Don't Close Your Eyes

by Hilary Storm

  He leans me back onto the bed and we both crawl further onto the mattress, never breaking our kiss. His hands become tender and his touch is perfect as it glides over every inch of my skin. We continue with the sensual movements for what seems like an hour. Should I want to kiss a man this long? What happened to this being a one time fuck and then I move on?

  I’ve missed this. I didn't realize just how much I’ve missed this until his arms begin to feel like James's. I let the tears forming in my eyes run down my cheeks, hoping he won't notice. If I close my eyes and think about James, I can do this. I'll just pretend it's him here with me because the thought of walking away from this feeling isn't an option. I need this.

  He gently moves between my legs until he's poised at my entrance. He reaches for a condom that I didn't even know was near and I wait while he protects us both. My invitation is a slight shift of my hips letting him know I'm ready. He slides in slow and with great discipline as the movements between us become natural. This pace continues until I can feel the heat of his release deep inside me again. My orgasm follows right behind his and the tears flow just as hard as my release.

  I let him wrap me up in his arms and hope he doesn't ask me about my tears. I'm not ready to share James with anyone and I should've never used Liam like this.

  My mind tries to process why it was better to be handled like I was this afternoon over how he's holding me now. Maybe it's because I'm not ready to face the fact that he's really gone forever.

  I roll over in hopes of evading the inevitable inquisition that's headed my way. He pulls me in for a spooning embrace and I let him hold me while my tears fall. He doesn't ask me anything, only holds me tighter when my sob escapes. I'm very thankful he just lets me cry.

  Chapter Six

  I wake the next morning to an empty bed, swollen eyes and the smell of sex. Rolling over, I notice my phone on the nightstand. I only have about an hour to be downstairs for the signing, so I begin to rush around. Makeup barely covers the mess I made of my eyes last night, but I do my best to hide the puffiness.

  On my way out the door, I glance at my phone to see if he left me a message. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt a little when there isn’t one.

  The silence in the hall allows me to collect my thoughts about last night. His contradicting behavior has me confused and I hate that I fell apart. What I had with James was very special to me and to be honest, I'm lost without him. We were supposed to have forever together. Instead, I'm here living a life with fictional characters constantly running through my head, trying to move on. It's obvious by my behavior last night that I haven't. How do you say goodbye to your everything?

  James and I met right after college. Our connection was immediate and we fell in love very quickly. I never had to question his love because he always made me feel it. I'll never forget the day Michael rang the doorbell to tell me the news. He didn't even get a word out before I was shaking my head ‘no’ over and over, falling to the floor just as my heart was exploding out of my chest. I really thought I had cried every tear possible for him over the next few days as it all became a blur. If it hadn’t been for Michael being there, I'm not sure how I would’ve made it through the funeral arrangements even though the department handled most of them.

  We’d been trying to start a family and I had just gotten the news from the doctor that the chance of me becoming pregnant was extremely unlikely. I remember thinking that was the worst news I could've ever received. I had no idea of the reality of what a true loss was.

  The weeks following, I remained a shell of a person with zero emotion. Until one night I decided to write in a journal. I really haven't stopped writing since—my writing has just evolved into new characters. The first few stories I wrote will never be published. After all, they contain my happily ever after with the love of my life.

  I never went back to work after James died. To be honest, I've avoided people at all costs, and the few times I've agreed to leave my house, I quickly wished I hadn't. Our friends and his family believe that I've gone crazy. I don't even answer their messages or the door anymore because I’m tired of trying to defend myself. What's the purpose? They might all be correct.

  I found my escape in writing. It's easier to deal with fiction than reality. I decided to self publish a story a few months ago and somehow it became a best seller and everything has been complicated ever since. I begin to focus on setting up my table for the signing. I'm hoping to meet some new fans today and take my mind off of everything else.

  Sitting like a zoo animal, waiting for fans to approach you is odd to say the least. I put on my fake happy face and try to seem more approachable. The fans from last night's dinner walk over just a few minutes after the signing starts. I make sure to spend extra time with them and it isn't long before there's a line in front of my table. These fans have come from all over the nation to meet an author today—setting aside my chaotic emotions is the least I can do.

  The day is long, yet rewarding. Words of encouragement give me hope to do even more with my writing career. When the day is over, I find myself back in the elevator and a small part of me hopes Liam is waiting for me again. I check my phone for the first time all day, but still nothing.

  Turning toward the hallway to my room I notice he isn't there. Quickly entering the room, I move straight for my computer and begin to write. This asshole character likes to love em' and leave em'; leaving sluts all over the nation as he walks out on them after giving them the best fuck of their lives. I pause in thought and try to tell my mind not to kill off the character because there are good qualities somewhere deep within him.

  I had hoped he'd be on the same flight the next day but he wasn’t, making the trip long and uneventful. Somehow I manage to have an empty seat next to me, which is very nice. I just want to be left alone right now and I don't need anyone else fucking with my life.

  The week goes by quickly and quietly. Tonight will be my weekly visit from Michael. He keeps tabs on me throughout the week by calling and texting, but insists on seeing me weekly. We both decided on a set time for him to stop by each week. It keeps him from randomly popping in to check on me and gives me the time to accept the fact that I have to let him in. I know he's just watching out for me and some weeks it’s nice just to have the human contact.

  He just recently married his girlfriend and I couldn't be happier for him. I don't think she's fond of me since he never brings her to dinner. I throw the lasagna in the oven and begin to prepare the salad just before he arrives.

  When he walks in, I stop to greet him.

  "Decide you can just walk in?"

  "You gave me a key!"

  "To take care of Sam when I'm gone, not to use when you visit."

  "I knew you'd be busy. I rang the doorbell. I'm sorry, Olivia, I'll wait for you to answer in the future."

  "I'm just teasing you. Where's Meg?"

  "Oh, she went to see her parents."

  "How do you like being a newlywed?"

  "It's great. Not much different than when we lived together, but it's nice that it's official. We have some news, though."

  I can feel the jealousy rising, so I turn to cut up the cucumber so he doesn’t see my expression. Is it bad that I want what he has? Is it so much to ask to be happy? I know what he's about to say. We're pregnant! That would be their next step and something he would want to tell me like this.

  "Oh yeah?"

  "She's carrying my baby, Olivia. Karma is going to make me a father."

  "Wow. I'm happy for you guys."

  "Yeah, we are, too."

  Our conversation continues while I move around in the kitchen. He's made himself comfortable in his usual bar stool, watching everything I do.

  "So, how was your weekend?" I pause and try to decide whether or not to tell him about Liam. What do I really need to hide? I hooked up with a guy in New York City, why is this a horrible thing?

  "It was great; I met so many fans at the signing and eve
n managed to hook up." I purposely look at his reaction to see what kind of conversation I'm headed for.

  "You what?"

  "I hooked up with a guy I met while I was there." His loss for words brings a smile to my face and I decide right then that I need to keep this vague. Michael seems to be protective of me and I know he's just worried, but I'm a grown ass woman.

  "Ok. What's his name and address?"

  "Michael, I'm not telling you anything about him. It doesn't matter anyway; it was just a one night stand."

  "In New York City? Are you crazy?" He knows he's said it the instant it comes out.

  "That's what they say."

  "I didn't mean that, Olivia. You know I'm just worried about you. I knew I should've gone with you on that trip."

  "Uh.... no, you shouldn't have. I was fine and he was actually a really nice guy." I leave out the 'most of the time' from my sentence because Michael would never leave this alone if he knew the guy had treated me like the slut I am.

  "You're not going to any more of these things by yourself."

  "I don't have any others planned for a very long time, so it'll all be okay." He lets the topic drop and starts to talk about everyday stuff. I can't help but look at him like a big brother during these visits. We don't have anything of importance to talk about, but have no problems talking about nothing.

  He doesn't stay long after he helps me clean up the dishes. I don't mind because I'm beat from the weekend and can use a long bath to relax in.

  Chapter Seven

  I plug my phone into the speaker inside the bathroom and grab a playlist that will be perfect. I'm barely in the bathtub when a notification comes through. I try to let my mind not focus on the curiosity of who would be messaging me. There are really only two people it could be.

  Despite telling myself I need to ignore it, I step out of the tub and reach for my phone to see who it is.

  Liam: Make it home okay?

  Everything before this moment was just a random hookup on a business trip. If I answer this and let him into my personal space, this becomes something more. Am I ready for more?

  I turn up the volume and set the phone back down before sliding back into the warmth of the water. How could he be so cold and walk out on me without even a note? What is his deal with leaving after sex? Shit like this could give a girl a complex. I'm not even in the tub five minutes before the next message comes through. Who does he think he is? What an impatient ass! What if I'm busy and don't have time to deal with his mood swings?

  Of course I can't not look at the message the second I step out of the water again.

  Liam: This is the last message I'll send you. If you want to reach me, you have my number.

  Really? My temper begins to rise the more I think about his audacity. He walked away from me, twice. Then he acts like this when he literally left a message minutes before. Give a girl a fucking second to respond. I begin to pace my house in my robe, thinking about everything. It's nice to have someone to look forward to seeing, but seriously, this guy has issues. I definitely enjoyed our time together, but can't have the walking out anymore. It's not like answering this message lets him into my house. I can choose to do that later if things actually go that far.

  Olivia: My, aren't we impatient?

  Liam: You telling me you weren't trying to decide whether to reply?

  Olivia: Did you make it back to Houston?

  Liam: Nice dodge. Yes.

  Olivia: You expect me to drop everything if you text?

  Liam: Yes.

  Olivia: Good luck with that!

  Liam: We'll see.

  Olivia: Will we? I'm not really fond of your Houdini moves.

  Liam: I'll work on that.

  Olivia: What makes you think you’ll get another chance to work on that?

  Liam: We'll see.

  I decide not to respond. It won’t hurt him to be left hanging a little. This interaction is nice, I'm not going to lie, but he's pretty sure of himself. Cockiness has never been an attractive personality trait to me. I remove my robe and slide in between the sheets. I've always preferred to sleep naked and I didn't change that when James died. I move to turn off the light and hear my phone again.

  Liam: Go on a date with me.

  Olivia: What's your idea of a date?

  Liam: Dinner and talking.

  Olivia: Where?

  Liam: I'll make it worth your while.

  Olivia: When?

  Liam: Tomorrow.

  Olivia: I'll think about it.

  Liam: I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7.

  Olivia: I said I'd think about it.

  Liam: Okay, go for it, but I'm going to be there at 7.

  Olivia: You don't know where I live.

  Liam: I could figure it out if you make me.

  Why is there no doubt in my mind that he could find my address? What could dinner hurt? I should be open for a night on the town by now.

  Olivia: 1425 Glendale Avenue, 7:30

  Liam: See you then.

  I toss and turn the whole night thinking about what I'm doing with Liam. It shouldn't be this hard to see someone. He's complicated, but so am I. I think about James and what he'd want me to do. He would have wanted me to be happy, but safe. Liam Brooks really is a complete stranger, but I just feel like he's a good guy beneath the demanding, impossibly sexy facade he portrays.

  After tossing and turning for hours, I give in and pull out my laptop. Maybe if I switch my train of thought to my characters, I can quit worrying about my own drama.

  It's afternoon before I wake from my deep sleep. The laptop is in its usual place on the bed beside me. I pop open the lid to check my emails and Facebook. There are literally hundreds of messages so I take the time to answer a few. I can never get through them all and still focus on writing.

  I begin to think about my date tonight. I want to keep it simple and not go overboard trying to prepare for it, but my excitement has me eager to find the perfect outfit. Is it possible to be excited for something and equally dread it? Because that's what I'm feeling but it’s nice to be feeling something real again.

  I remember that I need to go to the bank today so I’m on a mission to make it a quick trip. I also stop to get milk and a few other things I need from the store. My cart has only a few items when I step up to the cashier. Glancing around at the people in the vicinity, I see Liam picking through the apples in the produce section. I pull my cart out of line and move to see him.

  "Don't tell me we shop at the same grocery store?"

  "I guess we do! Are you ready for your date tonight?"

  "I will be if the guy shows up on time."

  "I hope he's not an asshole."

  "Yeah, me too." I watch the flirty smile on his face and can't help but notice how it lights up my own. He begins to sort through the apples yet again, so I decide to leave him to his shopping.

  "Well, I guess I'll see you tonight."

  "Yes, tonight." I don't miss his eyes as they move down my body when I turn to walk away. It really does mess with my head that I feel like a teenager around him sometimes. I need to get a grip.

  Making sure my house is straightened and my makeup and hair are perfect becomes my sole focus for the rest of the afternoon. I shave everything, hoping it won't all be for nothing. Look at me. I get sex after a year and now I'm acting like this. I slide on a new black dress that shows more than enough cleavage. I'm sure I'll get more than enough attention in it, but it's nice to put myself out there for a change.

  Chapter Eight

  He arrives exactly on time, just like I knew he would. I open the door to a very sexy man in a suit. His attire screams authority and I feel my breath hitch with the thought of that. His dark hair is messy, yet perfect and I watch as he looks around the neighborhood before he notices me. When his eyes finally come in contact with me he seems to have the same appreciative reaction to what I'm wearing. The chemistry is so thick when he's around and I'm sure he notices it, too.


  "You look beautiful, Livi." It's been a long time since I've received a compliment that made me feel like it might actually be true.

  "Thank you. You look gorgeous yourself! Let me get my purse." I purposely don't invite him in, but it doesn't surprise me when he comes in anyway.

  "Your house is nice. Do you live here all by yourself?"

  "Yes." Simple answer, but that's all I'm ready for. I grab my purse and pull out the keys to lock the door. He begins to move around the living room, looking at the pictures I have out. There is no doubt he is seeing James and me together, because that's what every picture is. I wait for him to ask, but he doesn't. He studies each one and it begins to bother me. He doesn't have any right to those memories.

  "Are we doing this or not?" He senses my tone and quickly pulls his attention away from the pictures and back to me.

  "Yes. I'm sorry, I was just appreciating your pictures."

  "I wish you wouldn't."

  "Okay. I didn't mean to overstep my boundaries." He closes in on me, looking directly into my eyes and I realize very quickly that I can't be angry with him when he's this close to me.

  "It's alright. That's just a part of me that I'm not ready to share."

  "I understand. Are you ready for a night out?"

  "Yes, please." I turn to lead the way and I'm thankful he follows. The panic my heart feels with him near my photos of James is unexplainable and I'm definitely not ready to deal with this.

  He waits while I lock up the house and then leads me to his Hummer waiting in the driveway. I wasn't prepared to climb into a vehicle this tall, but I manage to climb in with out any issues. He closes the door behind me and my eyes don’t leave his body once as he walks around the vehicle. His stride is completely and utterly sexy and I can't stand myself for being this drawn to him even when he pushes my buttons.