To Hope Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 3)

by Lillianna Blake

  When dinner was done and Jillian still hadn’t shown up, he called her again. The call went straight to voicemail. Worried, he crossed the distance between their homes and knocked on her door. He could see a light on upstairs in her bedroom, but she didn’t come to the door. He pounded again and again but she didn’t come to the door.

  Her car was in the driveway. He realized that she’d stood him up. She’d let her fear win once again. He couldn’t deny the fury that swirled through him.

  He returned to the house and threw the dinner he’d cooked for her into the garbage. He wanted to sling pots and pans across the room, but he resisted. He didn’t want to let his anger control him any more.

  Kate was gone from his life, and all he wanted was Jillian to be part of it. He had to show her that he wasn’t going to be pushed away.

  When he woke the next morning, he was just as determined. Maybe it hurt him that she hadn’t shown up, maybe she didn’t really want to be with him, maybe all of the passion was one-sided—but if that was the case, Jillian would have to tell him to his face. It was the only way he would believe it.

  “I’m not going to let you run from me, Jillian—not this time.”

  He sat on the porch and waited. He knew she would come out eventually. He tried not to be angry, as he didn’t want to present himself that way, but every minute that ticked by made it more difficult to control his frustration. Why hadn’t she shown up for dinner? Why was a simple meal such a hard thing for her to endure?

  If he could honestly believe that she felt nothing for him, it would be easier, but he knew that his instincts weren’t off. He knew that when she looked into his eyes, she felt something as intense and unshakable as he did. So why did she deny it? He risked being hurt the moment a kiss stopped being a kiss, but he still hadn’t expected this from her.

  When the door swung open, he jumped to his feet. She didn’t look in his direction as she hurried to her car. His face grew hot.

  “Jillian!”

  She fumbled with her keys.

  He crossed the space between their two driveways and paused beside the car. “Jillian, what happened last night?”

  Despite the fact that he was only inches from her, she didn’t look at him. She shoved the key into the lock and started to open the door.

  Mateo pushed his palm against it and closed it again. He held it shut. “Jillian, talk to me.”

  “No.” She stared at the car window.

  “Why not?” He tried to meet her eyes. “What do you have to be angry about? I’m the one who was stood up.”

  “I’m sure you didn’t mind that.” She stole a glance toward him.

  “What are you talking about?” He shifted a little closer to her. “Of course I minded. I’ve tried to be patient. I told you I would take things slow. I know you’re scared, but you couldn’t even call me? Leave me a note? Something? I sat there waiting for you. I know you were home last night, and you refused to open the door.”

  “Why are you lying? I know that Kate spent the night with you last night. I know that you took her back.” Jillian sighed and closed her eyes. “It’s okay, Mateo. I understand. Please, just get out of my way so that I can leave.”

  “Kate? You think Kate spent the night?” He grasped the curve of her elbow. “That’s not what happened, Jillian.”

  “Please don’t lie to me. Please. I know that you’re still in love with her. I know that she’s the one you want. I saw you wiping her lipstick off your mouth.” Jillian tore her arm from his grasp and started to walk off in the direction of the lake.

  He ducked in front of her and blocked her path. “Don’t do this. Don’t walk away from me without even giving me the chance to explain.”

  “What is there to explain?” She blinked back tears as she looked at him. “I was a fool for ever thinking that things could end any differently, but I took that risk. It’s not your fault. I’m happy for you, Mateo—that you have the love of your life back in your life.”

  Mateo gritted his teeth. He wanted to scream at the thought of Kate being the love of his life, but it was more important to him to convey just how he felt to Jillian.

  “Jillian, I told you once that if I’d known you existed, I never would have stopped looking for you. I promise you that, no matter what you believe happened last night, that hasn’t changed. You are the love of my life. I have no doubt in my mind about that. No matter how long it takes me to prove that to you, I will prove it.”

  “Stop, Mateo. Please.”

  “No.” He brushed his hands across the tops of her shoulders and curled his palms around the back of her neck. “Look at me, Jillian. You look at me, and tell me that you believe I willingly kissed Kate. Tell me that you believe I would hurt you that way. Tell me that you can’t see how much I love you.”

  She met his eyes but didn’t speak a word.

  He held her gaze and tried not to crumble at the sight of her tears. When he spoke again, it was in a whisper. “Maybe once I thought Kate was the only one for me, but that was only because I had no idea what it was like to be truly seen, to be known by a woman that I could trust. You saw past my anger, past my heartbreak, and knew who I was from the first moment we met. Maybe I’m not perfect, maybe I have some growing to do, but I want to do that with you, Jillian—no one else. I wouldn’t do anything to risk that.”

  “Mateo, we just rushed into this. It’s just too fast and too—”

  “No.” He tightened his grasp on her. “Don’t do that.” He held her gaze. “What we have is real. I can’t let you run away from this.”

  “I don’t want to run.” Her voice wavered. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it. That terrifies me.”

  “It’s okay.” He leaned close and kissed her forehead. “I’m not going anywhere, Jillian. I know you’re frightened, but we can overcome that together. We’ve found each other—despite all the odds stacked against us, despite the distractions and grief that we’ve faced in our lives, we still found our way to one another. I can’t imagine anything more powerful than that.”

  She tilted her lips up against his and kissed him.

  As passion ignited within him, he was flooded with emotions—from joy to fear to longing. They weren’t just his own. He cradled her close, with a promise of loyalty and a promise of comfort.

  They had a long road of healing ahead of them, but he was confident that nothing could tear them apart.

  Dear Reader,

  We hope that you’ve enjoyed “To Hope Again.”

  We’d appreciate it if you would take a moment to leave an honest review here:

  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B019P6ODAM

  Also, be sure to sign up for the mailing list to be notified of new “Forty and Free” releases and special offers. This sign-up also includes a free book from Lillianna’s “Single Wide Female” fun chick lit series. You can sign up for that here:

  http://lilliannablake.com

  Sincerely,

  Lillianna & Maci

  P.S. If you enjoy chick lit be sure to check out the first book of Lillianna’s debut series, “Single Wide Female: The Bucket List” - it’s available for free at Amazon, and there’s a preview included in this book.

  We’ve also included a preview for our cozy mystery series, “Lifeguards and Liars.”

  Happy reading!

  Please enjoy the following preview for

  Book 1 of Single Wide Female: The Bucket List

  #1 Learn Pole Dancing

  (currently Free at Amazon)

  Chapter 1

  I ran my fingertips over the well-worn piece of notebook paper. It had ridges from the amount of times I’d folded it up and tucked it away. I had written the list at a time when I didn’t really believe I would ever actually accomplish anything on it. But I had, and now it was time to look at the next item.

  I rolled over on my bed and stared down at it. When I had added it to my list, it was just a fun little whim, not something I thought I would actually do. But then
again, I never would have thought I’d be able to lose so much weight either.

  “What was I thinking?” I said out loud as I gnawed on the pencil between my teeth. I was tempted to just erase the item and replace it with something else. No one would have to know. But I would know. I cringed at the idea of actually following through with it. But I had to do it. I had to. It was on the list. I groaned and rolled over on my bed. I stared up at the cracks in my ceiling for a moment. Then I sat up with a new determination.

  “Yes, I will do this,” I said, looking down at the item on the list. “Pole dancing class, here I come.” I was attempting to sound brave for myself, when I caught sight of the time on my alarm clock.

  I grabbed my jeans out of the laundry basket beside my bed, and slid the pants up over my hips with my eyes squeezed shut. With a sigh of relief, I let out the belly I had been struggling to hold in. I didn’t think the zipper would slide up so easily, but it did with one smooth zip. I smiled at my reflection in the tall mirror as I studied the way that my jeans hugged my hips and rear. All of my hard work, all of the passed-up snacks, had really paid off. My body looked different and I felt different.

  “Hey, you sexy lady,” I said to the shapely woman in the mirror, twisting my hips first one way and then the other. “Do you come here often?” I asked in the deepest voice I could muster and batted my long lashes at my own reflection.

  “Uh, Sam?” a voice said from the doorway of my bedroom.

  I froze and held my breath for another reason. It was Max. Max, my best friend. Max, with the deep green eyes and a body that would make any woman glance in his direction. I turned around slowly to face him, not wanting him to see what I knew would be sheer embarrassment on my face.

  “What?” I asked as innocently as I could.

  He stared at me with one quirked eyebrow, looking as sexy as ever. Max was not conventionally handsome, but a quirky kind of cute, like the kind of guy that got the lead in romantic movies. Not drop-dead gorgeous, but just goofy enough to grow on you and make you think he was adorable by the end of the movie.

  “I’ve heard of bisexual, but what would you call it if you try to pick yourself up?” He smiled and leaned against the doorway.

  God, but that smile made me want to snuggle right up to him.

  Friend, I reminded myself. Max, my friend. No matter what my fantasies wanted to believe, we had never been anything more than that. Of course, when my eyes were closed late at night he played a very active role in my life.

  “I don’t discriminate, Max. If I see something as hot and lovely as the lady in the mirror happens to be, I’ve got to give it a shot.” I grinned, hoping he would not notice that I was mortified.

  “Well, I’d have to agree with you there,” he said with a laugh, and shook his head as he walked into my room.

  We had spent hours snuggled up on this very bed on several occasions. Him thinking we were just watching a movie, me praying he would lean over and kiss me. He never did. At least, not in reality. The things that he had done in my mind…

  “What are you up to today?” he asked, perched on the end of my bed.

  “I’m going out,” I said, fluffing my newly bleached blonde hair with my fingers.

  He was smiling as he watched me.

  “Are you going out to break some man’s heart?” he asked, brushing his thick dark hair away from his eyes.

  He was studying me intently. It always unnerved me when he looked at me so closely. I could never tell if it was with approval, desire, or confusion.

  “Sure, of course,” I said and stuck my tongue out at him.

  He tilted his head to the side. “So you don’t have a date?”

  “Stop it, Max.” I sighed and shook my head as I turned away from him. Only then did I spot the black leotard and tights still lying on the bed. I felt a rush of horror flood me. If Max saw them, he’d be full of questions that I didn’t want to answer.

  “Stop what?” he asked as he leaned back on the bed. His hand came to rest just beside the tights. “I’m just curious. You haven’t had a date in a while.”

  “Thanks for pointing that out.” I reached past him to nudge the leotard away from where he was sitting. Sometimes having a man for a best friend was not ideal. “I’ve had plenty of dates. You don’t know everything there is to know about me.”

  Of course I hadn’t had any dates lately, but Max didn’t need to know that. As confident as I was in my beauty, it would appear that being big and beautiful hadn’t translated to a man tripping head-over-heels in love with me—not yet anyways—a fact that was beginning to make me slightly nervous. At thirty-two, my clock wasn’t quite ticking just yet, but I did feel that I was ready to fall in love.

  “Then tell me,” Max said, jolting me out of my thoughts. “Are you keeping secrets from me?”

  “Secrets?” I laughed a little at the idea. In the fourteen years that Max and I had been friends I had never been able to keep a secret from him. But this time I was determined to do it. My dignity depended on it.

  I sat down on the bed next to him and slid my hand casually back across the bedspread toward the tights and leotard, now behind him on the bed.

  “So are you saving yourself for me, is that it?” he asked and met my eyes.

  Chapter 2

  With Max sitting so close I could feel the heat of the outside of his thigh pressed against my jeans. I tried to keep my breathing steady as I looked into his eyes. I knew that he was joking. I’d seen the women he dated, and they did not look like me. But he was always lavishing me with praise, as if I was just as beautiful. Sometimes, I wasn’t sure if he was teasing me or being serious, but he never put me down.

  “I’m going to a class,” I said quietly, snatching up my black leotard and tights.

  “What kind of class?” He leaned back on my bed, placing his hands behind him.

  “Sort of a dance class,” I said, thankful that I’d gotten the leotard out of the way before he could spot it.

  “What’s this?” Max sat up with a piece of paper in his hand.

  I thought nothing of it at first, until I realized what it was.

  “Max, give me that!”

  My heart was pounding. I so did not want to deal with telling him about this right now. But he was already reading it.

  “Pole dancing,” he read out loud. “Why is this highlighted and surrounded by stars?” He glanced up at me as I lunged across the bed, grabbing the list out of his hand.

  “Mine!” I said just a little too loudly, and he laughed.

  “Is that the dance class? Pole dancing?” He narrowed his eyes as he looked at me.

  “Maybe,” I said, tucking the list into my pocket.

  “So that’s what the leotard is for.” He had a mischievous grin on his face, and I was annoyed that he’d seen the outfit despite my best efforts to get it out of his eyesight. “Put it on. Let me see you in it.”

  “No way, Max.” And he was not going to convince me otherwise. “Some things are private.”

  He was quiet for a few seconds as he looked at me intently. “Even from me?”

  Oh, definitely from you, I thought.

  “This has nothing to do with you, Max, so wipe that pout off your face. It’s not happening.” I got up from the bed, leotard in hand. “The only people that are going to see me in this are the teacher and the other students in the class.”

  “Well, where can I sign up?”

  I laughed and threw my leotard at him. “Only if you try this on first.”

  He grinned and shook his head. “Not my style, Sam. But I think you’ll look fantastic in it. I dare you to wear just that to class. Don’t cover yourself up so much.”

  “I know, I know, I’ve lost so much weight, I should be proud, blah, blah, blah,” I said, walking across the room towards the mirror. I had lost about seventy pounds over the past year, leaving me at my new svelte size of one hundred and eighty pounds.

  “No, Sammy,” he said and sat forward a bit o
n the bed. “You should be proud no matter what you weigh, because you’re gorgeous. Nothing can change that.”

  I smiled at him in the mirror and he smiled back. He always knew just what to say to make me feel better.

  “So are you going to do it?” he asked, his smile turning devilish. “Just the tights and the leotard, nothing else.”

  “Maybe. But you won’t find out because you’re not going!”

  “Fine.” He threw himself backwards on my bed, silent for several seconds.

  I wondered what he was thinking, as there was nothing particularly interesting about the ceiling that he seemed to be studying so intently.

  “So what’s the paper for?” he asked. “I noticed it’s like a list.”

  “None of your business,” I said, turning back to the mirror, trying to look as casual as possible.

  “So many secrets.” He frowned and stared at my reflection. “I thought I was your best friend.”

  Max was very good at laying on the guilt trip, but I didn’t have time for any of it at the moment.

  “Best guy friend.” I smiled at him. “That means you don’t get to be in on some secrets. You should be grateful for that,” I added with a laugh.

  “I’m not grateful at all. That’s just discrimination,” he said, and I couldn’t help but notice that he seemed genuinely upset. “I thought you were more evolved than that.”

  “Nope, I’m not more evolved than that,” I said and turned to face him. “Now get off my bed, get out of my apartment, and go fix some computers.”

  He wiped his hand over his eyes and mouth and shook his head. “That is not what I do.”

  I knew what was coming next and I really didn’t have time for it.

  “Would you like me to explain it again?” he asked.