Secrets Kept

by Allie Everhart

  "I know. It's just that she was so aggressive. Are girls always like that with you?"

  "I don't know. I don't pay attention."

  "Yes you do. You just won't tell me."

  He lightly rubs my arm. "Go to sleep."

  I close my eyes. "She has really shiny hair. It's like it's not even real. Maybe it's a wig."

  Gavin chuckles. "Kate, you need to sleep."

  "I'm not sleepy," I say with a yawn. My head slides down to his chest. "I've never seen hair that shiny. I wanted to touch it but I knew she'd get mad if I did. She'd let you touch her hair. She'd let you do anything you wanted to her."

  "Kate. We're done talking about her." He rubs my arm while flipping through channels.

  "It was so shiny. Like a horse's mane. Or maybe a horse's coat. What's shiny? The coat or the mane?"

  He chuckles again. "You're not going to sleep, are you?"

  "I might." I yawn, and when I close my eyes, I see Niles holding a gun. Aiming it at that man. "Why did he do it?"

  "Who are we talking about?"

  "Niles." The room is spinning again. I feel like I'm getting even drunker, my mind not sure if I'm asleep or awake.

  "My dad?" I hear Gavin say. "What are you talking about?"

  Is Gavin really talking or am I dreaming? I think I might be dreaming.

  "Why did he do it?" I mutter.

  "Do what?"

  "Why did he kill that guy?"

  "What the hell are you talking about?" I feel Gavin yank his arm out from under me, and as my back hits the wall, I realize I'm not in a dream.

  I'm awake. And I just told Gavin the truth. That his father killed a man.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I wake up in Gavin's bed but he's not beside me.

  "Gavin?" I sit up, my eyes straining from the light coming through his drapes. Why is it light out? What time is it?

  "Gavin?" I blink my eyes a few times and look around but he's not there. He's not in the room.

  Fumbling around the bed, I search for my phone. I can't find it. Last night it was in the pocket of my jeans. I reach under the covers and find that my jeans aren't on me anymore. Gavin must've taken them off. But I still have underwear on, and my shirt and bra. So I guess Gavin and I never had sex last night.

  Shoving the covers back, I sit up and feel like my head is exploding from just that minor movement. I have a serious hangover. I haven't had one this bad for years. My jeans are on the floor by Gavin's desk. I go to pick them up, but stop when I realize that bending down causes even sharper pains to explode throughout my skull. Dropping to the ground, I crawl on my hands and knees until I reach my jeans.

  I hear a key in the door and look back to see Gavin walking in.

  "What are you doing?" he asks, closing the door behind him.

  "Getting my jeans." I hold them up and turn around and lean against his desk.

  "Why are you on the floor?"

  "Because it hurts too much to sit up. Or bend forward. Or stand. Basically it hurts to do anything other than not move." I squint up at him. "How much did I drink last night?" I shield my eyes from the light. "And why is it so bright in here?"

  "It's bright because it's eight in the morning." He has a sack in his hand and sets it next to me on his desk. "As for how much you drank, I don't know. You kept filling your cup with vodka so it's hard to say."

  "Why didn't you stop me?"

  "You said you wanted it."

  I rub my head. "Well, next time, stop me. I hate feeling this way."

  He reaches in the sack and pulls out a plastic bottle with orange liquid inside. "Here. Drink this."

  "What is it?"

  "It's got vitamins and electrolytes. It's good for hangovers. Dave suggested it. He gets drunk all the time and swears by this stuff."

  I open the bottle and take a sip. It tastes a little like orange juice but isn't as sweet, which is good. Anything too sweet would make me feel sick right now, although surprisingly my stomach isn't queasy. It's my head taking all the punishment.

  "When did you talk to Dave?"

  "Last night. After you fell asleep I took a walk. I passed Dave as I was leaving the building."

  "You took a walk?" I look up at him, which sends pain shooting from one side of my head to the other. "Why'd you take a walk?"

  "I needed to." He goes around me and sits on the bed.

  Rubbing my aching head, I say, "I don't get it. Why'd you need a walk? Were you mad about something?"

  "Yeah. I was." He leans forward, lacing his hands together and resting his elbows on his knees.

  "What were you mad about?"

  "You don't remember?" he asks.

  I remember almost nothing from the time we got to his room last night to the time I fell asleep. I must've really been drunk.

  "Remember what?"

  "Last night. What we talked about."

  I try to remember but nothing comes to mind. We could've talked about anything. When I'm drunk, I can't control my mouth. Whatever I'm thinking just comes out.

  "I don't remember much from last night. I remember being downstairs, then coming up here, but after that, it's pretty much a blank." I bring my leg up and slide it in the leg of my jeans. Just that small movement hurts my head but I fight through it and do the same with my other leg.

  I feel Gavin watching me as I slide my jeans up my legs, then lift up just enough to get them over my butt. When they're finally on, I stop to rest. That was exhausting.

  "We were talking," Gavin says, his voice very serious.

  "What were we talking about?"

  His eyes drop to the floor. "You were angry about Jacklyn."

  Is that why he's acting like this? Did we argue about Jacklyn? Was I being too jealous? Too insecure? It's possible. Both those traits tend to come out when I've been drinking.

  "Yeah?" I ask. "And what happened?"

  "We finished talking about her and then..." He shakes his head.

  "What? Tell me."

  "You said some shit. Some really fucked up shit." He shakes his head again.

  Now I'm feeling queasy, and it's not from the hangover. It's from the anxiousness I'm feeling from not knowing what the hell I said.

  "Gavin, just tell me. What did I say?"

  "You said..." He slowly lifts his head and looks at me. "You said my father killed someone."

  I suck in a breath and drop the bottle I was holding.

  "Your drink." Gavin bursts from the bed and picks up the bottle but some of it has already spilled on the floor. He grabs a t-shirt from his closest and mops up the mess. Then he tosses the shirt aside and hands me the bottle back.

  "Sorry," I say as I watch him return to the bed to sit down. He hasn't even kissed me today. Or touched me, in even an innocent way.

  Because he's mad at me. Because I told him about his dad.

  Holy shit! I told him about his dad? What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. I was drunk.

  Now that he knows, what's going to happen? Is Niles going to go after my family? I start to panic, my heart racing, my throat going dry, my stomach churning.

  "I think I'm gonna be sick." I get up and run out the door.

  "Kate?" I hear Gavin behind me.

  I keep going, and when I get to the bathroom I swing the door open and race inside, accidentally hitting a guy who's trying to pee at the urinal.

  "What the fuck?" he mutters.

  "She's sick," I hear Gavin say.

  I hurl into the toilet, which is filthy from last night. Other drunk people have used this toilet and it hasn't been cleaned. Seeing the dried remnants makes me hurl even more.

  "Kate." I feel Gavin behind me, gathering my hair and holding it while I puke. This is so embarrassing. I never get sick like this, and the one time I do it's in front of my boyfriend? So embarrassing.

  But maybe he's not my boyfriend anymore. He's not acting like it, except for the fact that he's holding my hair back. But he could just be doing that to be nice.

 
; When my stomach is empty, I go to the sink and wash out my mouth and splash water on my face. The guy who was peeing is gone now and the bathroom is empty except for Gavin and me.

  "C'mon," he says, holding onto my arm. "I'll take you home."

  Home? I can't go home. I need to know what I said.

  "But what about—"

  "We'll talk about it later," he says as he helps me out of the bathroom.

  We make our way back to his room.

  "You didn't zip your jeans," he says.

  I look down at them, not really comprehending what he said.

  He sighs and steps in front of me and zips up my jeans. "Ready?"

  "No. I need to talk to you first. I need to know what happened last night."

  "Let's wait until you feel better. Get some sleep and then we'll talk."

  "I'm not tired. I just woke up." I sit on his bed. "Now tell me what happened."

  He lets out a long breath, then sits on the chair by his desk, leaning forward, his head down. "You said my dad killed a guy. You said it happened that night I came to surprise you at the party. You said you went to get ice and saw my dad fighting with some guy." He pauses. "You said he shot him. That my dad shot the guy." Gavin looks up at me. "You said he killed him."

  My heart's pounding and my palms are beginning to sweat.

  What do I do? Go along with my story or tell him it wasn't true? I'll be punished for telling the truth. I know I will. And there's no way Gavin would keep this a secret. He'll tell his dad. And then his dad will come after me.

  "Gavin, it's not true. I was just rambling. I was drunk."

  "Why would you say that? Why would you make up something like that, even if you were drunk?"

  "I don't know. People say stupid things when they're drunk. Like one time, Megan was drunk and swore she saw a unicorn. Turns out it was just a girl with really long hair that'd been colored in all these pastel stripes." I laugh, but Gavin's not laughing.

  "It doesn't make sense that you would make up a story like that."

  "I didn't make it up. I even got it on video. Megan and I can't stop laughing whenever we watch it."

  "I'm not talking about Megan," he snaps.

  I knew he wasn't. I was just trying to make him less angry, because he seems to be getting angrier by the second.

  "Gavin, I'm sorry. I really am. When I get drunk, crazy things come out of my mouth. Things that make no sense. It's like when you're dreaming. Dreams never make sense and sometimes in dreams, people do things they'd never do."

  "You weren't asleep when you said this."

  "But I was drunk, which is the point I'm trying to make. When I'm drunk I say and do things that don't make sense. I can't control it. Just like how people can't control their dreams."

  He folds his arms over his chest. "So you're saying you made it all up? That none of it is true?"

  "Yes." I let out a laugh. "You really think your dad would kill someone?"

  "Of course not. He doesn't even own a gun."

  He either does or someone loaned him one because he definitely had a gun the night of the party.

  "So stop worrying about this," I tell him. "It was just drunk rambling. It didn't mean anything."

  "It does if it means you really think that way about my dad."

  "I don't. I just told you, none of what I said meant anything. I don't even remember saying it."

  "But why would you even come up with something like that?" He pauses. "Unless you're trying to hurt me."

  "Gavin." I get up and go over to him. "Why would I want to hurt you? I love you."

  "You were pissed about Jacklyn. I almost felt like you were blaming me for how she acted last night. Like I'd been leading her on, making her think she had a chance with me."

  "I never thought that. And even if I did, I wouldn't try to hurt you to get back at you." I put my hand on his arm. "I'd never do that, Gavin."

  He looks up. "Maybe you weren't trying to, but it still hurt. You know how much I love and respect my dad."

  I nod. "I know."

  "And it's important to me that you like him. And last night, it sounded like you hated him."

  "I don't. And I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I'm sorry I said that stuff." I playfully hit his shoulder. "You need to stop letting me have vodka."

  He cracks a smile. "You get really fucked up when you drink."

  I frown. "I know. Sorry you had to see me that way."

  He holds my hands and pulls me between his legs. "How about you go home and shower, take a nap, and I'll come by later and take you to dinner."

  "Okay."

  He goes to kiss me but I pull back. "Not with vomit mouth! Gross."

  He laughs. "That's right. I forgot." He kisses my cheek. "That'll have to do for now."

  He takes me back to my apartment. I shower, then gulp down aspirin and water and go to bed. A few hours later, I wake up feeling much better. Physically, that is. Mentally, I'm still struggling with what to do.

  I told Gavin the truth, but then told him I made it up. So now I'm back to having to hide this huge secret. Having to lie to Gavin. How is this going to work? How can we have a relationship without honesty? Without trust?

  And how can we have a future together if the future means going to his parents' house for dinners and holidays and other family functions? I'd have to sit across the table from his father, the man I watched kill someone. A murderer.

  A chill scatters through me and I shiver.

  "You cold?" Megan asks as she passes me in the hall.

  "No. I just got a chill."

  "It is kind of cold in here. I'm going to turn on the heat." She goes over to the thermostat. "You okay with that?"

  "Yeah, that's fine."

  The weather's getting cooler now but we've been avoiding turning the heat on in order to save money. But now that she mentioned it, it does feel cold in here. I think I didn't notice because my senses are numb. Ever since seeing Niles kill that man, I haven't noticed being hot or cold. The only thing I've felt since that night is fear and panic and regret for not immediately reporting what I saw. If I had, other people would've seen the body. The police would have evidence. And maybe Niles would be in jail right now.

  "Rough night?" Megan laughs as she meets up with me in the kitchen.

  "Is it that bad?" I open the fridge and find the orange juice.

  She stands back, looking me up and down. "Puffy cheeks. Dark circles under your eyes. No color in your skin." She laughs. "Yeah, it's pretty bad. How much did you drink?"

  "I don't know. I just kept pouring. I didn't keep track."

  "Why were you drinking so much? Was Gavin drinking?"

  "Yeah, but he stopped after two. I kept going." I pour the juice in a glass. "I shouldn't have been drinking that much. It's just that..."

  "Just what?"

  I want to tell her the truth so bad. But I can't.

  "There was this girl. Jacklyn. We were all hanging out in a room, watching a movie, and she kept flirting with Gavin. One of the guys from Gavin's floor actually called her on it, told her Gavin wasn't interested, but she wouldn't stop. She really wants him."

  "What did Gavin do?"

  "Tried to ignore her. He kept kissing me and putting his arm around me to make it clear that he's with me, but she didn't seem to care."

  "So you were drinking because you were pissed off at her?"

  "Kind of. I don't know. It doesn't make sense now that I think about it."

  She sits down at the breakfast bar. "You sure there isn't something else wrong?"

  "Like what?" I take a big swig of my juice.

  She shrugs. "You just seem a little off."

  "Off how?"

  "Like distracted and..." She eyes me, cocking her head. "Nervous maybe? Yeah, nervous. Anxious. Like you're worried some psycho's going to show up at the door. You've been like this for days. Was some guy bothering you at the party last week?"

  "What party?"

  "The one you catered b
efore you got sick. The one at Gavin's house."

  So she did notice I was acting strange after that night. And apparently I'm still not acting like myself. Dammit! I thought I was doing a good job hiding this from her but if she can tell I'm acting off, chances are other people will too. Then they'll ask questions. Questions I can't answer.

  My phone rings from the kitchen counter. It's Gavin, probably calling to tell me he'll be over soon.

  I can't see him. Not yet. Not until I figure out a better way to hide this from him. He knows me almost as well as Megan does so he'll know I'm not myself. Last night, I covered it up with alcohol but I can't do that again.

  "You gonna get that?" Megan asks as my phone continues to ring.

  "Yeah." I pick it up and answer it. "Hey."

  "Hey. I was about to head over there. You ready to eat? Or we could hang out there for an hour or two and then go."

  "Sorry but I'm not feeling well. I think I'll just stay here."

  "Are you sick, or is it from the alcohol?"

  "The alcohol. I'm still hungover."

  "We could just watch a movie. We don't have to go out."

  "I think I just want to go back to bed and sleep."

  "Can your boyfriend sleep beside you?" he asks in a flirty tone.

  "I'd love that, but some other time. When I'm feeling better."

  "Do you need anything? I could go pick up some more of those vitamin drinks or some aspirin or whatever else you need."

  "Thanks, but I don't need anything."

  "How about bananas?"

  "Bananas? Why would I want bananas?"

  "They have potassium, which helps you get over a hangover. Also good after vomiting."

  "Ugh." I slump down on the barstool next to Megan. "Don't talk about that. I can't believe I did that. And that you saw it."

  "Don't worry about it. That's not the first time I've witnessed that."

  "It is with me. God, that was disgusting. I'm sorry you had to see it."

  "Kate, really, it's not a big deal. My freshman year I spent every weekend with my head in a toilet."

  "You did?" I'm surprised because he made it sound like he was never a big drinker.

  "You know how it is. Freshman year. Away from the parents. You get a little crazy. I drank so much that year that I actually got sick of drinking. And sick of feeling like shit all the time. That's why I try not to drink too much now. So anyway, you sure you don't want me to come over? I bet I could nurse you back to health." His flirty tone is back.