On the Plus Side

by Vargo, Tabatha

  When I came out of my room, I stopped face to face with Devin. He had a really weird look on his face and for a minute I thought he was going to cancel our date and say that he never wanted to see my fat face again.

  “Aren’t you going to introduce us, Lilly? Don’t be rude, I didn’t raise you to be rude.” She smiled sweetly at Devin, but I knew what was on the other side of that smile.

  I rolled my eyes and blew out my deep breath.

  “Mom, this is Devin. Devin, this is my overbearing, bossy, thinks she owns my apartment building, mother.” I smiled sarcastically and sweetly back at my mom.

  I could feel Devin’s nervousness radiating toward me. Poor guy.

  “Devin, you look familiar. Have we met before?” my mother purred.

  His entire body went stiff and for a minute something seemed…off.

  “No, ma’am, I don’t think we have, but it’s nice to meet you. Lilly, are you ready? I hate to be rude, Mrs. Sheffield, but we have dinner reservations for thirty minutes from now.”

  “Not at all, Devin, you kids have fun.”

  The way she said his name made my stomach turn.

  She snatched up her bag and went to the front door. “I’ll call you tomorrow, Lilly.”

  Then she was gone. I turned to Devin with an apology in my eyes.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “For what?” he asked.

  “I didn’t arrange for you to meet my mother or anything like that, she just popped up and I was in the process of trying to kick her out when you…”

  He reached out and grabbed my hand, stopping all words from leaving my mouth.

  “No worries, it wasn’t that bad. Stop apologizing to me all the time,” he smiled. “Let’s go, I’m starving.”

  Once we were at the restaurant, I spent the first few minutes looking over the menu and trying to find a not so expensive meal. I wanted this meal to also be small. I wanted the meal to say, “Hey this chick really doesn’t eat that much.”

  Later, after we left the restaurant, we stopped off at a gas station really quick and I sat in the car while Devin pumped gas. He apologized like a mad man for not having gotten the gas before the date. I laughed at him. Like I cared whether or not he got gas. I was out and about with him and that’s what mattered to me at this point. It didn’t matter if we were at a nice restaurant or at a ratty old gas station.

  I ran inside for a pack of minty gum and was on my way back to his car when I noticed him talking with another guy.

  “Lilly, this is my friend Matt. Matt, this is Lilly.” He looked nervous as he tucked his hands into his pockets and looked away from me.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said.

  The million dollar question…do hot boys run in packs? Was it like a secret society that no one knew about, because Matt was hot! He was just as tall as Devin with black hair and sea blue eyes. I wanted to stick my pinky finger in his little dimple as he smiled back at me. His eyes brazenly moved up and down my body and I suddenly felt naked. I had to stop myself from covering my boobs with my hands. Heat infused my face as I started to blush.

  Was he wondering what Devin was doing running around town with the fat girl?

  “It’s very nice to meet you, Lilly.”

  He exaggerated the L’s in my name which resulted in his tongue being flicked at me before he sucked his bottom lip in and ran his teeth across it.

  And then I saw it… a look that I instantly recognized. It was the same look Devin had given me that very first day in the café, the same look I get from Devin all the time. Matt was checking me out. He was smiling and talking to me all flirty like.

  What the hell was going on around me? Was I suddenly secreting some female hormone that I never had before? And did this secret female hormone attract sexual man beasts? I seemed to be surrounded by them lately. I’m not complaining, but what the hell?

  I looked over at Devin and almost laughed out loud when a scowl developed across his face.

  “So, Lilly, what the hell are you doing out with a punk like Devin. You could be out with a real man like me,” he winked and nodded.

  Typical playboy moves…I think. At least that’s what they do on TV.

  I laughed nervously and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

  “That’s enough, Matt,” I heard Devin say. “What are you getting into tonight?”

  “Headed over to a party on the docks. Y’all should come. It’ll be fun.”

  “That sounds fun.” I smiled sweetly at Devin. “Wanna go?”

  Devin didn’t look too happy about it, but he agreed.

  Within the hour, we were at some strange house with a bunch of laughing, drunken people. It was pretty exciting. Technically, it was my first house party.

  Matt handed me a fruity drink before leaving me and Devin alone. I watched as he made his way through the room and socialized with random women.

  “He’s a dog, you know?” Devin spoke as his sipped on his soda.

  I thought it was really cool that he wasn’t drinking so that he could drive.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Matt, he’s a good friend. Don’t get me wrong, but he’s a man-whore. He flirts with everyone. I just wanted to let you know before you run off with him for the rest of the night.” He shrugged and looked away like he could care less.

  “Whatever,” I laughed and playfully pushed at his hard chest.

  I met so many different people, some were friends of Devin’s, some were friends of a friend, like me. I felt very welcomed and comfortable. It was nothing like high school that was for sure.

  Before long, I had quite the buzz. I’m not sure how many drinks I had, but I thought for sure that my bladder would explode in a matter of minutes if I didn’t find the nearest bathroom.

  The music was muffled once I was in the bathroom. I tried to reapply my makeup and look a little more presentable. I laughed at myself when I realized that I actually looked drunk. My eyes were glazed over and my cheeks were flushed. I even noticed myself leaning a little more onto the bathroom counter than I usually would.

  “No more drinks for you, Lilly,” I said to myself with a little chuckle.

  I left the bathroom and was making my way down a long, empty hallway that led to the party when I met Devin. Like the drunken person that I was, I gave in and leaned against the wall.

  “Stick a fork in me. I’m done!” I giggled when I heard myself slurring. The giggle was followed by a hiccup.

  He laughed.

  “Do you want me to take you home?” An adorable smile spread across his face.

  “Yes, please.” I pressed my cheeks against the cold wall and closed my eyes.

  The hallway seemed to be shifting under my feet and I knew that I had definitely over done it in the drinking department. A soft moan escaped my lips as I switched cheeks against the cool hallway wall.

  Suddenly, I felt fingers in my hair. I turned toward the hands and enjoyed the feel of it. He worked his fingers through the strands and tucked stray pieces of hair behind my ear. Soon, I felt his soft lips against mine. His kiss was so soft and sweet. I let him take my lips. I heard myself making little noises, but it was like the alcohol had washed away the filters in my brain and I was free to say whatever I wanted.

  “That feels amazing,” I slurred.

  “You feel amazing,” he whispered in my ear.

  My sexual tension snapped and I turned and kissed him. I used my palms to push him up against the wall as I attacked his mouth like a starving woman. I felt like I could do anything. I had no fear whatsoever about being rejected. I kissed him harder and faster as I pinned him to the wall with my body. He delved his hands into my hair and turned my head to get deeper into the kiss.

  Liquid bravery…I’d been taking shot after shot of that shit all night and now I could do anything I wanted. I reached down the front of him and grabbed his hardness through his jeans. He was turned on and the noises he made once I was touching him were making me even more courageou
s.

  I had no idea what the hell I was doing, I just knew I wanted to touch him everywhere. I started to move my hand up and down and I felt his body go tense as he let out a little growl. I moved closer to him and continued to kiss him like the deprived woman that I was.

  I moved away from his lips and nibbled at his ear before I moved to his neck. More little noises were pulled from him. His breathing got hard and fast as I continued to run my hand over the front of his pants over and over again. He whispered my name and it drove me harder.

  “Lilly, stop,” he rasped against my mouth.

  I continued touching him and kissing him.

  “Please, Lilly, this is wrong. You have to stop.”

  His voice was soft and inviting. He didn’t sound like a man that wanted me to stop. He sounded like he was begging me to keep going. The whining sound in his voice let me know that he definitely did not want to stop.

  I didn’t. Instead, I reached down inside his jeans and grabbed him.

  “Yes,” he whispered into my mouth. “Fuck yes, touch me, baby.”

  I moved my hand up and down the best I could since his belt was cutting into my arm. He was so hot to the touch and while he was hard as a rock, he still managed to feel soft to the touch.

  Before I realized what was happening he pushed me up against the opposite wall of the hallway. I felt his hot hands against my outer thighs as he roughly pushed my skirt up. I heard the jingling of his belt and the sound of his zipper. He lifted my leg up and around his hip and tugged my panties to the side. He looked back up at me and the look in his eyes was raw… dangerous with need.

  I gripped at his shoulders and prepared myself for the shot of pain that was supposed to come with your first time.

  I felt hot hardness against my inner thigh and his breath against my ear when he leaned forward. He gripped my ass with one hand and lifted my leg more with the other as he pressed against me. Then as quickly as it started, everything stopped.

  He let go of my leg and he moved away from me. I let it slowly dropped to the ground while he reached down and pulled my skirt to cover me back up. Finally, he looked me in the face and the wild passion was gone. Instead of the feral man he was just seconds before, he looked like a scared, unadulterated little boy that had just woken up from a horrible nightmare.

  “I’m so sorry, Lilly. I don’t know what came over me,” he shook his head.

  “It’s OK. I don’t want you to stop,” I breathed.

  “No,” he snapped. “This can’t happen.”

  He looked away from me and put his clothes back together. The jingle of his belt and his zipper sounded again, reminding me of what almost just happened.

  “Did I do something wrong?” I asked.

  I still felt like my knees were going to give out on me.

  “I can’t let that happen. We can’t have sex.”

  It took a minute for his words to register. This continues to happen—me throwing myself at him and him wanting me, and then suddenly pushing me away. I was getting blue balls and I didn’t even have balls! I felt like every girl part I owned was about to pop if something, anything, didn’t get released soon.

  What man in his right mind turns down a ready and willing woman? I mean seriously!

  Then a thought crossed my mind.

  “Oh God, Devin. Do you have something? Like an STD or something?”

  “What? No! Why the hell would you even ask me that?”

  “I just assumed since you keep saying we can’t have sex that there must be a really important reason.”

  “No, that’s not it. I can have sex, “he jabbed himself in the chest. “Just not with you.”

  The way he said it made me think of all the high school boys who used to talk about me. He sounded like he was completely disgusted by me. I felt like I’d been punched in the face. All this time I was throwing myself at him and he was disgusted by me. That should’ve been my first thought. Duh, Lilly! Men want beach bodies, not beached whales!

  Oh he was a sexual creature who wanted sex alright—just not from me. Me. The fat girl. Me. Lilly. He didn’t want me.

  I pushed him away and started down the hallway. I felt tears sting my eyes, but there was no way in Hell I was going to cry. I hadn’t cried in years, there was no way I would let him make me cry. I cursed myself for even allowing my eyes to water that little bit.

  I heard him call out my name, but I kept walking. I passed through the crowd of party-goers in the living room and I heard his friend, Matt, call out my name as I went out the front door. The cool air rushed over me and cooled my hot, embarrassed skin.

  “Hey, sexy girl,” Matt said with a slur. “Did ass-face leave you stranded? Wanna ride me? I mean…do you want me to give you a ride?” He said on purpose with a smirk.

  “Yes, please take me home.”

  I didn’t care that he was being a big drunk pervert. I didn’t care that he was drunk at all. It was stupid on my part, but I needed to get the hell away from the party and Devin as fast as possible.

  I don’t really remember the drive home. I was completely heartbroken and drunk. When I got home Shannon was on the couch with Erin and Gabby.

  “Are you drunk?” Shannon shot off of the couch and followed me to my room. “Lil, what’s wrong? Did that bastard do something to hurt you?”

  “No, I’m fine!” I called out before slamming the door in her face.

  I wasn’t trying to be mean and I know she’d forgive me tomorrow, but I just wanted to go in my room, wash my face, and go to sleep. I never, ever, wanted to see Devin again!

  Thirty minutes later, after I was settled in bed with night clothes on, I heard a tap on my door. I knew it was Shannon and the girls trying to be nosey.

  “Not now, y’all!” I called back. “I just wanna go to sleep. We can talk about what’s bothering me tomorrow. Goodnight!”

  I turned my back to the door and was in the process of getting comfortable when I heard my bedroom door open.

  “Shannon, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t need a power to the fatties pep talk. I just want to be miserable. Please, just let me dwell in my unhappy fatness tonight, OK? Please.” I turned my head into the pillow.

  “Don’t say things like that about yourself,” Devin said in a sharp tone.

  I sat up like lightning to see him standing beside my bed.

  “Get out,” I hissed before turning my back to him.

  “I’m so sorry.” I heard him take a deep breath.

  The alcohol was slowly leaving my body and the little bit of numbness I felt earlier was beginning to melt away. I was starting to feel the pain of tonight—and my past was slamming into me. Not to mention, my damn leg was starting to hurt again.

  I couldn’t take another apology. Not tonight. Not ever. As far as I was concerned, he could take that apology and shove it right up his sexy ass. I grabbed my pillow and hurled it at him.

  “Get out! Just leave me alone. You don’t want me that way, then fine! I get it, OK? So quit torturing me. I’ve never done anything to you. Why do you insist on driving me nuts? I’m done with this crap, so leave me the fuck alone!”

  I never dropped the F-bomb unless I was really emotional. I’m pretty sure this qualified as an overly dramatic emotional moment.

  He didn’t say anything else.

  I turned away from him again and soon I heard the soft click of my bedroom door when he left. I fell into a deep, drunken sleep.

  Twelve

  A Hardened Heart

  It’s been three days since I’ve heard from or seen Lilly. She isn’t answering any of my phone calls and the one time that I stopped by her apartment Shannon said she wasn’t there, yet her car was. I’m pretty much being ignored. I know this game well since I’ve played it many times in my life, except this time I’m on the receiving end and it sucks monkey balls in hell.

  I’ve never had a female ignore me before, and it’s driving me bat-shit crazy. I know it’s nothing less than what I deserve
and in a strange way it’s kind of setting me straight. It’s a taste of my own medicine and it’s coming from the most unbelievable source. If I had told any one of my friends that an overweight chick was ignoring my phone calls they’d shit.

  It’s an awful place to be…the receiving end. I can’t even say it’s because of the money. I’d be lying if I said I even thought about the money even once since the night of the party. I know we still need it and everything, but I spend my days thinking about her and my nights waiting with my cell phone close by just in case she misses talking to me as much as I miss talking to her. I even started doing something that I’ve never done before, which is worry about another guy.

  All I can think about is the fact that my man-whore of a friend, Matt, had taken her home and had at least twenty minutes alone with her. Matt would have no problem what-so-ever with throwing her up against a wall and fucking her senseless. Me on the other hand, I had to suddenly grow a conscious.

  I’d kill him if I find out he even laid a finger on her.

  What the hell is happening to me?

  Later that day, Jenny and I did some grocery shopping. Well, Jenny grocery shopped and I pushed the grocery cart around.

  “What’s going on with you, Devin? You’ve been in la la land for the last couple of days. You’re not on drugs are you? I’ll kick your ass if that’s the case,” Jenny blurted out.

  “Would you watch your mouth? You’re too damn young to be running around cussing like a sailor, and no I’m not on drugs. Just got a lot on my mind is all.” I bumped into a small display table almost knocking everything over.

  “Dad says you act heartbroken. Are you?” she said with a huge grin. “You know I think I might like this new girl you’re talking to.”

  “I’m not heartbroken,” I said, and then quickly tried to change the subject. “You want spaghetti on Wednesday night?”

  I started to pick through the different kinds of spaghetti sauces like it was my one true calling when I heard Jenny once again curse.