Confessions of a Curious Bookseller
Page 6
If I happened to believe in God anymore or saw any personal benefit to religion, I’d like to think I’d convert to Eastern Orthodoxy. There is something so perfectly honest about it that appeals to my sensibilities.
Tomorrow we will begin brainstorming about holiday decorations. I’ve never bothered to decorate in the past, but this year we truly need all the help we can get. Perhaps this will distract me from my worries and get me into the holiday spirit!
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 5:10 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Decorations?
Dear Staff,
Normally we don’t decorate for the holidays, but due to the fact that there has been no snowfall whatsoever, I am concerned that none of my customers are in the holiday spirit. Therefore, let me know what you think about decorating the store this year to evoke some holiday cheer and hopefully make wallets more slippery than usual.
I was thinking garlands on the staircases and a Christmas tree in the front foyer by the discount books. We can add a menorah in one of the smaller rooms to be inclusive. Thoughts?
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 7:27 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
What about a snow machine like they have at ski resorts? We can spray snow on the roof and in front of the store.
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 7:30 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Angela,
I like your suggestion, but how would we get it over the roof?
Fawn, Owner
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 7:32 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Hey Fawn,
For inclusivity, I can try to pick up a Kwanzaa kinara.
Kyle
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 7:45 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Kyle,
All right, if you can find one. Should we put it in the same room as the menorah or another room? The only other room that is big enough to hold a table with candles is the romance and erotica section, and I don’t think it would be an appropriate location.
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 8:03 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Fawn,
Speaking of inclusivity, what if we did something a little different and put the menorah in the front and the Xmas tree elsewhere in the store? That way you don’t have to spend as much money on a giant tree.
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 8:12 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Sam,
We have to put the Christmas tree in the front because it’s the biggest holiday fixture. Blame the pagans, not me.
And a small tree wouldn’t work. I think it should be as big as possible because, quite honestly, a big Christmas tree will make people shop more than a giant menorah would.
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 8:20 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
My dad is in construction and might be able to get us a crane that would lift the snow machine over the roof. Also, we have a small machine in our basement that spits fake snow for front window displays. My mom bought it from the Philly Lord + Taylor when they were going out of business.
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 8:34 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Angela,
Even if you have access to a snow machine, renting a crane would be extremely costly unless you think you can get a good deal on a crane as well.
This all seems very dangerous.
Fawn, Owner
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 9:13 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Hey Fawn,
We should not leave out the Muslim people. I looked up what they are celebrating at this time, and I found this thing called Ashura. Can we include it somehow?
Kyle
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 9:35 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Kyle,
I know very little about Ashura, and I understand that it’s important to be inclusive of Muslims, but as far as I could tell they do not have candles or a tree of any kind to showcase it. From what I could find on it, it is a time of mourning and I don’t believe that’s what we are looking to evoke here. Additionally, I think it already took place in September.
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 9:43 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Fawn,
I think all this inclusivity is overly complicating things. What if we get rid of all the religious stuff and just make it secular? So, Frosty the Snowman, wreaths, garlands, etc. All this religious stuff might turn people off anyway.
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 9:50 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Sam,
I don’t think it will bother anyone as long as we are inclusive and go about this in the right way. Simply omitting a tree, a menorah, and a Kwanzaa display is not what I had in mind. Garland and wreaths alone would be nice but would come across as entirely Christian by default. Frosty the Snowman is a Christian-inspired fabrication, as is any intimation involving candy canes and trumpets, so window stickers of that sort would be exclusive to Christians.
Fawn, Owner
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 9:55 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Hey Fawn,
What about something for the atheists?
Kyle
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 10:05 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Kyle,
The atheists that I know (that do celebrate the idea of Christmas) have a tree in their homes and only celebrate the gift-giving aspect of it, cutting out the idea of Christ altogether. Sounds like a cop-out to me. So I don’t believe they have any kind of candle fixture to celebrate their disbelief structure. I think simply by having a tree in the front, they will see it as a present-giving mechanism and will feel included.
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 10:36 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Fawn,
So then, I have to to ask. Where do your beliefs lie? I’m Jewish, so it’s nice to have a menorah, but I really don’t care ether way. That said, we should definitely probably make sure to include the owners sensibilities in all this after all . . .
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 10:55 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Sam,
What I believe is not important. The idea of inclusion of all people is all that I care about.
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 11:01 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Oh, come on!!!!11 Sam’s Jewish, and I’m a Baptist. Kyle???
—A
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 11:02 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, St
aff
Re: Decorations?
Kyle is trying to sleep. Phone is going off.
Kyle
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 11:05 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Kyle, Angela, Sam,
Fine. I dabbled in paganism in college and studied witchcraft shortly thereafter. If I were to say what I am now, I am an agnostic who believes that if there is a God, he is definitely a man because of how badly women are put together.
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 11:13 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Fawn,
I still think the snow machine idea is the best idea. Also, I just did a double take on that last email about women being put together badly. WTF? LOL. But seriously . . . ?
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 11:30 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Angela,
That might work. How much is it to rent per day from your father? I doubt the Grumpy Mug will have this in their arsenal!
Fawn, Owner
P.S. I’m sorry. I meant nothing by it. I was mostly referring to the ridiculousness of monthly bleeding. I’m not sure how well that worked out for us in our caveman days as we traipsed across the African savanna smelling like blood to any lions or leopards nearby. We must have been as enticing as a street-taco truck to a college kid. On the other hand, perhaps the fact that women survived that is indeed a testament to how strong we are!
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 11:39 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
Hi Fawn,
Okay, I think I got this figured out. Let’s just put everything together to to make this super PC. No single religion is thrown into some back room. Also, let’s include your Wiccan background! Why not?/ I’m sure there are cool things to display in that regard.
Also holiday music! – Hanukkah and Christma for sure. We need that.
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 11:45 PM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Sam,
I think putting the Kwanzaa candles and menorah next to the tree is a fire hazard. There is a safety issue here that goes beyond the idea of being fair to all belief structures. Therefore, I will stick with the idea of putting them all in separate rooms.
I also think that including any Wiccan paraphernalia in the scene might confuse and anger people, so I will opt to leave that out. Also, are you drinking while writing to your boss?
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 at 11:54 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Decorations?
No one would know any different. You said yourself that Christmas comes from the pagans or whatever.
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 12:10 AM
To: Staff
Re: Decorations?
Kyle, Sam, Angela,
A final decision has been made. Thank you all for your after-hours assistance with this! We will have a tree in the front foyer, a menorah in the romance section, and a Kwanzaa display in the future Mark Twain Room. We will hang a cinnamon besom near the door and put pine-scented rings in the lighting fixtures. We will wrap garland around the staircase banisters, and Angela’s father will stop by and blow some snow onto the front walkway. Kyle, I will need you to shovel because of my back.
Sam suggested a mixture of Hanukkah and Christmas music, so he will put together a playlist. Please, no Adam Sandler.
Additionally, I have purchased some mini reindeer antlers for Butterscotch. If you see him trying to remove them, let me know. He always has such an incomprehensible problem with them.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 12:30 AM
To: Florence Eakins
Subject: Christmas!
Dear Florence,
It was so nice to hear back from you, and sorry it’s taken me this long to reply. I’m glad to hear that Joseph is doing well. Forgive me; I thought he was still in the perfume section. I see his move as a definitive step up for his masculinity, and I’m sure he agrees. Spraying eau de toilette on old ladies’ baggy necks can’t be very rewarding or confidence boosting.
This is by far the busiest holiday season we’ve had. I should have asked to have the Mark Twain collection shipped after Christmas, but something told me they would go faster if they were put into inventory before the holidays. Call it retail common sense. So I’ve worked myself into a pretty corner where not only are we receiving the shipment tomorrow morning, but we have to have the entire store fully decorated Saturday night. I can’t believe there is only a week left before Christmas!
Speaking of, what would you like? Anything from the bookstore (except for the rare books) can be yours—just name a title! For me, I don’t want much. As an aside, do you think Joseph can get good deals on microwaves? The “2” and the “Minute Plus” button are defunct on my current microwave, so instead of putting the timer on for 12:00 minutes, I have to put it on for 11:59. I also use “Defrost” quite a bit, and lately that button has been finicky.
I must be getting old because I have started to freeze my baked goods and leftover dinners just like Mother does. Call me crazy, but it sounds like something that only a Depression-era survivor would do. Or perhaps it is lengthening her life span and her memory—preserving her baked goods, thereby preserving her life and her imprint on the world. If this is true, she probably can’t bear to see her own food go moldy. It must feel like someone walking over her grave.
Wish me luck tomorrow. I will be very busy in the next two months, so don’t get your hopes up for me visiting you or the parents. I will stay young by staying busy—even if it kills me!
Fawn
From: Florence Eakins
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 10:23 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Christmas!
Hi Fawn,
Please don’t do too much for us this year for Christmas. To be honest, I’d do away with our gift exchange altogether, but I know how much it means to you to have something to open. If that hasn’t changed, let’s keep things modest? I’ll see what we can do about a microwave, but no promises. Joseph’s employee discount isn’t as great as you’d think, and of course the boys want literally everything they lay their eyes on, haha, so Christmas is always an expensive endeavor.
Is Mom sending you coupons in the mail? She keeps bringing paper-clipped stacks over to us every time she visits, along with cutout comic strips, and I almost went berserk on her yesterday. We literally don’t have the time to sift through those coupons or read the comics that she insists we adhere to the fridge. I can’t sometimes with her. I’m this close to telling her to stop.
Flo
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 11:39 AM
To: Jacob Whitney
Subject: Important Issue, Pick Up Phone
Dear Mr. Whitney,
Thank you for delivering the books this morning as promised; however, there is one thing blatantly wrong that I fear you were, might I say, keeping from me throughout our correspondence.
I’ll put it rather bluntly, Mr. Whitney. I believe I have been fooled, and I believe you think me a total idiot to accept these books. If I had been there receiving the shipment myself, I would have noticed the issue immediately and refused them. Unfortunately, my slow-witted employee accepted the books and not only that but has loaded the shelves of the Mark Twain Room with 850 copies of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.
What, Mr. Whitney, am I to do with 850 copies of the same book? Do you honestly believe that 850
people will walk into my store all wanting Tom Sawyer? Additionally, they all seem to be from the 1960s at the earliest, and many bear childish renderings of male genitalia in the margins.
You may have seen the advert I recently published in the Philly Weekly announcing that I will have close to a thousand various Mark Twain books. I have already received emails from people all over Pennsylvania regarding this, excited to see the diversity of the rare and varying books I will have for sale. So not only have I been cheated, I have subsequently cheated my customer base, and that I cannot abide. What am I to tell them?
I demand that you refund me the money and come by to take back the books, for I do not have any use for them in my store. This has been an enormous disappointment, and I am just sick to my stomach over it. My eye alone has broken its twitch record. I can barely see out of it! And this all culminating with the advent of the Grumpy Mug down the street and their delightful CONSTANT Christmas music pumping from their store eight hours a day, welcoming in passersby with promises of hot chocolate and a bright, warm, comfy place to sit while they read whatever books they sell (probably a measly variety, I’m sure). I thought for certain my business would be turning a new corner this year, but clearly I was wrong. How on earth am I to offer anything different now? Without a specialization, how am I to compete?
You may collect the books Monday through Thursday anytime before noon. Just let me know ahead of time so that Kyle has time to pack the books back up. I would deliver them myself, but the only address I have for you is a post office box, and I doubt the post office will let me leave 850 books on the floor by your box.
I appreciate your prompt response.
Best,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
Dear Fawn,
I know this couldn’t have been my daughter’s meat loaf because hers isn’t as good. Did you leave this or did someone else? Thank you if it was you. It makes me think of my daughter.
—Jane, your tenant
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 8:32 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Strategy