Gangsters In Time [Part I]

by Stanimir Mirov

  After the shooting had ended, our guys lifted the injured Hitler in one of the rooms and left the doctor to do his job. Leo lost Galfonino for a moment, but it didn’t take much to guess where he was. He went down and saw his friend kicking the corpse of the unknown giant who insulted his mother. While kicking, he reached for his knife to cut his ears off…

  “Relax! He didn’t really mean it?”

  “Didn’t he? You are probably right.”

  Three kicks and a series of punches followed up.

  “You'll talk about my mom, huh? And you don’t even know her! You piece of shit! How is Hitler?”

  “He'll live. Then what we are going to do?”

  “Well, I suggest we get the fuck out of here because too many prospectors appeared...”

  On the next day…

  “Come on, get up already!” Leo shouted. “We have to go!”

  “Are you crazy, it’s probably before noon?” Ernak pouted.

  “We have to move. The gravedigger began to complain about the work,” smiled Galfo.

  After an abundant breakfast they ate like it was their last, they mounted the horses and rode at sunset towards the machine, ordered as pharmaceutical bottles.

  Somewhere along the way…

  “I wonder, with all this traveling in time, did we change the timeline?” mused Galfonino.

  “That's what I've been thinking the last few days. I didn't want to say it, but we should go home.”

  Ernak and Adolf also thought about it. The silence lasted until they made their way to the machine. Even when they passed the village of their Indian friends and the wife of chief waved to Ernak, no one paid attention.

  Once they reached, Adolf offered, “It is already late. Let's build a fire and drink one last whiskey.”

  Soon the fire crackled, and the four friends were sitting around him, passing the bottle of alcohol.

  “Well, fuck this!” exclaimed The Khan. “I do not see how a few bodies can change something...”

  “I had just begun to think that no one will say it,” Leo smiled and drank some whiskey.

  “You intelligent bastard,” Galfo grinned too. “Ideas where are we going? I leave the decision to you, and in the meantime, I will check the machine again.”

  A few minutes later, an angry cry deafened the darkness, “You stupid mother fucker! We have a big problem. The energy of the machine has given wastage.”

  “What?”

  “The energy is caput. It’s depleted!”

  “You mean we're stuck here?” Leo smiled shyly and for a moment imagined himself as a farmer in a straw hat.

  “If you are imagining growing tomatoes again, now is not the time!” said Galfonino. “Shit. We are fucked!”

  “Let's get some sleep. The morning is wiser than the evening. We'll think our next move then.”

  They all sat around the fire. Some lying, some sitting, but more importantly, they were all thinking about the same thing. Well, almost all.

  “Have you heard of Wyatt Earp, his brothers and Doc Holliday? There are movies about them. Famous cowboys from the wild west. Who knows, they might even be alive at this moment? I wonder what aliases we will use if we stay? We'll have to get on with some business! I’m sure that they haven’t heard about cocaine...” smiled Leo.

  “Don’t even think about it! Tomorrow we are getting out of this wilderness. Go to sleep!”

  Chapter VIII

  Another Jail?

  In the morning, snorting horses awakened our people. Leo gently rubbed his eyes and stared blankly. Everywhere was swarming with cowboys, armed to the teeth.

  “It’s them,” the bartender from the saloon pointed at them.

  “You must be joking?” wondered Galfonino. “You little, dirty, corrupt, miserable, imbecile, disgusting...” three minutes later, “with a face looking like a barium enema. You will not live long!”

  “In your place, I wouldn’t have threatened my son! Arrest them and collect everything.”

  “Shut up, scum!” answered angry Leo.

  “Of course something will happen, with my fucking luck!” the Italian kept shouting and swearing words incomprehensible for the others.

  The cowboys shut them in a cart studded with iron, and the horses drove somewhere. After several hours, Leo asked the driver, “Where are you taking us?”

  “At the district court of Arizona. You’ll most likely be hanged, but first, you will have to answer about a few things…”

  “I guess one of them is the strange thingy next to the fire?”

  “Certainly, but it isn't by the fire anymore.”

  “How things change. From famous cowboys, we may end up being hanged like criminals?” raged Capone.

  “The most interesting thing is that, at the time, none of us exists and if we die here, it will certainly influence the future,” noted Adolf. “So, no matter how bad the situation seems, we have to find a way out.”

  Everyone went silent. They all started to think. Leo and Galfonino began to rotate movies with happy endings in their minds. Adolf and Ernak, as military men, began to dream about big battles. After a few minutes of silence, Leo said, “Okay, we need a good plan. I’m waiting for suggestions. For starters, I suggest everyone to choose one name, especially you Adolf. After all, future generations will read about us. And since I gave the idea, I pick first, so I choose Clint.”

  “An interesting solution,” said Galfo and swore softly, because he didn’t think about this first. “Then, I pick Frank Morgan.”

  “Call me, Bucho. I’ve always liked that name,” added the German.

  “Well, I do not know names of that time and don’t want to embarrass myself so I will leave you to pick me a name.”

  “I know the exact name for you,” laughed Leo, “Jordan, Michael Jordan.”

  “I like. Was he fast?”

  “Oh, yeah. They also called him "Air Jordan",” blurted Capone writhing in laughter with The Sock.

  “We have to think about our testimony. They should all be the same.”

  “Easy job,” interrupted Galfonino, “we had a farm, and we have found gold. We've sold the farm, and we headed west to invest in the big city. But on the way, we were attacked by thieves, and we killed them.”

  “Something is wrong with this story,” said the chief.

  “Who are you, Sherlock Holmes?”

  “I haven’t heard of him, but if you keep thinking, we will hang,” responded Ernak quickly.

  “If you have a better suggestion, tell us.”

  “First, you forgot one crucial thing –"the machine". We can’t explain it at all. And second, whatever we say won’t save us after all those murders. We must act before it comes to court.”

  “I agree,” said Hitler. “We need a plan.”

  “We escaped from a Singaporean jail, here should be much easier.”

  The next day, after a few stops to the toilet, they reached the final destination.

  “Pff, such irony! We fled from the fucking America, and in the end, we end up there.”

  “Shh, quiet, they are talking about us!” Adolf interrupted.

  “Who are they?”

  “We do not know, yet. All we know is that one of them has presented himself as Adolf Hitler and that they have killed a lot of people. Including "mad dog" Mac Gregory.”

  “Oh, clearly they aren’t joking. Rather unscrupulous they must be!”

  “And pretty fast.”

  “I know it's early, but you owe me a favor. I want to interview them and to do portraits.”

  “Did you hear? This one will make us famous. When we are out of here, we will take him with us to take notes.”

  “Hopefully, their food is good, 'cause I'll faint from hunger,” said the chief.

  The cart continued to slowly move in the square. After nearly 20 minutes, they arrived at the prison. The cowboys put them in different cells with other prisoners.

  “Mother, here is fucking misery!” cried Galfo. “Let's go ho
me.”

  “Amusing,” laughed the guard. “I hope you enjoy the company.”

  In the corner of his cell, shrouded in darkness, was sitting a man whose shadow showed that he was enormous. The figure suddenly moved. It slowly stood up and walked out in the light. Galfonino looked up at the man who was with two heads above him and saw the ugliest bastard someone could imagine. His mouth hardly had more than five teeth. A confused remark came from the Italian, “From which circus did they get you? Ugly bastard! Don’t you know what a dentist is? And how many fucking kilograms are you? Three hundred? How many pigs did you eat for dinner? Why I always get the big bastards?”

  Leo shrugged.

  “You talk too much,” the giant became nervous.

  “Fuck, the bison can speak?” wondered Capone. “Don’t mess with me you fucking carrion because I kill people for fun.”

  While the fat man tried to understand what was happening, a series of punches to the chin came, one flying leg into the head and two shots in the balls. There was only one whimpering sound and the giant collapsed.

  “I told you not to fuck with me!”

  Half an hour later, the reporter appeared to conduct interviews with the gangsters. He had wanted to make individual portraits but was not allowed, so he had to settle for getting only an external description. He began with Leo.

  “What is your name? And please tell me something about yourself.”

  “Clint. I am responsible for those thirty corpses,” said Leo slowly, lying with a hat on his face and crossed legs.

  After this brief answer, the guards moved him to Adolf.

  “You sir, what is your name and what you are responsible for?” smiled the reporter.

  “Bucho!” hissed Hitler. “That is all you need.”

  “Okay, just don’t get angry,” frightened answered the paperboy.

  The next cell was Ernak’s.

  “And you, sir, which one is your tribe? Can you say your name, if it doesn’t bother you too much,” the man was confused by the chief's hair.

  “Michael Jordan. Known also as"Air Jordan". But I'm not Indian, I’m Bulgarian.”

  “Is that in South America?”

  “No, you ignorant fuck!”

  “May I ask why they you call that? For the readers, you know.”

  “Sure. It was given to me when I killed two people with an ax and a knife while jumping from a table.”

  “Impressive! Do you also use pistols?”

  “You don’t need to know!” the chief smiled.

  Finally, the guards moved the scribe to the last cell. At the entrance was laying, stretched out, a huge man.

  “He drank too much!” began Galfo.

  “And your name is...”

  “Frank Morgan.”

  “Frank Morgan?” the paperboy froze. “But you were shot down several years ago. You were one of the fastest gunmen in the West.”

  “You're talking about my dad, God rest his soul, and wasn’t shot, but died of a snakebite.”

  “Last question. Are you quick like your father?”

  “I do not want to brag, but he was too slow for me…”

  Leo barely stood without exploding in laughter.

  A few hours later, dinner was served.

  “What the fuck is this?” scolded Ernak. “It looks like fresh vomit.”

  “At least yours is fresh,” somebody answered from the next cell.

  “That's right!” replied the guard. “Since the new justice system came, they've spoiled the prisoners too much.”

  “I wonder what it was like before?” Leo mused. “Anyway, we aren’t staying for long.”

  “I'm sure!” ironically responded the guard.

  Chapter IX

  The Fucked Up Court Case

  The next day, early in the morning, the guards took them to court. The new edition of the newspaper had come out, and the building was full of people. They had all come to see the unknown gunmen of the West. Several guards made a corridor for passing. The gangsters slowly descended from the transport. Some young girls got crazy like it was a rock concert. Others even gave papers for autographs. Leo winked at some beauty, and Galfonino directly started kissing the wife of the mayor. After nearly fifteen minutes, they managed to get into the courthouse. Outside were the marshal and his deputies to guard the crowd. Dozens escorted the chained criminals.

  The felons sat in front to some unknown Indian.

  “Who the fuck are you?”

  “I'm your lawyer.”

  “We will hang today,” noted Capone, after the man spoke. “I should put the noose around my neck now…”

  “Those crooks have seriously decided to hang us!”

  “The chief sends me,” continued the Indian. “A sign of appreciation for the gold.”

  “Send him our regards.”

  “Please, all rise,” some voice interrupted them.

  The four prisoners slowly rose and buckled a button on their jackets at the same time. Leo had told them this trick. This way people showed respect to the judge.

  “The face of this judge is very familiar,” said Leo.

  “Yeah,” laughed Capone.

  “Please sit down,” said the judge and continued. “Only defendants remain standing. Case, number fifteen this month. You are accused of murder, bribery, attempted bribery, robbery, and attempt at escaping the law. Do you have anything to say in your defense or should we continue with the verdict?”

  “Your Honor, obviously you are not very familiar with the phrase "innocent until proven guilty" and for this, let us first say that we are innocent, and you prove the opposite,” Hitler twirled his mustache and sat smugly.

  “You are aware we are not in Germany, right?” Galfonino asked him.

  “First, I did not allow you to sit,” the judge got angry, “and second when I read your convictions, I will remind you of your words. Now, let’s continue.”

  The judge made a sign to sit.

  “Fucking old man, everything is rigged,” the Italian also got angry.

  “Speak louder, I think there might be someone who didn’t hear you,” interrupted Leo.

  “Exciting,” Ernak, who hadn’t been in court before, rubbed his hands. “In my time, we would have lost our heads a long time ago.”

  “Let's be happy we're not there.”

  A funny middle-aged man with glasses and a wig abruptly rose from his chair and walked slowly to the jury.

  “To briefly explain. These gentlemen here have killed more than thirty-five people in one day. There are witnesses who will confirm it. They used stolen gold. They drank and had fun at the expense of others. I say let’s stop them now when we can. We hanged people before for less,” the lawyer pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and ostentatiously wiped his eyes as if there were tears.

  “This one is good, there is no reason to kid ourselves.”

  “The lawyer for the defense, is there anything to say?”

  “There is, your honor,” the Indian straightened. “These men here are anything but the ruthless killers and thieves they are trying to make them look like. The gold, which they used, was found on their property. I do not deny that there was a small skirmish, but it was forced by the other side. The dead criminals wanted to rob and kill my clients. They just defended themselves, as any of us would do. As my colleague said, witnesses will confirm it. And on the allegations that they were drunk and paid for sex, as far as I know, that isn’t against the law... I have nothing more to say.”

  A beautiful, well dressed, woman, part of the jury, apparently infatuated, stared at Leo without realizing. The Sock winked at her.

  “In your place, I wouldn’t,” the Indian interrupted him just before he managed to send her an air kiss. “That is the daughter of the judge.”

  “There is no point in explaining now,” Galfo also interrupted. “I know his love look. He is probably already imagining how he is fucking her romantically on the sink. He always chooses the worst moments to get horny.�
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  “The prosecution calls for its first witness. Pat is the only one alive from the shootout, aside from the attackers of course.”

  Once he swore an oath and sat in the chair, the lawyer stepped towards him.

  “Please point out the people who killed your friends if they are here in the courtroom. Now, please tell us briefly what happened.”

  “I, my brother and two friends had lunch in the local saloon when those four appeared with two others and began firing directly at us.”

  “Lies!” erupted Leo. “Ho much did they pay you, you dirty bastard? I haven’t seen you in my life.”

  “Please remain calm. One more outburst like this one and I will have you chained.”

  “Everybody died,” continued the cowboy, “only my wounded brother and I managed to survive. I was told to go out and come back in an hour with two thousand dollars, or they would kill him. I didn’t know what to do, so I called my friends. I thought they would be afraid of our numbers, but those bastards didn’t even wait for the negotiations. Everybody died again before we even managed to enter the city.”

  “And you are sure that were these men against you?”

  “Completely!”

  “I don’t have any more questions.”

  The Indian strolled with obvious resentment.

  “Let's assume for a moment that everything you said is true. Why did they enter and start shooting at the bar?”

  “I suppose for the money.”

  “They had thousands of dollars in gold! What would they do with something they already had? But let's leave that aside. You say that everyone died, but you somehow miraculously managed to stay alive, twice! How did that happen?”

  “Good luck, I guess.”

  “You will run out of it pretty soon,” it was Capone who yelled this time.

  “Luck...” continued the lawyer in an attempt to get ahead of the judge, before he interrupted him because of the Italian, “and why has no one seen you nor in the saloon or the city on that day?”