Carry My Baby

by Shanade White

  Slipping out of bed, he crept to his room and sat down on the bed, then unable to sit still he walked over to the window and looked out at the Alaskan wilderness that started just yards from their back door. Maybe it had been a mistake to hire Amanda as his surrogate, but he’d never dreamed that he’d lose control of himself like this, no other woman had ever made him feel this way. And those doubts made him wonder if he was ready to be a parent; thanks to his fascination with Amanda, he’d not been giving the baby much thought. Hadn’t even begun to prepare a room, look for a nanny, or any of the other things he was supposed to be doing.

  It occurred to him then that it might be a good idea for him to go home. Amanda could stay here, she’d have plenty to keep her busy. He had been gone a long time, Julien probably needed him for something. Thoughts of Julien made him smile; to think that Amanda had thought that they were a couple was so ridiculous, Julien was going to get a big kick out it when he told him the story. But then he realized he’d have to tell the entire story and the last thing he wanted to do was admit what had happened the night before, no one would think very highly of him when they found out, would surely think that he was taking advantage of Amanda.

  Now he was more convinced than ever that he needed to go home, if he stayed here with Amanda what happened last night would happen again, he knew that he wasn’t strong enough to resist her. The only solution to the problem was to put some distance between them, and the sooner the better. Getting in the shower he decided he’d leave this morning as soon as he could, it was still early so if he was lucky he’d be gone before Amanda woke up. It was a cowardly thought but he felt the panic beginning to rise at the thought of seeing her after the night before.

  He’d been on the road for two hours when his phone rang. Picking it up, he cringed. It was Seth and he knew that his cousin wasn’t going to be happy. “Hello,” he said, trying to sound normal.

  “Where the hell are you?” Seth demanded, clearly not in a good mood.

  “I’m about two hours out. Did you get my note?” Theo asked, innocently.

  “Oh, I got your note and so did Amanda. What are you thinking?”

  Theo took a deep breath and said, “I have some things I need to take care of back in Seattle, I won’t be gone long, but I already explained it in the note.”

  “What about Amanda? You didn’t tell her you were leaving. I get the feeling that it came as a shock to her.”

  “I left her a note too.” Theo was getting tired of defending himself.

  “There’s more going on here that you’re telling me. Something happened to make you run away and if it’s what I think it is, you should be ashamed of yourself,” Seth said, wishing that Theo would talk to him.

  “Look, I just need to go back to Seattle for a few weeks to get some things done. Can you watch out for Amanda for me?” Theo’s voice was full of the confusion that he was feeling and Seth could hear it.

  “If you need some time, take it, but I can’t help but think that you’re running away from something,” Seth said, deciding that it might be good for Theo to get away from Amanda for a while. “But I think you should call her, just leaving like that was pretty harsh, I think you hurt her feelings.”

  Theo knew that what he’d done was wrong, that he should have woken her before he left, but he’d been too afraid that he wouldn’t leave if he did. “I’ll call her when I get to Seattle,” was his answer, then he disconnected the call.

  Amanda spent the day in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom and to eat. She skipped her walks that day afraid that she’d run into someone and that they’d ask about Theo. He’d left her a note explaining that he had to go back to Seattle for business, but she couldn’t help but think that he’d run away from what they’d shared the night before. What bothered her the most, besides the fact that she felt a little cheap for letting him take her so easily, was that she didn’t understand why he’d run away.

  If he felt the same way about her as she did about him, then it wouldn’t have been so easy to use her and discard her the way he had. But deep down she knew that he hadn’t done that, something had scared him, and it was probably her. Maybe what she’d thought was satisfaction had really been disappointment, after all she wasn’t exactly a perfect ten, and with the pregnancy she’d blossomed in certain areas like her breasts and hips. She’d never really been good at sex either, hadn’t really had that many relationships if she was honest, so that might have been the problem too.

  For the rest of the day, she indulged her negative thoughts, promising herself that when the sun rose the next day that she’d make the most of her time here in Alaska. Soon enough she’d have to go back to Seattle and the lonely life she’d be leading in Theo’s house. She still had five months to go before the baby was born and she hoped that they went more smoothly than that first four had gone.

  Chapter 7

  When Seth walked out on the porch, he found Amanda exactly where he thought he would. Even after all these weeks in Homestead, this was still her favorite place to sit, but today she had a sketch book in her hands and was staring intently at it. Theo had been gone for two weeks, and although she seemed healthy and happy enough, he sensed an underlying sadness in her. He knew that it was Theo who was causing it, but wasn’t sure what might help.

  “Hey you, I thought I might find you out here,” Seth said, sitting down next to her.

  “I told you I’d never get tired of it,” Amada said, smiling at him. “I was trying to sketch the shoreline, but as you can see I’m not very good,” she added, showing him what she’d been working on.

  “Well…” Seth wasn’t sure what to say.

  Amanda laughed. “It’s okay, I know it’s really bad. I’ve never been much of an artist but I went to a seminar at the arts complex last night and I thought I’d give it a try. Something to keep me occupied.”

  Seth was silent for a moment wondering how to ask what he’d come to ask. Finally he just got straight to the point. “Have you talked to Theo lately?”

  “We exchange emails every day,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “He hasn’t mentioned me going back to Seattle yet and honestly I’d rather be here, so I haven’t said anything either. At least here I can find things to do and people to talk to, there it’s just me and the housekeeper in that big house.”

  “I’m glad you’re enjoying your stay,” Seth said, his heart going out to her. She seemed so fragile all of the sudden, then it occurred to him what she needed.

  “Hey, I have an idea,” Seth said, some excitement in his voice.

  “I’m listening,” Amanda said, picking up on his excitement.

  “How would you like to spend some time in the village? It’s only a few hours from here by four-wheeler. You could leave here tomorrow and come home in a couple of weeks,” he suggested, thinking that this might just be the way to get Theo back to Homestead.

  “But wouldn’t that be dangerous?” Amanda asked, not wanting to get her hopes up.

  “We’d have to clear it with Heather, but I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to go as long as we take it slowly,” Seth assured her.

  “Theo wouldn’t like it,” she countered.

  “He’s not here is he. I think this is a great idea. Marci will be thrilled to have you, she loves company and you’ll love her.” Seth had pretty much decided that it was a done deal.

  Amanda wasn’t as sure as Seth that it was a good idea but soon got swept up by his enthusiasm and before long she’d made an appointment with Heather that afternoon.

  “I’ll take you myself and come back up to bring you home,” Seth said, when she told him that she wanted to go. “Then I’ll know that you’ll be safe.”

  Amanda had been in the village staying with Marci for a week when she first felt the baby kick, it took her breath away for a second, then made her smile. There had been plenty of fluttering in her belly but never anything like what she’d just felt, and a burst of love for the little life inside her made her
feel light headed. She’d never anticipated that she’d feel this way, that something that didn’t even belong to her could fill her with such love, it was going to be far harder than she’d thought to walk away when this was all over.

  But she’d do what she had to, she really had no choice. Theo’s continued absence had convinced her that what had happened between them had been a mistake, a mistake she’d make again given the chance but a mistake none the less. Feeling as she did now made it much easier to understand why the surrogate agency was so reluctant to match them up; they had understood that no matter how much she said that she didn’t want children, carrying one created a bond that had nothing to do with blood.

  She was pulled from her dark thoughts by a man in his mid-forties, they’d met a few days ago when she’d been talked into telling one of her stories about growing up with her brothers. During her stay in the village she’d learned a lot about the culture of the people who lived here; it was a combination of the old ways and new, mixed until at times it was hard to tell which was which. But one tradition that had survived for generations was storytelling and as Theo had pointed out, she was an excellent storyteller.

  Struggling to remember his name, she gestured to the open spot next to her on the bench. To her relief, he sat down then immediately held out his hand. “I’m Michael, we met the other night, but I didn’t know if you’d remember.”

  Amanda blushed. “I didn’t, but it’s nice to meet you again.”

  The sat in silence for a while, a habit practiced in the village that she’d had no problem adopting, but the longer the silence went on the more curious she became. Finally, he asked, “Is it true that you’re a writer?”

  It was the last question she expected and she laughed. “I’m an aspiring writer. I’ve yet to write anything.”

  “But you are also a storyteller,” Michael said, not one to waste words.

  “I guess, but those are just stories about my brothers, nothing like the legends you tell,” Amanda protested, wondering where this was going.

  “Those stories are just as important as the legends,” he said, looking directly into her eyes. “They tell of real life, we can connect to them.”

  Amanda had never thought about it that way before. “I see what you mean.”

  Michael nodded his head as if he’d come to a decision. “We will meet and tell stories tomorrow night to celebrate the new moon. You will join us and share one of your stories.”

  Amanda was speechless and very pleased. “I would love to,” she said, feeling a little nervous already.

  “I will come to Marci’s and get you after dinner,” Michael said, then stood and walked away.

  The next night Amanda found herself walking between Michael and Marci, who had decided to come along and offer moral support. “It’s not that I don’t think that you can’t get up and talk in front of all those people, I just think it will be easier with a friendly face in the crowd.”

  “Well, thank you. I am a little nervous,” Amanda said, glad that her new friend had come along.

  “Do you know what story you’re going to tell? What’s the moral of the story? Oh, no, don’t tell me I want to be surprised.” Marci was almost as excited as Amanda was.

  Marci looked over at Marci. “Moral? I don’t know what the moral of the story is, I’m not sure it has one.” She’d never considered that part of the storytelling process.

  “Oh, every story has a moral. You just have to look for it, but don’t worry if you don’t have one, I’m sure the elders will find it,” Marci reassured her.

  Sure, enough when Amanda finished her story, there was a lot of applause, but one of the elders held up her hand and asked, “And what is the lesson that we should learn from the little girl losing her braids?”

  Amanda felt her face flame. “I didn’t’ think it had one, but it might be that jealousy is a bad thing,” she said, wishing that she could sit down.

  There were mummers of ascent from the crowd, but then someone proposed a different moral, followed by another and another. Finally, the elder who had spoken raised her hand again, “You see, young Amanda, every story has a lesson to tell us, you just have to look for that lesson.”

  “Thank you, grandmother, I’ll remember that next time,” Amanda said with respect and sat down, relieved that it was over.

  “And we’ll look forward to hearing a new story from you soon,” the woman said, nodding to Amanda, then smiling a big toothy grin.

  Theo stood in the back of the lodge unable to believe his eyes, Amanda was standing in the center of the group, all eyes on her. Her face was glowing, her eyes sparkling in the fire light as she wove the story she was telling. It was a side of her that he hadn’t seen before. Her rounded belly was hard to miss but it only made her that much more appealing to him, reinforcing his theory that his attraction to her was only hormonal. Still the desire spread through him, followed by anger, which was the only defense again the immense relief he felt at seeing her healthy and fine.

  When he’d finally called Seth to check on her six weeks after he left, Seth had said, “She’s fine as far as I know.”

  “What do you mean as far as you know?” Theo asked.

  “I haven’t seen her for a few weeks, she’s up in the village staying with Marci,” Seth had answered as if it was no big deal.

  Theo’s heart began to pound in his chest. “The village? You mean the one that’s twenty miles from Homestead?”

  “Yep, that one. You’ve been there,” Seth said, innocently.

  “What is she doing there? How did she get there?” Theo was getting angry; the village was the last place he’d have expected Amanda to go in her condition.

  “I took her myself, it’s only a few hours’ ride from Homestead.”

  “Have you lost your mind? She shouldn’t be riding a four-wheeler. When is she coming back?” Theo was beginning to feel a mounting sense of panic, anything could happen to Amanda and the baby between the village and Homestead.

  “I’m going to get her next week,” Seth said, setting his trap.

  “Next week? You need to go get her now,” Theo practically yelled into the phone.

  “I can’t do that. Too much to do here, next week is the soonest I can get there,” he’d said, his voice calm compared to Theo’s.

  Theo was silent for a second then he made a decision, “I’m going to get a flight tonight and go get her myself. You never should have taken her up there.” Then he’d disconnected the call, unaware that Seth was smiling with satisfaction as he listened to the click.

  But just because she was safe and he wanted her even more than he had before didn’t mean that he wasn’t mad that she’d come up here. He wanted to storm into the middle of the circle and drag her out, but that would be taking thing a little too far, so he leaned up against the wall, crossed his arms over his chest and prepared to wait. As he stood there, he realized just how exhausted he was, it had taken a commercial flight, plus a charter plane, and three hours of driving to get to Homestead, then he’d slept for a few hours and gotten on the trail.

  Soon the sound of Amanda’s voice began to calm him and he was drawn into the story before he realized it. She really did have a talent for telling a story, so it was no wonder that the villagers had embraced her so warmly, they were people who appreciated a good story. As the story came to a close, not a sound could be heard in the lodge, every eye in the room was trained on Amanda, then with a wit he’d never witnessed in her before, she wrapped up the story, leaving everyone laughing.

  The crowd began to cheer and Amanda took a little bow, but then she stopped and looked around the lodge, making eye contact with as many people as she could. “You may think the story is over, but let me remind you that this story repeats itself over and over in our lives, so when you find yourself in this same situation remember this story and the lesson it teaches us,” she said, then looked around the room again to keep the villagers in suspense. This time her eyes found Theo’s in the g
loom at the back of the room.

  When their eyes met, hers got big and he could see her take a deep breath, but she recovered quickly. “Remember that living our lives constantly reaching for something that is beyond our grasp is no life at all, to really live we have to embrace what we have and be satisfied. Live for today, not for what might come along tomorrow, because tomorrow might never come.”

  By the time Amanda made her way to the back of the room where Theo was standing with his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the wall, she knew that he was very angry. She’d never seen his face look quite so fierce, his eyes a shade of light blue that practically cut through her as she approached him. The fact that he was here and looked like he’d been traveling for days wasn’t a good thing, no matter how she looked at it, it was clear that he was unhappy with her.

  “Theo, what are you doing here?” she asked, smiling at him.

  “I came here to ask you the same thing,” he said, his mouth a grim line.

  “Seth suggested that I come for a few weeks, and it’s been wonderful. I’ve learned so much while I’ve been here and I’ve been really careful. Everything is fine, Heather was just here. I know I should have told you but I was afraid you’d tell me I couldn’t come. I’m glad I did too, I’ve learned so much and I think it’s going to help a lot with my writing.” Amanda couldn’t seem to stop talking, hoping that he’d listen to her, that he’d understand that coming to the village had been good not bad for her.

  The last thing Theo wanted to hear about right then was Amanda’s writing career. “Honestly, I don’t care about any of that, all I care about is the risk you took coming up here,” Theo said, pulling her by the arm out of the lodge.

  When they got outside, she jerked her arm away from him feeling like a child and wanting to cry just like one. She took several deep breaths to get herself under control then said, “I’ve been trying to tell you that there wasn’t any risk coming up here. It was an easy trip and Heather said it would be fine if I came, it’s not like we’re in the middle of the wilderness, they have medical care here.”