Because

by Jack A. Langedijk

  “Then we go down there and get him,” Troy said defiantly. “Come on, let’s go get him out.”

  The three started to walk.

  “No, stop. Stop now!” Ang ordered. “Listen, that hole was...maybe eighty foot deep. Now look,” Ang pointed to where they had all just stood five short minutes ago, “look, the hole all gone. Almost all of hole...all filled with snow. Mr. Robert at bottom.”

  “Look, it’s not all filled in...Over there...look, the whole crevasse is not filled. Come on...let’s climb down!” Troy said urgently.

  “Mr. Troy, under so much snow, Mr. Robert not breathe.”

  “Well, he sure won’t be if we stand here just talking about it,” Nancy said.

  “Please,” Mingma then said. “Please, we know of these holes and snow. Two years ago, my brother died under only ten feet of snow. We here to protect you. Mr. Robert say if anything happen to him, we must make you safe home.”

  “But don’t you have some avalanche sensors that can tell exactly where he is?” Nancy asked, trying to sound as hopeful as she could.

  “Yes,” Ang said, “but we know where he is. And we know where the hole is, too...It is just too deep and dangerous for all of us. I am sorry, Mr. Robert would want me to protect you. We must go now in case more snow come down.”

  “So he’s dead?” Troy asked. “You’re sure? Sure he’s dead?”

  “We have been in the mountains many times...we know when death happens,” Ang said softly.

  “But what about his walkie talkie? Try calling him.” Philip’s voice sounded weak.

  “Here is his backpack,” Ang said, holding out the backpack he had dug out of the snow. “And here is walkie talkie...I am sorry for your teacher...but we must go now.”

  “He’s not our teacher...He’s...he’s our friend.” Nancy started to cry. “He’s always been our friend.”

  Troy opened his arms and Nancy’s cry was muffled as she buried herself into his chest.

  Philip dropped the camera onto the snow and walked towards Troy. The three held each other tight.

  Ang was about to say something, but now it was Mingma’s turn to put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. He said, “Time, Ang...time...let them cry now. The danger has passed.” Ang smiled grimly at Mingma and Satya. They then took a couple of steps away from the three to give them space to weep.

  “Oh my God!” Nancy cried. “Oh my God, how can he just die?”

  “I don’t know. He was the kind of guy you just can’t see...you can’t see being...being...” Philip couldn’t finish his thought so he burrowed deeper into Nancy and Troy’s arms.

  The three of them stood together and cried. They cried for the man that had helped each of them climb out of the dark sad lives they had been living. They cried for a man—a stranger who cared for them when most, even their families, had given up on them.

  After a while, Troy freed himself from the hug just enough that he could face Nancy and Philip. For some reason, in that moment, he needed to see their faces, the faces of two human beings that without Robert, he would not have met in a million years.

  “Nancy, Phil?” Troy wiped his face and spoke softly but firmly. “I don’t know why I have to tell you this now...maybe ‘cause he’d want to hear it...But you know...I never thought I’d have friends like you two, I don’t know, I mean...who would have thought...but he did...and now I can’t even imagine my life without you two.”

  “Oh Troy...” Nancy said with tears still in her voice, “me too...me too.”

  “Yeah, I love you guys,” Philip said, sniffling and wiping his nose.

  “You hear that?” Troy yelled up into the sky. “You hear that, Mr. RobertOOooo Sanchez? Look what you’ve done...you got us fucking misfits thinking we can do things!”

  Then Nancy joined in yelling at the blue sky. “Yeah, that’s right...that’s right...that...” Nancy tried to add more but she was still too choked up to think of anything else.

  “That’s right!” Philip joined in, raising his fist to the sky.

  “We must leave now,” Ang said as he slowly walked to the three. Mingma reached down to the ground, picked up Philip’s camera and handed it to him. Satya put his arms around Nancy and Troy’s backs and started them on the mournful journey towards base camp.

  Philip brushed the snow off the camera. With his head bent down over the camera, Philip noticed the little light on his jacket was blinking.

  “Troy, Nancy, stop!”

  They both turned around. “What’s wrong, Phil?”

  Philip quickly took a couple of steps towards them and pointed at his jacket. “Is that light blinking?”

  Nancy and Troy looked at each other and then with a sad look, back at Philip.

  “Is it blinking?” Philip now asked adamantly.

  They nodded to Philip. “Yeah, Phil...it’s blinking...Now come on, big guy, we have to go.”

  “It’s blinking? It’s really blinking? You see it too? You see it too?” Philip asked excitedly.

  “It’s okay, Philip. Come on, we have to go, it’s not safe here,” Nancy said, taking Philip’s arm.

  “No, it’s Mr. Sanchez!” Philip said, pointing at the blinking light on his jacket. “It’s him...it’s got to be him!”

  Nancy and Troy walked to either side of Philip and put their arms around him. They tried to move him, but he was rooted to the ground. “It’s okay, Phil...we know the light is Mr. Sanchez...we know...” Troy said, trying to move him. Philip pulled out of their grasp.

  “I’m not crazy!!!” Philip yelled. “This is that safety beacon light my parents made me promise I would bring—It’s like an emergency light in case I got lost from you guys. I kind of designed and created it so if one of us was lost, the other person would turn it on to notify us that something was up. Mr. Sanchez had one and I have one. I didn’t give you guys one ‘cause I thought you’d laugh and think I was paranoid.”

  “How does it work, Phil?” Troy asked

  “Well, you have to reach inside your jacket and lift that little switch to notify the other person. My light is green and his light is red. It only blinks when the other person is trying to signal you.”

  “And you think Mr. Sanchez switched it on, Phil?”

  “He had to!”

  “Then he’s alive?” Nancy questioned. “Then he’s alive?”

  “He’s gotta be...It couldn’t have just gone on by itself. Wait. I’ll switch mine on.”

  The red light stopped blinking as Philip switched his on. He let it blink for about ten seconds and then turned it off. They all stared at Philip’s coat, hoping the red light would come back on. After five agonizing seconds, the red light started blinking again. They all screamed and cheered.

  “Let’s go back...” Nancy said.

  Ang caught her arm as she turned. “Wait, Mr. Philip, are you sure this thing cannot just turn itself on?”

  “No...Ang, no...He’s gotta be telling us he’s okay!”

  Troy put his arms around Philip. “Man, thank god for your parents, you big paranoid...genius!”

  Ang looked at Mingma and stroked his chin in serious thought.

  “Come on, we have to move now!” Nancy said impatiently.

  “Wait, Miss Nancy, Mingma is good with saving but we...we must think how.” Mingma smiled at Nancy.

  “Come on, let’s start digging,” Philip pled. “We gotta go now!”

  Ang stopped them all with a shout. “No, it is too dangerous.” Ang then told them, “If we dig on top on crevasse hole and Mr. Robert underneath snow, we may loosen snow only to fall in with him. First we must plan wisely.”

  “Look, that crevasse was over one hundred feet long,” Satya said. “Look, you can see over half of it is not filled with snow...It’s not all filled with snow! Maybe if we go to the end of the crevasse, climb to the bottom. He’s probably in some kind of cave where he can breathe.”

  “Mingma, radio base camp...We will need...” Ang said.

  47. PRESENT DAY – AT T
HE HOTEL

  “And this change that is about to happen with your companies...well, most of you probably had no say in it, right? This change is going to happen whether you like it or not. And I’m sure that makes it even harder for you.”

  The audience immediately responded with some clapping and vocal responses, acknowledging the truth of Robert’s statement. “And usually when we confront a change that we have little control over, one of the first things we always ask is, where does that leave me? Am I going to be made redundant? Does anyone really need me now? Will I still have a job? Do I really want to do this? And the whole time you’re probably trying to figure out if going through all this change...is it even worth it? Wait...!”

  Robert suddenly stopped and looked down at his legs. “Worth? Hmmm...You know...I never thought about this,” he said, looking back up. “When this happened to me—this change—losing my legs. I didn’t ask for it either—and that word ‘worth’ seemed to surround everything I thought about. I think that’s the thing I kept asking myself: What am I worth?”

  He paused to muse over what he had just said.

  “Wow, sorry! That’s a pretty loaded question, isn’t it? But think about it: anytime we go through change, deep down, isn’t that one of the first things we ask ourselves: What am I worth? Not just to yourself, but also to everyone else!”

  Greg looked at Monique, raised his eyebrow and nodded in appreciation of Robert’s question.

  “ME? I couldn’t answer it...but I think the sooner you figure out the answer to that question, the easier you’ll be able to accept and adapt to any change you’re facing. Ever since my accident that question has been playing in my mind like an irritating song would. You know, that song you absolutely hate but you know all the words to it? And you just want to stop it from playing inside your head, but you can’t? Well, that question, I couldn’t shut it off. I kept looking at myself and asking...what am I worth now?”

  Monique, Jenny and Kyle had edged closer to the front of the stage. Jenny wasn’t sure her father even knew she was there, so she lifted her hand slightly to wave, but her father didn’t see her. He continued speaking and getting more excited about the question he had found.

  “That’s it! That’s it!” Robert sounded like a man who had been drifting on the ocean for weeks and had just discovered land. “That guy—that guy you saw in all those photos...summiting all those mountains...facing all those challenges...Well, obviously, looking at me now, I can’t do those same things anymore, right?”

  He paused and then smiled. “Or can I? Is that how we measure worth: by what we used to do with all we had? But when you’re facing change, you might not have those things anymore, right? So if you want to move forward, then you have to ask yourself a new question, one that I think I was too afraid to ask. As a matter of fact, I just started asking myself that question only...maybe thirty minutes ago. Who am I now?” He paused and then repeated it.

  “Who am I now? Change really makes us face who we are, doesn’t it? Change and how we adjust to it helps form our identity, don’t you think? Not just how we see ourselves, but how others see us.”

  Robert looked down to the opposite side of the stage where Monique was. There was the doorman, Aaron Aboga, smiling. Robert bowed slightly and gave Aaron a look that seemed to be full of humility and grace. The doorman then bowed his head slightly, acknowledging him, as Robert went on.

  “Look at me! I climbed some of the most difficult mountains on this planet and you know what? You would probably think after doing all that I can handle anything, right? Hanging off all those cliffs, suffering through freezing weather that eats at your bones, sleeping on the edge of some mountain with a wind coming at you so fierce...that you’re not sure where you might be waking up...or if you’d be waking up at all!”

  The Leaning Tower of Pisa was so, so quiet, yet one could sense never had it been so alive.

  “Do you know what my nickname was? Mighty Oak! Yep, I was known as The Mighty Oak. That’s what everybody called me. And in many ways, that’s how I measured myself. I could face every challenge standing up because, like some massive tree, I was unflappable!...No cold, no snow or wind was ever going to take me down. And I loved being that guy—that big Mighty Oak! Of course, I always laughed it off when anyone called me that, but I loved knowing people saw me as that big strong tree. And, in a lot of ways, I saw my worth through everyone else’s eyes. But then I lost my legs...The Mighty Oak got sliced down...and me? Well, what was I now? My identity? I was a...a stump! So that question ‘what am I worth’ was a question I just ran away from. I didn’t want anyone to see what happened to The Mighty Oak. What are they going to call me now...The Mighty Stump? Ha ha...”

  Robert laughed at his own joke. He waited for a reaction from the audience, hoping there was at least a giggle, but none came.

  “It’s okay to laugh, you know...’cause that’s another thing I forgot to do: laugh! Not that losing my legs was funny, but I could still laugh, couldn’t I? But I didn’t. See, I didn’t just lose my legs—no, I let this change cripple all the things I could still do! I have to tell you something—when this happened, I didn’t want anyone to see me. I was so scared of how everyone would see me now: a fallen tree—and we all care how others see us, right?”

  The room murmured, acknowledging Robert’s thought.

  “And I know you have probably all heard this phrase: we all have our own mountains to climb. And me, I used to stand on stages like this and...and I loved to talk about all the challenges of climbing a mountain. I would discuss how you can use those same strategies in your everyday life or at work. I thought I was pretty good at it, too...but you know what? Damn if I could apply any of that knowledge I was selling about mountain climbing to my own situation! It’s not that it wasn’t still inside of me...I just couldn’t find it! I couldn’t tap into it! Why? Because I couldn’t find me. I let this change stop me from doing all the things I could still do!”

  Monique closed her eyes and put her hands over her heart. A delicate voice inside her called out, “Me too...me too.”

  “It’s always about our identity, isn’t it? Dealing with—Who am I?” Robert rolled himself closer to the front of the stage. “How many of you are no longer going to be the manager now...or this specialist...have this or that title? Who are you going to be now? It might all change with this new adventure of three becoming one, right? See, who we think we are and how others perceive us, well...we always want it to be the same thing, don’t we? And that is almost impossible, isn’t it? So...so who am I now? Am I still the Mighty Oak? Because...the Mighty Oak became this stump...and what can a stump do? Or what can Mighty Stumpy do?”

  The audience did laugh this time, not loud, but in a way that told Robert to go on...they wanted more.

  “So what am I worth now as a stump? You see, that was my new mountain to climb: answering that question. So here I am, the Mighty Oak, cut down. Here I was...facing this challenge—my own mountain of change—and what was the first step I took?”

  Robert raised his hand and then froze, taking a dramatic pause. “Well, I...dug a hole!”

  Everyone exploded into laughter. Even Greg was nodding and smiling.

  “That’s right! The moment I saw the mountain I had to climb, I dug so far down so I wouldn’t have to see it!”

  Greg now joined in with a quick clap, acknowledging how familiar Robert’s choice to hide from change was.

  “My first instinct was to deny there was a mountain. And oh, I did something else too. I made sure the hole I dug was only big enough for one! See, I dug it so no one else could see me, get in with me, or pull me out. In other words, me, the guy who climbed all those mountains, telling everyone to face their challenges, rely and work with your team...well, I didn’t listen to my own words and of course, you can’t blame me. I couldn’t hear anyone because I was too busy digging!”

  Jenny and Kyle now joined the laughter that filled the room. But Monique didn’t laugh; her eyes we
re still closed and her head raised as if she was feeling each word. She felt every single syllable Robert spoke. It fell upon her like a nourishing, welcomed rain.

  “...and it got so deep...it got so dark down there...And since no one could get in the hole with me, what do you think happened? Well, big surprise! I felt completely alone! So all alone and worthless...and who’s to blame?”

  Robert paused, once again putting his hands over his eyes and scanned the room to find Monique. But everyone still looked like shadows.

  “Me...I’m to blame! The guy who ran away from every source of support or care I had...I just kept digging! I remember this one physical therapist I had and he was always cheering me on, saying things like, you know, ‘Don’t give up! Keep going...Never give up!’ Well, I listened!!! And that’s exactly what I was doing...I was never going to give up on hiding away, so I just kept digging deeper!”

  The room erupted into laughter again.

  “How many of us do that? You have this situation and you’re reacting really badly to it. It’s definitely not helping what you’re doing. If you were honest with yourself, you would even agree it’s actually hurting you. It’s making everything worse...it’s totally destructive. But you...you still take up that ‘Never give up attitude’ and you just keep digging farther away from the problem—or the change—and you dig so deep that you lose all perspective! Of course, we know when people say never give up, they are talking about going after the positive things. But when you don’t give up on the things that are not helpful...well, I mean, what did I think would happen? The deeper I dug, the more alone I felt. I was trying to get where there was absolutely no light because then I didn’t have to see my mountain, did I? Also, then I didn’t have to face the question of ‘what am I worth?’ Oh, and there were lots of people up there in the light, trying everything to help me, but the deeper I dug, the less I heard them. It got so bad, I actually—”

  Robert cleared his throat. “Okay...well...this is hard to talk about or even admit but...um...”