Across the Table

by Linda Cardillo

  “Did you ever see Him throw the ball, Nana?” Joey asked me, wide-eyed when I told him about the statue in St. Leonard’s. I wasn’t sure these kids had even been in a church after their baptisms.

  What wasn’t fun was spending time with my son-in-law. I thought he’d get home to have supper with his boys, or at least kiss them good-night. But it was almost ten before he walked in the door the night after Vanessa was born. Okay, I thought, he’s been spending the evening with Toni and Vanessa at the hospital. I didn’t find out till later that he’d barely made an appearance at Mt. Auburn’s maternity ward after Toni gave birth.

  I was crocheting in the family room, wearing my nightgown and robe, when he got home.

  “You want something to eat, Bobby? I made veal cutlets and string beans tonight.”

  “No, thanks, Rose. I’m not hungry. I’m just going to have a drink.”

  He poured himself some bourbon from one of those big jugs people get at the New Hampshire state liquor store across the border in Hampton. It was already half-empty, and from the size of the glass he poured for himself, it probably hadn’t taken him long to get it there.

  He couldn’t sit still, jumping from one thing to the next. He flipped through the mail, tossing aside what looked like bills without even opening them, grabbing Newsweek and turning a few pages before leaving it open on the counter.

  Despite telling me he wasn’t hungry, he rummaged through the fridge and cabinets for junk food—Cheetos, ice cream with fudge sauce, a bag of peanuts whose empty shells he left scattered across the coffee table while he watched the Celtics game.

  He didn’t say anything about how Toni and the baby were doing until I asked, and he didn’t seem to care how the boys had spent the afternoon.

  He finally grabbed his drink and went down to the garage where he tinkered with his motorcycle until two in the morning. I went to bed around eleven but when I got up to go to the bathroom, I heard him still down there.

  In the morning he was gone before the boys and I were up. I didn’t know how he was managing to work with so little sleep and so much whiskey. Maybe he was just coming to terms with the fact that he’d fathered three kids in eight years. Maybe he saw these few days while I was taking care of the boys and Toni was in the hospital as his last opportunity to have a break before the reality of what he was shouldering set in. I tried to tell myself he was acting normally. But I was truly frightened for my daughter and my grandchildren if this was what life with him was going to be.

  “I’d like to stay for a few more days after Toni gets home,” I told Al. “You and Manny will have to manage without me. I’m worried, Al. I get this sinking feeling that Bobby doesn’t care a damn about those children. I don’t even know if he still loves Toni.” My voice broke at the prospect of something so terribly wrong in my daughter’s marriage. When your children hurt, you hurt, maybe even more than they do.

  “You want me to come up there and talk to the son of a bitch?”

  “Let’s wait it out. I don’t want her to feel we’re butting in, and it’s better if they can work it out themselves. I just figure if I’m here to take care of the kids, she’ll have some time to give to her marriage. Who knows, maybe that’s all it is—that she’s been so tied up with the boys and teaching and this pregnancy that he’s feeling like a neglected husband.”

  I wished that was the answer. When I told Toni I’d stay another week until she got back on her feet she started to protest.

  “It’s not necessary, Mom. Vanessa’s a good baby and I got lots of rest in the hospital. We’ll be fine.”

  “My experience is they’re always good for the nurses in the hospital, and as soon as they get home they have you walking the floor all night long. I can keep the boys occupied, get them to school and put up some meals for you in the freezer. It’s not a burden. I’m happy to stay.”

  I thought she might put up more of a fight. She’d always been so private with her emotions that I knew it was hard for her to have me smack in the middle of her life. But I was not going home. Neither of us mentioned Bobby. She didn’t say to me Bobby will help or I’m not alone. And I didn’t ask, because I already knew.

  In the next week I did my best to stay out of the way when Bobby came home to give them time together. But it seemed that he was doing everything possible to avoid Toni. He wasn’t even sleeping with her, on the grounds that Vanessa was keeping him awake. Toni was breast-feeding and had Vanessa sleeping in a cradle next to her side of the bed.

  Although she can’t have sex for six weeks or so after she gives birth, a woman still needs to be held and cherished in bed. That Toni was being denied this comfort really bothered me.

  “Do you think he’s got another woman?” Al asked me during one of our daily phone calls.

  “I don’t know. But it seems like more than that. He ignores the boys, too. And I don’t think I’ve even seen him pick Vanessa up. Not that I’d want him to after he’s been drinking all night. He’s completely disconnected. In another world. Toni’s putting on a brave face, but I don’t think I can keep my mouth shut any longer.”

  “I’m coming up there. We’ll talk to her when he’s not around and the boys are in school.”

  Al came for lunch that afternoon. I made some pasta fazool, one of those comfort foods I knew Toni loved.

  She greeted Al with a hug. “Daddy! What brings you here in the middle of the day?”

  “I missed your mother,” he said, sweeping me into his arms for a kiss. It was something the kids had grown up witnessing, Al and me always greeting each other with a passionate kiss. But I caught a glimpse of pain on Toni’s face as she watched us, a question forming in her head—Why don’t Bobby and I have this?

  “But I also wanted to see you. Your mother and I are worried about you, honey. We want to help you if you’ll let us.”

  “But you are helping me. Mom’s been great. My house hasn’t been this clean since before I had kids, and I’ve got enough meals in the freezer to feed my family for a year.”

  Her mouth was set in a forced smile.

  “We think you need more than a cleaning and catering service. How are things between you and Bobby?”

  She looked from Al to me. At first she threw me a “What have you been telling him?” glance of irritation, as if I’d betrayed some secret of hers. But she hadn’t confided any secrets to me, and it began to dawn on her that what she was going through was only too clear to somebody who loved her.

  The phony smile was gone. “Bobby’s sick.”

  “You don’t have to make excuses for him, Toni.”

  “I’m not. He’s mentally ill. He’s seeing a psychiatrist. He’s supposed to be taking medication, but I think he stopped.”

  “He’s medicating himself with a bottle of bourbon.”

  “He’s always had more to drink than you’ve been comfortable with, Mom. It’s part of his culture.”

  “He has no culture,” Al muttered.

  “That’s not fair, Daddy.”

  “What do you want to do, Toni?” I asked softly.

  “His moods go in cycles. He’s just in a down phase right now. I’ve weathered this before.”

  “How long has it been going on?” Al was having difficulty believing that she’d been able to keep something like this from us.

  “A couple of years. It started around the time Ben was born.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us?”

  “Because I knew it would upset you, like it’s doing now. And because it was under control. There wasn’t anything you could do, anyway. You can’t cure what he has by having a man-to-man talk about his responsibilities to his family.”

  “Why the hell did you have another baby?”

  “Al!” I was shocked he’d said that to her.

  “Its fine, Mom. Legitimate question. We were actually doing reasonably well last year. And my idea of a family has always been three kids. We weren’t really trying, but we thought if it happens, great. If it doesn’t, th
at’s okay, too.”

  “But it wasn’t okay.”

  “He started to slide about two months ago and I braced myself. Look, I’ve made my bed, as you’ve so often told me. You two didn’t give up on each other when things got tough. Especially you, Mom.”

  “How can we help you?”

  “By understanding that this is something I’ve learned to cope with, as painful as it is. Don’t push me to leave him.”

  “But what about the kids? It can’t be good for them to see their father like this.”

  “They know that when Daddy gets very sad, it’s not their fault. And I give them extra attention.”

  “I think you’re asking too much of them and yourself.”

  “I’m doing the best I can, Daddy.”

  Vanessa woke up at that moment and Toni went to get her.

  “How are we going to talk some sense into her, Rose?”

  “Would you have listened to your parents at her age? Everybody thinks nobody else could possibly understand what they’re going through, especially when it comes to marriage. We’re on the outside, Al. If she doesn’t want to hear what we have to say, there’s nothing we can do, except be ready when everything comes crashing down.”

  “And it will.”

  “I know. I know.”

  Al, as usual, was angry that he couldn’t protect Toni. And I was hurt that she wouldn’t let us do more. I even wondered if I was making the situation harder by staying, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave when I saw how much she had on her shoulders. I tried to keep in the background whenever Bobby was home, which, frankly, wasn’t often. During the day, I found myself as busy as Mama had been—grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking. Anything that would take pressure off Toni. At night, I stayed in the guest room and watched TV on the little portable set, trying to block out my worries.

  I finally went home when Vanessa was two weeks old. I could see I was adding more stress than I was alleviating. I felt she was putting on an act to convince me that everything was fine. I didn’t want to make things worse by having her worry about what I thought of her marriage and her choices.

  I left her with a full freezer, a spotless house and a sweater set for the baby. If only that had been enough.

  Just before Thanksgiving, as I was peeling sweet potatoes, Toni called. Her voice was flat.

  “Mom? I just wanted you and Daddy to know that Bobby’s left.”

  “Left? As in moved out? Do you want us to come? What do you need?”

  “I’m okay. If you want to know the truth, I’m relieved. It’s over. I can stop trying to save him.”

  Toni had stood by Bobby during his depressed state, but when he came out of it he decided he needed to move on. He’d quit his job without telling Toni, sold his car and taken off on his motorcycle. Al was ready to go after him and strangle him.

  “Let him go, Al. If you ask me, it’s a blessing that he’s gone. Maybe now she can get on with her life.”

  All Toni would tell us was that she’d come home from school after picking up the kids to find Bobby in the bedroom packing a suitcase. She thought he had a business trip. He’d been jumpy the past couple of weeks. The slow-moving guy who’d ignored everyone when Vanessa was born had been replaced by someone so full of nervous energy that he couldn’t sleep.

  She sat on the edge of the bed nursing Vanessa while Bobby moved from closet to dresser to suitcase, talking a mile a minute while he threw things into his bag. He claimed he had a job offer in Boulder, Colorado, the opportunity of a lifetime. He was leaving immediately on his motorcycle.

  She made him say goodbye to the boys. She told us she wondered whether she’d even have gotten the meager explanation he’d given her if she’d stopped at the Star Market to pick up groceries on her way home. If she and the kids had been later, would he have waited? Or would he have left without saying goodbye, his empty side of the closet the only indication that he was gone?

  She didn’t know.

  She made supper for the kids and put them to bed like any other night. She called us the next day.

  Al wanted her to come home.

  “How are you going to manage on your own with three kids way out there?”

  “Daddy, I’ve been living here for over seven years. And most of the time I have been on my own, even when Bobby was here. We’re fine. We’ll see you at Thanksgiving. I’ll stay over so you can spend more time with the kids.”

  We didn’t tell anybody else at Thanksgiving dinner about what had happened, except Mike and Manny, of course. Like their father, they couldn’t believe what Bobby had done to their sister. It was beyond understanding.

  When aunts or cousins asked about Bobby, we just said he was away. Toni didn’t want the whole family discussing her life or making comments, especially in front of the kids.

  I thought she’d be on the edge of a nervous breakdown, but I have to hand it to her—she held herself together. She came in with the kids on Wednesday afternoon and plunged right in to help. She even put the boys to work, setting the kids’ table. She had Vanessa in one of those baby carriers that hold a baby on a mother’s chest, close to her heartbeat. It left her hands free and I was impressed by how much she could get done in the kitchen. And Vanessa didn’t fuss.

  “I wish they’d invented that thing when you kids were small! Keeping you happy while I was in the kitchen used to run me ragged.”

  I noticed things over those five days they stayed with us. Toni was calmer than I’d seen her in ages, and the dark circles under eyes were disappearing. Maybe it was that Vanessa was starting to sleep through the night or that Toni no longer stayed up worrying about Bobby. She laughed with her brothers. She moved around the table at Thanksgiving, spending time with her aunts and uncles and cousins, introducing herself to Mike and Manny’s friends—time she hadn’t spent in years because she always seemed distracted by making sure Bobby was comfortable. They’d always just come for dinner in the past and had often been the first to leave, as if Toni had extracted from him the compromise of attending the meal and nothing else.

  In spite of the uncertainty of her future, she seemed to be enjoying herself. She seemed to be herself.

  I was glad she had those days surrounded by family and activity. Mike took the boys to the Museum of Science. I took them to the new Disney movie. We sat around the dining room table at night and played cards.

  I felt like I had my daughter back. I hated that the price to be paid for that was the breakup of her marriage. But if those early days were any indication, it might have been the best thing that had happened to her.

  I don’t mean to downplay how difficult the next year was for Toni, dealing with the messy details of Bobby’s abandonment of his family. More than once, she thought about taking him back, even moving out to Colorado. Apparently she’d been talking to him.

  “Are you nuts?” I said to her when she told me she was considering it.

  “He’s the father of my children.”

  “And he abandoned them. Look at how well they’re doing! How good a mother you are. If you go out there, knowing no one, who’ll be there for you when it all falls apart again? Because it will.”

  Thank God she had friends who told her the same thing. Everybody could see the change in her for the better. And no one wanted her to go back. She finally accepted that it was a fool’s mission. She’d bought a plane ticket to go to Boulder for the weekend, “just to talk,” she said. She was taking Vanessa because she was still nursing her but realized it would be too hard on the boys. She also didn’t know what condition she’d find Bobby in, or even how he was living. But when she got to Logan a massive storm system was moving across the country and flights were being delayed left and right. She waited with Vanessa for five hours. Mike went into the airport to have supper with her and it’s a good thing he did. The flight was cancelled at 11:00 p.m. She called Bobby to let him know, and from what Mike could tell, Bobby didn’t seem to care one way or the other if she came—that wee
kend or ever. She wavered about rebooking for the next day, but Mike said, “I think this cancellation is a message. You’re not supposed to go, Toni. If Bobby wants his family back, let him come to you.”

  She burst into tears, but she knew her brother was right. She got into a cab with him and they returned to our place. She never talked about following Bobby to Colorado again.

  She got a lawyer after that, somebody Graham Bennett recommended, and started divorce proceedings.

  When we heard she was selling the house, Al urged her to move back to the neighborhood.

  “Let us help you, Toni.”

  “Daddy, it’s wonderful of you to offer. I can’t tell you how important it’s been these past few months to have you all around me. But I need to be on my own for a while. Besides, with my job at the high school, living here in the city would be too far to commute. I’ll find a place to rent that I can manage financially, and I promise to be here every week for dinner with the kids.”

  She stood her ground. As much as she’d become one of us again since Bobby had left, she held on to that private part of herself that I knew had always been there.

  “She doesn’t want to be smothered, Pop,” Mike explained to Al after he’d tried again to convince her to take an apartment in one of our buildings.

  “She’s a thirty-year-old woman. What does she think, that we’re going to treat her like a teenager?”

  “Wait till she starts dating again. I guarantee you, you’d be watching who goes up the stairs, and whether or not he comes back down.”

  “Don’t be smart!”

  “Pop, you don’t want to know everything that’s going on in our lives. Trust me!”

  I reminded Al what a difference it had made when we’d gotten our own place after living with my parents.

  “Don’t you remember what it was like? Mama, no matter how much I tried to keep our problems from her, saw and heard everything! And had an opinion about it.”

  “Yeah, but you’ve said yourself you wish the family wasn’t so spread out. The farther people move from the neighborhood, the looser the bonds that keep us together. Look at what happened after your father passed away. I just want her close enough to protect her. If we’d known sooner what was going on when she was married to that jerk, maybe things would’ve turned out differently.”