Progress (The Progress Series)

by Queau, Amy

“Oh shit. I think so. I think she turned eighteen a few weeks ago,” Jesse said.

  “Sweet. You don’t mind if I…”

  “Have at it. I’m not interested.”

  “Right. Aren’t you and that Charlie girl…?”

  Jess looked at Brian out of the corner of his eye, not responding.

  “Well, I’ve seen the two of you…and of course there are the rumors,” Brian said.

  “I’m not interested in that, either.”

  “Oh shit. Really?”

  “Nope.” Jesse packed another bowl and lit it.

  “So would you mind if I asked her out, then?”

  Jesse took a moment before he answered. “I don’t think she’d be interested in you. But, good luck.” Jesse passed the pipe to Brian.

  “For real? Why don’t you think she’d be interested in me?”

  Jesse glanced at Brian and made note of his clothes, his haircut, and his clean-shaven baby face.

  “You look like a dick,” Jesse said.

  “Are you serious?” Brian choked out his last inhale.

  Slower than his thoughts, but more rushed than he should have been because of the drugs, Jesse began talking. “Seriously, don’t take offense. Look at the facts here. You are obviously a suburban-boy-gone-wanna-be-ghetto. You probably graduated from high school within the past two years, because you look like Justin Bieber. The crotch of your pants is down to your knees, just where they turn into skinny jeans, and you seem like a guy that has contemplated getting your ears pierced in both ears because you think there’s some profound meaning to it, but really just because it’s trendy. You deliver pizzas, which isn’t a bad job, but your ass should be in college full-time. You’re smoking weed every night and you talk like you own the world. Any of this sounding familiar?”

  “Wow,” Brian said. “I thought they were kidding, but you really are an asshole.”

  Oh calm down.

  A long silence spread through the playground. They continued passing the pipe back and forth until Brian stood and began walking toward the sidewalk.

  “Are you done here, then?” Jesse shouted.

  Brian took a few steps back toward Jesse until he was ten feet from him.

  “Yes. I’m done.” Brian nodded. “Out of curiosity, what makes you think you can speak to people the way you do? Now, don’t take offense here, but you’re obviously a suburban-boy-turned-dickhead. You probably graduated from high school ten years ago because you look like you just escaped from the band Pearl Jam with your 1990s tennis shoes and short-sleeved plaid polyester T-shirt. You have a labret, which you likely got because you were drunk and high one night and thought it would make you look tough, which to be honest, only makes you look like an idiot. You’re a pizza delivery boy at the ripe old age of what? Twenty-six? And your ass should have gone to college almost a decade ago. Any of this sounding familiar? Or was it just because I showed interest in Charlie that brought out your colorful personality?”

  As Brian turned away and began walking toward the sidewalk again, Jesse heard him mumble the word “asshole.”

  If Brian knew of Jesse’s violent nature, he probably wouldn’t have said what he did. But Jesse felt no aggression toward him. In fact, Brian’s opinion of him meant nothing.

  *

  The next morning, Jess couldn’t rip himself from his sheets. It was here. After several weeks of high, he would now suffer several weeks of low.

  Chapter Five

  It was a Wednesday morning and Jesse had to be at The Crimson for a lunch shift. Normally he wouldn’t have minded, but since merely existing was too much for him that morning, he called in sick.

  “Hey Ben, I’m not feeling so great today. I don’t think I should come in.” Jess faked a breathy voice.

  “Hey man, I don’t mean to be a dick, but we really need you today. I swear I’ll go easy on you, but we’ve got that catering gig I told you about last week. If you don’t want to help us set that up, I still need someone to take the normal deliveries, if we have any,” Ben said.

  “Seriously? You can’t get anyone else to cover it?”

  “No, we already have everyone on it. Everyone that isn’t in school, anyway.”

  Jesse’s stomach churned and he rolled over in his bed.

  “Ugh.”

  “I know, dude. You can leave if we get this taken care of early. Just get in here and we’ll see whether or not we need you. It’s crazy here right now,” Ben said.

  “Fine. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” Jesse lay on his bed for another five minutes before slipping his uniform on and heading out the door.

  He couldn’t remember getting to the restaurant. An entire fifteen-minute drive, gone. Completely wiped from his memory. Did I smoke on the way here? What was I listening to?

  What was I thinking about? Did I miss any lights? How can’t I remember driving ten miles?

  Charlie was standing at the delivery station as Jesse walked in, catching him off-guard.

  “There he is. See Ben, I told you he’d come.” Charlie smiled.

  Jesse glanced at her quickly and looked away. He lifted his head into a quick nod and began chatting with a much-relieved Ben.

  Charlie exited quickly when she saw they were talking business.

  “Where do you need me?” Jesse asked.

  “I need you to stay here while we go set up this luncheon. Are you cool with that? How are you feeling?” Ben looked concerned.

  “I’m fine,” Jesse snapped.

  Ben backed off and began stuffing Styrofoam boxes with silverware and sauces, mumbling to himself something about “attitude.”

  Jesse stood staring at the phone, willing it to ring so that he had something to do. Just standing there with his debilitating thoughts, his own broken mind spell, and his shattered high. He couldn’t feel his own skin; it was numb like the rest of his being. So much had happened in the past few weeks, with nothing to show for it besides some posters, a wide variety of miniature Batmans, and a stack of credit card bills that were now starting to trickle down the stairs.

  He was lost. Self-loathing and despair were slapping him over the back of his head. His stomach ached, his head hurt, and his few thoughts only recycled.

  “Hey there, stranger.” Her voice sounded like a melody. Jesse turned and looked in the general direction of the words until he met her eyes. Charlie.

  He did what he could to smile, but somewhere within his scorn, it was lost and he looked away. Picking up on his mood, she instantly tried to lighten it up.

  “Can you help me here?”

  His eyelids heavy, he slowly swung his head to her direction. “What are you doing?”

  “Filling the parmesan and red pepper bottles that they washed for me last night. It’s going to take me a while. If you’re bored, you can help.” Her approach was warming as she shifted slightly to one side to make room for him to stand next to her. “Just dip the containers into the pepper there and make sure they’re filled to the top. Then put a clean cover on it, over there in that tray, and you’re done! It’s not too difficult.” She paused. “Trained monkeys could do it.”

  They both stood quietly as they filled trays of clean parmesan and pepper containers.

  “When did you start serving?” Jesse asked.

  “Oh, a few weeks ago now.”

  “Why?”

  She shrugged. “It’s the only way I’d make any money, I guess.”

  He could tell she wasn’t telling him something, but he didn’t care enough to ask.

  “What are you doing after your shift today?” she asked.

  Jesse didn’t say anything right away. He couldn’t think of anything that sounded more appealing than going home and crawling into his bed. “Nothing. Going home,” he said.

  “Is everything okay? I’m--”

  “Everything is fine. I’m just tired,” he cut her off.

  “Okay.” She showed indifference to his response and he felt an ounce of remorse for snapping at her.
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br />   She picked up a full tray and carried it out to the dining room. As she began placing the containers on each table, Jesse walked up behind her.

  “What did you have in mind?” he asked with his hand gripping the back of his neck.

  “I didn’t.” She smiled widely, turning around to face him.

  Jesse looked down and slid his hands into his back pockets.

  Charlie sighed and spoke softly. “Jess, what’s going on? You haven’t spoken to me in weeks. Last thing I knew is you spent the night in my driveway… Yeah, explain that one to my dad. Then, I hear you’re fucking everyone you can, drinking everything you can get your hands on, and spending money like a madman. Which is fine, seriously. It’s your life, and it sounds like a lot of fun. But, I’m just…worried. You show up here today like I’ve never seen you. Like you’re…scared to speak. Or, worse. Can you just tell me that you’re okay? You’re scaring the shit out of me.” She looked genuinely concerned.

  He blinked slowly and held his breath.

  No words. Nothing. He stood, staring at the floor.

  “You’re manic-depressive, aren’t you?” Her words eventually floated to his ears and he looked up at her.

  “I can’t explain to you how this feels.” Jesse’s words didn’t reach his eyes.

  “You don’t have to. That’s not what I want.” She took a step closer and lowered her voice. “I want my Jesse back.”

  After a sharp inhale he closed his eyes. “So do I.”

  Staring at him, her eyes were distressed with small wrinkles in the corners. Her mouth turned down into almost a pout.

  She’s so—

  “Come over to my house today, after work. Don’t go home and sleep. Promise me,” she pleaded.

  He shifted his weight to his other leg and sighed. “I promise.”

  “Good. There’s something I’ve been wanting you to show me,” Charlie said with a smirk.

  Chapter Six

  “I’ve heard life is like a game of chess,” Charlie said as she unwrapped a new chessboard and laid it out on her bed.

  “Huh? How so?”

  “It changes with each move.”

  Jesse mustered up a nod. He still didn’t want to be anywhere except under his sheets.

  “No, the winner of the game is the one who makes the next-to-last mistake,” he countered.

  Her eyes brightened. “Will you teach me, then?”

  “What? Chess? You’ve never played?”

  “Never.” She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I don’t have any idea what to do with all these pieces.” She held up the queen and put it in his palm. “Show me? Please?”

  He blinked slowly and a grin emerged.

  “Here. She goes here.” Within a minute, he had the board set up and ready to go. Charlie watched his hands move quickly and tried to memorize each piece’s location.

  “What is this?” She held up the smallest piece on her side.

  “That’s called a pawn. He’s the weakest piece. He can only move forward one square, except for his first move. Then, if you want, you can move him two.”

  “Okay, got it.”

  “The game is won when a player takes out his opponent’s king.” He pointed at the piece.

  Piece by piece, Jesse went through their names and how to move them. Charlie concentrated on his words and asked a few questions. After a few minutes, Jesse made the first move.

  Charlie worked slowly and constantly checked Jesse’s expression to make sure she had it right. He gave small smiles at first, but then made sure he gave nothing away. He certainly wasn’t going to let her beat him the first time she played.

  “Who taught you how to play this?” she asked.

  “Lily.”

  Charlie nodded and looked back at the board.

  Tell her. C’mon, Jesse. Tell her.

  Charlie was concentrating and biting the inside of her cheek, trying to figure out the next few moves. She began tugging at her lip with her thumb and index finger.

  Tell her.

  Charlie made her move and waited anxiously to see if her prediction was correct.

  “It started when I was ten,” Jesse said.

  She ripped away her concentration on the game and shook her head, trying to switch gears on the conversation. Once she recognized the look on Jesse’s face, she urged him on by staying expressionless. She didn’t want him to retreat and crawl back into the hole in his mind.

  “I wasn’t always like this. I used to just be…smart. I used to be able to focus and keep thoughts from escaping through my mouth. I used to be polite, kind, and good. I used to be good.”

  Charlie softened and never left Jesse’s eyes.

  “I used to get good grades, I had a lot of friends and I never rubbed people the wrong way. I used to be able to read books without needing to read the same lines over and over, and I used to have a family…that I loved.” Jesse’s eyes darted around the room, not looking at anything; remembering.

  He could tell she wanted to ask questions, but she stayed silent.

  “Then, when I was ten, it all went to shit.”

  Charlie looked into his eyes and waited for him to see her. Really see her. She wanted to show him that she was listening and wanted to know more. In Jess’s haze around the room, he stopped at her face but was looking straight through her, still trying to summon the memories from their conceptions.

  “My little sister meant everything to me. She was so small. So innocent. She was perfect,” he managed to say after some time.

  “What happened?” Charlie couldn’t resist the urge to ask. She looked hungry for the answers.

  “I was supposed to be watching her.”

  Charlie couldn’t tell if his eyes were welling because of his long stare, or for another reason.

  “She was taken.” His head fell down below his shoulders and he breathed in slowly.

  “What happened to her?” Charlie whispered.

  “Mandy…she was found a few miles from our house. She was only five years old.”

  Charlie couldn’t speak. Not only could he feel it, but Jesse actually saw her heart sink as her shoulders went limp.

  He could see her mind racing. He didn’t care. There was nothing more he wanted to say about his sister. He’d never sleep if her face crept back into his head; he would see nothing else for weeks.

  “My mind cracked. My parents couldn’t forgive me. Things got really hard. I stopped making sense. I stopped playing baseball, reading books, speaking to my friends. I stopped speaking to anybody. There was nothing I could do to stop the erratic thoughts, to rebalance my…equilibrium.”

  “You were only ten,” Charlie managed to choke out.

  “I just couldn’t…bargain with rationalization.”

  Jesse finally looked up, breaking his train of thought, and looked Charlie in the eyes.

  “That’s when I entered the system and became a foster child.”

  Charlie nodded.

  “But, that’s a story for another day.”

  Jesse realigned from the distraction and made his next move in the game. He moved his rook and took out her pawn.

  *

  He didn’t know if it was Charlie’s intention to distract him from his despairing hiatus, but he found himself thankful for her that afternoon. They played two games of chess, and he would forever vow that he “allowed” her to win the second one.

  On their way up the stairs, a small silver object caught the glare from the overhead light and it made him turn to look. It was Charlie’s silver teddy bear necklace she had been wearing that first evening they spent chatting at The Crimson. She had been fiddling with it, awkwardly. That thought made him smile a little. A quick thought passed through his head, and when Charlie had her back to him, he swiped the necklace and stuffed it in his pocket. He needed something of hers just to keep her close to him; to remind him of her, of that afternoon.

  “Will you…What are you going to do tonight? I just want to make sure you’ve
got company if you want it,” Charlie asked, walking Jess to her front door.

  “I need to get some sleep. I haven’t been doing much of that lately.”

  She gave him a sympathetic smile. “Call me, if you need to.”

  He went for the door handle then stopped.

  “Oh, um. What are you doing on the twentieth of September?” he asked.

  Happily surprised by the question, she smiled. “Oh gee, let me check my schedule.” She paused and looked around her entryway. “Yep, just what I thought – nothing.”

  “Good. I know it’s a few weeks away, but I have this thing I need to go to. It’s a kind of family reunion. A lot of people, stuffy, annoying—“

  She laughed. “Well, you’re certainly making it sound irresistible and worth my while.”

  “You don’t have to go, but I usually bring Jake and we get drunk and smoke in the corner, but he’s busy with Julie that night--”

  “I’d love to go.”

  He nodded uncomfortably and without another word walked out the door.

  He hesitated before starting his car; sat in the driver’s seat as he watched her shut the front door. I just want to stay. Stay with Charlie. Silent. Stay in her room, with the weak smell of her perfume that lingers on her pillow. For her to be there when I wake up. If I wake up. She can keep me. Keep me in that basement bedroom forever. I’d never need to leave. I’d be fine with that, I think. He fumbled with his keys, trying to put them into the ignition.

  I’m tired.

  With that last thought, he started his car and backed out of her driveway, upset at his keys for tempting to take him away from her. He didn’t have the energy needed to figure out how to explain to Charlie why he wanted to stay with her.

  Chapter Seven

  At two o’clock in the morning, two days later, Jesse finally emerged from a much needed rest. His emotions still raw and bared, he stumbled down the steps at the sound of Jake’s video game.

  Jesse hadn’t taken his medication regularly in two weeks.

  Despite a slight anticipation of seeing his friend, the room was empty. The video game was in its menu mode and the music was repeating the same sounds every twenty seconds. After a quick decision to turn off the television, in fear of the music driving him further insane, he walked to a stash of books that had been packed away in the entertainment unit.