Fantasy Online Polynya

by Harmon Cooper

  A female elf shoulders through the Mitherfickers, tossing Hiccup into a stand outside of a souvenir shop.

  “Fick!”

  A machete-wielding hairball with a distended belly turns the corner, his eyes angry and bloodshot. He raises his weapon into their air, stomps his foot and bellows, “STOP THAT THIEF!”

  Before she can get any further, the elf lifts into the air like a marionette. Ryuk looks to Zaena, and she nods.

  “I have her,” Zaena says as the female thief struggles to free herself.

  High Elf Level 15

  HP: 411/435

  MANA: 251/268

  ATK: 63

  MATK: 78

  DEF: 55

  MDF: 106

  LUCK: 19

  A high elf? Ryuk slowly brings his marble gun out and trains it on her. FeeTwix has done the same with his SPAS-12 shotgun.

  A Player Character too, Ryuk thinks, referring to the icon above her head.

  The elven female’s hands begin to charge with blistering white energy.

  With a pumping action, FeeTwix loads a round into his shotgun. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

  A crowd has begun to form, but it isn’t as large as one would expect. This area is accustomed to street brawls, thinks Ryuk as he takes a few steps back, just to give himself some range. Proximity is important, and he quickly pops the molten black mag out of his Marble Gun and goes for his mag of sword marbles instead.

  The high elf and Zaena share similar dancer bodies with thin torsos, larger hips and muscled calves. Where they differ is skin tone. Zaena’s green color is a far cry from the elf’s pallid skin tone. Her orange hair and slitted orange eyes are at odds too with the elf’s blonde locks pulled into a single large braid and the elf’s soft blue eyes.

  “You’ll be coming with me, missy, and I can’t wait for my boys to have their way with you.” The hairy, machete-wielding man produces a pair of handcuffs and licks his lips. “But daddy gets to go first.”

  As if on cue, Machete Man’s three sons slide to a halt behind him. The family shares the ugly gene, and it appears to get worse as they age.

  The oldest brother has a braided mullet and a beard peppered with bits of dried food. The middlest brother, sporting a Captain Kangaroo hairdo, is missing an eyebrow due to a scar that runs from his forehead to his pockmarked cheeks. The youngest has yet to grow facial hair, but what he lacks in beard he makes up in missing teeth, pus-filled zits, and a harelip. All three of them have primitive swords, wooden shields, and old leather armor.

  Ryuk has been around Zaena long enough now to know when her konoshlo are retracting into her back. There’s a subtle change in the way she holds her shoulders, akin to the way a person with two arms looks when they lower their arms to their sides.

  She’s letting her go … Ryuk slowly aims his weapon from the female elf to the machete-wielding father and his butt fugly sons.

  “Who the fick tossed me into the souvenir stand?” Hiccup pushes his way past the family of miscreants and growls when he sees the elf. “Some thief you are!” he tells the elven female, oblivious to the man directly behind him holding a machete. “Next time you run through a crowd, remember not to plow through them, rather roll off them.”

  “Move it, goblin!” Machete Man growls.

  Hiccup’s tomahawk appears in his mechanical hand. “Is it you who said that to me,” he says, pointing the little tomahawk at Machete Man, “or was it one of your fickin’ inbred kids? Look, boys, you see now what happens when you fick your sister after your mom had you by fickin’ her brother? Bad idea, huh? When does the chain of inbreeding end? Sad!”

  Hiccup’s face morphs from anger to general confusion.

  “Where the fick was I? Where’s Twixy?” He turns his back to his opponents and gives FeeTwix a big grin.

  Dammit, Hiccup!

  “Twixy! You won’t believe what I stole from that souvenir shop!” He produces a miniature gold statue of Empress Thun as he makes his way to the side of the Mitherfickers. “And look at the gazongas they put on this one!”

  FeeTwix’s shotgun disappears and he steps forward with his shaman staff. “Not now, Hiccup.”

  (0)__(0)

  “I cannot allow you to take the elf,” FeeTwix says, his eyes black as a starless night. “Leave now, before this gets ugly.”

  Machete Man Level 5

  HP: 150/150

  ATK: 36

  MATK: 18

  DEF: 54

  MDF: 32

  LUCK: 3

  Piece of cake. Ryuk quickly glances at his sons’ stats to find that they are all equally leveled or lower.

  “What are you going to do with that staff, part the waters?” Machete Man asks as his sons cackle behind him. “Ha! The Endless Sea is down there!” He flips the bird at FeeTwix and points it downward.

  FeeTwix starts whispering some mantra as he steps forward.

  “What the hell?” Machete Man asks as FeeTwix nears him.

  “McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale; McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale. #FeeTwixRox at counter; #FeeTwixRox at counter. McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale … ”

  Whack!

  -52 HP! Critical hit!

  FeeTwix knocks the living shit out of Machete Man with the end of his shaman staff. He twists the staff, dips back on his heel into a warrior pose, releases a gut-wrenching war cry, and drives the staff into the big man’s gut.

  -29 HP!

  “Fick yeah, Twixy!”

  Zaena brushes past Hiccup and spins forward to meet two of the three brothers with her wall of blades.

  Seeing his opening, the gaseous goblin goes to meet the youngest of the bunch. His tomahawk smashes into the young man’s shield, splintering it to pieces. The youngest swings his crappy sword overhand. Hiccup sidesteps his attack and brings his ax into an exposed bit of flab sticking out of the guy’s loose leather chest plate.

  -38 HP!

  The Mitherfickers have this, and just to make sure that the high elf doesn’t go anywhere, Ryuk trains his marble gun on her for the second time in the last few minutes.

  She glances at him, sees the weapon, and from there turns her attention to Yangu the dragon.

  “You have a dragon?” she mouths.

  Sure enough, Yangu’s neck is extended over his shoulder, the dragon’s gaze honed in on Zaena, who continues to toy with the two inbred brothers.

  With a smile on her face, the Thulean assassin slices through space and time, giving them two small nicks and avoiding their swipes at the very last moment. Her plan comes to fruition when the biggest of the two rears back with his sword and brings it down on his brother, Zaena stepping aside just in time.

  Fratricide!

  She quickly takes the head of the bigger one and it flies into the stand outside the souvenir shop.

  Instakill!

  “Hell yeah, babe, fatality!” FeeTwix delivers the finishing blow to Machete Man around the same time Hiccup finishes bashing the youngest brother’s skull in with his tomahawk. It is a bloody, gory mess by the time the Mitherfickers have finished cleaning shop.

  “Now,” FeeTwix turns to the high elf as EXP is doled out, “tell us why we just protected you.”

  Hiccup immediately begins checking their corpses for loot, cursing and rattling off about Hyperborea country folk each time he comes up empty-handed.

  “My name is Enway Zoltan.” The elven woman’s ears press back and she moves closer to Ryuk. “Is that really a dragon?”

  “No, it’s a baby Thulean. Why the fick haven’t we killed her yet too?”

  “Relax, Hiccup.”

  “Just disappointed. These fickers don’t have shit!”

  Zaena approaches, all but one of her swords sheathed. She sizes Enway up – she’s only a few centimeters taller than the high elf – and takes her place next to FeeTwix.

  “Cheap ficks,” Hiccup laments, “where’s the family fortune?” The goblin kicks one of the bodies he’s just ch
ecked. His stomach grumbles, and an eruption from his nether cheeks quickly follows.

  “You won’t find anything on them aside from a few rupees, goblin,” says Enway. “If you’re looking for their loot … ” She raises her finger to access her inventory list and thinks otherwise.

  Hiccup points his tomahawk at her. “First – and I’m fickin’ serious here, people – the name is Hiccup. Spell it out with me now: H-I-C-C-U-P. Ha! You ever heard this one, Twixy? I-C-U-P, get it?” He glances to FeeTwix for approval and gets a tight nod.

  “Don’t mind him,” Zaena says.

  “It’d be in your best interest to mind me.” Hiccup’s tomahawk disappears and he approaches the elf with his hands outstretched. “Now if you have some loot, cough it up. Otherwise, I will personally see to it that your body is left here with the other bad hombres.” He turns to Ryuk. “These fickers were bad hombres, right?”

  Enway giggles. “Where did you learn Spanish?”

  “Spanish? What the fick are you going on about?”

  Bad what? Ryuk considers for a moment that for an NPC, Hiccup sure uses a lot of words, either correctly or incorrectly, that even he has never heard before. Something cold brushes against his neck, interrupting his thought. “Relax, Yangu,” he whispers. The baby dragon yawns and blows a needle-thin icicle into the air.

  “How cute! Can I hold it?” Enway takes a step closer to Ryuk.

  “Finish answering his question first.” Ryuk nods to FeeTwix.

  “Yeah,” the Swede says, “why were they chasing you? What is it you stole from them?”

  “They stole from me and I stole it back from them.”

  “What did they steal exactly?” Out of the corner of his eye, Ryuk sees Hiccup giving him the ‘wrap it up’ signal. The goblin points to an invisible watch, he then makes the hand gesture of a bird flying.

  “We need to get to Polynya,” Ryuk says.

  “And quick too!” Hiccup adds. “Captain Rehab doesn’t wait for anyone!”

  “What are the odds? That’s where I was planning to go! I need to return to Katiyana, my village.” Her nearly translucent blue eyes lock onto Ryuk. “Would you guys care to join me there?”

  Quest: Will you accompany Enway Zoltan to her village?

  Rewards: Possible level-ups and the other benefits associated with companionship.

  Risks: Typical risks associated with joining up with an unknown traveler.

  With a flick of his finger, the map of Polynya pops up. Katiyana isn’t far from Porthos. The original plan was to head to Talini, but this could work too …

  Ryuk fires off a message to the guild.

  Ryuk: What do you think?

  FeeTwix: My fans have pulled some data on her. She seems genuine. We’ll keep an eye on her.

  Zaena: I’m fairly certain the catacombs connect Katiyana to Porthos, so there’s bound to be a way to the city through there.

  “Fine, fine.” Ryuk accepts the quest.

  Enway Zoltan, Level 15 White Mystic, has temporarily joined your guild!

  “She’s part of our guild now?” The goblin turns to Ryuk and shakes his head bitterly. “I’ve said this once, and I’ll fickin’ say it again until it sticks: whatever happened to extreme vetting?”

  With that, Hiccup throws his hands into the air and presses forward.

  (0)__(x)

  Hiccup’s relation with Captain Rehab of the Pequod offers the goblin yet another chance to prove his worth to the Mitherfickers.

  As soon as they approach the ship and the captain spots them, he welcomes the goblin with open arms. Captain Rehab is a portly fellow with two peg legs, two parrots, and no hooks. That said, he does have small brooch featuring a pair of crossed hooks pinned to his lapel.

  The Pequod is ramshackled and pieced together, with patched over dents in its hull, a deck in need of a good scrubbing, and a rudder that flaps in the wind like the tail of a fifteen-year-old pooch.

  The private suite given to the Mitherfickers, however, is “the cleanest on the ship” according to Captain Rehab, and he isn’t far off. The suite is comfortable and clean, with a hint of lemon in the air.

  Ryuk takes a seat on a bench beneath a porthole and Enway soon joins him. He places the backpack containing Yangu between them, and she goes to town cuddling and tickling the baby ice dragon.

  Meanwhile, Hiccup sets up shop at a table at the far end of the room with his partner in crime, FeeTwix. Zaena joins them, taking a seat on FeeTwix’s lap.

  “Get your jewelry out,” Hiccup announces. “You too, Marbles.”

  “I don’t have any jewelry,” he reminds the goblin.

  “Like fick you do. A nancy boy like yourself probably has a toe ring, at the very least.”

  Ryuk clenches his fists together.

  “Whatever, suit yourself. What about you, Elfy?”

  “The name is Enway, goblin.”

  “The name is Hiccup, Elfy,” he growls. “We clear here? Or do I need to spell it out again?”

  Enway gives Ryuk a pained expression.

  “He grows on you, trust me,” Ryuk assures her.

  “Sorry, Hiccup, fresh out of jewelry.” With that, Enway returns her attention to the baby dragon. “You’re a cutie, yes you are!”

  “For fick’s sake.” A pair of cards appears in Hiccup’s mechanical hand. “What about you, Twixy? You got anything?”

  George the Fourth’s State Diadem appears on the table. The crown is covered in over 1,000 diamonds, all of them Proxima cubic zirconia. Of course, Hiccup doesn’t know this. He’s practically drooling on the crown as he snatches it from the Swede and turns it over in his hands.

  “This is fickin’ beautiful, Twixy!” Hiccup places the crown on his head. “Fick you, Liz. I’m king around here. Take your reptilian ass below deck!”

  Zaena pinches Hiccup’s cheek with her ghost limb and he cries out in pain.

  “Fick, that stings!”

  “Viewer surge!” A mirror appears in FeeTwix’s hand while Hiccup tries on the crown. “Hey peeps, speaking of diamonds, if you’re into conflict-light diamonds, check out De Beers latest collection! What’s conflict-light, you ask? These diamonds are mined in areas that have 50% less conflict than other parts of Africa! What says ‘goodbye life savings’ better than a diamond? De Beers is proud to offer fans of my channel 3% off at checkout and free shipping, just mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout. Don’t forget – they now sell high quality cubic zirconia pieces too! A jeweler can’t even tell the difference on these ones!”

  “Wait a fickin’ minute … ” Hiccup removes the diamond studded crown from his head and examines it for a moment. His pulls his toe knife from the shiv on his belt and points it at FeeTwix. “You tryin’ to pull a fast one on me, pretty boy?”

  FeeTwix looks to Zaena and they both laugh. “That’d be such a funny fight,” Zaena says, practically beside herself. “You’d kill him nine times before he could even jab at you with that pathetic little knife!”

  “I already have my weapon out, Liz.” Hiccup stabs the toe knife into the table so it sticks vertically out of its surface. He tosses the crown to the floor. “If we’re going to play this game, I want some real jewelry.” He looks the Thulean over for a moment. “Howzabout your necklace, the one from that other world?”

  “Unigaea,” Ryuk says. “The necklace is from Unigaea.”

  “Sounds like a good name for a nancy boy club. Necklace or no game, Liz.”

  “Fine,” Zaena says, suddenly growing combative.

  She whips off the necklace given to her by FeeTwix, which was a hand-me-down from Hiccup. As she dangles it in the air above the goblin’s head, Ryuk recalls the two gnomes in Kayi who gave it to them..

  “What do you wager, goblin?” asks Zaena.

  “Are they always this tense?” Enway rocks the baby dragon in her arms, tickling its belly.

  “Yes, but I can never tell if they’re playing or not.”

  A jewelry box appears on the table. “How’s that?”
/>
  The jewelry box floats off the table as Zaena examines it with her konoshlo. “This … is ancient.”

  “Fick yes it is, and some poor sap is going to be missing it once they respawn in Kayi, but that’s beside the point.”

  The thought strikes Ryuk. If Hiccup stole both items during the zombie outbreak in Kayi, that means … Ryuk chuckles to himself. The damn goblin.

  “What about you, Twixy, whatchoo got?”

  “Fine, fine. I have something that I think you especially will find valuable.”

  “Better be shiny.”

  FeeTwix turns his palm around and a small, wooden horse pixilates into shape.

  “A horse toy?” Hiccup glances at the toe knife. “Do we need to go over this again?”

  “Not any horse. Remember this one, from when we faced off against the ink shadow?”

  “Nope, and fick ink shadows. You know how I feel about those fickers.” The goblin plays his best poker face. “You got me, Twixy. What’s with the horse toy?”

  “If there is magic at play, the horse’s mane will melt away.”

  Hiccup’s eyes go wide. “You mean like … like it is now?”

  The three of them turn to Enway. Zaena is the first to have her swords up.

  “I just wanted you guys to get along better,” Enway says, her eyes completely white. She still holds Yangu, who is oblivious to the fact that Zaena has pulled her weapons.

  “No mystic shit, Elfy,” Hiccup says, Frank’s toe knife in his hand.

  “So this is mystic magic,” FeeTwix mumbles. His eyes flash as he reads messages from his closest fans. “It’s similar to mind magic but more … spiritual.”

  Enway’s eyes return to their natural blue color. “Sorry. It was just a little spell I’ve been playing with that makes people feel lighthearted.”

  Zaena nods and returns her focus to the game. FeeTwix does the same after holding Enway’s gaze a moment longer.

  “Whoopty-fickin’-doo. Let’s get this party started.” Hiccup stabs his toe knife back into the table. “You should be sorry, damn near ruined a game of Three Cards. Also, I need you two to get out some knives.”

  Zaena produces a throwing knife and FeeTwix produces his mutant hack Bowie knife.