Then I felt his entire body exhale and relax, as he divulged the emotions beginning to stab away at his insides out into the world. I squeezed his body tight, as it began to shake with the force of the emotions spilling out of his eyes. I winced, the pain inside of me only becoming exemplified, as the agonizing sounds of the tears in Hunter’s eyes rung in my ears. He sounded like the engine of an old car, his coughs and wheezes sputtering out of him, making it seem as if every breath could result in the catastrophic engine failure of the inner-workings of himself.
I buried my head into his dark blue t-shirt, that smelled like a weird yet still appealing combination of the mold on the floor and the natural mustiness that encapsulated Hunter. I felt the despair inside of me drop to a new rock bottom, which always seemed to continue to get even lower and lower, although I’d been at rock bottom for years now. Dulce. Just the thought of her name brought visions of her cute face and sweet voice to my mind. She’s gone. She’s dead! The anger and sadness piled on top of the rest of emotions inside me and began to spill out of my eyes and radiate off my vibrating muscles.
I already felt my mind missing everything about her. Over the past few years she had grown on me, and maybe even begun to replace a bit of the black-hole-sized void inside of me. I never thought I would let my mind do that out of fear of losing her, but I ignorantly let it happen anyways. She was just like Matthew. I felt my heart break as I thought about him, and wondered how much he must have changed over the past three years, if he was even still alive. She was the only one who looked up to me.
After what felt like hours, Hunter moved his hands down to my waist, and I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders. For a long second, our eyes connected, and I had a glimpse into the hopelessness and defeat he felt. The normal, beautiful gleam had faded from them, and in its place there was a dull, lifeless look. I could see the devastation of reality wreaking havoc on his body, and causing tears to stream down his cheek. The horrors of this world had absorbed all the light and energy inside of him with their blackness, and they’d wrapped us both in a thick, inescapable cloud of gloom.
Everything’s gone! The anger coursed through my veins causing my heart to pulse rapidly with emotion. There was a depressing yet calming feeling in knowing that we literally had no control, and no hope left.
We are ready for death.
I flinched, anticipating the slam of the door from outside in the hallway to be the government charging in the room to take us all away. But after several seconds, there was no sound, except for the monotonous pound of footsteps against the cement floor.
Now that I was sitting up, I let my eyes dart around for the first time. We appeared to be in a small studio apartment. All the appliances had been ripped from the kitchenette in the back corner, and most of the granite countertop, and floor tiling had been salvaged by looters. The apartment itself appeared to be fairly new, as far as American standards go. It was probably built around a decade ago, or just before the start of the Great Crash. After the Great Crash, there was almost no new construction besides in enclaves for the ultra-rich. But in the real world, as most like to call it, the infrastructure has begun to rot while President Ash continued to spend the majority of the government’s money on the military, instead of stimulating the almost non-existent economy. With the rise of robots, there was almost no need for humans do anything, except sit around and jerk off basically, which was honestly what most of our generation was best at anyways. Most people didn’t even talk from what I heard. They mostly just stared out into the distance, sedated from reality, and immune to their own sad existence.
The looks on the faces of most could be described as expressionless, just like the plain white coat on most of the walls in the apartment. But in truth, their lives more closely resembled the rotting carpet, which was torn up with mold growing all over it.
For some reason―maybe it was because there was actual carpet instead of bare cement―the deteriorating, ugly apartment actually had a cozy feel to it. Something about the whole place made me feel safe, despite death that was inevitably lurking just outside the door.
My eyes continued to wander around the room, just trying to take in the last place that I may ever sleep in. The apartment was far from beautiful; however, it wasn’t the most hideous thing in the world. Either way, something about it evoked tears from my eyes. There was something in this inanimate apartment that made me feel connected to it, there was something in the darkness and loneliness that shrouded over the room that oddly brought me comfort.
I could feel Hunter pull me even closer, so that my body was on top of his. He smiled a bit, trying to hide the look of sadness and defeat on his face as he looked right into my eyes. I could feel the energy between us draw our lips closer like the undertow of the ocean pulling people closer to the sand at the bottom of the ocean. The force was irresistible, too powerful to withstand, yet so beautiful to behold. I felt a rush of adrenaline course through my veins as our lips connected for what might be the last time.
I felt like a piece of trash helplessly floating on the ocean currents, somehow lucky enough to sail next to such a beautiful piece of garbage. But our days together had inevitably come to an end, and the all-powerful sea had decided to destroy our lonely, impotent lives underneath the tide. And even though I wanted to get sucked under, even though I wanted to drown in the pain and devastation so that I never have to experience it again, there was still a part of me that wanted to live again. There was still a part of me that wanted to fly with the wind, and soar with gracing, hoping the days would never end. Despite everything, there was still a part of me that wanted to live.
I could feel the wind―maybe from the ocean, although I’d never been there―cause our lips to part for one last time. I can’t say exactly how long our moment together lasted. It wasn’t normal to keep track of time during those types of things, but I can say that when it finally ended I could still feel my hands desperately clawing at his body for more. And I could still feel the unsatisfied, hopeless tears start to stream down my face as I realized that I might have just had the last taste of happiness for the rest of my life. I might have just experienced the last encounter with the ever-elusive and mind-numbing emotion of love.
I brushed my hand over his washboard abs for what could be the last time, and I let my eyes rest on his beautiful face, that might be more moving and brighter than all the oceans. There was a stillness to the air that calmed my nerves, and it made me want to freeze time and be trapped in this moment forever.
I don’t want this to end. I felt an unsettled feeling in my stomach as our bodies grew further apart. I don’t want to leave you.
“Where the hell is Ethan?” Hunter’s voice was a low whisper but it still startled me, as he darted his eyes around as if expecting him to jump up out of nowhere.
“Shit.”
The comfort in the emptiness of the room suddenly disappeared. How did I not notice that he was missing? I began to internalize some of the anger at the world and trepidation inside of me. Why do you let yourself get so caught up in your own head?
I sighed, letting my hands fall from his shoulders, to rest on my thighs. I looked around frantically for a moment, the anxiety and shock causing my hands to shake a bit. Last night, Ethan was positioned in the far corner of the room near the window, but now he was nowhere to be found.
“Where would he have gone?” I could hear the bitterness in Hunter’s tone. He stared with narrow eyes out the window, almost willing Ethan to somehow show up on the ledge of the fifth story window.
“I don’t know. He’s fucking crazy.”
My eyes widened at the bloodshot, borderline serial-killer look in Ethan’s eyes. Lately, I could see the determination burning through every inch of humanity inside of him, mercilessly willing him to do anything in pursuit of his goal: to get his life back.
“He’s not crazy,” Hunter responded immediately in defense. “I just think it’s the only way he knows how to live in this cr
azy world―to act even crazier.”
“I don’t think that’s getting him anywhere.” I said.
“Well, it got him to leave this room in the middle of the night.”
Hunter eyed the door and then glanced back at me. I sighed, letting the defeat in the silence marinate into my bones and seep its way into my mind. I stood up, suddenly feeling cramped in the small apartment.
“Natalie, what’s wrong?”
Hunter held onto my hand, not going to let me go until I somehow comforted the fearful look in his eyes.
“I gotta get out and get some fresh air.”
I began to walk toward the door, pulling away slowly from the warm touch of his hands.
Then an anxiety-ridden thought crossed through my mind. Did the government take Ethan, but not us? Is the government waiting right outside for us? I stopped in my tracks, the chill tingling down my spine causing my body to convulse slightly.
I felt Hunter put a hand on my back. Even his touch couldn’t begin to melt the icy film that had enveloped my body. There was suddenly a feeling inside of me that made me want to scream. I could feel my legs tense up as my mind battled with the urge to run and jump off a building. I can’t take this! All I want is to die. All I want is no more pain. A mind-numbing terror made its way through my body, as the devastation and hell of my reality came to the forefront of my mind. And instead, the government will make me live forever in a state of torturous agony.
“I know what you’re afraid of,” Hunter said. He looked at me with his warm face, that began to wrap around me like a blanket with its energy. “But we can’t stop it.” He sighed, the vibrant life that used to once be inside of him had long fleeted. “Natalie, there’s nothing we can do but accept it.”
I stepped outside into the hallway, looking at the paint on the walls that was starting to chip, and the dark floors and ceiling that were covered in grime and filth. Surprisingly, most of the place had little vandalism or graffiti; the people must have truly treated this place like it was their real home. I glanced into one of the dozens of apartments, most of which had groups of people still cooped up inside of them. All the people were struggling, just like us, but for different reasons. They had lost their freedom monetarily; we’d lost our freedom to live completely. Yet the same empty, defeated look seemed to reside in all of our eyes, no matter what freedom we’d lost.
“That’s bullshit,” I snapped back at him, my tone much harsher than I mean for it to be. I winced, trying to ignore the pain in my shoulder. “We don’t have to accept this crap. We don’t have to live in hell if we don’t want to.”
“But we can’t do anything to stop it.” Hunter had to speed walk, to keep up with my torrent pace down the hallway. “Natalie, we are powerless.”
“Well, I have this power left.”
I impulsively grabbed onto the rail at the top of the first step, and sat on top of the metal railing to let my feet dangle above the cement below. It was just a mere five-story drop if I managed to fall the right way. Do it. There was a voice inside my mind, maybe the voice of death himself, that enticed me to liberate myself from this wretched world. I could even feel a brisk gust of wind brush down the hallway, and give me a gentle nudge off the railing.
“No!” Hunter screamed desperately, grabbing onto my body and pulling me backward over the railing. “No,” he repeated again, his voice much calmer. He shot me a stern, worried look like a parent would after their kid tries to do something stupid.
“Hunter.”
I started briskly walking down the stairs, staring down at the cement below that made up the base of the building. For some reason, I felt my body have the urge to be glued to the cold pavement for the rest of my life, rather than forced to look upon the icy eyes of President Ash even once.
“What other option do we have? What else can we do?” I asked.
“Nothing.” His voice was firm, yet I could see the look of anger and despair in his eyes.
“See? Exactly.” I found myself already getting out of breath, and I had barely made it down past the third floor. The throbbing pain in my shoulder was now turning into a nerve-pinching burn, that only got worse with each step.
“No, but Natalie, that doesn’t matter.” His tone was distraught. “We can’t just take the easy way out. We can’t just end it all like that. It’s unjust; it’s just not right.” The passion in his face was exemplified by his cheeks that creased with every word. “We were given this life by something that is out there, and I don’t care who or what you think it is, we can’t just throw that gift away!”
“Well, maybe you can’t. But I can.” My voice had grown louder as well, and it was the first time in forever that Hunter and I had gotten into an argument. And it was certainly the first time that we’d gotten into an argument about me killing myself (actually, there had been one other time, but I would like to forget about that).
“Well, I won’t let you.” There were now tears in Hunter’s eyes as he bounded down the steps after me. He probably thought I was running away from him, when, in reality, I didn’t even know what I was running away from. I just needed to run.
I finally made it to the bottom of the large open stair case, and opened the door that led to where the elevators were located on the first floor. Before I could respond, my mouth draped open in shock as my eyes peered out the cracked glass doors that led out to the horrid world.
“Get in the car!” It was Ethan, with his black hair as messy as ever, and with the determination in his voice so loud that it almost hurt my face when it hit me. He was standing in front of a practically ancient, black Ford Mustang, one made in the early 2000s.
“What’s going on?” Hunter said, rushing out of the two glass doors, his hands raised.
I could see the people, who were just beginning to wake up, peering out their windows in the neighboring apartment buildings to witness the commotion.
“Get in the fucking car!” Ethan hollered pugnaciously, with his fists balled up. He stormed over to the driver’s side door and hopped into the seat frantically.
How the hell did he get this car? I felt a surge of fear and doubt course through me.
“Ethan, stop!” Hunter opened the door to the backseat, and threw up a hand to try and slow him down.
Ethan revved the engine obnoxiously, and screamed again, “Get in the fucking car, now!”
Hunter jumped into the backseat of the car before Ethan could jet off, and feeling flustered and shocked, my body instinctively jumped into the backseat too. Hunter then slammed the door, just in time before Ethan slammed on the gas, sending both Hunter and I flying forward in our seats.
I glanced at Ethan, who drove with his hands grasped viciously around the wheel, and then I looked up at Hunter, who had a look of frustration and pure rage in his eyes.
And we’re off. I let a hopeful feeling surge through my veins. Next stop: death.
Chapter 14
Every time Hunter tried to ask a question, Ethan would scream belligerently. At one point, Hunter even threatened to open the door and jump out onto the side of the road if Ethan didn’t give him an adequate explanation as to what was happening.
I, meanwhile, sat in silence, for fear that if I spoke up Ethan would throw me out of the car and leave me alone on the streets to be kidnapped by hitmen. I stared out the window, and even through the tears coating my eyes, could see the devastation of the poverty that had overcome the landscape. Everyone had nothing. Even the buildings have been left bare of color, and sucked dry of life. The people all lined the streets with their gray, emotionless faces, hopeful that the next car that drove by was a government vehicle coming to hand out the daily food rations.
There was an urge inside of me to help these people. There was a part of my mind that wanted to alleviate them from the same pain that I was feeling; but then I always stopped myself, knowing that even thinking about that was useless. If I could barely even manage to make my own life better than a piece of rotting, green shit,
then I highly doubted I could improve upon the substance of anyone else’s life. So I found it easier to pretend not to care. I found that it was less painful to lie to myself about my own reality, lie about the entire state of this damned world, instead of confronting the truth. But ironically my mind wanted the truth desperately; it wanted to be able to look reality and life in the face and accept the world for what it really was.
But I couldn’t. No matter how deep the anguish ran through me, I still just couldn’t relinquish myself from the made-up reality in my mind, that things might somehow get better. I still couldn’t let go of the fact that everything was all gone and that the love that I felt for everyone around me but myself needed to die. The government would make me confront the demons inside of me and open my eyes to the hopeless, detestable world we lived in. And frankly, I would rather have died than do that.
I would rather have killed myself.
“Ethan, for the last fucking time, cut this bullshit out and tell us what the hell is happening, right now!” Hunter yelled, way past the point of having lost his patience. His entire body fumed with anger as he screamed at Ethan.
I held Hunter’s shaking hand to try and calm him down, and also to pull him back if he tried to leap forward and strangle Ethan. I had never seen him get like that; he was usually the laid-back one, only on occasion even talking loudly. But his rage had reached the angry lunatic level, and I honestly didn’t want to find out what another level of rage looked like.
Ethan glanced at Hunter out of the corner of his eyes, and instead of screaming, stared forward blankly. Although we were speeding at least eighty-miles per hour up the ramp onto the highway, Ethan still managed to put his blinkers on as he switched lanes to merge onto the almost-empty freeway. Now that my eyes weren’t shut and bullets weren’t flying everywhere, I could finally observe the interior of the car. Besides last night, this was my first time riding in a vehicle that wasn’t autonomous, and it wasn’t as wildly different as I was expecting it to be. Except for the outdated tech of the car, like missing a holograph projector in the center and settings to adjust the placement of the chairs, it mostly appeared the same as the car my mother used to drive. Even though, practically all cars are self-drivable, the government required there still be someone seated in the driver’s seat to override the vehicle if it got hacked or glitched out, but most of the time the driver could just sit there and play games on the internet or talk with friends. So it was quite odd to see Ethan’s laser-focused eyes as he narrowed his vision on the road ahead of him.
Control Freakz Page 20