Through Jenna’s Eyes
Page 15
He damn sure didn’t want to get into this. “It’s not about sex, Mom. It’s more.” Okay, he’d said it, and the house behind him didn’t cave in.
“Then, you are most likely in love with her.”
“I didn’t intend to be anything but her friend.”
Lucy clasped his joined hands. “Be her friend, honey. Give her a little more time, but not too much time, then pay her a visit and let her know you want to be there for her. What’s the worst that could happen?”
He knew the answer to that. She’d tell him to get the hell out of her life.
But as it had been with building a successful business, nothing worth having had ever come easily. And Jenna was worth one more try.
He’d give her some time, and then he was going to give her something he’d never given to another woman, not even Helena—his heart.
Chapter Twelve
I’m worried about you, sweetheart.”
The same song and dance from her father she’d endured myriad times over the past two weeks. “I’m going to be all right, Dad. You don’t have to worry.”
“You’re not all right. Jenna. You barely eat. You haven’t been out in days.”
“I went to the eye doctor on Thursday.”
“But you didn’t go to the library to tell the children stories. And I want to know right now what Logan O’Brien did to you to cause you this much distress.”
She leaned her head back in the chair and groaned. “My current state of mind doesn’t have anything to do with Logan.” And that wasn’t completely true. She’d had no idea she could miss someone so much—someone she’d known such a brief time.
“You were fine before you went on that trip. If you hadn’t gone—”
“Then I would have been surprised when the custody documents showed up on the doorstep. At least I was prepared.” Or as prepared as she could have been in light of the situation.
“But you haven’t signed them yet.”
She pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. “No. I haven’t signed them.” Giving up the right to raise a child was no small task. She had to be certain she was willing to go that far in order to ensure her son’s well-being, although the way things stood, she didn’t feel she had an alternative. David had more to offer, and J.D. preferred David over her.
“You need to focus on the good news. We’ve waited so long for you to move to the top of the donor list.”
And that was something else she’d thought about incessantly. Another decision that had weighed her down. “I’m considering being removed from the list.”
“You can’t be serious.”
The alarm in her father’s voice came as no surprise. “Yes. I am.”
“But if you don’t go through with the surgery, you have little chance to retain custody of J.D.”
“I don’t feel I have much of a chance now.” She didn’t feel as if she had any hope left. “Besides, being at the top of the list doesn’t guarantee I’ll have the transplant immediately. It could be years from now.”
“It could be tomorrow.”
“I realize that, but it’s not likely. And the thought that, someday, someone will suffer a tragic accident or irreversible brain damage so I can see again, isn’t pleasant.”
“I don’t understand your attitude, Jenna. You’ve always been a fighter, and now you’re giving up.”
She could understand why he would view it that way. She wasn’t giving up; she was simply resigned to her future. A future without sight, without more children. She could still have a good life. She could still visit J.I), twice a year, maybe more. But would that ever be enough to maintain a relationship with him? “I’m tired. Dad. I want to go to my room and finish an audio book I’ve been listening to.”
“More Italian lessons?”
She hadn’t seen any need for more of those lessons. The European trip seemed as improbable as having J.D. living with her again. “It’s a true-crime novel.”
“Are you going to call John David?”
Oh, how she longed to do that very thing. “No, Dad, I’m not. If he wants to speak with me, he’ll call.”
“He’s three and a half years old, Jenna. He doesn’t know how to make a long-distance call.”
How well Jenna knew that. But when she’d attempted to call the past few nights, all she’d received was voice mail. David had already set the wheels in motion to effectively drive her child out of her life.
Too weary for anger or more revelations, Jenna slid her chair away from the table and hoisted herself up with the cane. “Have a nice night. Dad.”
“I knew when I allowed you to go on that trip with Logan, something like this would happen. I knew he would get what he wanted from you and then toss you aside. He doesn’t realize how special you are and he’s beaten you down. That’s why you’re so depressed.”
Suddenly she wasn’t so tired that she couldn’t get mad. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Dad. Logan was absolutely wonderful during our trip. He gave me space and let me be me the whole time. He knew how much I missed John David and he took me to see him. He’s done nothing wrong.”
“Except for breaking off all ties with you.”
She tightened her grip on the cane. “He didn’t break it off. I did. He’s a good man, Dad. He’s a great man. And he doesn’t deserve to get caught up in my chaotic life.”
When her father failed to respond, for a moment she’d thought he’d left the room and she wished he had when he said, “You’re in love with him.”
Infortunately, that was true. “It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. It’s over between us, and there’s no going back.”
If she had the opportunity, she might take it all back. If she’d known how it was going to turn out. she might have never said yes to the lunch at his parents, the walk in the garden. The camping trip.
But that wasn’t accurate. Regardless that their relationship had been severed, and with good reason, she’d never take back one moment of their time together. And she’d never stop wondering what might have been.
Logan had waited long enough to tell her how he felt about her, but that was about to end. After grabbing the receiver, he pounded out the number he’d dialed numerous times—only, today, he wasn’t about to hang up.
“Fordyce residence.”
Logan recognized the woman’s Eastern European accent from the last time he’d called. “I need to speak to Jenna.” His mother’s lesson on the importance of manners came into play. “Please.”
“May I ask who is calling’?”
He considered withholding that information, then decided honesty was the best policy in this case. Even if it meant Jenna refusing to talk to him. If that happened, he’d keep calling until she finally caved. “Logan O’Brien.”
“One moment, please.”
He waited for what seemed like an eternity before someone finally answered—and that someone wasn’t Jenna.
“My daughter doesn’t want to speak with you, O’Brien.”
Apparently. Avery didn’t, either. Fordyce hadn’t contacted him since their conversation in Tennessee. Fortunately, he hadn’t severed the business ties, either. Not yet, anyway. “Did you ask her if she’d take my call?”
“I don’t have to ask her. She told me last night that the two of you are finished with whatever was going on between you. But, while I have you on the phone, I have something I have to ask you.”
Logan had expected as much. He’d let Avery have his say, hang up and try Jenna’s cell phone. “Fire away.”
“What in God’s name did you say to her to convince her she didn’t need the corneal transplants’?” That he hadn’t seen coming. “I don’t know what in the hell you’re talking about, Avery.”
“At her doctor’s appointment this afternoon, she claims she’s going to request to be taken off the list. And don’t try to tell me you had nothing to do with that decision.”
“Believe me. Avery. That’s the
last thing I would tell her to do.”
“Well, someone wielded some influence. I can’t believe, after all the waiting, she would decide on her own to halt the process.”
Logan couldn’t believe it, either, or he wouldn’t have two weeks ago. But he had a theory on what had changed her mind. “Did she mention her ex-husband’s plan to get full custody of J.D.?”
“Of course she did. The documents came two days ago. If she signs them, it’s a done deal. If she doesn’t she’ll face a court battle. .And if she refuses to correct her vision, she might not win.”
One other key to Jenna’s attitude switch had yet to be broached, and now was a good time for him to bring it up. “If anyone’s partially at fault for Jenna changing her mind, it’s you. Avery.”
“You have a lot of nerve saying that to me.”
He had a lot of nerve making accusations about Jenna and him that he couldn’t prove. “Whether you mean to be a contributing factor or not. you are through your refusal to tell her about her biological mother.”
“I don’t see how that’s relevant or any of your business.”
Logan tightened his grip on the phone and silently rehearsed several oaths. “Jenna has it in her head that her mother gave her up because she had the same disease. She firmly believes that the unselfish thing to do would be to give up J.D. for the same reasons. On some level, I get why she might feel that way, but only if she had no chance to regain her sight.”
Avery sighed. “The transplants carry a risk of rejection and the disease could return in a matter of years, even if the surgery is successful. She could require another transplant if that happens.”
At least some of this was beginning to make sense. “I also suspect she has some heavy-duty guilt over possibly passing the disease on to J.D.”
“According to the eye specialists, we have no way of knowing unless we have an extensive family history.”
“And that brings me back to my point. You’ve got the money and the means to track down Jenna’s mother. Why haven’t you attempted it’?”
“I did several years ago, only to learn she died long before Jenna started having trouble with her vision.”
“Then you know who she is.”
“According to the agency, she was a strung out runaway who lived on the streets of Atlanta. She had no idea who Jenna’s father was and, to this day, that remains a mystery. But I also know she wasn’t blind. She was a lost cause, and that led to her death two years after Jenna was born.”
Avery’s motivation behind concealing the information was much more evident to Logan, and understandable. even if he didn’t agree with his reasoning. “You were trying to protect her.”
“Yes. I was, and I realize now that was probably a mistake.”
“You could rectify that mistake by telling her the facts, before it’s too late to matter.”
“I’m not sure she can handle more bad news.”
Logan would have argued that point the day he met her, but not now. “You can at least assure her that her mother wasn’t blind without getting into all the ugly stuff.”
“I might have a solution to everything. When we brought Jenna home, the agency sent a letter from her mother with her. It’s not pretty, but it does explain why she chose to put Jenna up for adoption and that she’d wanted to keep her, but couldn’t.”
Unbelievable. “She’s never read it’?”
“No I almost gave it to her several times, but I couldn’t brine myself to do it. I didn’t want to hurt her.”
Logan wanted to yell at Avery for not seeing what his daughter needed. “You might hurt her more in the long run if you don’t tell her the truth now.”
“I know. And you might not understand this, Logan, but everything I’ve done for Jenna, I’ve done because I love her, wise or not.”
Logan understood it more than Avery realized. In fact, what he planned to do was a direct result of his love for her—a love he’d tried to deny until his mother’s wisdom had forced him to own up to it. “Where is Jenna now?”
“The place she goes every time she wants to think. Her mother’s garden.”
With the sun on the rise in the midmorning sky, she knew she should go back inside before the rays became intolerable. Yet Jenna continued to sit on the wrought iron bench, immersed in the fragrance of roses and memories of the woman she’d called “Mama.” A woman who may not have given her life, but had provided her with an abundance of love.
Jenna recalled the times she would come to the garden with her mother to play hide-and-seek, a tradition she’d continued with John David not long after he’d learned to walk, while she’d still been able to watch him. Now, more than ever, she longed for her mother’s shoulder to cry on to help alleviate the unshakable loneliness and contusion. Her father was trying, she’d give him that, but it simply wasn’t the same. Although his heart was in the right place, he didn’t understand he couldn’t protect her from everything and that only she could decide what was best for all involved.
The echo of footsteps brought Jenna’s musings to a standstill. Heavy footsteps that led her to believe the approaching party was male with an unknown identity. Her father had surely left for work and the yard crew never came on Tuesdays. Still, Jenna doubted some dangerous intruder had infiltrated the high-tech security system surrounding the estate. “Who’s there?”
“Logan.”
Even if he hadn’t identified himself by name, she would have begun to sense him as he moved closer.
“Mind if I sit down.”
Jenna probably should mind, but she didn’t. She probably should ask him to leave, but she couldn’t. “Be my guest. You can tell me why you’re here.”
He settled in beside her, an obscure image in her ever-failing field of vision. Yet his presence was somehow comforting. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“You could have called.” In spite of what she’d told him when they’d parted, she’d longed for that call, that last little attempt to win her over.
“It’s hard to reach someone by phone when you have a father running interference.”
“You called me’?”
“This morning. Turns out that after your dad insisted you didn’t have anything to say to me. We had a long conversation, at which time he informed me you’re not going through with the transplants.”
Now she understood. He was here because her father had recruited him. “I see. The resident white knight has come to talk me into having a surgery I’m not sure I want to have. There are worse things than being blind, Logan.”
“I agree, particularly if you can’t see the good because you’re too focused on the bad.”
“I only see my life as this series of decisions I can’t seem to make.”
“Then you’re not altogether sure you’re going to cancel the surgery.”
She shook her head. “I’m not sure of much of anything, these days.” Aside from the fact that she’d ached for him day and night. Ached for him even now.
“Just so you know, I didn’t come here to talk you out of anything, Jenna, because it’s not my place to do that, or Avery’s. But I did come here to read you something.”
“Excuse me’?”
“It’s a letter vour father should have given vou a long time ago.”
He’d done nothing to this point to lessen her contusion. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s from your biological mother.”
When Jenna realized that he was about to provide a piece to the puzzle of her past, she ran the emotional gamut—anger, shock, sadness. Perhaps even fear. But she had to know what she’d yearned to know for years. “Go ahead. I’m listening.”
“Dear, baby girl,
Today, I’m going to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m going to give you to strangers. I can’t keep you because I’m only seventeen and I don’t have a job. Your dad is a nice boy, but he went back to his home to Kansas. I can’t go home because I’ve never really had one.
Logan paused to clear his throat, letting Jenna know he wasn’t unaffected by the content, either.
“… I also know that every day of my life, I’m going to hate myself for not having the guts to try harder. But I promise I’ll think about you all the time and I’ll always love you. no matter what.
Please forgive me. Your real mom. Carol Anne.”
She now had a name to go with the face of a mother she’d only imagined—Carol Anne.
The onslaught of tears prevented Jenna from speaking. Tears for the mother she’d never known, a woman who’d barely been a child when she’d given birth to her. A woman who, for some reason, had never known love.
Logan held her close to his side, providing that much-needed crying shoulder. And as she began to regain some composure, more questions rolled around Jenna’s murky mind. “Why now. Logan? Why not ten years ago when I first asked him about her’? Or four years ago when I was pregnant with JD.?”
“Avery didn’t want you to know that your biological mother was a child from an abusive family who ran away from several group homes. Her life was a mess, Jenna, until the day she died from a drug overdose, two years after your birth.”
Jenna had wrongly believed that she could not suffer any more shock today. “I’ll never have the chance to meet her and I have no way of knowing if she had the disease, or if she was only a carrier.”
“You do know she didn’t give you up because she was blind,” Logan said. “You also know that, had she lived, she would have regretted the decision. Do you really want to risk doing the same thing if you let David have full custody of your son?”
Jenna could see quite clearly where this was heading. “None of this changes my situation with J.D.. Logan. David can still give him things that I can’t.”
“He can’t love him more than you do, Jenna. And Ginger can’t replace you as his mother, even if you’re thinking that’s what your adopted mother did. The difference is. you never knew your biological mother. J.D. knows you. and I don’t care what you say, he hasn’t forgotten you. And he won’t unless you take yourself out of his life.”