Confessions of a Curious Bookseller
Page 9
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From: Mark Nilsen
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 4:09 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Gossip about my store
Hi Fawn,
So, I saw that review where “Sybil C.” complained about my store, and I’m a little shocked. We keep our bathrooms exceptionally clean. Also, to attack my five cats is a pretty low blow. I’m not sure why you’re doing this. Can we talk?
And also, I know it’s you. Sybil C. is supposed to stand for Sybil Crawley from Downton Abbey, right?
Mark
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 5:01 PM
To: Mark Nilsen
Re: Gossip about my store
Dear Mark,
Though I haven’t been inside your store, many of my customers have. Unfortunately, I cannot control their opinions regarding your establishment. If some find the bathroom to resemble a filthy porta potty, then there is nothing I can do. Or if they feel as if your (is it really five?) cats all act as if they fell into a can of paint and had to drink their way out, there is also absolutely nothing I can do. Surely you saw that I attempted to defend your store, and what I was writing was not slanderous, as Sybil wrote it first. Your claim that I am Sybil is both insulting and sickening. You may not know me very well yet, Mark, but understand that as you get to know me, you’ll find that I am nothing but honest, upstanding, and fair. Regarding what else I’ve been writing on phillysmallbiz.com, it is not slanderous in any way. Perhaps if anything I am being too kind, as I have never set foot in your store and have nothing on which to base my kindness.
This effort to explain myself has gone on far too long. I am too busy to put out petty fires and must go back to my helm and run my ship like the admiral that I am. I do hope that we can put this misunderstanding behind us and become friends. Stop by the store sometime!
Sincerely,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a The Adventures of Tom Sawyer specialist store)
P.S. I hear that you sell alcohol after five and your store becomes a sort of book bar. It is an interesting combination, mixing alcohol and reading. Whenever I try this at home, I end up falling asleep and waking in the middle of the night confused and dehydrated. Do you often have to scrape dozing people off couches and chairs? Sounds like more trouble than it’s worth!
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 6:34 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Staff Cuts
Dear Staff,
I am going to cut one of you the week of Christmas (twenty-sixth to the twenty-eighth). It isn’t worth me paying all three of you to sit around sucking on candy canes and dusting the banisters. You can draw straws and let me know who wins!
Also, the holiday party will be held January 2 from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. at the store. There will be Domino’s pizza, mulled wine, and soda. Feel free to bring something like beer or a tray of sandwiches or cookies. I will try to make some cookies if I find the time. Please RSVP, and feel free to bring any significant others!
Best,
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 6:38 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Staff Cuts
Wait, so is somebody being fired?
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 6:56 PM
To: Staff
Re: Staff Cuts
Dear Staff,
No, I am not firing anyone! This is temporary—only for the twenty-sixth through the twenty-eighth. I assure you, no one is being let go! Apologies for the vagueness.
Besides, why would I announce that I am firing someone and then immediately invite them to the holiday party? They would definitely not be invited!
Best,
Fawn, Owner
phillysmallbiz.com
Fri, Dec 21, 2018
Top Review—The Grumpy Mug Bookstop
Where do I begin? I must confess that the owner of the Curious Cat Book Emporium contacted me and informed me that she received a scathing, threatening letter from Mark, the owner of the Grumpy Mug Bookstop, about my review of his store on phillysmallbiz.com. Have we honestly all lost our collective minds? Has the time come when a customer can no longer write an honest review about a store without starting a war? Or throwing the threatened owner (Mark) into a fit of such jealousy that instead of focusing on his store, he must write a letter to a competitor because he was unhappy with how I felt? Why do you feel the need to blame Fawn for this, Mark? It is a true indication of your character that you find it so difficult to take criticism—truer still when you accuse Fawn of this. The woman does not have the resources you have and therefore doesn’t have time to field your insecure little emails.
Get a life, Mark Nilsen! And focus on your store, please. It could use the attention.
—Sybil C.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 10:23 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Please help
Sam and Kyle,
I have fashioned a lovely green poster from CVS with cutout bold neon-pink lettering that says GREAT DEALS THIS WAY! First thing tomorrow, I need you to come in and trade off sign duty every hour. I thought things would pick up as we approached Christmas, but I seem to be dreadfully wrong. If a neon sign doesn’t do it, then our customers are either blind or completely lost to us. I am holding out hope that they are merely awestruck by the opening of Mark’s cheap store and will come to their senses. Perhaps this sign will help sway them and let them know that we are not fooling around.
Many thanks!
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Dec 22, 2018 at 5:19 PM
To: Florence Eakins
Subject: Thank you!
Dear Florence,
I received the Christmas package! Thank you in advance—I will not open it until Christmas!! I, too, have sent you a box, so please let me know when you get it. Don’t have the kids lift it—it is very heavy.
Sales are really out of control this season. My extensive Mark Twain collection is to thank for that!
Has Mother told you about the man I’m seeing? He is Irish American and quite beautiful, though I’m not sure how long the relationship will last. I tend to favor men with a little more sophistication and worldly wisdom. He is not much of a reader, but his South Philadelphia accent is dreamy. Also, he turns heads on a dime. We shall see!
Has Joseph been able to find a deal on a new microwave? My “Start” button has become questionable, so I must walk over to my tenant’s across the hall and use hers. It is helpful, however, that she is ninety-six and thinks that I’m her daughter visiting from Hawaii. It’s a win-win for all! Funny she doesn’t question why her daughter from Hawaii only stops in for two minutes, heats up wet cat food, and then disappears.
Aloha!
Best,
Fawn
From: O’Hare Repair
Sent: Sat, Dec 22, 2018 at 6:07 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Business Arrangement
Hi Fawn,
I’m sorry, but I can’t reconsider going on a date. If you ever need plumbing, though, please keep me in mind.
Cahill
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Dec 22, 2018 at 7:08 PM
To: O’Hare Repair
Re: Business Arrangement
Dear
Mr. O’Hare,
I understand. Thank you for your professionalism. I enjoyed our short-lived chats very much. If you happen to change your mind, you know where to find me: wrapped up in a blanket with tea, a book, and Butterscotch (the cat, not the food).
Happy holidays!
Fawn
From: Fawn Windsor
Sent: Sat, Dec 22, 2018 at 10:09 PM
To: Gregory Harris
Subject: Happy Christmas!
Dear Gregory,
The Christmas season is fast approaching, so I wanted to send you a brief hullo for the holidays before I go on radio silence until January. Funny that I will be wishing you happy Christmas for the thirty-ninth time since your message attached to that balloon landed on my uncle’s farm in Pennsylvania and we became pen pals. So advantageous that I happened to be visiting from the UK and equally so that I was able to pry the balloon strand quickly from that goat’s mouth before it choked and perished! I still have the little note to this day, though I’ve memorized it:
Dear Whoever:
Will you be my pen pal? I have no siblings—just a dog—and I’m homeschooled.
Write back if you want a friend.
—Greg
You may be my oldest consistent friend! I may have thought it strange at first that a sixteen-year-old boy was looking for a pen pal, but after spending some years in the Pennsylvania countryside, I was able to understand how deeply lonely it can be out there. However odd it may have been at first, I am so glad that we maintained this relationship through the years. At first we corresponded through my uncle’s post because—let’s just be honest—I did not trust the Royal Mail to safely fly my letters to your house in Pennsylvania. It just made more sense to write back when I had the chance to visit my uncle. And then, ah! The glorious advent of the email! I daresay our correspondence picked up a bit after that. I detest technology but am thankful for it in this case.
As you know, at our estate it has been a tradition to have the family visit during the holidays (some travel here from as far away as northern Scotland). We ride horses in the snow and try to catch a few pheasants. I’m not sure if I told you this, but there is a rather large marble fireplace in the main sitting room that the maid takes excellent care of. (We usually have about ten maids, but we have significantly cut down for the holidays so that they can go home to their families. We manage, albeit barely!) The fireplace is the cornerstone of our Christmas celebration. There is nothing like sitting by the fire with hot cocoa on Christmas Eve. As you know, we don’t all get along perfectly well, but for Christmas Eve we manage to rein in the ill will—that is, until presents are exchanged and we find out how much we really don’t know about each other. One year my sister, who lives in London with two boys and a rather awkward husband, gave me some awful fuzzy socks that looked like fungus. I have about five pairs accumulated from previous Christmases, and each year a new one gets shoved to the back of my sock drawer. I am thinking of regifting them to the maids. It turns out this year that nearly the entire family “had other things to do,” and they didn’t let me know until the very last minute. After I had arranged a banquet of food and had the maids clean the house top to bottom, my family have the nerve to skip out on my Christmas. I was livid, though also a bit relieved not to have a great showing. Sometimes the feeling of abandonment is rather a relief, as you have no one’s expectations to live up to but your own.
How are your holidays treating you? Have you purchased any new buildings lately? I imagine it slows down a bit in the winter months. Do you only purchase and restore old buildings and homes, or do you work with modern ones as well? I ask because there are many modern but deteriorating buildings in London and in the States that could use a face-lift.
All for now. Do take care. Happy Christmas and New Year!
Much love,
Fawn Windsor
P.S. Do you think a Mercedes-Benz for my little brother is too generous a gift? My sister is appalled!
December 23
Fawn,
I can’t believe it, but I found a coupon for premium cat food! Enjoy. Not you personally, of course.
Mother
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 8:09 AM
To: Angela Washington
Subject: More Snow TODAY?
Angela,
Does your father have any more snow he can spare? It seems to draw people into the store; however, it has blown away and so have our sales figures.
Thank you,
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 8:17 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: More Snow TODAY?
I’m glad this snow directly correlates with your sales figures. I think it’s time we talk compensation. Let’s say every time we blow that snow for you, I get 10 percent of daily sales?
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 8:23 AM
To: Angela Washington
Re: More Snow TODAY?
Angela,
I am not implying the snow is the only reason sales were good that day, nor am I offering you a commission on sales for the snow machine. When I was young, I lived in a world where employees helped out without expecting that they would be rewarded for every little thing that they did.
Never mind about my request. I am no longer interested in your blood snow.
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 8:28 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: More Snow TODAY?
Holy hell on earth, I was only kidding.
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 8:34 AM
To: Angela Washington
Re: More Snow TODAY?
Angela,
I apologize profusely. I never meant to send that email to you. I was just getting my anger out and must have gotten carried away enough to hit “Send.” Forgive me.
The holidays tend to make me a little edgy.
That said, my word still stands: you cannot get a commission on books sold due to your father’s snow machine. I will still utilize the snow machine if you are offering, however.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 3:45 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Thank you!
Dear Staff,
Truly, I am moved. The fuzzy socks will be so warm in my cold Victorian apartment! And the Starbucks gift card—how thoughtful.
Butterscotch says meow and thank you for the treats.
I am so lucky to have such a caring group of people working for me. Every time I put on these socks, I will think of you.
Happy holidays,
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 4:34 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Inventory
Dear Staff,
I am going to start counting our inventory each month to try to determine if our inventory tracker numbers are correct. I have looked for Finnegans Wake, for example, knowing our inventory tracker says that we have four copies, only to find just one copy on the shelf. Kyle, since you are the head of inventory, I will need you to focus on this task each month. You do not have to count the entire store each month; instead tackle each section, rotating until you get through the whole store, and then start over again. If you have any questions, please come find me. If you require assistance, please recruit Sam or Angela.
Thank you for your understanding in this important matter.
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 5:13 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Inventory
Hi Fawn,
Just being honest here, and I mean this respectfully, but we’ve all witnessed you give books away to customers, friends, and family regularly. C
ould that possibly be the issue?
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 5:23 PM
To: Staff
Re: Inventory
Sam,
I appreciate your input, but though in the past I have given books away to foster loyalty and build relationships with my customers, I have always made it my top priority to correctly check the book out of the inventory log. The numbers have been off for years, so either we have little gnomes running around stealing books and using them as kindling, or someone here or possibly our customers are little thieves.
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 5:50 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Inventory
Hi Fawn,
I think if you caught us doing what you do, you’d call it stealing and fire us immediately.
Respectfully,
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 24, 2018 at 6:07 PM
To: Staff
Re: Inventory
Sam,
I do not believe that my actions constitute stealing since it is my own store, and therefore it is acceptable for me to give away a book now and then.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 25, 2018 at 9:05 AM
To: Tabitha Birchill
Subject: Christmas
Dear Mother,
As I sit here in my drafty apartment on Christmas Day, I wish I had instead taken the train out to see you. You must be so lonely without Father, though I think Florence is going to visit with her brood?
Thank you so much for the ribbon candy, the nonpareils, the fuzzy socks, and the Shakespeare mug. You have been so generous this year, as always.
There is something romantic and whimsical about being alone on Christmas. At the moment I am listening to Chopin, drinking peppermint tea, and sitting on the floor near my small tree watching Butterscotch bat the wrapping paper around. I am reminded of one childhood Christmas when Father bought me a children’s easel and drew Santa on the first page. He was always such a great artist. I believed with all my heart that it was Santa who drew himself and wished me a merry Christmas. Or there was the time Father collected deer droppings from the woods, sprinkled them on the kitchen floor, and told us that Rudolph had been inside (though the evidence was swiftly eaten by the dog). And while, if you can remember, Florence began to cry at Rudolph’s blatant disregard for decency, I was instead blown away by the idea and managed to believe in Santa for at least another three years. These things you did for us as parents make me want to keep the Christmas spirit alive, even to this day. On days such as Christmas I wish I had children of my own, though it is a passing fancy. I have neither the patience nor the necessary hip width to bear motherhood.