Because of the List

by Amy Knupp

  “Alex? Did he do it?”

  Taylor cried harder, if that was possible.

  “Was Alex here all day? That’s why I came over. He won’t answer his cell.”

  Taylor tried to convey an affirmative answer, pulling away and covering her face with both hands.

  “Come here,” Vienna said, guiding her to the living room. She eased Taylor onto the couch and sat next to her, hugged her and let Taylor get it all out.

  Minutes later—Ten? Thirty?—Taylor’s embarrassing outpouring had slowed to a periodic hiccup.

  “I’m sorry,” Taylor said, wiping her eyes on her shirt.

  “I’m guessing this isn’t about the eggs.”

  Taylor tried to laugh but it sounded like a dying animal. “Not about the eggs.”

  Several seconds passed and Taylor closed her eyes, breathed as deeply as she could. Then she explained about the past two days, starting with the graduation party and ending with her declaration of love out at the lake.

  “You said that to him?” Vienna asked when she was done. “About using the accident as an excuse?”

  Taylor nodded, a rock settling in her gut. “I left him there. Maybe you should go see if he’s still stranded.”

  Vienna waved off the idea. “He’s a big boy. He can call a taxi for all I care. I’m proud of you for saying all that. It needed to be said.”

  “I’m not sure. I knew the rules going into this. Love wasn’t ever supposed to be part of the deal.”

  “Seems like that’s when it usually happens.”

  “How stupid am I to try to tell him he loves me?” She squeezed her eyes shut, all the conviction she’d felt earlier having seeped out of her, leaving her mired in doubt.

  “Honestly, Tay? He’s the stupid one.” Vienna pulled her legs up under her. “He cares about you big-time. I’d have to be an idiot not to see that from where I stand. He’s letting the best thing that could ever happen to him slip away because he’s too scared to move on with his life. It makes me sad.”

  “Maybe he doesn’t really care that much. It’s not like I have all this experience with men to be a good judge of it. Maybe it was just a physical thing for him.”

  Vienna shook her head adamantly. “If he’d just wanted sex, he’d pick up some chick he’d never see again. My brother is stupid on many levels, but I refuse to believe he’s dumb enough to go there with you.”

  “Well…I guess it doesn’t matter in the end. He made his decision and it wasn’t me.”

  “I’m sorry, Taylor. I never would have encouraged you if I’d known this would happen.”

  “I had to try,” Taylor said quietly.

  “At the risk of sounding condescending, I’m proud of you, girlfriend. Three months ago, you never would have had the nerve for any of this. Now you’re telling army guys what’s what and who’s who.”

  Taylor forced a half smile. “Yay me.” She didn’t even try to sound convincing.

  Vienna hopped up off the couch. “Come on,” she said. “You need to cut loose for a little while.”

  “Oh, no. I have to work in the morning. No hangovers for me.”

  “Not alcohol. Just a drive with the windows down, the music up, and chocolate to get you through.”

  The last thing Taylor wanted to do was go anywhere. But the thought of how quiet this house would be the second Vienna left propelled her off the couch. “I look like hell.”

  “Where we’re going, that doesn’t matter.” She linked her arm with Taylor’s. “Hair doesn’t matter, calories don’t count, and you might as well prepare to lose a little piece of your hearing, too. Time for a dose of break-up therapy, Vienna-style.”

  Taylor had no hope it would help, but it sure beat lying in her lonely bed and listening to the silent house.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  ALEX WALKED OUT OF his doctor’s office on the east side of Madison wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Dr. Hennings had finally, after all these months of hellacious therapy and rehab, given him the all clear on his leg. He’d managed as close to a full recovery as he was going to get and, more important, was given the okay to fly. All that remained was getting the army’s flight surgeons to agree.

  The joy Alex had expected to feel was seriously MIA.

  As he headed down the wide main walkway from the clinic, he glanced around for Vienna’s car. His appointment had taken longer than he’d expected so she should be waiting to give him a ride home.

  “You requested a driver?” Marshall shot the smart-aleck remark from the bench along the sidewalk.

  Hell. Last person he was in the mood for.

  “I can call a cab.” Alex walked a few steps farther then pulled out his phone.

  Marshall fell in beside him. “Vienna was delayed at the mall so she asked me to cover for her. I’m here. Happy to give you a lift.”

  The attitude was gone and Alex was low on cash so he looked for the Acura. “You been drinking?”

  “I’m sober. I’d breathe on you to prove it but I don’t care to have you kick my ass again.”

  Alex studied him. Marshall’s eyes were clear and focused, albeit rimmed by faint yellow bruising, courtesy of Alex’s fist, and his stance was steady. Alex shrugged and headed for the car.

  Once they were both in the front seat, they sat there in silence. The keys were in the ignition, but Marshall didn’t start the engine.

  “Well?” Alex said.

  “I gave up drinking. Cleaned out the house. Haven’t had a drop for almost two weeks.”

  “What happened to make you stop?”

  Marshall scoffed. “Asshole brother of mine broke my nose, for one thing. Hurt like hell. I spent the next three days medicating with Jack. Woke up the fourth day and it hit me.”

  “What did?”

  “Everything. Things you said, Mom pleading with me. After seventy-two hours of nothing but drunk, I still ached from fighting you. The liquor hadn’t done a thing.”

  “It’s unreliable that way.” Alex watched a woman and three little kids walk down the sidewalk. “So you just decided? Just like that?”

  “Went cold turkey. I’ve been looking for a job.”

  That made Alex turn his head. “Yeah?”

  “Got a couple of good leads. We’ll see what happens.”

  Alex noticed his brother had gotten a haircut. Shaved. Maybe he was serious about straightening up.

  “Anyway,” Marshall said, “Just wanted to say thanks.”

  “Thanks for breaking your nose?”

  “No, I’m still pissed about that.” Marshall fiddled with the keys dangling from the ignition. “For having your act together, I guess.”

  Alex laughed. “Dude, I’m not the Worth sibling with anything resembling an act together.”

  “That’s bull.”

  He scowled. “What house have you lived in for the past thirty-whatever years?”

  “I’ll give you, you were a screwup in school. When you went into the military, though, you figured it out. Made up for lost time.”

  Alex reclined his seat enough so he could put a foot up on the dash, earning a frown of disapproval from his brother. “Not so sure about that. I was given a purpose. I learned to fly helicopters. That’s different from you and Vee.”

  Marshall’s stare burned into the side of his face but he refused to make eye contact. The whole subject made him uncomfortable as hell. What man liked to talk about his weaknesses?

  “You really still think like that, don’t you?” Marshall asked.

  “Like what?”

  “Like you’re not good enough. You’ve always compared yourself to us. So we knew what we wanted to do before we finished high school. So we went to college. So what?”

  Alex shook his head.

  “For what it’s worth, I respect the hell out of what you do.” Marshall’s voice was quiet. Sincere.

  It surprised Alex into looking at him.

  “What?” Marshall said.

  Again, Alex shook his head
.

  “You want to compare? Okay, we’ll compare, and then I’m shutting the hell up because I don’t want your head getting any bigger. I write magazine articles about lakes and bird species. You?” He chuckled. “You shoot down bad guys.”

  “Until a bad guy shoots me down.” He forced his mind not to go there. Not right now.

  “You’re a damn hero. With medals.”

  Some hero. What kind of a “hero” treated his best friend’s sister the way he’d treated Taylor? He wasn’t any damn hero.

  “Look at you,” Marshall continued, and Alex began to think maybe it was better when they weren’t on speaking terms. The guy didn’t shut up when he got a dumb idea. “Look what you’ve been through. I lost a stinking job. A company. And I nearly let it do me in. You lost a best friend. Maybe a career. And you’ve been fighting your way back the whole time.”

  “My therapist discharged me yesterday. Doctor just agreed with her. All that’s left is convincing the army docs.”

  “What’s that mean exactly?”

  “Means I’m recovered. As good as I’m going to get. They both think I won’t have any trouble flying.”

  “And you’re just now mentioning this?”

  “You started in with all this sappy rah-rah shit,” Alex said. “Couldn’t get a word in edgewise.” He looked at his watch, an idea taking shape. “Do me a favor. Drive me over to the airport instead of home.”

  “What for?”

  “Because I can fly. I’ve got a connection there, retired army officer who gives flying lessons. Long time ago he told me anytime I wanted to take one of his birds out, to let him know.”

  “You ready for that?”

  The first buzz of excitement zipped through Alex and his palms started sweating at the thought of being in a cockpit again. Like the rotors of a Blackhawk when they first started up, his heart gradually accelerated till it was racing in anticipation. “Ready like you wouldn’t believe. You ever been in a bird?”

  “No.”

  “Want to go up on your first helicopter ride?”

  Marshall stared out the windshield, considering it. “I’m more of a desk-job kind of guy but…maybe I could write an article about the experience or something. Let’s go. I’ll give it a try.”

  An article. Alex grinned and shook his head. He and his brother were back to being different as day and night. But for the first time, he realized maybe that was all right.

  OUT WITH THE OLD, TAYLOR thought as she surveyed the endless boxes in the living room of the bungalow. The proverb had reverberated through her mind all day.

  This move was probably long overdue and it really had come to symbolize breaking ties to her past. Quinn. Her mom. Even her dad to an extent, though her memories of him in that house were limited.

  Alex.

  His name echoed in her head without her permission, but he was part of the past, as well. A fleeting part.

  The old house held ghosts and she’d clung to them for long enough. The sight of Quinn’s empty bedroom every day did nothing to lessen the loneliness that had become even worse these past three weeks since she’d blurted her feelings to Alex and scared him away. It had taken her a while to realize that selling it wouldn’t make the good memories disappear. She could take those with her wherever she went.

  Someone knocked on the front door behind her and she wondered if the moving crew had forgotten something. They had her money—and their help had been worth every penny. All she’d done was watch and direct.

  Before she could get to the door she’d just shut, Vienna opened it and poked her head in.

  “Is it safe to enter?” Vienna wore a black business suit, conservative heels and more makeup than usual. She carried a bag on her shoulder, likely some comfortable clothes to change into.

  “It’s as safe as it’s going to get,” Taylor said. “The big burly moving men just left.”

  “Pity. Any list guys?”

  “The list is dead. You know that. Though the lead mover was kind of cute. Nice guy.”

  “Oh? And?” Vienna kicked off her heels and pushed them to the wall.

  “And nothing. I’ve been rejected enough for the next decade. Instead of a husband I have the cutest house on the block.”

  “And boxes.” Vienna made a face as she looked around. “I can’t wait to get out of these clothes. Is the bathroom accessible?”

  “It’s the one box-free room in the house.” Only because the front bathroom was too small to hold any. “How was the interview?”

  Vienna left the door to the bathroom open as she changed clothes and hollered her reply. “It was fine, I guess. But I don’t have great feelings about it.”

  Taylor spotted a box in the living room marked Office so she picked it up and carried it to the front bedroom. “Why not?” she asked as she passed the doorway to the bathroom.

  Vienna joined her in the office-to-be, still tying the drawstring on her shorts. She wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “Just…felt like the whole thing was canned. If I had to guess, they have the person they want and they’re just going through interviews to fill a quota.”

  “I hate it when they do that. It’s unfair and misleading.” Taylor sat on her desk chair and swiveled to look at all the boxes in this room. She’d be unpacking for a week just to get her office in order. Already she was feeling twitchy without her trusty computer hooked up, but first she’d have to locate it.

  “I wasn’t in love with that job anyway,” Vienna said. “Though I am starting to stress out just a bit. It’s September, Taylor. School has started up again. I’m not there and…I’m not working. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “It’s early yet. We could start up our rounds of the professional groups again, only this time forget the checklist part of it.”

  “Maybe.” Vienna wandered around, reading the labels of the boxes. “Have you talked to Alex at all?”

  Just hearing his name out loud shot a searing pain through Taylor. She was tired, so very tired of hurting. “What do you think?”

  Vienna faced her. Took a deep breath. “He’s flying out Monday to see if the medical board will approve him to go back to active duty.”

  Taylor propelled herself off the chair and over to the top box on the closest stack. She worked her fingernail under the tape until she could rip it open, unaware and uncaring which box she’d chosen.

  So many different emotions reeled through her and held on to the entire stack of boxes and closed her eyes for a moment, her back to Vienna. The news meant he’d gotten through his therapy as he’d hoped. She knew how important that was to him, and she was both proud of him and happy for him. But twisted up with those positive emotions were dark ones.

  “I didn’t think you knew,” her friend said. “Thought I’d tell you in case…”

  The box was open now and Taylor pulled out items that belonged on the top of her desk. Pencil holder. Mouse pad. Pop-up sticky-note holder. None of which she saw as she set them on the desk. “In case what?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe you want to see him one more time before he goes?”

  The thought of facing him made her stomach knot up.

  “Vienna.” She continued to set items on the desk without bothering to consider where they belonged. “I did everything I can. I told him everything. I made a fool of myself insisting that he felt the same way.” She couldn’t handle it. “I don’t want to see him again.”

  Vienna came over and started to help her. “I’m sorry, Taylor. I understand completely. I just thought you should know.”

  “What if he gets killed over there?” The fear popped out before Taylor could stop it.

  Vienna let out a long, noisy breath and sat on the top of the desk. “I know. I hate it. But Alex is good at what he does. He has to be or everyone on that helicopter would have been dead.”

  Taylor nodded, trying to take solace in what she knew was the truth. Alex would be okay.

  The bigger question was…would she? />
  “It’s going to get easier.”

  “When?” Taylor asked.

  “Umm, not today, I guess.” Vienna hugged her. “You’re moving forward, though. New house. New life. You’re going to be okay.”

  “I’m holding you to that,” Taylor mumbled.

  As soon as she got her computer connected, she was going online to find a plaque for her wall.

  Out with the old, in with the new.

  She just hoped the new was better than the old.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  USING THE ACCIDENT as an excuse not to live.

  Like hell.

  Alex stalked off the wide dock where he’d tied the boat, the late-afternoon sun casting a long shadow on the pavement in front of him.

  He was doing everything he could to get back to his life. Tomorrow, he flew out to be evaluated by the army’s medical board, and if they approved him, things would move fast. He felt good about his chances. His doctor here had been amazed at his progress, said he never would have guessed Alex could get so much muscle control back.

  So the future was looking promising, like he’d soon be exactly where he’d wanted to be—flying overseas in the middle of the action again.

  He told himself his lack of enthusiasm was just nerves. Completely normal after what had happened the last time he’d been in a Blackhawk. All the counseling in the world wouldn’t be able to prevent a few jitters.

  Still, Taylor’s accusations continued to bother him, no matter how much he attempted to block them out and just go on with his life the way he’d planned.

  After parking the boat trailer and the pickup truck he’d borrowed from Mr. Mooney, their neighbor, Alex jogged back down to the dock and hopped into Quinn’s boat. His boat. He ignored any trepidation about taking out Quinn’s boat without him. He could face up to this just fine.

  He’d brought his tackle box along with a rod and reel, just in case he felt inclined to put a line in, but mostly this was about proving he could go out in the boat. Marshall, who liked fishing about as much as he liked getting a root canal, had offered to come along. Alex had refused. This was something he had to do alone.