Flawed

by Sara Hubbard

  “You’ve broken promises before, Niko.”

  “That was before.”

  “Before?” she says, her question hanging in the air between us. Seconds pass and I try and find the words. I stare at my hands, focusing on the scar on my thumb that I got from doing tricks on my bike was I still a kid. When I eye her from my peripheral, she waits with a raised eyebrow, growing impatient.

  “What changed?” she says to prod me.

  Me. That’s what I want to tell her. But I don’t know how to say that in a way she’d understand. I could tell her it was all for her—I used to believe that—but I don’t know anymore. It had more to do with the numbness I felt after Claire’s death and then my mom rejecting me. Pain and insecurity. I expected Ivy to leave too, instead of trusting her and what we had.

  “Don’t break any more.”

  I nod slowly as I raise my hand up to hold the tip of her chin. I force her eyes to meet mine. She swallows hard. Then, before I know it, she’s scooting across the couch so she sits so close to me I can feel the warmth of her skin beneath her clothes. She dips her head and leans in so her head rests against my chest.

  “I knew you’d help me,” she says softly as she hugs me. “I just knew it.”

  I rub her back, moving my hand over her in slow, gentle circles before dropping my chin to rest on the top of her head. My heart is beating out of my chest, thrumming to the beat of a runner in the middle of a marathon. It’s been too long since I’ve been close to a woman, and this woman, in particular. I want her too much to let her walk away from me now. I close my eyes and let out a breath and when she leans her head back, I stare into those beautiful big eyes of hers, at her full lips that are barely parted and her golden, silky hair. This girl. She’s got me all torn up inside and I don’t know which way is up.

  I inch forward, testing the waters to see if she’ll accept me. When she holds my gaze, I close my eyes again and touch my lips to hers. She stills. I open my eyes and see her looking back at me, hurt in her eyes. And then all of a sudden she leans back in and kisses me hard, letting out a quiet moan before she crawls into my lap.

  8

  IVY: When he tells me my brother is safe, relief washes over my body and I release a huge breath, relieving the tightness in my chest that’s plagued me since Liam told me what Jack had done. Niko’s broken promises before and we both know that. Once upon a time, he promised to love me forever. At seventeen, he even put a promise ring on my finger. Down by the lake, not far from where we sit right now. Most girls weren’t thinking about forever in high school and I hadn’t thought about it either, but when he held out that ring, with a tiny diamond in the middle, I didn’t hesitate to jump into his arms. Marriage, family, and forever seemed right with him. He was going to finish school and get a job separate from his family and I was going to go to college. But then his sister was brutally attacked and he did what everyone expected of him, except me. He beat the guy who hurt Claire so badly that he was admitted to ICU in critical condition and spent months there before getting released and disappearing from town. Then, soon after going to jail, Niko cut all ties with me.

  Now, as he leans in and presses his soft, warm lips to mine, I go rigid. A battle wars in my mind as I’m torn between need and reason. I should lean away and tell him this isn’t a good idea. In fact, with everything going on, this is a terrible idea. Never mind the added baggage of our history.

  His leans away from me, but stays close. I hear him breathe quietly and smell his earthy scent. The taste of his lips is making me dizzy. My eyes flutter open and his sad, dark eyes meet mine. His brow furrows and I see the disappointment behind his eyes, but there is something beyond that. Sadness. It cuts through any resolve I have left. It’s been too long since I’ve seen him vulnerable like this. And it’s also been too long since I felt anything more than affection for another man. Like gravity, he pulls years of dormant emotions to the surface. Love. Passion. Intensity. He makes me feel these in spades.

  I jump from my seat and straddle his legs. I slide my arms over his broad shoulders and skim over the warm bare flesh on his neck before tangling my fingers in his unruly, coarse hair. I lower my hips to rest my sweet spot next to his growing cock, our clothes suddenly a very unwelcome barrier. He groans before tasting my neck and the sensitive area just behind my ear. My breath hitches as my stomach clenches. I feel my wet desire soak my panties. His chest heaves against me and I squirm, pushing harder against him. I try and control my breathing as I tip my forehead forward to meet his. I lower my hands over his back and glide them up again before feeling the curves of new muscle he’s built since I last touched him.

  My back arches as his hands grip my legs. After a low groan, he squeezes them and dares to splay his fingers, gliding them up my thighs until they are dangerously close to my entrance. Then they continue exploring, wrapping around my ass. With one swift yank, he draws me in closer and his erection is hard against me.

  He whispers something and I strain to hear, but can’t make out his words.

  “What did you say?” I whisper in his ear.

  “I missed you,” he says, his voice only a fraction louder.

  When he says those words, I feel like I can fly and that ache in my gut and between my legs consumes me. My body is filled with heat and electricity, the current spreading from my core and returning to settle deep in my gut. His rough hands are in my hair; his lips are so hard on mine they may just bruise. His tongue reaches out to touch mine. My eyes roll back behind my closed lids and I sink down lower on his cock, grinding myself against him. His hands return to my ass to pull me even closer. He swallows my moans with his kisses. Then he nudges me from his lap and stands, reaching out for my hand. When I’m standing tall, breathing so heavy I almost feel embarrassed, he grabs me and lifts me so I can wrap my legs around his waist.

  “Niko,” I say, breaking away from his lips.

  He takes the opportunity to trail kisses along the curve of my jaw to my neck and I lock my legs harder around his middle, pressing myself in tight against his cock. “It’s been too long,” he says, his voice heavy.

  Oh God. My brain turns back on, just for a moment. I should say no. I should shout out the words and tell him he can’t have me after breaking my heart, but this is just too good to refuse. So why deny myself? I think about a million reasons why this can’t happen again, but I’m too wild with need to tell him to stop.

  He lowers me to the fur rug by the fireplace. When I’m lying down by the fire, the logs crackling and the light a soft orange, I stare up at him. I’m near tears. I missed him so much. Not just this, but his face, his dark but soft eyes and the way he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen.

  He reaches down and lays his rough hand against my face and I turn and kiss his palm. My stomach is alive with butterflies. They’re better than I remember them. People in movies talk about this feeling and I used to feel like it was bullshit, but here I am, enjoying the sensation so delicious and sweet I can’t help but grin.

  He leans down, still touching my face. When he’s in close, his breath in my face, his intense eyes hold mine. I fight hard not to look away. I don’t know why he left me all those years ago, but I know when he looks at me now it wasn’t because he didn’t love me. Maybe one day he’ll explain, but right now I want this as bad as he does. And I fear it will end if we ruin it with conversation.

  “Ivy,” he says softly.

  “Not now,” I say. “I want this. Please.”

  He nudges my knees apart and settles between my legs. I grip his shirt and pull it up and over his head. I run my hand over the tattoo on his shoulder and down his arm: a branch of ivy, snaking around his bicep through a maze of other artwork. Once upon a time, he joked about tattooing my name on his arm and I said, ‘Don’t you dare. It’s bad luck.’ Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought it would jinx us. So instead, he had something tattooed on his arm that was unmistakably meant for me.

  He presses
a gentle kiss to my lips and I unbutton his jeans, dipping my hand under his underwear to grip his hard, thick cock. He’s bigger than I remember and the feel of him as he throbs under my hand is more than I can bear.

  A frenzy takes over him and he begins pulling at my clothes and stripping me bare. As I lay there underneath him, naked and vulnerable, he hovers over me. Now I can’t look him in the eye. But he won’t let me look away. He grips my chin and says, “Always look at me. I want to see those beautiful eyes looking back at me when I make you come.”

  I’ve never been one for dirty talk, but damn, the way he talks to me is so soft and lustful. His voice is pure sex. I push up against him and he responds by pushing back. I grip his jeans and pull them down. He kicks them to the side and then thrusts against me, rubbing his hard cock against my tender flesh. It almost makes me sore, but in a good way. Gentle is nice, but Niko can play a little rough and I’ve always liked that about him. And I want him so bad right now that I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

  He brushes my hair out of the way. “Six years,” he says, his cheeks flushing. “If we don’t go slow, I won’t last.”

  “I don’t need you to last,” I say after letting out a quiet moan. “I just want you deep inside of me.”

  He practically growls as he presses against my entrance.

  He doesn’t ask me if I’m on the pill—which thankfully I am. He doesn’t debate a condom, so I feel the need to ask.

  “Do we need protection?”

  He chuckles. “There’s been no one since you.”

  He hovers at my entrance, and I grip his ass and pull him forward. He dips the tip in, stretching me, while letting out a moan. If hurts a little but l like it and I want more. I push more, thrusting against him until he’s all the way to the hilt. His breath is heavy and in my ear. He kisses my lobe. “I missed you so much.” This time those words are almost desperate.

  I pull back and grip him, trying to pull him in again. But he resists. I know he wants this to last, but I don’t care. I’ve dreamed about this for such a long time and I want it all and fast. “Don’t stop. Please.”

  He leans back and stares at us connected, reaching down to feel my bare pussy. As his fingers skim my flesh, my eyes roll back and my pussy clenches around him, making him sigh as his eyes become dreamy. He withdraws and pushes in again, watching. It’s so hot I’m tingling. And my pussy starts to ache and throb, the sensation building. It gets him worked up too and his movements pick up. He pumps into me, over and over, harder and harder. I feel my release coming and I pant as he moves, until my body explodes and trembles. He finds his soon after, driving into me hard and then pausing before softly thrusting two more times. He pulls out and collapses on top of me. I let out a satisfied sigh and he turns his head to watch me. I meet his eyes and wordlessly I tell him how much I missed this. How much I missed him. He touches my face, his thumb stroking my cheek. My eyelids close and I let myself drift, all the while he tickles my arm, lightly sliding his fingers across my flesh, helping me to sleep.

  It’s still dark when I wake. The fire has died and the embers burn a deep shade of orange. Niko is flat on his back beside me, his arm stretched out with my head on his bicep. I turn to look at him and find him sleeping soundly. Not a single noise. He was always a quiet sleeper. Not like me. I toss and turn and I’ve been told I snore. Lightly, mind you, but still. I watch him as he sleeps, his nose flaring every now and then, his full lips parted, his dark lashes so long they almost hit his cheeks. Even with that beard, he has me mesmerized.

  I sit up and cover my bare chest with my arms. Thankfully, it’s still warm, but I am feeling a bit shy lying next to him like this. I grab my shirt and toss it over my head before looking around for my bra. He stirs and his eyelids flutter before opening. He looks at me with his sleepy, hooded eyes and smiles.

  “I liked you better with your top off.”

  “I’ll bet.” I nudge his leg with my toe.

  “Are you leaving?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  He grins and shakes his head. “I’m ready for round two.”

  I reach down and touch his face lightly before standing up straight again. “I need to get home. Need to check on Jack and let him know everything will be okay.” I pause a moment and lift an eyebrow. “He’s okay, right?” Worry needles my chest. I want to believe Niko will take care of this, and I think he will, but I can’t help but feel a shadow of doubt.

  Niko sits up and props his elbows on his knees. “No one will touch him. You have my word.”

  I lean over and press a kiss to his lips and a bit of his facial hair tickles my lip. I scratch it and make a face when I lean away.

  “Are you sure you can’t stay?” He wraps a hand around the back of my neck, massaging me and making my body want to go limp and welcome him again.

  “I really can’t.”

  “All I need is ten minutes. That’s really not a whole lot of time in the grand scheme of things.” He smiles wickedly

  I punch his chest playfully. “You’re optimistic. It’s more like three,” I tease. Last night thankfully took much longer. Although I never kept track, I have zero complaints. Last night was…memorable. And exactly the reason why I found it so hard to get over him when he pushed me away.

  He laughs at me. “I was practically a virgin last night, it’d been so long.”

  “You? A virgin? Don’t make me laugh.” I rise to my feet and pull at the hem of my shirt so he’s not eye level with my lady bits. After wiggling around a bit, to his amusement, I reach my pants and underwear and pull them on. He watches me and my cheeks burn. “Stop it.” I pick up an old striped pillow from the couch and toss it at him.

  “What am I doing?”

  “Making me self-conscious.”

  “You got nothing to be self-conscious of. I could stare at that body all day if you’d let me.”

  “You just said yourself you’re sex-deprived. I don’t think you’re all that picky right now.”

  “Only one face and one body I saw in jail when I closed my eyes. One smile. One set of big blue eyes. Now you’re not going to let me enjoy it.”

  I stop and stare back at him. I gave into desire and lingering emotions last night. I probably shouldn’t have. But given the year I’ve had, and how lonely I’ve been…last night reminded me I’m still alive and I want someone in my life again. I just don’t know if I can get past how badly he hurt me. I worry it’ll only happen again. Only I’d deserve it this time for letting him back in. What I want doesn’t make sense and it makes me feel weak to give in to him so easily.

  I pad across the floor to stop in front of him. I’m overcome with emotion as I try and find the courage to talk about things that matter. A lump builds in my throat and I swallow it down. Finding my voice is so hard.

  He moves his legs apart and reaches out to grab my thighs and pull me closer. Then he wraps his arms around my legs and rests his head against me, sighing. Any courage I have is gone. I run my hand through his hair. When he looks up at me, that’s when my bravery returns. He’s open right now and it’s like he wants to talk but he’s struggling as hard as I am.

  “What do you want from me?”

  “I thought that was obvious.”

  I chew on my lip before saying, “I need you to spell it out.”

  Quietly, he groans. But I don’t care if pushing him makes him uncomfortable. I’m not willing to careen toward him if he’s not straight up with me. He pulls me down to the floor to sit beside him, facing him. We sit with our legs crossed and with my hand on one of his.

  “All I thought about in jail was you.”

  I look down, shaking my head. “I don’t believe you. That makes no sense, when you pushed me away like you did.”

  He massages my shoulder. When he speaks, his words are soft and they sound sincere. “It’s the truth.”

  “Then tell me why you did it.”

  “It’s hard to explain.”

  “Try. Because w
hat happened between us last night was a one-time thing, unless you can help me get past it.”

  “I’m not good at this stuff, Ivy. You know that. I had a long list of things I wanted to say to you, but now you’re here in front of me I can’t remember a single goddamn one of them.” He clears his throat and the room is silent except for the tree branches scratching the house with the wind.

  I stare at him, willing to wait as long as it takes him to spit it out.

  “Ivy…it don’t matter anymore. I still want you and I know you still want me.”

  “That’s not good enough.”

  He scoffs at me. “Fuck. I did what I thought was right. You were so sad and I hated seeing you like that. I thought if I broke it off you’d be able to move on. I…I wanted you to be happy.”

  “Happy? I was fucking miserable. You had no right to force that on me.”

  “For the first time in my life I did something unselfish.”

  “Unselfish?” I say, before moving to my feet. “You did it for you, because it hurt you to see me like that. If you cared about me at all, you would have given me a choice. You took that from me. So instead of me suffering with you, I suffered alone. And when I needed you the most…when my mom died…

  “I should have been there. I know that. And it’s one of the many things I need to make peace with.”

  He stands up now, reaching out to take my hand.

  I swallow down the lump in my throat, but my voice sounds hoarse as I choke out things I’ve let fester inside. “You can’t imagine the things I thought. My mind was wild, thinking you didn’t want me anymore, that you’d given up on us, or that you didn’t think I was worth the effort of trying.”

  He tries to pull me into his arms but I take a step back, needing space to give me the strength to say all I need to.

  “Ivy…it wasn’t like that at all.”

  “I wouldn’t know. You chose to push me away instead of talking to me, but I realize now, that’s the way things were between us because I let you keep your secrets. I never pushed you to share more than what was comfortable.” I lick my lips and keep going before I lose my nerve. “I think there’s more to our breakup than what you’re telling me.”