On the Outside Looking In (Wrong Reasons)

by Paul, JL

  Jessica’s wriggling attracted my attention. She sat beside Spencer, smug look on her pretty face. Her eyes met mine and I noticed a glint of triumph.

  “What’s going on?” I asked again, a tad of anxiety leaking into my voice. “Is everything okay?”

  “We’ve been trying to keep something quiet for a while,” Bailey said. “But, we figured it was time to tell.”

  My eyes widened as I shoved my shaking hands under the table. “Is something wrong?”

  Bailey lifted her head, her eyes finding mine. She smiled. “I’m pregnant.”

  Silence hung in the air for a brief moment before my heart heaved a relieved breath. “Wow. That’s great!” I said as I gave her a hug. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks,” she said, a touch of red in her cheeks. “It wasn’t planned, but, well, it is what it is.”

  Collin grinned as he stood up to accept my hug. “Yeah, it was a surprise but I’m excited. We both are.”

  “When are you due?” I asked.

  “May,” Bailey said. “We’ve known for a couple of weeks but didn’t want to tell anyone yet.”

  “I understand,” I said. “I guess most people wait until they’re about three months before telling anyone.”

  “We finally told our parents tonight,” Bailey said.

  “What did they say?” I asked.

  “My dad was shocked,” Bailey said with a smirk. “But he finally came around.”

  “My parents were happy,” Collin added as his eyes shot over my head to his twin. “They want a wedding, though.”

  “They’re getting one,” Lucas said.

  Turning quickly, I looked at Irelyn who was fidgeting in her chair, her lips pressed together. She stuck out her left arm, wiggling her fingers. “Lucas and I are engaged!”

  My eyes grew wider than a tire. “Wow, a lot is happening!”

  “We were holding off telling our folks about the baby,” Collin said. “And then Lucas popped the question. We told Mom and Dad about the baby and then Lucas told them about the engagement.”

  “Smart plan,” I said, beaming.

  “I am so glad that they finally told,” Jessica said, taking Spencer’s hand. “I was so afraid that I’d slip and tell someone.”

  I managed to keep the expression on my face, not letting it fall and reveal anything other than happiness.

  “So, a baby in May,” I said, keeping my tone light. “When’s the wedding?”

  “We’re shooting for the end of June,” Irelyn said, reaching out to grab my hand. “I want Bailey to be able to fit into a dress.”

  I laughed, fighting a hurting heart.

  “And,” Irelyn said, squeezing my hand. “I want you to be in the wedding, too.”

  Lifting my free hand, I covered our joined hands. “Of course. I’d be honored.”

  “Great,” Lucas said, rising from his seat. He opened the refrigerator and started passing out beers. I took one even though I wasn’t crazy about the taste, and toasted the happy couples.

  “I can’t wait to go dress shopping,” Jessica said, taking a long drink from her bottle. “What are you thinking about, Irelyn? Any ideas?”

  “No, not really,” Irelyn said. “I haven’t really had time to think about it.”

  “You will,” I said. “You can start by checking out online – looking at different styles and colors.”

  “I’ve got a bunch of bride magazines,” Jessica said. “From my sister’s wedding. I’ll bring them to work tomorrow.”

  “Thanks,” Irelyn said.

  “I have an entire file on my laptop,” Jessica continued. “All sorts of notes and stuff about her wedding. I’ll bring my laptop over one day and we can go through it.”

  I refrained from rolling my eyes. I didn’t want to bring any sort of negativity to the festivities. Irelyn was as gleeful as I’d ever seen her and Bailey, despite the act, was positively radiant.

  “And,” Jessica said, shifting her focus to Bailey. “My sister’s best friend just had a baby. My sister threw a shower for her. I bet I can get stuff from my sister…”

  “I’m not worrying about a shower at this moment,” Bailey said as she got up to refill her mug. “It’s a little early for that.”

  “Oh, okay,” Jessica said, slumping into Spencer. He slid an arm around her.

  Bailey returned to her seat, facing me. “What have you been up to lately? Seeing anyone?”

  “No,” I said as a blush crept up my neck. “I’ve just been working and studying.”

  “Um, hm,” Bailey said, biting back a smirk. “Then who was that guy walking with you on campus the other day? I saw him get into your car.”

  My brow furrowed as I struggled to remember, finally realizing what she meant. “Oh, you mean Evan.”

  “Evan?” Irelyn asked, leaning forward. “Does he go to Dunne-Browling?”

  “No,” I said. “He comes into Beans sometimes, that’s all.”

  “Evan from Rusty’s?” Jessica asked, eyes narrowed. “Evan McNew?”

  “Yes,” I said. “He’s just a friend. He asked me for a ride the other day and I gave him one.”

  “Evan from Rusty’s?” Irelyn asked as she looked at Jessica. “I don’t know an Evan.”

  “He’s a part-time bartender,” Jessica said. “He knows Rusty.”

  “I know who you’re talking about,” Bailey said. “He’s that good looking guy that tends bar on Fridays. The one all the girls are stupid over.”

  That wasn’t the Evan I knew. Sure, he was good looking, but I’d never seen any girls fawn over him or anything. Well, maybe Manda, but I hadn’t seen her since that one day in Beans.

  “He’s a manwhore, Morg,” Bailey said, blowing on her tea before taking a sip. “At least, that’s what I hear.”

  “Evan McNew,” Lucas said. “Didn’t he run around with Owen?”

  I swallowed as the air grew heavy and eyes avoided one another.

  “I know who you’re talking about,” Collin said. “I’ve seen him at Rusty’s.”

  Desperately I wanted the conversation to shift. I rifled through the files in my head, hoping to find something to throw out – something that would distract everyone – but couldn’t find anything.

  “Watch out for him, Morg,” Spencer said, all humor gone from his eyes. Perhaps he was remembering what a jerk Owen was.

  “There’s nothing to watch out for,” I said. “Evan is a friend, that’s all. And I wouldn’t really even call him a friend, I guess. We just talk from time to time.”

  “He seems all right to me,” Lucas said as he got up to retrieve another round of beers. “I’ve talked to him a few times. I don’t think he’s like Owen.”

  “But if he’s a friend of Owen’s, you need to watch out,” Collin said, steel in his eyes.

  Lips pursed, I accepted another beer from Lucas, nothing left to say.

  ***

  “What are you doing tonight?” Dante asked as he mixed up a complicated coffee drink. I watched, amazed at his talent.

  “I don’t know,” I said.

  “It’s Friday,” he said, shaking a can of whipped cream. He sprayed a tall, swirly design on top of the drink before handing it to me with a smile. “You need to get out and do something fun.”

  Turning my back on him, I delivered the drink to the waiting customer, thanking her for waiting. When she walked to a table, Dante joined me at the counter, leaning on it as he gazed at the small crowd.

  “So, are you going to do something?” he asked.

  “I was thinking about going to Rusty’s,” I said. “Out Back is playing.”

  “Didn’t they sign with an indie label?”

  “Yes, but they haven’t started recording yet,” I explained. “And they still have a contract with Rusty’s.”

  “Cool,” he said.

  We stood side by side, our gazes locked on the street outside the window, bathed in streetlights. People rushed past, bundled up in coats, scarves, and gloves, in a hurry to get
from one place to another.

  I hadn’t received an invitation to Rusty’s that evening – not that I needed one. I’d be more than welcome to join Irelyn and Bailey. And I didn’t need one from Evan, either. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. I was happy for my friends and the new changes in their lives, but I didn’t want to put up with Jessica and her smugness. I knew that I shouldn’t let Jessica come between me and my friends – especially since we were just getting things back on track – but she irritated me so much.

  And then there was Evan who was sure to be working. After the encounter with Owen and the things that people had said about him, I couldn’t face him. What would I say? How would I act?

  And what did I feel?

  Against my better judgment, I decided to go. I wasn’t going to run or hide anymore. I wasn’t going to be that girl who sat at home crying. I wanted my friends back into my life and it was up to me to make sure that happened.

  Rusty’s was crowded, unlike the last time I’d been there. I located Irelyn and Bailey immediately at the usual table and was thrilled to not see Jessica.

  After a warm greeting, we settled in with our drinks, waiting for the band to start. Both girls looked a bit more relaxed than the last time I’d seen them, as if everything had sunk in and the excitement had worn off.

  Unable to stop myself, I asked about Jessica.

  “She’s working a double today,” Irelyn said. “She’ll be here in a little bit.”

  “Oh,” I said as I scanned the bar, my eyes automatically searching for Evan. After the conversation about Evan at Bailey’s house, I was a bit curious to see if any of it was true.

  Sure enough, when I located him behind the bar, there were three or four girls seated in front of him, flirting and vying for his attention. I’d never paid much attention before – he was always so irritating that I never noticed anything else.

  The band hopped on stage, dragging my attention away from Evan and right to Spencer. My heart twinged as I watched Spencer pick up his guitar, strapping it around his neck. Plucking a pick from the strings at the neck of the instrument, he strummed a few times before nodding at Lucas. Shortly after, they began to play.

  I forgot everything as I listened. I didn’t care if there were a hundred women at the bar, lusting over Evan. I wasn’t concerned that Spencer was dating such a horrible girl. And I wasn’t particularly fussed that the relationship with my friends wasn’t as strong as it used to be. I just lost myself in the music.

  Our waitress kept us supplied with drinks: diet soda for Irelyn and I and ice water with a lime for Bailey. It was the first time the three of us sat in this bar and didn’t drink alcohol.

  All too soon, the first set was over. I excused myself to use the restroom, shooting glances at the bar on the way. Evan was too busy satisfying customer demands to notice me. With a shrug, I pushed open the bathroom door, figuring I’d stop at the bar to say hi on my way back to the table. I wasn’t eager to engage him in conversation but I couldn’t ignore him, either.

  When I finished, I washed my hands, checking my appearance in the mirror. As I was drying, the door opened and I caught Jessica’s reflection.

  “Morgan,” she said, clicking her tongue.

  “Hi, Jessica,” I said.

  Rolling her eyes, she approached the sink, leaning over it to fuss with her makeup, smacking her lips. “I figured you’d be here.”

  “Oh?” I asked, clinging to my polite façade. “Why wouldn’t I be here?”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” she said, turning dramatically away from the mirror, her hands gripping the counter behind her back. “You don’t belong here – or, at least at our table.”

  Anger rippled throughout my body. “Why is that? Irelyn and Bailey are my friends.”

  “They let you hang around because they feel sorry for you,” Jessica said as if explaining primary colors to a preschooler.

  “That’s not true,” I said, keeping my head high and beating back my anger.

  “Sure it is,” she said. “They feel bad for you because you follow them around like a little lost puppy. Haven’t you noticed that you’re always the last to know things? They only include you in things because they feel some sort of obligation. It’s pathetic, really.”

  “Whatever,” I said, shaking my head. “Irelyn and Bailey are not like that.”

  Shrugging, she turned back to the mirror. “Believe what you want, I don’t care.”

  “Good,” I said as I walked toward the door.

  “But maybe you should consider something else,” she said, stopping me in my tracks. “You sit at our table like a third wheel. You gawk at the guys on the stage, wishing one of them would look at you like a woman and not like a cute little friend.”

  I took a deep breath, my hand on the door knob. “You’re so full of yourself.”

  “Am I?” she said, turning to me with a fake smile, fluttering her eyelashes. “Why don’t you get your own boyfriend, huh? Quit living through the rest of us. You hang on every word, breathing it in like it’s your life.”

  Narrowing my eyes, I shook my head. “You’re wrong.”

  “Am I?” she asked, as she took a step forward. “I see how you watch Spencer and I know you still have a thing for him.”

  I sucked in a breath, holding it in so that it puffed out my chest. “He’s my friend.”

  “Whatever,” she said. “You want him so badly. You hope that he’ll dump me for you. You want him crying on your shoulder, calling you all the time like he used to do.”

  “Yes,” I said, releasing the breath. “He used to call me and confide in me, because we are friends.”

  “Not anymore,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “You make him uncomfortable, always hanging around. He’s only nice to you because that’s the type of person he is. He doesn’t even consider you a friend anymore. Like I said, you’re that annoying little puppy that won’t go away.”

  She flashed another fake, sarcastic smile before brushing past me and walking out of the room. I stood there, trembling from head to toe, wondering how I’d be able to sit at that table and pretend like nothing happened. It wasn’t possible. Even though I’d vowed earlier to not be that girl who sits home and cries, the one who didn’t run and hide, I’d been wrong. I was exactly that girl – a coward.

  Checking my composure in the mirror, I walked out of the room and back to the table. I pasted a smile on my face as I greeted the guys, slipping my coat off the back of my chair.

  “Hey, great set,” I said. “I can’t hang around for the next one – I have an early shift tomorrow.”

  “Oh,” Irelyn said, the smile slipping off her face. “That sucks.”

  “I know,” I said, my cheeks beginning to ache from my stiff smile. I didn’t dare glance in Jessica’s direction. “I’ll talk to you later, though.”

  Without another word, I spun on my heel, clutching my emotions with both hands, hoping that I would be able to hold onto it until I got to the car.

  “Hey, Morgan,” Evan said, wading through the crowd.

  I waved at him over my shoulder as I pushed through the doors and fled to my car.

  Chapter Eight

  As soon as I got home, I sank to my favorite chair without even removing my coat. Jessica’s words floated in my mind, churning over and over like clothes in a washing machine. What she said about Irelyn and Bailey was wrong – they weren’t like that. Not at all.

  But what about the things she said concerning Spencer? Had he told her about the summer and everything that had happened? Or maybe Irelyn had during a slow shift at the diner.

  My insides burned with shame at the thought of Jessica knowing everything that had happened. She knew that Spencer had confided in me. She knew that I’d acted irrationally and jealously. She knew that I had feelings for him.

  Gazing out the window, my eyes blurred as I recalled all the conversations I’d had with Spencer. He’d been hurt after his break up with Bailey. He’d suspected
that she was seeing someone else and we’d spent hours speculating who it could be. Neither of us ever figured that it was Collin, but it certainly made sense after the fact.

  The ringing of my cellphone brought me back to the present. I dug it out of my pocket, sighing when Evan’s name popped up on the screen. Closing my eyes, I answered, hoping to make it a quick conversation so I could get back to my self-pity.

  “Hi, Evan.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked as music and laughter drifted through the phone. “You looked upset.”

  “I’m fine,” I said, forcing a cheerfulness that I did not feel. “I have to work early tomorrow.”

  “I saw you go into the bathroom,” he continued as if he hadn’t heard anything that I’d said. “A little bit later I saw Jessica come out and then you after that. Next thing I know, you’re rushing out of the bar, looking like you were about to cry.”

  “I wasn’t about to cry,” I said. “And do you normally watch who walks in and out of the women’s room?”

  “Only when it’s you,” he said. “I can cut out of here in about an hour. Do you want me to come by?”

  “No,” I said, a little too quickly. I took a breath and released it as quietly as possible. “No, really, I’m fine. I’m about to go to bed. Remember, I have to work early tomorrow.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” I said. “I’m sure.”

  Silence followed – but only between us. I could still hear Out Back playing in the background along with raucous laughter. Female laughter.

  “Thanks for calling, Evan,” I said. “I’m really fine. Honest. I just wanted to get some sleep.”

  “All right,” he sighed. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

  “Tomorrow?”

  “Yeah,” he said and I could almost hear the smile in his voice. “When I come in for coffee.”

  “Oh, okay,” I said. “Well, goodnight.”

  I ended the call quickly, setting my phone on the windowsill. With another sigh, I got up and removed my coat, hanging it on the back of a kitchen chair.

  My heart was heavy, burdened with Jessica’s painful words, but I refused to break down again. I’d pretty much sobbed all the way home and had thought that that would suffice. Obviously I was wrong.