Progress (The Progress Series)

by Queau, Amy

  “Did you guys…ya know?” she asked.

  “Good god, Angie. Is that all you ever think of? No. We didn’t.” Charlie continued in a whisper, “And we never will.”

  Charlie made her way down to the kitchen. Jesse was in the shower and Karal was enjoying her first sip of coffee with a smile.

  “The guy sure knows how to make a mean bacon, cheese, and tomato omelet! I think I’ll pick his brain for some new menu items. Maybe he can help us prep them. He’s always looking for more hours,” Karal said.

  Charlie made a cup of coffee. Two creams, one sugar. She stepped outside for a cigarette, saying nothing.

  “You’re sure quiet this morning.” Karal followed her to the front porch.

  “I’m not feeling so great. Just tired, I think.” Charlie gave her a half smile.

  “Bullshit,” Karal said.

  Charlie shook her head. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. It’s been a long night.”

  “All right. I understand. I’m going to go inside and shower. You know where to find me if you change your mind.” Karal rubbed Charlie’s shoulder then headed toward the door. “Charlie?” she called back. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

  “No, not at all. I’m just tired.”

  Karal nodded and went inside.

  Charlie finished her cigarette slowly. She didn’t want to go in there. He was in there. Everything was so different now. His eyes had been tainted. He had seen a side of her that no other man had before. And it was her hideous side. She was embarrassed, agitated, debased, ruined. She felt defeated. Their game was over.

  As she turned to go inside, Jess was standing behind her. How long has he been here?

  “Hey,” Charlie said, taken aback.

  “Hi.” He gave her a small smile and shoved his hands in his pockets.

  “Before you go inside, I wanted to talk to you about my…confession this morning,” he said quickly.

  Charlie shook her head. “No. I don’t want to hear about it. I’m so…embarrassed about it.” She couldn’t stop her eyes from welling with tears.

  “No, Charlie. Don’t be. It wasn’t… I mean, I didn’t mean to look. I just glanced up and saw you quickly,” his voice rushed. “Please don’t be upset with me.”

  She stopped her mouth from saying what it wanted to next. “Oh, Jess. I’m not mad at you at all. It was an accident.” She tried not to let him see her tears.

  He smiled shyly. “It certainly wasn’t what I was expecting to see.”

  “I bet it wasn’t,” she muttered. Please. Don’t start. Be careful with this.

  “No, I mean…you’re always so self-conscious. You’re always wearing baggy clothes and trying to cover yourself. You were so…confident. Secure. I’ve never seen you like that,” he said, his smile vanishing.

  “I’m usually not very secure around you.” She looked up and when he saw her tears, he mimicked her dismal expression.

  “That’s my fault,” he said.

  “It doesn’t matter, does it? I am who I am. You are who you are. I don’t expect you to change. I just need to get over my…issues,” she sniffed. “It really has very little to do with you, Jess. It’s not your fault. I’ve got some problems.”

  He nodded and looked over her shoulder toward the lake in thought.

  “Birds of a feather,” he whispered after a minute.

  “I’m going to go in now. I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.” She closed the door on the conversation and walked inside.

  Angie and Karal were on the couch flipping through the channels on the TV, looking for something more interesting than Sesame Street.

  “What time were you guys thinking about taking off this morning?” Charlie asked.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe after we wake up and get ready?”

  “Well, I think I’ll take off early. I’m super tired and I just want to go home and sleep until my shift tomorrow.”

  Jesse walked into the family room. “Aren’t you going to eat anything? I can make you an omelet.”

  “I’m not very hungry right now. Maybe I’ll grab something on the way home,” she lied.

  “Are we leaving now?” Jesse asked.

  “I am. I don’t know what your plan is. The girls are going to leave in an hour or two.”

  “Can I get a ride from someone?” When no one responded, he quickly said, “You could just drop me off at The Crimson.”

  “How did you get here?” Angie asked.

  “I took a cab.”

  Charlie’s mouth hung open. How much did that cost?

  “You must have really wanted to get here. I hope you got what you came for.” Angie eyed him up and down and resumed channel surfing.

  Charlie huffed. “C’mon. You can come with me.”

  *

  For the first hour, Charlie turned up the music, almost unbearably, not giving them a chance to speak. Jesse calmly waited until the CD ended before he started.

  “So, are you gonna tell me who did this to you?” he prompted.

  Her head snapped toward him. “Did what?” But she knew what he was asking.

  “Made you feel so…uncomfortable with yourself.”

  She didn’t say anything for a long time. Twenty miles passed before she replied. He had probably even forgotten he had asked her a question.

  “I don’t think that would be wise,” she finally said.

  “Why?”

  “Oh, Jess. Because I don’t trust you with the information, that’s why. I keep feeling like you’re going to use it against me. Or you’ll just keep toying with me. Then I’ll feel like more of an ass for confiding in you.”

  “Oh.” He was somber. “Have I given you the impression that I want to hurt you?”

  “No. You just do. You all do. I get too attached and…” Charlie shook her head, not wanting to say anything more.

  “All? All who?” he asked.

  “Men! All you fuckers end up hurting me! No matter what I do, you all end up making me feel ugly. And I just don’t know if I have it left in me to scrape myself up off the pavement again.” She didn’t know whether to cry, scream, or yank the car into the nearest lake. “See, I’ve already said too much. Please, just drop it. I’m exhausted. This whole night has been draining. I’m surprised I haven’t fallen asleep at the wheel yet.”

  “Do you want me to drive? You can sleep,” Jesse offered.

  She swallowed and emptied the air from her lungs. “Yes please,” she said quietly.

  “Oh, I almost forgot. I made you a CD. It’s Rx Bandits’ best album, ever.” Jesse said, handing her a disc with his printing on the front:

  Progress.

  Charlie pulled into the parking lot of the next rest stop. They switched seats and got back on the road immediately. She rested her head back on her seat and positioned it so that it reclined. Grabbing her pillow from the backseat, she tried to sleep. Her mind raced.

  She thought about what she had said to Karal the night before. Karal had asked if she trusted Jesse. He had been so sweet all night. Taking a cab two hours to Lake Mille Lacs to find her and thank her. Spending the night with her on the beach. His confessions. It’s only fair you tell him. He’s proven to you that you’re friends.

  “I was twenty when I started having anxiety attacks.” Charlie heard herself speaking, but felt disconnected from her voice. “I didn’t know what they were at first. I would just start shaking and sobbing over scenarios I created in my head. My pulse would race and my heart would pound. Then I’d be convinced I was having a heart attack. The paranoia would spiral out of control quickly. So, I went to a doctor and he referred me to a psychiatrist.” Charlie looked up to see Jesse’s expression. His brow was puckered but he kept his eyes on the road.

  “So after a couple of months, I finally told my therapist about the rape,” she said. Jesse’s eyes closed briefly as he swallowed. “I was nine years old,” she continued, sniffing and looking out the window. “It was a friend of the
family. And when he was done taking care of his…business, he beat the shit out of me,” she continued. “I told my parents that I had fallen rollerblading.”

  Charlie stopped glancing at Jesse to read his expression. It was hard enough rehashing all of this.

  “When I got into middle school, I met a boy named Aaron. He made fun of me every chance he got. Blimp, lard-ass, fatty, gross, whale, obese, wide load. He stuck signs on my back. In high school, he got everyone else to hate me. Dared a guy to ask me to Homecoming...”

  She tried to get back on track without dwelling too much on the pain. “So, needless to say, after those, and others, Doc said I had an issue with men. So this morning, when you said you had seen me naked, the first thing I thought was that you were going to make fun of me. Seeing that. Seeing my…body.” She shuddered. “I thought you’d crush me. Break me all over again. You could say I’m a bit insecure.”

  She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes.

  Keeping her eyes shut, she felt the exhaustion start taking over. “It’s like evolution. We adapt to survive. I guess my mind did what it needed to do in order to cope. My anxiety attacks surface when I’m about to be touched…so I’m stuck with the shaking, the nerves, the panic... ” Charlie’s voice trailed off as she began embracing much needed sleep.

  She was in deep slumber within a few seconds, not giving Jesse a chance to respond.

  *

  She woke to Jesse whispering her name.

  “Charlie. Time to wake up.”

  “Ouch.” She stretched, rubbing her neck and Jesse looked away. She looked down and saw that her baggy jeans had slid down, slightly exposing her panties. She pulled her pants up quickly and blushed. Twice in one day here, Charlie. You’re on a roll.

  “Are we here already?” she asked, trying to ignore her pink cheeks.

  “Yeah. I forgot my car was at my house.” He shrugged. After a moment, he took off his seatbelt. “I just don’t know what to say,” he said.

  “There’s nothing to say about it. It’s why I am. I thought you deserved to hear it. We’ve only just scratched the surface here, Jess. Believe me, there’s more. Much more. As I assume there is with you.”

  She dipped her head down in shame. After taking a minute to think about the two of them, in the driveway together, she couldn’t help but smile. “We’re two pretty messed up individuals! Maybe we shouldn’t be friends. Can you imagine the damage we’ll do to each other?” she laughed.

  He chewed the inside of his cheek and smiled. “Too late. We’ll just have to make do,” he said. After a short silence, he finally spoke again. “Well, I guess I’ll go then. Can I see you soon?”

  “Of course. I’m starting to depend on it,” she said, wondering where all of her courage was emerging from. He murmured something and got out of the car.

  She was careful to not expose herself again while getting out of the passenger’s, side and hopped in the driver’s seat.

  *

  She fell into bed that afternoon and slept until six o’clock the next morning.

  Dear Journal,

  Um, holy shit. So, I just got home from Karal’s cabin today. I seriously don’t even know where to start.

  So, there I am, having fun with the girls, and who shows up? Yep, Jess. JESS!

  I should back up. Lily called me the other day and was worried about Jess. So I found out his ass was thrown in jail. JAIL! Me, having a friend that’s incarcerated. Nice. I’ve never had a friend who was a criminal. That might sound a bit naïve, but I don’t claim to have much experience with anything. So, I asked Dad for some money to bail him out, and then went up north with the girls.

  So, during a game of “Truth or Dare,” I’m completely naked, laying in the lake, drunk and soaking wet. I decide to walk back up to the cabin. Yep, there he is. In all his beautiful glory. Watching me walk back to the fire and putting my clothes back on.

  I wish I could say that it ended well. I wish I could say that he actually saw me, and wanted me, for all that I am. But he didn’t. Yes, it’s true, he came to find me, but if he had any intentions of sleeping with me, those likely ended once he saw my body.

  And although I’ve lost a lot of weight, I still have a long way to go. I just wish I could have been skinnier and prettier before he saw me naked. Ugh! Naked! I’m so ashamed.

  It all makes me so sad. I wish he knew what it was like for me. I wish he understood how disgusting I think I am. I wish he’d tell me that I’m someone, something, and that I deserve to be touched. I wish he was someone that I don’t think he’ll ever be capable of being.

  Part 2

  Jesse

  Chapter One

  Jesse watched as Charlie drove away, his head swimming. Such a good girl. My sweet Charlie.

  He went inside and took a quick, cool shower after a sexual tension-packed weekend, then hopped to the kitchen to take his meds. Jake was home; Jess could hear the game console from downstairs. He grabbed a Power Bar and bounded down the steps.

  “Hey.”

  “Oh hey.” Jake paused his game and looked up. “How’d it go?”

  “Good. I found her.”

  “Well, good. Now we can get on with our lives. Enough of this “Charlie” nonsense. The girl is like your own personal disease,” Jake mumbled. “Oh, Julie said she’s got a friend for you to meet. Tonight, if you wanna.” Jake winked.

  “Sure, whatever.”

  Jess swallowed another bite, sat down next to his friend, and picked up the other controller.

  “So, are we going to talk about Bree?” Jake spoke fast. “Because I’d prefer if we got it over with.”

  “If you’ve got something to say, say it.” Jess waited.

  “Dude, I don’t know what I was thinking. She was there, and Julie was working. So, I just--”

  “Let’s just let it go. Just do me a favor, though, if you do it again…don’t bring her back to this fuckin’ house. I don’t need to see that shit.”

  Jake dropped the subject and continued playing his game. After popping the last bite in his mouth, Jess hit the start button and joined in.

  *

  Later that day, Jess went for a ride. After saving for over a year, he had just bought a new bike. The Endurance Escape was longer, lower, and slacker than the other bikes he tested. The suspension felt right in every situation, whether skipping over bumps or traveling along an undulating track. It was also responsive on less challenging terrain. It wasn't the most efficient-pedaling bike, but Jess loved the feel and took it out as often as he could.

  Don’t screw this one up, Jess. She’s not like the others. You want to be her friend. She’s smart, funny, can laugh at herself, and she puts up with your shit. God knows why. You don’t make friends easily and most don’t have patience for your attitude. Don’t screw this up. Don’t screw this up.

  Jess saw the sign for the Lebanon Trail and picked up speed. He needed desperately to sort all this out and this is where he did some of his best thinking. Choosing an easier trail, as to not distract himself from the task at hand, he tried to figure out what to do about Charlie.

  What’s your friendship worth? Could you handle her running away now? After admitting more to this girl than anyone? Ever? You know you can’t fuck her. You’d ruin everything. She’d run. And then there’s the whole touching thing…

  She doesn’t ask too much. She’s perfectly content just spending time with you. You’re the one who volunteers information about yourself – you’ve decided to attach yourself to this innocent girl like a leech, sucking the life out of her. Choosing her, why? Her huge blue eyes just cut through you, making you want to trust her. Trust someone. You’re just pissed she’s attractive. Those curves. That short, red, sassy hair. That dimple on the corner of her mouth every time she pronounces the letter W… ENOUGH! No more of that shit. That’s not going to get us anywhere. Concentrate!

  Focused on his thoughts, Jess cut over and started taking a different trail – one he’d never been on before. It wa
s a less traveled, narrow, graveled path. He’d have to slow down, since he didn’t know what the next turn would bring.

  You know what happens when you decide to trust someone. They leave. They all have. Parents, two foster families, Bree. What makes her different? What makes you think she won’t leave your dumb ass the next time you piss her off? When she decides she’s had enough and washes her hands clean of you? You can’t expect people to understand your…sickness. You don’t even completely understand it yourself. Since you can’t seem to take your meds every day, and decide that you enjoy your vices more than having friends. You’ve chosen your life…

  He was stuck on that last thought when a large boulder appeared suddenly as he cleared a row of pines. He swerved to avoid crashing, only to lose control because of his speed. Skidding out, he scraped open his left calf.

  “Fuck!”

  Now he had lost his train of thought and he had a bleeding leg. Perfect.

  His bike was fine, but he decided to walk the last mile. After wiping away the blood, the scrape was merely a surface wound, like so many he’d had before.

  He made it back to his house in time to grab a snack, clean up his leg, and get ready for a double date with Jake.

  Eve was her name. She was short, curvy, and had long, brown wavy hair. She had green eyes and thigh-high stockings he could see through her thin skirt. This is going to be fun.

  They started the evening at a local restaurant where the carpet was a green floral pattern and the walls were covered in atrocious orange wallpaper. They took their seats on the four-season porch with a view of the city street. Jess sat across from Eve and Julie sat next to her. After ordering their drinks they began chatting.

  “So, Jess. Tell me a little about yourself. Jake tells me you ride a bicycle.” Eve smiled.

  Oh, let’s just skip the formalities. I’m in no mood for small talk.

  “Yep. What else did Jake tell you?”

  She looked offended by his candor. As most did. “Ah, um…nothing,” she said.

  Jess rolled his eyes and stared at Jake.