Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents

by Cormac O'Brien

  Bringing firearms into the White House is illegal—unless your name is Elvis Presley.The King brought Nixon the gift of a

  By 1968, Nixon had suffered losses in a run for president against Kennedy and a run for governor of California. It looked as if his political career was finished. Unfortunately for the rest of us, he made an astonishing comeback, recasting himself as a chastened, wiser Nixon. With lavish support from the old dubious sources, he squeezed out Humphrey to achieve the title he’d wanted for so long: president of the United States.

  Buried beneath the criminal activity that brought down the administration is a surprisingly liberal agenda including welfare reform and affirmative action. And Nixon’s visits to China and the Soviet Union rank as some of the finest accomplishments of any chief executive.

  But is that what most people remember about Richard Nixon’s one and a half terms? No. And why? Because, after promising an end to the Vietnam conflict before even getting into the White House, he allowed it to drag on—and expand into neighboring countries—through five more years; because, when national opposition to the war reached a fever pitch, he responded to his critics with paranoia and brutality; because, when a group of criminals were caught breaking into the Democratic National Committee’s headquarters in the Watergate building and it was discovered that their sponsors could be found in the president’s circle, Nixon went out of his way to cover it all up; because, facing impeachment, he became the first American president to resign; and because he was foolish enough to capture every bit of his scheming, peevish, foul-mouthed recklessness on tape, most of which has since become available to the public.

  And those are just a few of the reasons.

  It’s quite sad, really. Despite his titanic potential as a shaper of international peace at a time when the world needed it most, Dick Nixon threw it all away, leaving behind a heap of lies that serve as a harsh reminder to us all: Unless we’re vigilant, the folks we elect to high office might just get away with anything.

  QUICK STUDY

  Long before the break-ins and dirty tricks of his presidential administration, young Richard Nixon showed promise in the criminal arts. While at Whittier College, he and a bunch of fellow students were arrested for sneaking into a movie theater without buying tickets. Even as a student, Dick was resourceful; he and his pals escaped punishment by phoning an alumnus of Whittier who’d become a judge. Later, while studying law at Duke, Nixon fretted over grades. During his second year there, he could no longer wait till they were posted, and he and two friends took matters into their own hands—they broke into the dean’s office to have a look.

  GETS BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS

  During Nixon’s campaigns for the House of Representatives and the Senate, his camp encouraged people to answer their phones by saying, “Vote for Nixon.” Should they properly do so when receiving a cold call from Nixon’s headquarters, they would be rewarded with toasters, electric clocks, and other appliances.

  Schemes like this one were the stock in trade of one Murray Chotiner. Having failed in politics himself, he became a professional conniver who devoted himself to Nixon. According to author Anthony Summers in The Arrogance of Power, Chotiner pulled off all sorts of nefarious deeds on behalf of his friend and master, from spying on Democratic candidates and threatening people with death to accepting laundered cash and securing the release from prison of Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa in return for money. He even represented Nixon in negotiations for large—and suspect—cash contributions from eccentric, maniacal rich guy Howard Hughes, who bent over backward to buy influence. Hughes even “lent” some $205,000 to Nixon’s inept brother, Donald, who was experiencing business troubles in a dubious transaction that would repeatedly dog Nixon right through the Watergate investigations.

  MR. TOUCHY-FEELY

  Few people ever acquired anything like a close relationship with Nixon, who was notoriously aloof and impersonal. Even his wife, Pat, endured a distant relationship; Nixon was fond of communicating with her and their daughters through memos signed “The President.” Chief of Staff H. R. Haldeman, who went to jail for attempting to shield his boss from the administration’s lawlessness, maintained that Nixon never asked him a thing about his family. The one time they shook hands in the seventeen years they knew each other was when Nixon was forced to sack him during Watergate.

  DIZZY DICK

  If you’ve studied the previous chapters closely, you’ve probably noticed that running the country and drinking booze often go hand in hand. The Nixon White House was no exception. The problem with Nixon, however, was his tolerance—he had none. Henry Kissinger, who served Nixon as national security advisor and as secretary of state, once said, “Two glasses of wine were quite enough to make him boisterous, just one more to grow bellicose or sentimental with slurred speech.” Historian Anthony Summers even claims that Nixon sometimes mixed his alcohol with sleeping pills.

  Nixon’s weakness for drink first alarmed administration members in 1969, when an American intelligence-gathering aircraft was shot down by a North Korean fighter in international waters. That Nixon actually contemplated using nuclear weapons in retaliation is shocking enough—but, as Seymour Hersh relates in The Price of Power, the new president was blitzed when the crisis broke.

  The president’s poor timing was repeated several times, according to Anthony Summers, most notably when Palestinian terrorists hijacked a TWA jetliner and forced it to land at Damascus until their demands were met. When Henry Kissinger phoned Nixon to inform him of the situation, Dick—who was sloshed—replied, “Bomb the airport of Damascus.” Nothing came of it, as Kissinger and other administration officials knew enough not to act on an alcohol-inspired presidential edict.

  POMP GOES THE WEASEL

  “Don’t you dare call me Dick,” Nixon said to a longtime associate after being elected president. “I am the president of the United States. When you speak to me, you call me Mr. President.” Nixon, no doubt, had delusions of grandeur, and he did all sorts of things to imbue his White House with an imperious air. He commissioned new uniforms to adorn the White House police force, complete with epaulets, gold embroidery, and tall military caps. But when the press made them the subject of scornful ridicule, Nixon sold them to a high school band in Iowa.

  Everybody Loves Nixon!

  And you can, too. Just listen to what these folks had to say about him:

  “This man will never be president. The people don’t like him.”—Dwight Eisenhower.

  “The most dangerous, of all the men running, to have as president.”—Henry Kissinger.

  “Nixon is a shifty, goddamn liar, and people know it.”—Harry Truman.

  “If I’ve done nothing for this country, I’ve saved them from Dick Nixon.”—John Kennedy, upon becoming president in 1960.

  “I will not break bread with that man!”—Averell Harriman, upon discovering that Nixon was a fellow guest at a dinner party.

  DICK SHTICK

  Nixon’s opinions on all manner of things may have been lost to posterity were it not for the library of taped conversations he left behind (and that were subpoenaed by the government to build a case for impeachment). A voice-activated system captured everything spoken in the Oval Office, ostensibly for his memoirs (yeah, right). Now, thanks to his assiduous self-bugging—as well as numerous off-the-cuff remarks made to people throughout his career—we can gain insight into his wisdom on such topics as:

  Italians:“Difference is they smell different, they look different, they act different . . . trouble is, you can’t find one that’s honest.”

  Affirmative action:“With blacks you can usually settle for an incompetent, because there are just not enough competent ones.”

  Jews: “Could we please investigate some of the cocksuckers?”

  Reporters:“I wouldn’t give them the sweat off my balls.”

  Leadership:“You’re never going to make it in politics. You just don’t know how to lie.”

  TWO
KINGS

  Someone had once told Elvis Presley, who collected sheriff’s badges, that he’d have to go to the president of the United States himself if he wanted to add a federal narcotics badge to his collection. So the King did just that, and he came bearing the gift of a gold-plated .45-caliber pistol (security, anyone?!). The weapon remains on display in the White House. Nixon and Presley embraced each other for the cameras in a photo that remains one of the most famous in presidential history.

  THE BIG W

  No discussion of Nixon would be complete without at least a cursory mention of Watergate. Nixon was fond of gathering information about the swarms of people he considered enemies—so he recruited a cadre of supporters who hired men to do the dirty work (e.g., Gordon Liddy, an ex-FBI agent who enjoyed listening to military music and conjuring new ways of killing people). Originally called the Plumbers (they plugged leaks, after all), they centered their criminal activities—burglaries, wiretapping, and such—around digging up anything that could be used against opponents. It wasn’t long before the Democratic National Headquarters, located in the Watergate building, became a prime target.

  The extent to which Nixon knew of the Plumbers’ activities is open to question. But when the Watergate burglars were caught, Nixon did quite a bit to cover up their connection to the Oval Office, including a ploy to get the CIA to intervene in the FBI’s investigation. It took months, but Congress eventually built up a case for impeachment that convinced Tricky Dick that he had only one option left: resign.

  Lincoln Log

  “Have you ever been to the Lincoln Memorial?” Nixon asked his valet, Manolo Sanchez. It was before dawn on May 9, 1971, the day when protesters gathered in Washington in remembrance of the May 4 Kent State shootings, in which four students had died from National Guard bullets. “No,” replied Sanchez. So they went.

  After a brief tour, Nixon walked over to some student protesters. After having a listless conversation (and posing for a picture), he climbed back into the car. Before taking off, a student walked up and gave him the finger.

  Nixon gave it back. “That S.O.B. will go through the rest of his life telling everybody that the president of the United States gave him the finger,” said Nixon. “And nobody will believe him!”

  PRESIDENTIAL PETS

  Chickens and lizards and bears, oh my! All kinds of strange creatures have resided in the White House over the years; here are just a few of our favorite presidential pets:

  TOMAS JEFFERSON had a mockingbird that would take food from the president’s mouth.

  ZACHARY TAYLOR’s beloved horse Old Whitey could often be seen munching on the White House lawn. He was included in his master’s funeral procession, marching right behind the coffin.

  ABRAHAM LINCOLN gave his sons two goats, Nanny and Nanko, which little Tad Lincoln harnessed to an overturned chair to fashion a chariot. Lincoln also adopted a litter of kittens that had appeared one day in the War Department’s telegraph office, insisting that the officers who manned the wire take care of them when he was not present.

  UTHERFORD B. HAYES’s wife, Lucy, had a Siamese cat—purportedly the first in the country—that had been sent to her by the American consul in Bangkok.

  GROVER CLEVELAND owned a house on the outskirts of Washington that he and his wife used as a sanctuary from the press. It was also home to an impressive menagerie that included canaries, rabbits, foxes, and rats.

  WILLIAM MCKINLEY had a parrot that could whistle “Yankee Doodle.”

  THEODORE ROOSEVELT presided over a veritable barnyard White House. Among the innumerable nonhuman residents were chickens, bears, lizards, a blue macaw named Eli, and a pig named Maude.

  CALVIN COOLIDGE was the owner of a raccoon that he would walk on a leash around the White House grounds.

  FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT’s Scottish terrier Fala was present aboard the USS Augusta when his master and Winston Churchill signed the Atlantic Charter in 1941.

  JOHN F. KENNEDY’s White House was the home of ponies, lovebirds, hamsters, and (a gift from Nikita Krushchev) Pushinka, daughter of Strelka, the Russian dog sent into space.

  LYNDON JOHNSON got into trouble with the media when he picked up his beagles, Him and Her, by the ears in front of a gaggle of reporters.

  And while everyone remembers Chelsea Clinton’s cat, Socks, let’s not forget that BILL CLINTON had a pet of his own (no, not Monica—shame on you): Buddy, a chocolate lab.

  38 GERALD R. FORD

  July 14, 1913–December 26, 2006

  ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Cancer

  TERM OF PRESIDENCY: 1974–1977

  PARTY: Republican

  AGE UPON TAKING OFFICE: 61

  VICE PRESIDENT: Nelson Rockefeller

  RAN AGAINST: N/A

  HEIGHT: 6′

  NICKNAME: “Jerry”

  SOUND BITE: “I am a Ford, not a Lincoln.”

  Gerald Ford became vice president and later president without ever receiving a single vote from American citizens. He is the only man in American history to have been foisted on the nation by circumstances—twice.

  The first time was when Richard Nixon’s vice president, Spiro Agnew, was forced to resign in 1973 amidst accusations of graft. The mostly Democratic Congress told Nixon that the only Republican replacement they’d approve was Gerald Ford, whose bland, happy-go-lucky style made him virtually the only man in Washington who didn’t have enemies. Watergate then thrust the new vice president into the Oval Office on August 9, 1974, after Nixon gave in to national and congressional disgust and bailed out.

  Every klutzy thing Ford did ended up in the news—like the night he locked himself out of the White House while walking his dog.

  President Ford’s first priority was rebuilding the American people’s trust in their chief executive, and he was the perfect guy for the job. Born Leslie Lynch King, Jr., in Omaha, Nebraska, he became Gerald Ford after his mother divorced her abusive husband and married again—to a paint store owner named Gerald Ford. After taking his stepfather’s name, the young Ford became every parent’s dream: a good student and athlete who even found time to make Eagle Scout. He got a football scholarship to the University of Michigan, where he played center and was voted most valuable player. After graduating in 1935 with a degree in economics, he was offered contracts to play pro ball by the Green Bay Packers and the Detroit Lions but turned them down to go to Yale, where he studied law while coaching football and boxing. He fought the Japanese as a navy officer in World War II, opened a law practice in Michigan, and went on to beat the local Republican politician for a seat in Congress in 1948. He would remain in the House of Representatives for the next twenty-five years, ever hopeful that he’d achieve his dream of becoming speaker.

  His dream never came true. But then, he never thought he stood a chance at becoming president. Once he took office, however, the nation embraced him as a breath of fresh air after years of Nixonite stench. Ford was laid-back, self-deprecating, friendly, and eager to answer questions from the press—everything his imperious, paranoid predecessor was not. The man even cleaned up after his own dog—Americans cooed when he beat a staffer to a fresh coil left by the presidential pooch, Liberty, at a ski lodge in Vail, Colorado. The new chief could do no wrong, and his approval ratings shot up. Oh, happy day.

  Then he did the one thing that could ruin the honeymoon: After only a month in office, he pardoned Nixon. It was intended as a way to put the “national nightmare,” as he called it, to rest. But people across the nation saw it as a cop-out. Ford even appeared before a House committee to answer charges that he’d made a deal with Nixon. Overnight, Ford’s approval ratings plummeted. So much for winning the people’s trust.

  Things never really got better for him. It was bad enough that a 1973 oil embargo by OPEC sent the nation into a recession the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the Great Depression, but Ford’s attempts to solve the problem ran up against a hostile Congress. The 1974 midterm elections packed both houses with Democrats still havi
ng nightmares about Tricky Dick, and Ford seemed like so much residue from the bad old days. Oil shortages crippled the country, and inflation continued apace.

  Congress didn’t even let Ford conduct his own foreign policy. You wanna continue sending arms to Turkey in exchange for the security of American military bases there? Sorry. Aid for a beleaguered South Vietnam? Ha! And so it went, until, after announcing his bid for reelection in 1976, he had to fight for the Republican nomination against a very popular Ronald Reagan. Ford won that race, but he went on to lose a close one with Democrat Jimmy Carter.

  Ford was crushed by the loss. But it freed him to do the things he truly excelled at: touring the lecture circuit, serving on corporate boards, taking ski vacations, and playing endless hours of golf. Sure beats getting bitched at by Congress.

  ****************************************

  BEEFY CHIEF

  Gerald Ford wasn’t just one of the most athletic presidents in history, he was also a darn good-looking man (in his younger days, anyway). In 1939, he and his girlfriend appeared in a Look magazine pictorial that gave readers a peek at how the “beautiful people” live. His modeling career went into high gear three years later when he appeared on the cover of Cosmopolitan. Ford remains the only president to have worked as a model—at least until Fabio makes it to the White House.