old, dear friend. She didn’t know about the…Cancer.”
The Cancer. It doesn’t sound like anything serious, it’s just a word. Yet, it’s so extremely powerful. It’s one of those words you hear and it has you stopping what you’re doing. It’s a word that digs deep into your heart, making you realize what life is all about. It’s something you never want to be faced with.
“I’m so sorry,” Doctor Wilson says gently. “I just wanted to discuss your treatment plan with you.”
Jase stiffens and I swipe the tears drying on my cheeks away. Maybe there’s a way to save him, maybe there’s a chance. People recover from cancer all the time. They do. I’ve seen it. Sucking in a deep breath, I reach out and take Jase’s hand.
“Let’s see what he has to say.”
Shock washes over his beautiful features, as though he expected I would never stay after what he and Whiskey did all those years ago. I won’t leave Jase, though, because I know he’d never leave me, no matter what happened in the past. I’ll be here for him, because above all else he’s still my friend and that’s what he needs me to be for him right now.
“You’re staying?” he whispers.
I squeeze his hand. “I can’t believe you even have to ask.”
“After everything I did?”
I nod, feeling my heart break once more, but I squelch it. “I’m here, Jase, because you’re my friend and I won’t let you do this alone. I don’t care that we’ve been reunited for a whole of ten minutes. The past means nothing to me right now. Nothing.”
“Ok, so, if you want to lie down we’ll begin.” Doctor Wilson says, indicating the bed.
I help Jase to the bed and when he lies down, I stand beside the bed, putting a blood pressure monitor on his arm and taking his pressure as Doctor Wilson begins to speak.
“Ok Jase, we both know where you’re at with treatment, but now you’re here we’re going to try a few different things.”
“It won’t matter though, will it, I’m going to die anyway,” Jase says in a voice so void of emotion it scares me.
My hands stiffen and I struggle to inhale my next breath. Doctor Wilson smiles, he’s so professional, so calm, so in control.
“We’ll do everything we can.”
A stock answer. It’s not a yes or a no, it doesn’t give you hope or crush your faith, it basically just leaves you feeling exactly the same as you did a moment earlier. It leaves you wondering. It leaves you hoping. It leaves you believing there might be a way, that Doctors might just be the miracle you’ve asked for in your prayers. That there will be a new treatment. That something will come along and make this better.
“Now, you’ve had two surgeries to remove sections of your lungs. This is your second round of Chemotherapy, am I correct?”
Jase nods, his eyes never leaving mine. I can see how afraid he is, I know this is killing him but he’s keeping a brave face. He’s keeping a brave face when he should be breaking down. He’s so beautifully strong and it breaks my heart. It literally throbs so angrily I’m sure it’ll leap out of my chest and land on the floor.
“What I would like to try, is a little radiotherapy too, to try and increase the likeliness of removing more cells. I’m also researching more clinical trials we might be able to try.”
“What are my chances, with all these treatments? Be straight with me Doc?”
Doctor Wilson sits beside the bed and looks Jase right in the eyes. “You know the cancer has spread from your lungs Jase, you’re at stage four now, which makes the process a lot more difficult. With treatment, and good care, I believe your chances of beating this are less than 15%. I’m sorry Jase.”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. I grip Jase’s hand. “It’s still a chance, we can fight this.”
Jase smiles at me, but I can already see he’s given up. He can’t give up. He can’t. I have to make him believe he can do this, that he can fight this. With odds like that though, I know why he wants to give up.
“Sure,” he says. “We’ll fight.”
I don’t believe him, something inside me is screaming that he’s not telling me the truth.
“Ok Jase, we’ll get you up for your next round of chemotherapy in about an hour.”
I watch Doctor Wilson stand and turn towards the door. “Will you prep him, Nevaeh?”
“Yes sir.”
“Thank you, have you got any questions for me, Jase?”
Jase shakes his head. “I’ve asked them all, Doc.”
Doctor Wilson nods, then he turns and leaves
the room. I rush around, unable to meet Jase’s expression. I can’t look at him right now, how can I without bursting into a fit of uncontrollable tears? I grip his finger and quickly shove the monitor onto it, then I rush towards his chart, but before I get close enough, his hand lashes out and he grips me, hurling me back by his side.
“Hey, Nev, it’s ok.”
Ok? Ok? How is it ok? My best friend is more likely than not, going to die. How is that ok?
“Look at me, Nevaeh…”
God dammit. God dammit. I clench my eyes shut and my whole body trembles. There has to be a way, we will find a way. I can’t let him die, I can’t…he’s a part of me. He’s…he’s…god he’s everything. I don’t care about the past. I don’t care that he left me. I would take back all the angry thoughts I had about him if it meant he could just stay. I’d never even bring it up again. I’d do anything, god, anything in the world to make this ok. I have to have faith, I have to believe, I have to…
“Nevaeh, look at me.”
His voice is hard, determined and strong. I slowly turn and I let my eyes fall on the brown eyes that haunted me as a girl, the browns eyes I loved oh so much.
“Jase…”
It’s all I manage to get out before the tears fall, Jase pulls me onto the bed beside him and he wraps his arms around me. Now his body doesn’t seem so hard, it seems fragile to me, like if I move the wrong way he’ll break. He strokes his fingertips over my hair and breathes me in. I can hear his ragged breathing, and I know he’s trying to keep it together. He’s trying to be strong. He shouldn’t have to be strong. He should be allowed to fall apart…
“It’s going to be ok. I’m ok…”
“I can’t lose you Jase, five years was one thing, but…”
“Don’t,” he says in a soft voice. “Don’t say it, because if you say it then I can’t believe anymore and I need you to believe for me, Nev, I need you to believe this is going to be ok because I don’t have anyone else to believe.”
I clench my eyes shut, he needs me to be strong, to fight for him. If that’s what he needs, I’ll do it.
“I’ll be anything you want me to be, Jase, anything.”
“That’s my girl,” he murmurs.
“Jase…does…”
“No, Nev, he doesn’t know I’m sick. I haven’t seen Whiskey for nearly five years now.”
I bolt up out of his arms and stare down at him. “What?”
He closes his eyes a moment. “Nev there’s something you don’t know, that night you and Whiskey…slept together…I saw it. I came home, I was going to see you and I saw it. I saw you in his arms, his body moving inside yours. I ran out and when Whiskey left your house, I bailed him up. We got into a massive fight. We both loved you Nev, but Whiskey…he didn’t want to share. He knew you loved me too, even though it was deeper with him. He knew you wouldn’t be able to choose and he also knew you couldn’t have us both. He wanted me to walk away, to let him love you, but I was too stubborn. I loved you too, Nev, and he didn’t want to give me a chance to show that. We got into a massive fist fight and it was at that moment we both realized, that one of us was going to get hurt, because we would ask you to choose. You would either say no to both, or you’d pick one and neither of us could live with that. He bolted, and so did I…it was easier that way. We couldn’t do it to you. We couldn’t make you choose. It wasn’t fair. So we let you go. We just…let you go.”
I swallow and my eye search Jase’s face over and over. I was the reason they left? Jase saw me with Whiskey? He was hurt? They fought? They left because they couldn’t ask me to make a choice? Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was coming to a blowout. Things were getting tense between us all as feelings grew. I knew I loved them both, and they knew it too. The closer we all got, the harder it would have been for any of us to walk away. So they made the choice for me. They let me go.
“I ruined your relationship,” I whisper. “It was my fault?”
Jase sits up and grips my face. “No, you never ever made us choose, Nev. We were the ones that fell in love, it wasn’t anything you did. You never lead us on, you always gave us an equal amount of love and friendship. We let it get to us, it wasn’t on you.”
“I should have never let that night happen, Jase, I shouldn’t have ruined the friendship by sleeping with Whiskey. I should have never let us get over that line, then it would have never changed. I should never have acted like a horny little…”
“Don’t,” he hisses. “Don’t you dare call yourself any sort of name. You and Whiskey had every right to do what you did. Every dammed right. We should have never let ourselves get so tangled up. We did what was best at the time, but it turns out that wasn’t the best choice in the long run.”
“You didn’t think to let me decide what I wanted, before you both ran and broke my heart? You never even said goodbye. I woke in the morning and you were gone!”
“We were in love with you, Nev, we both knew we couldn’t just move on from it. Neither of us could have survived if you had chosen between us. It was…it was just too dangerous.”
“I loved you both, you know that?” I whisper, taking his hand and stroking my fingers over his palm.
“I know that, so did Whiskey.”
“You have to find him Jase, he needs to know…”
“I’ve tried,” he sighs. “Whiskey doesn’t want to be found. I can’t…I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been so sick, there’s only so much I can do.”
“Your parents?”
“They haven’t seen or heard from him.”
“Friends?”
“Tried them all.”
“God, there has to be a way Jase, he has to know.”
“I’ll keep trying, Nev, I will…”
“No,” I whisper, stroking a finger over his cheek. “I’ll find him, you just concentrate on getting better ok?”
He gives me a weak smile and I can see he’s tired. He begins coughing and the sound of his barking, strangled cough has my heart aching. I slip out of the bed, knowing full well I’m taking up way too much time in this room with him. I rub his back and put an oxygen mask on him, helping him until his coughing subsides. I know I have to leave him, I have to do my job, I can’t let my work slip, but I don’t want to leave him alone. I lean down and check Jase’s obs again before preparing anything that needs to be done for his chemo session. When he’s ready to go, I lean in and I kiss his clammy forehead.
“You rest handsome, I’ll come sit with you after my shift.”
He smiles weakly. “You don’t have to hang around by my bedside.”
I grip his face. “Yeah I do.”
His eyes search my face. “Thank you Nev, for being here, I…couldn’t have asked for anyone better to be by my side. “
“Always, Jase.”
“Find Whiskey for me,” he whispers.
“I promise you.”
And with that, I turn and leave the room, wondering if I’ve made a promise I couldn’t keep.
Chapter 2
Gathering swabs and cleaning equipment, I make my way towards the dreaded Mrs Anderson. The woman knew how to wind up every nurse in this ward, and she did it well. When I reach her room, I take a deep breath and walk inside. She’s sitting on her bed, knitting. She’s eighty years old, with grey curly hair, big framed glasses and a frail old body. She would look like a sweet grandmother to most, that is until she opens her mouth. The woman really doesn’t know when to stop. When she notices me, she puts her knitting down and turns up her nose. Really? We’re going there?
“Mrs Anderson, how are you?” I smile forcefully. “I need to change your Dressing.”
Giving me the glare of all glares, she proceeds to inform me that, “The other nurse already checked it.”
Inwardly sighing, I place the clean dressings on the table beside her bed. “Yes, but it’s scheduled to be changed. You don’t want an infection do you?”
She crosses her arms defensively across her chest. “The
nurse checked it, if I get an infection it’s on her.”
Closing my eyes and trying to gather some calm, I widen my fake smile. “Mrs Anderson, I appreciate that the other nurse has checked it, but I’m here to change it. I have to change it because if I don’t you will get an infection and have to go back into surgery, which will mean you’ll have to stay here even longer and that’s not what you want, is it?”
She frowns at me. “Well no…”
“Then if you’ll be so kind, I really do need to change this dressing.”
Grumbling, she lifts her shirt. Finally. The woman can be a handful. I get her Dressing changed with as little fuss as possible which was a task due to the fact that she flinched and jumped every time I put my hands on her. I gather up the bandages and head out of the room to throw them away. I check on my other three patients before my shift is finished. Happy they’re all content and taken care of, I head to the reception desk to sign out for the day. I’m looking forward to going and seeing Jase again.
Once I’m all signed out, I gather my things and head to the ladies room to get changed. I strip out of my uniform and pull on some slacks and a tank top. I brush my hair and tie it back up before heading back out to hand over my patients to the night nurse. I see Tanya just as I’m heading to Jase’s room. She looks flustered, her cheeks are rosy red and her eyes are bloodshot. She really does work far too hard, she never stops or takes a break. She’s all go, that girl.
I smile at her. “Hey Tan, are you ok?”
“Yeah, just a busy day. Hey, your boy is back from chemo, he’s quite sick.”
My chest seizes. “I’m going to see him now.”
She raises her brows. “You need to go home Nev, you can’t stay here.”
I wave my hand about, dismissing her concern. “I will, I just want to make sure he’s ok.”
She gives me a narrow glare and then nods. “If I come in for my shift tomorrow and you’re sleeping beside his bed, I’m going to kick your ass.”
Three Hearts One Soul (The Soul Series #1) Page 2