Because of the List

by Amy Knupp

  “If something’s wrong, why didn’t you call me?” Taylor asked. Clearly something was up.

  “I figured you were at the IT Professionals mixer tonight. Why aren’t you?”

  Taylor avoided Alex’s interested gaze as he took the chair next to her. “I…I’m taking a night off.” At least one. The thought of forcing herself to go out and be social again was painful. She needed a break.

  “How was Saturday night?” Vienna asked, perking up. “Everything go okay?”

  Taylor should have called her yesterday to report. Then she wouldn’t have Alex giving her that look right now, waiting for her to tell all.

  “It went really well.” She answered the question honestly. So maybe it was misleading, but she wasn’t ready to confess that there had been no spark. Not yet to Vienna, and definitely not to Alex.

  She made the mistake of glancing at Alex then and saw his jaw tighten. Or thought she did, anyway. Maybe he wasn’t paying any attention to them.

  “You know I need details,” Vienna said.

  “First you need to tell me what’s wrong.” Taylor frowned, fiddled with the napkin holder in the middle of the table. “I’ll fill you in later.”

  Her friend exhaled. “It’s not that big a deal. I just heard from Hugh Samuels that I didn’t get the job with your company.”

  “What?” Taylor put her hand on Vienna’s arm. “Nooo. I’m so sorry to hear that. What did he say?”

  “Standard lines. Blah blah, impressed with you, someone with more experience this time, yada yada.” Vienna picked up her beer and took a swallow. She stared at the can as she set it back in front of her. “I’m okay. Just disappointed. You didn’t have to call Taylor,” she repeated to Alex.

  “I’m not good at handling this kind of thing. You know that.”

  “There’s nothing to handle. You ordered me a beer. Two. That’s all anyone can do.” Vienna tried to make her voice light but it didn’t really work.

  “Where’s the white chocolate martini?” Taylor asked.

  “Patty’s not here tonight. She won’t tell anyone how she makes them. They all try but no one can do it right. Kind of a beer situation anyway.” She took another unladylike swig. “Speaking of…you need a drink.”

  “What do you want?” Alex asked, standing.

  Taylor allowed herself to look directly at him and noticed the bruising around his left eye. “What happened to you? Did you get in a fight?”

  “Brotherly love.”

  “You should see the other guy,” Vienna said. “Lucky me, I live with both of them.”

  “Beverage choice?” Alex clearly wasn’t going to discuss more.

  “Just tea.”

  One side of his mouth hitched upward in a half smirk. “Gingko blend?”

  “Do they have one?”

  “They have a jar of instant crystals.”

  She narrowed her eyes at him, taking a second to grasp that he was messing with her. His steel-colored gaze was amused, and she couldn’t help thinking how she loved that look. For whatever good it did her…

  “Do they have water?” she threw back at him.

  Appreciation—approval?—flitted across his gaze as he studied her for a moment. Or maybe she imagined it. Regardless, a surge of emotion hit her—one that he no doubt didn’t share—and she glanced quickly at Vienna, hoping she’d missed the silent back-and-forth.

  She hadn’t. As Alex walked off to get Taylor’s water, Vienna looked between them. Thankfully she said nothing.

  “Another beer for me, please,” Vienna called out after him.

  “I can’t believe they didn’t hire you,” Taylor said, itching to get the spotlight off herself, but also genuinely shocked. “I talked to Hugh. He raved about you.”

  “He’s a man,” Vienna said matter-of-factly. “Stupid men.”

  “You said it. I’d drink to that if I had a drink.”

  “What’s up with water?”

  “It’s Monday night. I’m all over the support thing but I’ve got a meeting first thing tomorrow and I can’t be fuzzy-brained.”

  “You could always just wash the drunk off in the shower,” Alex said as he rejoined them.

  “You have a point,” Taylor conceded, keeping a straight face. She took the bottled water from him. “I’ll be the designated driver tonight. You,” she said to Vienna, “do what you have to do.”

  Vienna finished off beer number two and took the next can from her brother. “I’m on it. Stupid men.”

  Taylor chuckled.

  “This is why you needed Taylor,” Alex said. “I’m not up for the man-bashing.”

  “You’re too good to me, army guy. Have a seat.”

  He shook his head. “I’m taking off in a couple. I’m confident Scarlet here will look after you.”

  She was in love with him and he was back to Scarlet. Fabulous.

  Pathetically, Taylor was disappointed when he didn’t glance at her. Even more so when he headed back to the bar and picked up his conversation with the man behind it without another word to her.

  What did she expect, though? Nothing had changed between them. This—having him call her to comfort his sister, running into him at a hole-in-the-wall bar—was as good as it got.

  She tried to ignore his presence as she and Vienna hashed over Hugh’s earlier phone call and then discussed the other companies Vienna had targeted. Taylor couldn’t help herself—she made a list of them on her phone as her friend rattled them off.

  “You’ve got a lot of excellent prospects,” Taylor said, typing away.

  “Thanks to you.”

  “I guess Operation Checklist was good for something.”

  Alex’s voice rose as he called out a goodbye to the bartender and headed for the front door. No glance at her. Not that she was waiting for one. Much.

  “Okay, spill it,” Vienna said.

  Drat. Taylor wasn’t sure what Vienna wanted her to spill but she could easily guess it wasn’t something she was comfortable talking about.

  “I’m empty,” she said, lifting the depleted water bottle, fully aware that playing stupid wouldn’t distract her friend. She couldn’t talk about Alex, though. To anyone.

  “Tay, this is me here. What’s going on between you and my brother?”

  “Nothing.” She took the cap off the empty bottle. Screwed it back on while Vienna stared at her.

  “That wasn’t ‘nothing.’ The teasing back and forth is one thing, but the looks between you two? I’m not blind.”

  Taylor felt the slow burn crawl up to her cheeks. She’d always been open with Vienna about the guys she’d gone out with, even though it was hard for her. But Alex… Vienna was too close to him. And Taylor’s emotions were too raw. She was in uncharted territory and had no idea how to navigate it. She wouldn’t even know what to say if she were able to start. A lump blocked her throat and she shook her head.

  Vienna stared at her. Leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. “If you’re not going to talk to me, let’s get out of here.” Her tone left no doubt she was ticked off. She pushed her chair back and angled toward the bar, asking the guy behind it what she owed.

  “Alex covered it,” the bartender said. “You’re good. Take care of yourself.”

  Hating that her friend was upset because of her, Taylor followed. When she cleared the building, she saw Vienna heading toward the sidewalk, obviously intending to walk home.

  “Vienna, come back. I’ll give you a ride. Please?”

  Vienna tilted her head as if considering, then turned around and approached Taylor’s car. “Can we get some food?”

  “Sounds good. Your choice.”

  When Taylor said Vienna could choose dinner, she hadn’t guessed she’d find herself on the lakeshore at a mostly deserted public beach eating Chunky Monkey ice cream from the container with a plastic spoon. The bananas in it had to give it some health benefits, right?

  They’d run into the grocery store and then stopped at Taylor’s so she could
change clothes. Vienna hadn’t spoken much, and Taylor wasn’t sure if she was more upset about the job or annoyed with Taylor.

  They sat on smooth gray boulders at the water’s edge. Vienna had kicked off her flip-flops and dipped her toes in the water as she shoveled ice cream into her mouth. The evening sun still warmed the air and Taylor briefly considered that it was hot enough to burn her fair skin if they were out for more than a few minutes. She watched a lone goose swim gracefully past them a few feet out, leaving a tiny wake. The bird made going solo seem so peaceful, so easy.

  “I’m not really used to having someone to confide my secrets to,” Taylor said, her spoon lodged upright in her ice cream. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

  Vienna shook her head, gazing out at a water skier in the middle of the lake. “It’s your business, Tay. If you want to keep it to yourself, that’s your decision.” She scooped another spoonful. “Just know that I wouldn’t tell anyone or make fun of whatever you say.”

  Taylor thought back to the first night Vienna and Alex had sat in her kitchen as she troubleshot Vienna’s laptop. Alex had blurted out her goal of finding a date and Taylor had expected Vienna to be amused. She hadn’t been. Not once in Taylor’s whole summer pursuit of a list guy had Vienna violated that trust or made her feel ridiculous.

  Logically, Taylor realized her fears were unfounded. Convincing herself to speak up was another matter entirely.

  She played with her spoon, dragging it around in the partially empty pint container, digging out a valley in the middle. Realizing she’d lost her appetite, she leaned over and set the package on the ground. When she straightened, she followed Vienna’s lead and stared directly ahead.

  “I slept with your brother.”

  Vienna made a choking noise, her eyes popping wide open as she faced Taylor. She patted her chest. “Let me get past the ick factor of knowing anything about my brother’s sex life…?.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m over it.” She rotated on her rock and managed to cross her legs without falling off. “I knew something was going on between you two. I’ve suspected it for weeks.”

  “Weeks?” Taylor wondered just how transparent she’d been.

  “I stopped buying the protective older brother routine from Alex long ago. He’s easy to read.”

  Taylor stared at her friend, confused. “Um, Alex is pretty indifferent, actually.”

  Vienna shook her head. “Oh, honey, I don’t think so. So tell me what’s going on. I want details…without details, if you know what I mean.”

  Taylor balanced herself and pulled her knees up to her chest. “I guess I’ve pretty much always had a crush on him. He and Quinn were my knights in shining armor growing up.” She went into detail about the times Alex had defended her. “Hero worship, I guess,” she said, smiling wistfully. Though she wouldn’t go back to those days for anything, they’d been somewhat simpler times.

  “He’s a good guy,” Vienna said. “Deep down. Sometimes he covers it up pretty well.”

  “It was the night of my coworker’s wedding…”

  “Aha! I should have guessed that. I knew how late he was that night, and then you told me he took you to the wedding. Duh.”

  “You asked me, actually. Sorry I lied. I was just…it was too much.”

  “I don’t know how I missed that. So you guys have been supersecret lovers ever since or what?”

  Taylor shook her head. “No. Not at all. Just the one night.”

  “That’s when you doubled your social efforts, right? Right after the wedding. You went kind of nuts about going out and meeting people.”

  Taylor filled her in on Brian and the “perfect” date. How she couldn’t stop comparing him to Alex. Couldn’t get him out of her head.

  “You’ve got it bad,” Vienna said. There was too much excitement in her voice.

  Taylor didn’t say anything. She couldn’t quite bring herself to admit to the L-word out loud. But judging by Vienna’s animation, she didn’t need to.

  “What are you going to do about it?” her friend asked.

  “Not a thing. He’s not into it, Vee. I may be socially dense but I can spot that from a mile away.”

  Vienna shook her head, a scheming look on her face. “I think you’re wrong. He cares about you.”

  “He doesn’t love me. Won’t love me.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I just…do. Look at me, Vienna. I’m an awkward computer geek. He’s…he could do so much better than me. And that’s if he wasn’t beating himself up daily about my brother.”

  Vienna hopped off her rock and started to pace. “You did not just say that bit about doing better than you. You’re gorgeous, Tay. And Alex is way aware of that.” She smiled conspiratorially. “This could be so much fun to watch.”

  Taylor wasn’t feeling her glee. “There’s nothing to see.”

  “Have you discussed any of this with him?”

  “Lord, no.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why would I?”

  Vienna clutched at her short hair. “Taylor! What if you could have a future with him?”

  I couldn’t. She didn’t say the words aloud but they rang through her head loud and clear.

  “He’ll be going back overseas soon,” she said instead.

  “So? That’s not for sure, and even if he does, who knows when it will be.” Vienna stopped pacing and settled back on her rock. “I understand that you’re scared, Taylor. All of us go through that.”

  She doubted it, but kept silent.

  “Okay.” Vienna stood again. “Forget the future, since who knows what that will bring. What about the right now? Can’t you have fun with him now, for as long as he’s home?”

  “Define fun.”

  “Go out with him. Take him to the next work picnic, a movie, the symphony. I don’t know. Sleep with him. Take showers with him. Okay, have to stop there. He’s still my brother.”

  Taylor smiled in spite of herself.

  “I guess he must not think I’m repulsive if he spent the night once…”

  “Of course he doesn’t, dork. He likes you, Taylor. He chooses to spend more time at your house than at home, and I don’t want to hear anything about you paying him to work.”

  “It’s true.”

  “He doesn’t need the money, honey. Trust me. He talked about paying cash for a new car when he first got back and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t going to break him.”

  Taylor’s mind was spinning. Vienna had a point about just trying to enjoy being with Alex while she could. It didn’t mean he had to be the man she married. Maybe he wouldn’t flat-out reject her for just spending time together. Low stakes. “The thing is…I don’t know if I can initiate anything.”

  “You don’t have to ask him out on a real date. Have a movie sitting on your kitchen counter. Ask him to watch it with you. Go out for burgers on the fly. You’re coming to my graduation party this weekend, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “Hang with Alex. Hang all over him if you want to.” A wicked laughed escaped her.

  That sounded doable. The hanging out with him part. Plus it would solve the problem of not knowing another soul at the party. “I might.”

  “Suit yourself,” Vienna said, scooping a spoonful of melted ice cream into her mouth. “But stop being so absolute. Doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

  Relationships are gray, Alex had said. He frequently accused her of seeing everything as black and white and she acknowledged that’s the way she was.

  But maybe she could make an exception in this case. Learn to embrace the gray side in order to be with Alex. For now.

  “I know you’ve got plenty on your plate to get ready for your party but I’ll try hanging around Alex. If you help me find something to wear.”

  “In a heartbeat,” Vienna said. “Let’s go. You’re going to knock that army guy dead.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
/>   THE CONVENIENT THING about keeping an electronic list on her phone was that Taylor could delete the whole document with a single click as soon as she completed it—or decided it was a waste of virtual space.

  Like now. Or almost now.

  Decked out in a floral cream-and-peach sheath and five-inch platform heels with little bows on the front, she flipped through the various “notes” on her phone as she walked down the hardwood hallway. As she hit her home office, she found what she was looking for: Top Ten Characteristics.

  She didn’t bother to read them. She did, however, email the list to herself. Maybe she was going overboard, but this moment felt important somehow. It required a certain amount of…drama.

  Flipping her computer on, she opened her email account, located the list that she’d just sent and hit Print. The multifunction laser printer on the side table clicked to life and spat out a copy.

  Back on her phone, she clicked on the trash can icon and said, “Bye-bye,” as the digital list disappeared.

  Lorien jumped on the office chair and peered up at her as though she’d lost her mind.

  “I’m just getting started, kitty.”

  Both cats seemed to sense impending change, for good reason. The house had been on the market for three days. Several parties had been through it and one was drawing up an offer.

  Things were suddenly moving superfast, and Taylor was determined to make some personal changes, too.

  She grabbed the paper off the printer and set the phone aside. Her heels echoed down the hall to the kitchen and Elanor darted out of her way. Once in the kitchen, she opened the catch-all drawer next to the stove and hunted through it like a mad woman.

  Aha. Matches.

  Tonight called for fire.

  She walked over to the kitchen sink. With the paper on the counter right next to her, she struck a match on the side of the matchbox. A flame shot upward and, hand shaking, she picked up the paper and held the match to one corner.

  The paper caught immediately, curling into nothingness as the fire devoured it. She stared at the glow with fascination and a healthy measure of fear, thinking it was lucky she didn’t have sleeves that could catch fire.