by Claire Adams
“Go to sleep,” I said. “I’m tired too. You wore me out!” Devon grinned sleepily. “And I promise I will still be here when you wake up, as long as you don’t sleep until noon.” Devon fell asleep, his arms wrapped around me, his body warm against mine. I wished that I could fall asleep too; I wished that I could just drop into the dark depths and forget about everything other than being with the guy I really wanted.
Instead, my mind was still spinning about the fact that the girl who’d been kissing Devon was Kelly. She had never seemed to be the jealous type before; I’d seen her brush off so many guys that I would never have suspected that she even caught feelings for anyone, much less held onto them after they left her life. But then, I’d never been after a guy she liked. It’s her word against his, I thought to myself. I like Devon a lot—and what he said makes sense. But what if the reason that things didn’t work out between them was because he was still a player? I looked at Devon’s sleeping face. He had seemed so sincere to me when we had been talking; and I had to admit that tracking me down the way he had was a sure sign that he was serious about getting to know me better, about dating me.
Kelly being jealous also made her half-joking suggestions about getting revenge on Devon make sense to me. Of course she wanted revenge; she had had her feelings for him rejected. After all these years, she still wanted to get back at him for hurting her. But then the sight of her kissing Devon—now that I knew that it was her—made no sense. Why would she do that to get revenge on him? She had no reason to think that Devon really wanted me, and she had no way to know that I would be there at that particular moment. I hadn’t even known that she was going to the game.
I couldn’t make sense of any of it, other than to think that Kelly was probably hurting a lot; she had been so kind to me when she had found out that I was heartbroken over Devon. That made sense, at least—she wanted someone else to join her in wanting to get back at him, someone to commiserate with. But why hadn’t she just told me that she knew Devon’s ways because she’d dated him and he’d dropped her for a new girl? It would have made so much more sense than to just feed me rumors about him. Maybe she’s just still hurting so much she doesn’t want to tell anyone about it at all, not even me. I thought about the fact that in the aftermath of seeing Devon in some other girl’s arms, I hadn’t even wanted anyone to know I’d been with him. That was the only answer that made any sense at all.
I started to drift off, thinking about whether or not it would be a good idea to talk to Kelly about what I’d heard. On the one hand, it wasn’t like her relationship with Devon was a secret to me anymore; although I hadn’t told Devon that Kelly was my best friend. On the other hand, she had lied to me outright. She had tried to do something more than just give me advice, and I had to assume that it was purely to keep Devon away from me—or to keep me away from Devon. I had no idea what to do or think, how to feel about Kelly’s interference and the way she’d been so nice—but so dishonest. I fell asleep without even finishing my inner debate, too exhausted to keep thinking about it.
Chapter Two
When I woke up the next morning, Devon was still asleep next to me; I remembered that I had told him I wouldn’t pull my disappearing act a second time, but I knew I had to actually talk to Kelly about what I had learned. I slipped free of his arms and out from under the covers as carefully as possible, feeling guilty for leaving him the way I was—he would assume that there was still something wrong, I knew. But I also knew that I couldn’t just wake him up and tell him that the reason I was leaving was to confront the girl who’d grabbed and kissed him after the game. I hadn’t mentioned that Kelly was my friend; I didn’t want to even tell Devon about the fact that the girl who’d grabbed him was the same person who’d given me the advice to stay away from him.
I rummaged through his book bag as quietly as I could until I found a pen and a piece of paper; at least, I thought, I could leave him a note so that he wouldn’t assume the worst about the situation. Hey Dev, I wrote. I know I promised I’d be there when you woke up, but something came up with one of my friends—crisis situation, have to handle it. I’m not mad at you, and I can’t wait to see you again. Text me babe!
I folded up the piece of paper and put it where he’d be sure to find it, right where I had been in bed next to him. I hated having to do that to him again, and I hated even more that I wouldn’t even have a chance to enjoy being with him before I got breakfast and went to class. But I had to talk to Kelly—I had to do it before I lost my nerve and decided that I was going to just let it go.
I got dressed as quietly as I could, shaking and starting every time Devon shifted in the bed; if he woke up I would have to give him the same excuse I had written down—but I knew he’d want to know more. I slipped out of his room and down the hall, holding my shoes and my purse in my hand as I made my way down the stairs as quickly and silently as possible. No one else in the frat was awake, thankfully; I also didn’t want anyone taunting Devon over the fact that his date for the night had sneaked out first thing in the morning. I still wasn’t entirely sure I wanted the fact that Devon and I were seeing each other to be common knowledge.
I hurried across campus; Kelly had class soon—and I wanted to get to her before she left for class. My stomach was rumbling; I wished that I could stop for breakfast. But I had to get to her and confront her about what she had said and done before I lost my nerve. There has to be another side to this, I thought as I almost ran along the walkways, dodging the few people who were out and about, headed to classes. I hoped that no one had seen me at the game, or that if they had, they didn’t notice that I was wearing the same clothes that I had been the night before.
I took the stairs up to my dorm room, not even bothering to wait for the elevator, and managed to get the door unlocked. Kelly was sitting in the common area, watching one of the morning news shows, eating the breakfast she’d gotten from the dining hall. “Hey,” I said, my heart racing in my chest. Now that the time had come to actually confront her about the situation, I had no idea what to say, how to open the conversation. Kelly looked me up and down, frowning in confusion.
“Where’d you come from? I assumed you’d come in late last night.” I shrugged and threw myself down into the chair, my mind spinning.
“I know about you and Devon,” I said, the words tumbling out of my mouth without any preamble.
“What?” Kelly’s face went briefly white before she frowned, narrowing her eyes as she stared at me with something that seemed like shock. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I know you were with Devon years ago, and it didn’t work out,” I said. “I also know that it was you who I saw kissing him the other night.” Kelly shook her head.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she told me, picking her to-go box up and taking another bite quickly. “I’ve never had anything to do with Devon Sealy. He’s way too much of a player for me, and I’ve seen him hurt way too many people.”
“Kelly, he told me.” I held her gaze for a long moment as she stared back at me, silent.
“When would he have told you something like that? That’s crazy. He’s just trying to get into your head, telling you your friend is poisoning you against him.” I shook my head.
“He has no idea you’re my friend,” I said quietly. “I confronted him about seeing him with the girl and asked who it was. He told me your name. And that he had dated you a while back, and it hadn’t worked out.” Kelly rolled her eyes.
“You have got to be the most naïve freshman in the entire school,” Kelly said, shaking her head. “Even if I had ever dated Devon—which, by the way, I haven’t—I would have just told you from my own experience what a jerk he is, and I definitely wouldn’t be going after him still.”
“So where were you the night of the game then?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I told you, I had a date.” Kelly put her food aside. “Look, I get that you’re all worked up about hi
m because you lost your v-card to the guy…”
“That’s not it at all!” I said, my blood rushing into my face. “I talked to him about the whole situation, and I got his side of the story. That’s all.”
“You talked to him? Jenn, what the hell were you thinking? He’s already shown you what he thinks of you—nothing. He was kissing some girl less than a full day after he hooked up with you because that’s what he does. You might as well just get over him already.”
“How long have we been friends, Kelly? Look, if you just don’t want to admit it because you’re still hurting, I get that. Just come clean and we can work this out.”
“There’s nothing to work out,” Kelly said. “I can’t believe that you’d talk to Devon after the way he treated you, with the reputation he has. I can’t believe you’d take his word over mine or even want to believe it.” She shook her head, giving me a disappointed look. “You’re not a stupid person, Jenn. You should know when someone’s just running a game on you.”
“If Devon’s just interested in running game, why would he take the trouble to track me down, to beg me to talk to him? And anyway—it’s not like he had to tell me it was you or I wouldn’t have believed him. He doesn’t even know that you’re my friend. He could have picked any girl on campus if he just wanted to give me an excuse.”
“Of course he knows we’re friends,” Kelly said, rolling her eyes again. “I was at the Phi Kappa party too, you know. We got there together and hung out during. You think he didn’t see you talking to me and dancing with me? Of course he did.”
“So then how does he know your name if you’ve never been involved?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I’ve dated some of the other Phi Kappa guys. He probably got my name from one of them. Look—this is ridiculous, Jenn. You’re going crazy over this guy, and he’s totally not worth it.” I shook my head.
“It doesn’t add up. There would be no reason for him to name-drop you if he was lying to me.”
“There would be every reason!” I shook my head at Kelly again.
“Don’t you think he’s smart enough to figure I’d check it out—if he picked your name deliberately?”
“He knows you’re crazy about him because you’re about as transparent as an un-tinted window!” Kelly scowled at me. “He figured that you’d just trust his word on it because he’s so charming and sweet and gentle and fucked your brains out.”
“He came clean to me about everything,” I said. “If he was just lying to me to get in my pants…hell, he’s already been in my pants! That wouldn’t make sense. And it wouldn’t make sense for him to try and feed me some story like that without thinking I’d confront you.”
“He knew you’d do just what you’re doing right now—believe him instead of me. I can’t believe you, Jenn, I thought you had more sense than that.” Kelly shook her head and picked up her to-go box again, picking at her food. She took a deep breath, sighing.
“Just come clean, Kelly,” I said, suddenly feeling exhausted. “I can forgive you for not wanting to tell me about it because you’re hurting still. I can get that. I was hurt too. But come clean about what it is with you and him, because we’ve been friends for way too long for you to lie to me.” Kelly closed her to-go box and threw it in the trash, shaking her head again.
“You’re going to have to choose who you’re going to believe and who you’re going to side with,” she said, holding my gaze for a long moment. “Because you’re right; we’ve been friends for way too long for you to believe what some guy tells you instead of trusting me. If I’m not even a good enough friend for you to believe me, we shouldn’t be friends at all.” I sighed.
“Kelly, come on,” I said, watching her as she grabbed her book bag from off of the floor. “You’re really going to make me choose between him and you?”
“I have to go to class,” she said flatly, walking past me without even looking in my direction. She slammed the door shut behind her as she left the room, and I sat in the common area for a long time after she left, just staring at the TV she’d left on. I couldn’t believe that she’d keep the lie up even after confronted with the facts; I couldn’t believe that Kelly would care so little about our friendship to just keep to the same story.
I knew that she had to still be hurting over Devon to have done the things she had, but to completely and totally deny that she’d had anything to do with him made no sense. I shook my head, full of disbelief. There had been absolutely no reason for Devon to drop her name if he hadn’t actually been with her; he could have picked any name at all and I would have been none the wiser. Especially since when I had asked him about the name of the girl in question, it was easily an hour or more after he had explained what the situation had been—if he wanted to deflect my attention, he could have picked a girl from one of the sororities, anything. It didn’t make any sense, and I couldn’t help thinking that it was a damned shame that Kelly was willing to throw away years of friendship all because she was bitter about Devon.
Chapter Three
I decided to check my email since I had lost any appetite I had for breakfast. I forced myself to eat dry cereal from my closet stash while I opened up my school account and logged in; the first thing that popped up was a notification that my professor for my only morning class that day had canceled the class meeting, adding a note that she was sick and didn’t want to spread it to the rest of us. I sat back in my chair at my desk, trying to decide what to do with myself in all my freedom for the day. My next class for the day wouldn’t be until the afternoon; I had all morning and lunchtime to stew about the situation with Kelly. Great, I thought. I’m just going to sit here pretending to watch TV and pretending not to think about the fact that I might be losing my best friend.
Kelly came back from her short morning class while I was still ruminating on the situation, sitting in my room and pretending to myself that I was actually making any headway in studying for one of my classes. I heard the door close behind her, heard her go into her room—and ignored her completely. I still couldn’t believe that she had not only lied to me, but also lied about lying to me.
In spite of how confused and hurt I felt, I might have made an effort to at least talk to her again about the situation if my phone buzzing hadn’t interrupted my thoughts. I unlocked my screen; Devon had texted me, and I couldn’t help but smile. Got your note, babe. Hope everything’s all right with your friend crisis! I was just wondering if you’re not doing anything right now…feel like coming to watch me practice? You could give coach a few of those pointers you gave me last night. I laughed, rolling my eyes; the last person I’d give advice to on coaching would be the coach himself.
I closed my books; I didn’t have a class for hours, and I definitely wanted to see Devon again, even if it was just from the bleachers while he practiced. I’d love to watch you get all sweaty. Be right there. I grabbed my purse and made sure that I had my keys and my phone; I changed into new clothes—no sense walking around in the ones I’d worn last night for any longer than necessary. I closed the door to my side of the dorm hard, enough for Kelly to hear me leaving; but she stayed in her room, and I decided that if she was going to keep ignoring me, that I would just return the favor.
I made it to the court just as the team was finishing up their warm-up, finding a good spot in the bleachers and settling myself there. There were a few other girls from campus watching; most of them were girlfriends of different members of the team, but there were some obvious fangirls too, just hanging out to watch and giggle. Devon looked out over the bleachers as he went in for drills; he caught my eye and grinned, and in spite of the fact that I was still feeling guilty and confused about how things had gone earlier in the morning, I felt my heart skip a beat.
I tried to focus on watching the practice, listening to the coach call out orders and tweaks and critiques, but I couldn’t keep myself from thinking about Kelly and the whole stupid confrontation we’d both been through. She had said that Devon ha
d picked her name to give me because he knew that I’d take his side instead of hers. I felt my cheeks burning as I remembered what she said about the fact that I’d lost my virginity to Devon and how it was making me crazy.
I cheered Devon on, trying to find the balance between just sitting there staring at him and looking like a crazy fan-girl, smiling back at him every time he glanced in my direction, watching his flashy moves as he went up against the best players on his team. I had to admit to myself that even with the flashiness, there was no one who could say that Devon wasn’t a really phenomenal player; it wasn’t just that he was visible. I could tell that he practically breathed basketball. He was light on his feet, quick to move through any little hole the defense created, and he made shots as if he didn’t even think about it—and sank them. Whether he was working with or against Miles in the drills, he was a standout player.
Even though I was cheering and doing my best to pay complete attention, though, my mind kept going back to Kelly. Why hadn’t she just admitted it? If she really valued our friendship and wanted to continue to be close, it wouldn’t make any sense to keep up her story. It wouldn’t make sense to make me choose between her and Devon. Devon had seemed so sincere when he’d explained what had happened, when he confessed to me about his previous playboy ways; why should I doubt him when he gave me the name of the girl? But by the same token, Kelly had proven herself over years of being my friend to be someone I could trust. If she was telling me the truth, then I owed her the apology to beat all apologies—but if she was lying, and Devon was telling the truth, how could I ever trust her again, knowing that she was just trying to drive a wedge between Devon and me? It seemed like one or the other of the two other people in the situation were trying to drive me away from the other—and I had no idea for sure who was the guilty one.