by Judy Corry
“Eliana? Are you in here?” Ashlyn's voice echoed in the bathroom. “I saw everything. Are you okay?”
I grabbed some toilet paper and dabbed at my eyes, embarrassed I was even crying in the first place.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I choked out. Why couldn’t my voice cooperate and be steady when I needed it to be?
I took a deep breath and came out of the stall.
Ashlyn pulled me into a hug as soon as I stepped out. “I’m so sorry, Eliana.”
“Don’t be. This is a good thing.” I sniffled. “Don’t tell Jess about this, okay?”
After making sure my makeup still looked fine, Ashlyn linked her arm through mine and we went to our lockers. Jess and Kelsie were there. They didn’t even seem to notice us as we pulled out our books. Which was fine.
“C’mon, let’s get to class.” Ashlyn eyed her brother and his new girlfriend with a look of annoyance. “We need to make wagers on how long that relationship will last.”
I shook my head as my heart panged. “I don't feel like betting this time."
Ashlyn regarded me with sadness in her eyes. “Okay, Eliana. I don’t really feel like betting on this one either.”
Chapter Seven
As far as I knew, Jess never gave that kiss a second thought. Our friendship went back to normal, at least on his side of it. Even though I told myself not to feel anything, that this was for the best, my chest hurt every time I saw him and Kelsie together. But he was so busy with Kelsie these days I didn’t think he even noticed I’d changed. And somehow, Kelsie managed something none of Jess's other girlfriends had. She asked him to make her a priority, in a way girls always hope their boyfriend will make them a priority, and for some reason…he did.
So for the first time in our friendship, someone else was more important to him than me. We still had our ride to and from school each day, but besides that, any other time we did get together was chaperoned by his girlfriend. Most times I opted to stay home or go to the library instead.
Junior Prom came and went. Jess never had to fulfill his promise to take me. Not because I had a date, but because he did. I kept waiting for the day when he’d tell Ashlyn and me about his and Kelsie’s breakup, but that day never came. Somehow, she was the girl who had been able to break the curse. And I hated her all the more for that.
School ended, Jess graduated, and I started working at the Brooks’ movie theater. I had worked there last summer too, so it was an easy adjustment. Ashlyn had most of the same shifts I did, so it was fun to hang out with her as we sold moviegoers their popcorn, drinks, and candy.
But as my social life leveled out, it seemed like the universe was determined to keep my mom and me from spending much time together. About a week after I started working evenings at the theater, Mom got switched to the day shift at work. We were like passing ships in the night. She would get off work as I was leaving. I worried that with nothing else to do at night, she may get sucked into spending time with my uncle and his friends, and her temptation to drink might finally win.
It had been a long night at the theater, opening night for the big superhero movie fans had been waiting months to see, when it hit me what special day it also was. My parent’s wedding anniversary. July eighth. It would be their twentieth year together.
Why hadn’t I realized it before?
“Do you think it’s okay if I take off early tonight?” I asked my supervisor, Derek, once the nighttime rush had passed.
An annoyed look crossed his face. “It’s a busy night, Eliana.”
“Please,” I begged. “I just realized it’s my mom’s first anniversary without my dad there. I need to make sure she’s okay.”
He seemed to think about it. “Fine. You can go after you check the girls’ bathrooms.”
I finally made it home around ten-thirty. I crept through the back door, hoping I wouldn’t find my mom moping in her bed all alone. She needed someone. She needed me.
“Come on, Annie,” I heard Brandt’s voice carry from the living room.
“No,” Mom’s voice sounded. “I changed my mind.”
I peeked. My mom was sitting on the couch next to Brandt who wore an easy smile. He held a glass of wine in front of her. “We found the last bottle of your favorite wine. If that’s not a sign that you should still celebrate tonight, I don’t know what is.”
“My husband left me. I shouldn’t be celebrating our twentieth anniversary.” Mom crossed her arms.
“Then don’t think about that. Give yourself a break. I’m tired of seeing you sulk in the corner all night.” He lifted the glass closer to her face.
She stared at the liquid, seeming to have an internal battle.
Please tell him no, Mom. You know what alcohol does to you. I silently prayed.
After a minute, she perked up. She was going to tell him no.
Good job, Mom.
She smiled at Brandt and shrugged. “It is my favorite. I might as well celebrate it with someone.”
“That’s my girl,” he said.
“Mom!” I called out once I realized what was about to happen. “I need to talk to you.”
Her eyes found mine; there was a deadness in them I hadn’t noticed before. “Not right now, Eliana.” She grabbed the glass from Brandt. “Mom needs a vacation.” Without another word, she lifted the glass to her lips and gulped down the red liquid.
I watched, frozen, as she drank. Something in her demeanor changed the moment the wine touched her lips. Like she felt a freedom of sorts. All the memories from my childhood came rushing back to me. Images of her sitting on the couch, glassy-eyed as I practiced my piano, or one of her searching the cupboards for all the bottles my dad had hidden when he realized how bad her drinking had gotten. The memory of her pushing me so hard I collapsed into the coffee table and got a bloody gash on the side of my head. Visions of how she used to scream and scream at me about how it was my fault she was like that. How I was so spoiled that my dad had to work all the time to pay for my toys. Then there was the image of her sitting in the car, shoulders slumped as Dad and I drove her to a rehab clinic in New Hampshire. Alcohol was the demon that turned my mom into a person I hated. A person who had no self-control, who didn’t care about anyone but herself and when she would be getting her next drink. Mom’s alcoholism was also my family’s darkest secret. It was something we did not talk about. With anyone.
Her glass was empty. Satisfied, she leaned back into the couch cushions and smiled like she hadn’t smiled since my dad left.
Chapter Eight
August burned hot and humid as it did every year. The day I’d been dreading since last winter finally came. It was Jess's last day home. He’d be moving to Ithaca in the morning, and then it would just be Ashlyn and me.
The sun was blistering hot, the humidity suffocating, as I sat on the porch waiting for Jess to pick me up. If he didn’t show up soon, I might be tempted to go sit in the kiddie pool with Davey’s kids across the street. That would be much better than going back inside to hang out with my mom and her favorite drinking buddy, Brandt.
I’d hoped her anniversary drink would be a one-time thing, but one drink turned to two. Bottles turned into cases until she was helping Uncle Peter pick the alcohol selection for each evening—there was a lot more red wine than there used to be. When I tried talking to her about her drinking, she told me to mind my own business and let her make her own choices. It seemed like since I was almost eighteen, my mom had decided she could be done with raising me. She’d put in her time. Maybe I should be happy I was so free to come and go as I pleased, and that I didn’t have anyone watching my every move. Wasn’t that what teenagers were supposed to want?
Instead, it just made me realize how insignificant and forgettable I was to the people I cared about most.
And if my own parents could forget me so easily, would Jess even bother keeping in touch with me?
Normally I’d tell myself that it was impossible, that our friendship was too important to
him…but what if I was wrong?
I shook those thoughts away. I needed to stop throwing a pity party and focus on today, because at least for today, life would be good. Jess had promised me one last day together, like old times, before he went off to Cornell with Kelsie. And that was all I wanted. One last, normal day where I didn’t have to think about my messed-up home-life, or how everything was changing. I needed normal. I craved normal.
My makeup was just beginning to melt when Jess's Camaro rolled up to the curb. I wiped the sweat off my forehead and trotted down the steps, hoping he had the air conditioning on full blast.
“Sorry I’m late,” he said when I opened the door. “Lunch with Kelsie’s family went late.”
Kelsie…
Think positive thoughts. Be happy. Be normal. Don’t be jealous. Think. Positive. Thoughts!
“Did you even hear what I said?” Jess asked.
“Um, sorry?” I gave him a guilty smile.
“I was wondering if you wanted to grab some ice cream before heading to Little York Lake.” Jess switched the AC on high, probably noticing my sweaty hairline. “You look like you could use some cooling off right about now.”
“Ice cream and Little York sound great.”
We drove to the nearby ice cream shop, and since we were both chocoholics, we each ordered Extreme Chocolate Meltdown shakes with extra brownie bites mixed in. Then we headed out of town. Little York Lake was such a great hideaway about thirty minutes away. There was an old playground with the tallest metal slide I’d ever seen, along with a bunch of picnic tables and tent sites that sat beneath tall pine trees.
Kids were running all over the playground when we arrived, enjoying the last bit of summer left before school started. Jess and I sat on the grass overlooking the playground, on the old quilt he kept in the back of his car.
“How was meeting Kelsie’s sister?” I asked, following through with my plan to keep everything normal. Friends asked friends about what they did with their girlfriend’s family, right? And apparently, things were getting more serious between Kelsie and Jess, because her family sure made a big deal out of him meeting her sister and her family for the first time.
“It was fine. Her sister was nice.” His eyes wouldn’t meet mine as he pumped his spoon in his shake.
“That’s good.”
He cleared his throat. “So, we’ll be leaving around nine in the morning. Do you wanna come over for one last breakfast together before I leave?”
My heart sank. “I have to work in the morning. I traded Josh shifts so I could hang out with you tonight.”
His eyes looked sad. “So this really is it before I leave, huh?”
I nodded, trying to keep the panic out of my chest. How had this day snuck up on me so fast?
We sat in silence for a while as we finished our shakes, watching the people at the park. About twenty feet away, a couple was sitting on a bench together, looking to be in their mid-thirties. They were holding hands, smiling proudly as they watched their two little kids go down the slide. They reminded me of how my parents had once been.
I looked around, people-watching now. There was a dad on the swing with his baby girl sitting on his lap. His wife stood in front of them, her phone held up to capture the father-daughter moment. They all looked so happy, smiling and laughing at each other.
I couldn’t help but think that my life used to be like that. I was the little girl whose daddy constantly doted on her. I’d been the little girl in the fluffy dress and bouncing ringlets, who ran to my daddy every day when he got home from work, wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug. But life wasn’t like that anymore. Part of me wanted to warn the little girl, before she got her hopes up, that her fairytale life might not be happening.
Before long, she’d probably have the FBI stopping by her house off and on to see if her dad had been in contact with them since he disappeared.
Two squirrels scurried past. I followed them with my eyes until they ran past the bench with the middle-aged couple on it.
“Is she doing what I think she’s doing?” Jess turned to me with a crooked smile.
I screwed up my face. “It looks like she’s popping his zit.” Indeed, the man was bent close to his wife who had both hands on his face, looking like her fingers were pinching a pimple.
Jess laughed. “Now that’s true love right there.”
“Some couples are so strange. They could at least wait to do that in private.”
I hadn’t noticed the clouds darkening in the sky above us until I saw families gathering their things and rushing to their cars with the first drops of rain. It would start pouring soon, so we packed up our stuff and headed for Jess's car.
I glanced at the time on the dash. It wasn’t even seven yet, and I was nowhere near ready to say goodbye. This would be our last time together before he left for Cornell. I needed to prolong the night as long as possible. Who knows when we’d get to hang out alone again? Kelsie was going to have him all to herself in Ithaca, and I could only imagine how much shorter his leash would be after that.
“What should we do now?” Jess drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.
I shrugged. “I know we planned to do all the things tonight, but I think I’d be happy sitting here in your car, watching the rainstorm.” I meant it as a joke, but he seemed to take my suggestion seriously because he reclined his seat and settled in.
I followed suit.
“Are you ready to be a big-shot college guy tomorrow?” I turned sideways and propped myself up on my arm to be more comfortable. The rain had cooled things off, so thankfully, it wasn’t too hot to sit in the car without turning on the air conditioning.
“I don’t know about the big shot part, but yeah, I’m excited to live on my own. It’ll be nice to not have my parents nagging me about my future 24/7.” He and I had opposite problems. His parents were very involved in his life and had extremely high expectations, while my mom couldn’t care less what I did anymore.
As he talked about his class schedule and all the things he was looking forward to, I studied him. The way his eyes lit up when he talked about a class he was excited for, and how his mouth formed around the words he spoke. I watched how his eyebrows knit together when he was trying to remember something, and noticed how he moved his hands as he spoke.
I would never admit it to anyone if they asked, but Jess was beautiful. Everything about him was perfect.
I would miss him so much this year. The summer had been hard enough with him splitting his time between Kelsie, work, and me. How was I supposed to survive nine more months?
Then it hit me. We may never get to hang out like this again. Earlier, he’d mentioned something about going to his grandparents’ resort next summer. After that, I would be heading off to college too. I planned to apply to Cornell and Ithaca College, but I would also be applying to other schools.
I hoped to get a scholarship, and if I did, I would be going to whatever school gave me the best one. I might be in a completely different state than Jess after this year.
Anxiety hit me with an intense force at the thought of things never going back to normal again. All this time I’d been waiting for things to change, to get better, but even my relationship with Jess would never go back to the way it was before my dad left. Why did things have to keep changing all the time? It wasn’t fair!
I wanted to be in this moment with Jess, talking in his car as the rain poured all around us. But the pressure in my chest grew the more I thought about how things would be without him. I would die if we drifted apart, too.
Jess furrowed his brow, deep creases stretching across his forehead. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m realizing what saying goodbye to you tonight really means.” I drew in a deep breath, trying to gain control of my emotions again. I didn’t want my tear-filled face to be his last memory of me.
He took my hand and squeezed my fingers. “I’ll be back. It’s not like I’m leaving the country or anything.”
“I know.” I sniffled and wiped at my eyes. “I’m going to miss you, that’s all.”
He moved his face closer to mine and spoke in a low voice. "I'll miss you too." He tucked some hair behind my ear. "So much."
I nodded and looked down, feeling my heart throb as I looked at our hands together. Did he realize what he was doing to me? I wasn’t supposed to like him. He was my best friend. He had a girlfriend.
He placed a hand on my shoulder and leaned his forehead against mine.
I lifted my eyes to look at his face, to try to read what emotions might be there.
His eyes were squeezed shut as he breathed in a shaky breath.
"Is everything okay?" I whispered. Please tell me what’s going through your mind. Do you ever think about that kiss?
He opened his eyes, a torn look flitting across his face. "Yes. Sorry, I…" He shook his head, released my shoulder, and turned to look out the windshield. "Sorry, I'm being weird. It's been a long day."
“Yeah?” Had he almost kissed me?
We were quiet for a while, watching the rain.
"How are things at home?" he finally asked.
"They're fine," I lied.
Keep yourself to yourself, my dad's voice sounded in my mind like it had so many times when my mom hurt me before. I didn't know why I still listened to him, it's not like he deserved to matter to me anymore. But for some reason he still did. And for an even stupider reason, I still wanted to be daddy's obedient little girl.
Jess narrowed his eyes. "Are you sure things are fine?"
“I’ll be fine.” I looked away, and then turned to him again, a fake smile on my face.
Jess nodded slowly, still not looking like he believed me. But instead of asking further, he turned the key in the ignition and said, “How ‘bout we get some dinner.”
Midnight rolled around and Jess took me home. It was still raining, so he grabbed the umbrella out of his trunk before walking me to the back door.