Fantasy Online Polynya

by Harmon Cooper

  “I run a rare artifact shop in Katiyana,” she says, “and I don’t steal everything. Lots of the stuff I find, other things I buy, and still other things I trade for.”

  “Any weapons in your shop?” FeeTwix asks.

  “None at the moment, but I recently traded a Metal Chocobo for a Cape Feather, which seems to be broken as I’m not able to fly when I equip it – but anyway, yeah, sorry. No weapons. There aren’t a lot of weapons in the town, mainly due to our ability to perform magic, none of which seems to have any effect on the wolf.”

  “The wolf?” the Swede asks.

  She hesitates before she says, “We have a wolf.”

  “Just one?” Hiccup asks.

  “Yes, just one, but it is a big one, I’m talking pony-sized here, and it has been terrorizing the town mostly for food.”

  FeeTwix and Ryuk trade glances. FeeTwix asks, “And the elves aren’t able to stop it?”

  “Not yet. High elves are high elves for a reason.”

  “And that reason is?”

  “Well, in Tritania, it means we mostly stick to nonlethal magical classes, like white magic or mystic. There are a few other incarnations, but you get the picture. Plus, and this is a big plus, everyone is scared of it.”

  “And pussy poofters can’t kill a fickin’ wolf?” Hiccup laughs. “That’s about the most pathetic thing I’ve heard all week, and remember, I’m in a guild with a dude that shoots marbles.”

  “Quiet, Hiccup!”

  “Easy, kid, I’m just fickin’ with ya.”

  “It’s a big wolf,” Enway says, her face hardening.

  “The big bad wolf comes to town and suddenly all the little Keebler elves are pissin’ their pants. SAD!” Hiccup slaps his leg with his mechanical hand, winces as he realizes he’s hit himself too hard, and goes about rubbing the spot he’s just slapped to alleviate the pain.

  “Let’s go, boys!” Marty the Gnome flicks the reins on the two shire horses pulling the wagon and they pick up their pace.

  “Rid the town of the wolf, huh? It sounds like something we’d be able to do,” FeeTwix says.

  Ryuk agrees with him. “We need to get to Porthos. We originally thought we’d see what we could do in Talini. I’m sure they have access to the catacombs, but Katiyana does as well.”

  Enway’s brow furrows and she bites her bottom lip.

  “It’s possible, right? We can use the catacomb entrance in your village, can’t we?”

  “Access to the catacombs from Katiyana isn’t something that is ever granted to outsiders,” she says firmly.

  “Well, if we kill the big bad wolf you elves are too lily-livered to handle yourself, I’d fickin’ bet my chalupa that everyone, including all the haters ‘cause lord knows there are a ton of haters in Elftown, will consider us heroes, which trumps the ‘outsider’ moniker.”

  Enway cracks again. “Really, calling it a chalupa just sounds so strange. Where did you learn Spanish?”

  “I don’t speak Spanish,” Hiccup growls, “I speak Mexican.”

  “Mexicans speak Spanish.”

  Hiccup raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?”

  “Have you ever even seen a map of our world, Hiccup?” FeeTwix asks.

  The goblin blinks his eyes rapidly. “What was that? What are we talking about? Shit, I’m thirsty.” He equips a healing potion and starts unscrewing the cap.

  “Faker!” Zaena points at Hiccup’s face. “You know exactly what we’re talking about!”

  “Jeez, Liz, get off my sack already, and no, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Ever heard of the Tritanian Disability Discrimination Act? You’d better read up, ‘cause fickin’ with someone with early onset Goblinheimer’s is a form of discrimination. So watch it, or lawyer the fick up, Lizzy!” He guzzles the healing potion and throws the bottle out of the wagon.

  “No littering!” Marty calls out.

  Zaena laughs. “You lying sack of goblin shit. You know exactly what FeeTwix asked you.”

  “Maybe I did, but I don’t now because we started arguing. Okay, so I was faking, you got me. Fine. But seriously. What the hell were we just talking about?”

  “I’ll show him a map of the world, our world,” FeeTwix says, and before he can lift his finger to access his list, one of Marty’s horses neighs, rears back, and shits himself as a large black ghoul swoops over the wagon.

  “Fick me!” Hiccup screams like a sissy and tries to crawl under the seats. “Magic Gorgers!”

  The gorger cries out like a banshee, its face a visage of pain and suffering as it comes back in towards the wagon.

  FeeTwix leaps out of the moving cart, hits the ground, rolls once, and comes up with a R201 Carbine. The stock goes in his armpit and he unleashes a hail of bullets at the flying wraith. Another wraith appears and once his mag is spent, FeeTwix tosses it aside and quickly goes for another.

  “Whoa! Whoa!” The horses neigh and kick their feet as Marty tries to get hold of them. “Stop shooting your damn alien weapon!”

  From her place in the wagon, Zaena tries to swipe the Magic Gorgers out of the air with her swords.

  Hiccup screams again. “Fick me, Liz, you’re going to take someone’s head off!”

  Rather than respond, she steps onto the goblin’s body and up to the bench to give herself more leverage.

  “Hey!” Hiccup shouts as she springboards off his body and out of the wagon, performing an advanced display of aerial swordsmanship. The Thulean performs a superhero landing, and her limbs whip into the air as she goes for her patented blade-nado.

  “Stay here!” Ryuk shouts to Enway.

  “Fick!” Hiccup cries as a Magic Gorger shrieks past his face. “This isn’t the time to be a hero, Marbles!”

  “I can heal you guys,” Enway says, “just keep fighting!”

  “Fick no! That’s what they’re searching for. They’re Magic Gorgers, they thrive off magic power!”

  Ryuk strains to hear her reply over FeeTwix’s deafening metal percussion. The Swede finishes his mag and takes cover for a moment so he can go for a new weapon.

  “What about your slingshot?” Enway yells.

  “Fick, Marbles, you’re a magic user too, you dimwit!” The goblin looks up at him with panicked eyes. “But do something, kid, because … fick! Ghosts!”

  Another shrieking ghoul flies overhead followed a blazing green trail of energy. FeeTwix has a Proton Pack on his back now, and is trying to blast the Magic Gorger with a weapon Ryuk has never seen before.

  The Gorgers are fast, and as more start to arrive, it becomes increasingly apparent that nothing the Mitherfickers fling at them is going to stick. Ryuk again goes for his Marble Gun, only to have it swiped down by Hiccup.

  “What part of they’re magic gorgers do you not understand, Marbles!? They … thrive … off … magic!”

  FeeTwix dodges a Magic Gorger and leaps behind a small mound of dirt. He comes back up with a BT X-42 Heavy Flamethrower and attempts to toast the swooping wraiths. The Swede burns through the tops of the trees as he trails two of the deathly ghouls.

  “Enough!” Marty the Gnome hops down from his seat and walks around to the back of the wagon. “You were smart not to use any magic,” he nonchalantly tells Ryuk and Enway, who are still ducking down to avoid the wraiths. “Had you used magic, these creatures would have eaten you from the inside.”

  Why’s he so casual? Ryuk thinks as a terrifying Magic Gorger comes inches away from his face, gnashes its teeth, and continues on.

  “Now, are you ready to upgrade to the Silver Ruby Bonus Package?” Marty asks over the mayhem. “The diversity discount no longer applies – sorry, time sensitive – but I could keep the cost at thirty thousand rupees because I’m not able to cover the wagon remotely, nor do I have time to set up the open bar. How does that sound?”

  Another ghoul passes in front of him and Hiccup fires off a squealer.

  “Fine!” Ryuk coughs as he’s enveloped by a spicy goblinic aftermath.


  “Transfer money first, then the enemies will be dealt with!” Marty places his hands behind his back and smiles smugly. “Sorry, business is as business does!”

  “I’ll fickin’ kill him!” Hiccup scrambles to get out of the wagon but Ryuk and Enway hold him back. A Magic Gorger spins just above Hiccup’s head, and he screams out and drops another trouser bomb that can be heard over the screeching gorgers, Zaena’s swordplay, and whatever weapon FeeTwix is currently firing.

  “Yoooooy!” Hiccup cries out in anguish at his painful flatulence.

  “Fuck!” Ryuk can damn near taste the peppery dragon wing stench that now befouls the air. Enway starts to gag and it’s not long before she’s ralphing over the other side of the wagon.

  “Feetwix!” Ryuk cries out. “Transfer thirty thousand to Marty now! NOW! He’ll handle the gorgers!”

  FeeTwix lowers some advanced shooting iron. “You sure?” he calls over the schwing of Zaena’s swords.

  “Do it, dammit!”

  Marty’s face suddenly lights up. “Good!” The gnome shoots Ryuk the thumbs up and takes a few steps away from the wagon.

  “What the fick is he doing?” Hiccup asks, his lip quivering. “We’re all gonna die! And did you dumbficks actually pay him thirty thousand rupees? Do you know how much Wizardous–?”

  His budding diatribe is interrupted when Marty begins to unhinge his jaw and stretch it away from his face. The gnome’s friendly eyes roll back into his head and he puts both hands on either side of his cheeks and opens his mouth until he can no longer stretch his hands wide.

  “What in the actual fick!?”

  Marty spreads his legs wide, curls his body backwards, and after a thunderous exhale, he begins sucking in air rapidly. The Magic Gorgers closest to Marty zip into his mouth, and soon, a whirling vortex has opened before the gnome, as everything is sucked into his waiting maw.

  The air whips all around the Mitherfickers.

  FeeTwix has to hold onto one of the trees he’s scorched not to be sucked up. Zaena stabs two swords into the ground and uses all her strength to keep from being ripped away from the soil. Hiccup covers his head with his smallest shield and Enway grabs onto Ryuk’s arm, anchoring herself for dear life.

  Dirt, rocks, twigs, and small woodland creatures continue to be sucked into Marty’s gaping mouth until finally he starts to close his jaw. The Magic Gorgers gone, the gnome licks his lips, burps, and turns back to his wagon.

  “Good,” he tells the group as he brushes his hands together. “Now let’s get to Katiyana!”

  Chapter 8: Pink Salon

  Kodai’s aerosSUV lands on top of his pink salon, Jan Hinamaru, which is located on the outer rim of Roppongi. What better place to attract customers than Toyko’s vibrant club district?

  Aside from the usual haunts of the water trade like Shinjuku and the area southeast of Ueno Station, the outer rim of Roppongi has taken off over the last twenty years, especially as Japanese sex trade managers relaxed their self-imposed ban against gaijins.

  As it turns out, there’s a lot more money to be made by opening all the otherworldly Japanese sex offerings to foreigners. From cuddle bars to delivery health services, Japan’s sex trade has become a multibillion dollar affair, fueled by globalization and faster modes of travel.

  All of which is good news for Kodai and his family’s operations.

  The young Yakuza crime lord waits for Tesla to give him the go ahead. The lean humandroid bodyguard now wears a slim-fitting trench coat to better hide her weapons. She’s still in her MercSecure outfit, which is tight and form-fitting yet made from a special type of non-Newtonian fluid.

  It is a cloudy day, chilly too, and as aeros pass above them, Kodai senses that it may sleet later. Prompted by his thought, the weather forecast appears on his iNet screen next to the icon of a kawaii cloud that grimaces as sleet falls from its body.

  “Kodai.” The door guy, ape-like with slicked back hair, bows long and respectfully. Behind him is a holoscreen showing which girls are on offer. Of the six currently at the pink salon, only two are available, Aimi and Kotomi.

  Since they are the only two available, their images are the only ones moving on the holoscreen. Aimi, in a reflective silver bikini top, opens her mouth wide, showing the back of her teeth. She licks her soft lips, winks, and blows a kiss.

  The other girl, Kotomi, bends just enough to show the bottom of her ass cheeks. The video cuts to a close-up of her mouth and lips. The camera pulls back, allowing the viewer to see the top of her ample tits.

  The sign advertises the cost for the double service, which consists of two women working in shifts over the span of thirty minutes. It’s a long blowjob, but this type of service is pretty much standard across the pink salon landscape of Japan. Most men blow their wad during the first ten minutes anyway, and a few of the more vigorous ones are able to blow a second by the thirty minute mark.

  Kodai looks to Tesla’s face. The humandroid is expressionless as she waits for him to pass in front of her.

  Good, he thinks, because the oddity that is a pink salon only gets stranger.

  Having grown up in Japan, but spent several years in America, Kodai now has a new perspective of his homeland, even with the fact that his businesses are a thriving part of the oddities that a typical foreigner would find strange or perverse.

  She’s not a foreigner, he reminds himself, but damn if she doesn’t look like one with her features, though.

  He’s been trying not to gawk at Tesla all morning. She seems so real, everything about her is identical to a regular human aside from her eyes. Tesla scans people she meets and as she does so, her eyes dilate big and black.

  If it weren’t for that, and the fact that he has paid for her and knows what she is, Kodai would assume she’s human.

  He walks down a stairwell with liquor and pollute advertisements flashing on the wall.

  A particular Suntory Whiskey ad catches his eye, an ad in celebration of their former televised commercial ads. It’s a clever marketing scheme: piece together your old marketing campaigns to remind the public just how long you’ve been at it.

  The names of the foreigners that have advertised for Suntory appear in katakana next to their pictures – Sean Connery, Bill Murray, Francis Ford Coppola, Sammy Davis Jr. – before the collection of clips switches to people who have become famous over the last thirty years, from Korean pop stars to Chinese actresses.

  ~~Celebrate whiskey. Celebrate Suntory.~~

  The commercial ends as they hit the second floor.

  Kodai walks into a dimly lit room filled with slurping sounds. He sees the back of the first man, a Japanese native, who sits on a couch while a woman on her knees goes at it. The man faces another couch also turned backwards, where another man gets the same treatment, his face filled with ecstasy.

  This one finishes with a groan, and once he’s done, the woman stands and walks to a little sink behind a thick curtain and flicks the water on.

  Kodai stops for a moment, watching the topless woman add toothpaste to her toothbrush and quickly go to work on her teeth. Meanwhile, the door on the other side of the room opens and another woman goes to the man who has just orgasmed. She cleans him off with a wet napkin, unsnaps her top, and drops to her knees.

  Kodai waits at the other side of the room for Tesla to catch up with him. He takes the next round of stairs, to another room, on the bottom floor, which is arranged in the same way as the top floor. From there, they head to the office, where they find a short balding man eating from a bowl of instant ramen.

  “Kodai!” Rin stands and quickly tries to hide the ramen on his desk.

  “Did you not know I was coming?”

  “I was just trying to finish up before you got down here,” he says with his mouth full.

  Kodai raises an eyebrow at the man. He keeps it raised long enough for the man to see his life flash before his eyes.

  “I’m sorry!” Rin stands and bows as respectfully as he can while his t
eeth chatter.

  Kodai lets him stay on alert for just a bit longer until he finally says, “It’s fine, Rin, but you’ve now been warned, and anyone who works for me knows what it means when I warn them.”

  “I understand,” Rin mumbles, his head still bowed.

  “I’ve come here to talk about profits from the last three weeks.” Kodai places his hands behind his back as he walks towards a holoscreen on the far side of the room.

  A calendar appears on the screen, detailing work schedules. From there the profits and losses of the last three weeks take shape. Kodai verbally instructs the holoscreen to expand to the profits from the last two months, and once the line chart is visible, he points at the dip.

  “This is what I’d like to discuss.”

  “Yes, Kodai.” Rin wipes his hands on his pants and nods to Tesla. The humandroid’s eyes flash black as she scans him. “This is because of Neon Cats, N-Cats, run by Gintoki Sakata.”

  Kodai clenches his fists together. “That’s Gintoki’s place?”

  Rin nods. “N-Cats is a new salon that opened up just a few weeks back. If I may … ” Rin approaches the holoscreen and gives a series of commands. The line chart expands to show the profits from the last year. “I’ve been steady, you can see that, Kodai,” the sniveling man says with a grin on his face. “Business is good – was good – until N-Cats opened up.”

  “And what makes them better?” Kodai asks as pictures of the new pink salon in question appear on the holoscreen, each accented by a popping sound. “Younger girls?”

  “That would be illegal,” Rin says.

  “And?” Kodai smiles faintly. “I’m joking, Rin, I know we’re not going to get much younger than the eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds we have.”

  Same age as my brother, Kodai thinks as he says “nineteen.” Hard to imagine making the life decisions one would have to make to wind up at a pink salon just out of high school, but their decision-making processes and the future futility of them is of little concern to Kodai.

  Once they’re too old, or if they start having children and gain weight, he’ll move them to the salons he manages in Nakano, if they still want to do this for a living. The old fucks that frequent those places don’t care about appearances anyway.