Flawed

by Sara Hubbard

  Alice is at the cash register and I quietly hand the reins over to her. She looks unhappy about it, but there is really nothing I can do. She and May will forgive me later. I’d do the same for them.

  “Something wrong?” Alice asks, her thin, pale eyebrows drawn together.

  “Jack.”

  “Oh. Again?”

  I nod as I remove my apron, tossing it on the back counter. Agnes and Darlene stare at me as I hurry past them and I’m sure they’re going to have their noses pushed up to the glass when I speed off. I’ve had too many rumors circulated about my family over the last ten years on account of my cheating dad who ran off with the town Vet’s wife. I don’t need them talking in hushed voices around me while they whisper about Jack, too.

  The air is cool and bites at my skin. I zip up my sweater, pull a hat out of my pocket, and pull it down over my head. Damn you, Jack. It’s been hard enough since Mom died without him acting out. Quiet and shy up until over a year ago, I never imagined he’d take such a detour in his life. It makes me sad, honestly, because he could do so much better. He graduated at the top of his class for crying out loud and I don’t want him stuck in this town like I am. Or worse. Behind bars, alone and miserable like I’m sure Niko was. I don’t want that for Jack. Seeing it happen to Niko was already too much for me.

  The police station isn’t far. Maybe a ten-minute drive, but I get there in five minutes. Ginny is at the front desk, filing her nails. She doesn’t stop when she sees me. She holds up two containers of shellac. “Pink or blue?” She frowns up at me, as she glances back and forth between them.

  I give them a cursory glance. “Pink.”

  “I think so, too.” She sets the blue one down and starts to unscrew the pink.

  “Ginny, where’s my brother?”

  “Oh, don’t you worry. Liam’ll be out in a minute.” She splays one hand on her desk and carefully begins painting the nail on her index finger. I watch a moment while I wait until my gaze starts to roam the space behind her. A half-dozen desks sit empty. A fern that looks like it hasn’t been watered since the dark ages reaches out to obscure the face of one of the many file cabinets along the west-facing wall. Where is everyone? When I was a kid, I remember there was always cops driving around town or participating in events. I can only name three people on the payroll here now. There’s no wonder the Kosh family has such a stronghold in this county. I’m curious what role Niko will now play in their business. Once upon a time, he wanted to walk away from them. Is that still his plan? I hope, for his sake, it is.

  The door to the back swings open and Liam saunters through, head up, chest out. Even in high school, he was a confident guy. I can’t fault him for it. He wears his uniform well. The pants are fitted to skim his narrow hips, but then they widen in a straight cut down to his black boots. His sleeves are rolled up, accentuating his curved biceps. I swear he must work out, although he claims he doesn’t. I can even see the muscles that run vertical down the sides of his neck to reach his broad shoulders. His curly hair is trimmed and neat and his eyes are golden under the florescent lights.

  He frowns when he sees me and I feel a stab of guilt. I hurt Liam and I don’t like to admit that to myself, because I don’t want to hurt anyone—ever. Liam’s kind, and as a boyfriend he was sweet, attentive and loyal. He simply lacked one very big thing—he wasn’t Nikolai Kosh. Everything comes back to Niko. Always. And it’s pretty hard not to hate him for how badly he hurt me.

  “Come on back, Ivy,” he says. His tone is soft, understanding. I follow him into the separate office off to the right. Once we’re inside, he draws the curtains and I notice before they roll shut that Ginny has taken to watching us.

  “I can’t believe he got arrested.” I let out a deep breath and feel completely deflated. Jack has been headed in this direction for a while now and I couldn’t stop him. Would Mom be disappointed in both of us if she could see us?

  Liam sighs and sits on the edge of the cluttered desk in the middle of the room. He folds his arms across his chest, his sleeves straining from his biceps.

  “I’m sure it’s a shock. He’s always been a good kid.”

  “Was. Until Mom got sick. And now he’s hanging around with Hayley Fergus and her brother, Brent. I don’t have to tell you how much trouble those kids are, especially that girl.” I toss my hands up and feel like throttling someone.

  Liam raises an eyebrow. “Trouble can be pretty attractive sometimes,” he says softly and I know we’re no longer talking about Jack.

  I sigh and take a seat. I don’t have the strength for his conversation and Liam and I have been over for a while now, so it feels wrong to hash things out all over again. “I’m sorry,” is all I can manage.

  “I don’t want an apology,” his voice rises a hair, but he catches himself and closes his eyes and takes a moment before he continues. “Just wanted to give you some perspective. Maybe you can use your experiences to help him and to explain to him why this path he’s headed down isn’t going anywhere.”

  I know he’s trying to help but his words sting me a little, especially now that Nikolai is back. He was everything to me once upon a time—though we come from different worlds and couldn’t be more opposite. I tell myself I hate him and I desperately want to… But the truth is that when I’m alone and the world is quiet, I have thoughts of him and what could have been. No one loved me liked he loved me. Intense and all-consuming. If you asked my seventeen-year-old self who I would marry, I would have said Nikolai. Without an ounce of hesitation. So I understand the allure of a bad boy—or girl, in Jack’s case. I just can’t be sure of this girl’s intentions toward Jack. I don’t see love there. Not in the way she talks to him or looks at him. It all seems kind of casual. I’d hate for him to throw his life away for someone—especially someone who doesn’t love him back.

  “And just so you know,” Liam begins. “Jack’s partner in crime was a guy, not a girl. So I’m not sure if this girl really has anything to do with what happened last night.”

  I’m not so sure.

  “Jack’s in the back.”

  “This isn’t happening.” I let out a sigh and take a breath to collect myself. “Arrested. For theft.” All I can do is shake my head.

  “The owner isn’t pressing charges, you’ll be happy to know.”

  I’m about to heave a sigh of relief, but Liam’s frown stops me. “So why do you look like you’re about to tell me my dog died?”

  He pauses, shuffles on his feet. “The owner of the equipment Jack stole is Yuri Kosh.”

  I feel like I’ve kicked in the gut, all the oxygen escaping my lungs in one swift burst. “Perfect.” Yuri is like the Godfather of Farnham Cross. He also happens to be Niko’s uncle. A thin layer of sweat forms on my brow. Of all the people he could steal from, why did it have to be him? This isn’t life changing, it’s life ending.

  “We located the equipment and returned it but you know what Yuri is like. You and Jack need to be careful until this blows over.”

  Blows over? He and I both know this won’t blow over. I’m sure the reason Yuri isn’t pressing charges is because he wants to settle the score on his own. That spells big trouble for Jack unless I can convince Yuri to show Jack mercy. I might as well ask the Pope to endorse the devil. Yuri would never help me, not unless there was something in it for him and I can only imagine how steep the price tag would be. I could ask Niko for help. If he ever cared for me, he’d do it. I’d do it for him. But I don’t want to go and ask Niko for help. It’s not about swallowing my pride or anything remotely close to that. I just don’t imagine anything good will come of it.

  I stand, ready to see my brother, but Liam holds up his hand. “One last thing.”

  “Oh, dear God. What else could there be?”

  He looks deep in thought and I’m about to prompt him to continue when he says, “It might not be a bad thing, considering.”

  Is he talking to himself? I close my eyes and take a breath, rolling my hand th
rough the air. “Just give it to me. I can take it.”

  Liam scoots back a bit and turns on an angle so one leg is still touching the floor, but the other is bent and slightly resting on his desk. “Nikolai got out of jail last week.” The words hang in the air. He watches me closely, as if waiting to assess my reaction. It saddens me he still cares for me like he does. I wish he’d find a girl who cares about him as much as he cares about her. I wish that girl could have been me. Life would be much simpler.

  “I know he’s back,” I say quietly.

  “Oh.” He seems genuinely shocked that this isn’t news to me. “Are you…okay?”

  “Because of Yuri?” I say, still thinking about Jack.

  “Yeah…and because of Niko.”

  I groan in frustration and let out a small chuckle. If I don’t laugh, I’m going to cry, and that’s the last thing Liam needs from me. This last year has been hell. Mom dying and me barely making the bills after selling Mom’s house to cover her medical and funeral costs. Then Jack acting out and stealing from the damned town mob. Now Niko’s back and he acts like he wants…I don’t know what the hell he wants. All I know is I want to hate him and I can’t. And now, instead of steering clear of him while I sort through my thoughts, I have to go and ask for his help. This is just perfect.

  “Niko would never hurt me.”

  “In case you’ve forgotten, he did hurt you. A lot.” He pushes his sleeves up a little more and his muscles bulge as his nostrils flare. After taking a deep breath, he adds, “Not to mention he’s a convicted felon of a violent offense.”

  “You know why he did what he did.” Even as the words leave my mouth, Liam raises an eyebrow at me. Yes, he’s not telling me anything I don’t already know. Growing up the way Niko did, I don’t know why I was surprised when he reacted to Claire’s attack so violently. Violence was all he ever saw growing up.

  “You and I both know he went off the rails,” Liam says. “Six years. That’s laughable. In medium security. I can’t even imagine who was involved in getting the DA to offer that deal.”

  “A man Claire rejected beat her up and set her on fire. How would you have reacted if that was your sister?” I don’t mean to be snarky with him, but it bothers me that he can’t show Niko an ounce of understanding. “They offered him that deal because the men and women on his jury would have had a tough time convicting a man for what he did when they saw pictures of Claire.”

  I hang my head and close my eyes. I was there the night in the hospital when Claire passed away. I didn’t even recognize her. Her body was wrapped in bandages, her eyes singed shut. Her hair singed in tight against her scalp. To this day, I can’t forget the smell of burned flesh when I think of her. It makes me sick to my stomach that someone could do that to another human being, and it’s the reason why I never judged Niko for what he did.

  Liam approaches me, gently placing a hand on my shoulder. “A guy like that is capable of anything, when pushed. You need to remind yourself of that when he tries to see you. Because I won’t be surprised if he does.”

  “He already did.”

  “What?” He takes his hand away from me, like my skin scorched him.

  “Nothing. I shouldn’t have said anything. It was just the once and I haven’t seen him since.”

  “You want me to talk to him?” Liam says, his voice suddenly cold.

  I laugh. “And say what? No. I told you, he won’t hurt me.” Not ever again.

  “Ivy, I still care for you,” Liam says. “I know you don’t feel the same, and that’s fine. I’ve moved on. But don’t think for a second that he wouldn’t do that to someone else, for reasons much less understandable. It’s his nature. Always has been. The whole bunch of those Koshes are the same. Savages.”

  I chew on that, literally, as I bite my nails. I’ve had this conversation with myself over and over since I first let Niko into my life. But he doesn’t know Niko like I know him. There is good inside of him. I’ve seen it. I just wish the world had seen him like I did. Maybe things might have turned out differently for him, instead of him turning out the way people expected him to. A criminal, just like his dad and the rest of his family. It’s so ironic considering everything Niko and I planned. He didn’t want this life. He wanted to be better, to be a man his mother and sister and I could be proud of. And I wanted to help him. Then fate stepped in and forced his hand. And now Jack is headed down the same path.

  “He’s not my biggest concern,” I say softly. And he’s not. Right now, I need to save my brother from himself. And God damn him, I’ll have to save him from Yuri Kosh too.

  4

  NIKO: I stashed all my money in the back woods behind Mom’s old house before I got arrested. This morning I get up early to go and get it back after a week of being unable to get a job. I don’t want to use it; it was only meant for emergencies, but I guess this qualifies.

  Mom moved out of this house a year or so after I was incarcerated. She didn’t leave a forwarding address. Vik still works for Yuri and I was behind bars, so I guess she decided to write us both off. I wish she didn’t feel that way, but I want her to be happy and if she’s happier without me, then…I guess I don’t want to wreck that. Doesn’t mean her rejection don’t sting, though. It’s just another knife in my stomach.

  A new family lives here now, one that seems to be much happier than mine was. I sit in the bushes with a shovel in hand, watching them through the back window. A man comes up behind a woman and puts his arms around her waist while he kisses her neck. Then a young girl sidles up beside them. A picture perfect family. That’s what it looks like. I always wanted that. I’d never admit it to a soul, of course. But I did. And I imagined having it with Ivy. I almost believed it possible, but over the years, I’ve come to realize nothing is permanent. People always leave, whether they want to or not. It was only a matter of time before Ivy left me too. And there’s no chance she’ll take me back now. Last thing she said to me at the restaurant last week was a polite, “See you around.” She might as well have told me to go fuck myself.

  I don’t know what I expected from her. A happy reunion was never in the cards. I knew that—deep down. Doesn’t mean I didn’t hope for something different, though. Seeing her reminded me how much I loved her. How much I still do, which made it even worse when she told me she never thinks about me anymore. I’m pretty sure she meant it. Even if she didn’t, there’s no getting over what I did to her. I lost her. And I need to get used to that fact.

  The family comes out of the house. Their laughter carries back here by the treeline. When the sound of their tires on the dirt road dulls, I make for the dying oak tree along the border of pines. There are trees on all sides of the house and no neighbors nearby, so I don’t have to worry about nosy neighbors, but I don’t want to be over confident. With my luck, someone will barrel up the driveway to come and visit.

  I dig quickly, wiping sweat from my brow. I dressed too warmly. The sun is shining and I dressed for winter. This fucking province. Sunny one day and snowing the next. About five feet down my shovel clanks when it hits metal. I yank the half-unearthed metal box from the ground and shake away the dirt and debris. Inside, I find ten thousand dollars in fifty and one hundred-dollar bills. Some of it Dad gave to me before he went away, and the rest I earned working for Yuri. This should keep me going for a little while. As long as I’m smart about it. I’d rather not use it all. I’d prefer to save some for a rainy day. So that means I’ll still need to get a job if I’m going to have any kind of life.

  When I get back to the cabin, I toss the money on the bed. I remove a couple of fifties and tuck them into my brown leather wallet before shoving it in the back pocket of my jeans. Then I head into town and buy myself a shirt, tie, and some pants. Job hunting in jeans just isn’t cutting it.

  First time I’ve ever bought dress clothes like this. My mom bought me that kind of stuff when I was growing up, but I never wore it. I was only ever comfortable in jeans and cotton shirts. A hoodie u
sed to be my staple. A faded gray one with little holes at the end of the sleeves. But all my clothes are gone now. Vik said Mom tossed them when she left town. That was years ago now, and her last words are just as sharp now as they were when she delivered them to me on the other side of a Plexiglas wall in jail. ‘I’ve already done this dance, son,’ she said. ‘Maybe if I hadn’t lost Claire, I could have tried to help you through this, but with Claire gone…I’m empty. Your dad chose this life and I turned a blind eye, foolishly thinking he’d change. He never did and neither will you or your brother.’

  I haven’t seen her since. I should miss her but I don’t. After Dad left, she was never the same. Always a little hostile toward me and Vik. And I wouldn’t have noticed her resentment so much if she didn’t dote so heavily on Claire.

  It was after that last time I saw Mom that I broke things off with Ivy. Ivy came to the jail, tears in her eyes, noticeably thinner, her clothes and hair unkempt, and I could see what loving me did to her. So I did what my mother did. I told her I was done and I walked away. Even as she banged on the glass and screamed my name, I refused to turn around. And when she tried contacting me through letters and e-mail, they were deleted or returned to sender.

  I thought I’d get over her.

  I didn’t. And hurting her so spectacularly only added to the list of things I regretted as months turned to years.

  I take one last look in the mirror. I’ve trimmed my unruly beard close to my face, and I’ve slicked back my hair in an attempt to look more presentable. I still look like the old me, though. Vik’s words are like a whisper in my ear. ‘People like us don’t change.’ Maybe he’s right. I can play dress-up all I want, but am I really any different? Maybe not. At least I’m trying. I feel like I deserve a bit of credit for that.