Flawed

by Sara Hubbard

  “You’re unbelievable.” I say and take a step back and pace the room. “You broke my trust before and I was willing to give you a second chance and I’m starting to wonder if that was a mistake. How am I supposed to believe you when you tell me Jack is safe, when Brent might be dead!”

  “I never promised I’d save Brent. Just Jack.”

  “Oh, my God.” My hands grip my hair. I shake my head and feel like my world is crumbling beneath me. Is he saying what I think he’s saying? “Tell me you had nothing to do with it?”

  He stays quiet as he slowly slinks toward me, staring at his feet.

  “Niko?” Dear God, no.

  His eyes flash up, his face pained and suddenly aging with frown lines. Why won’t he deny it? But I know why. He can’t. I drop my head into my hands and a sob rocks my body. He tries to pull my hands away, to take them in his, but instead I lean forward and drop my head to his chest as he wraps his arms around me.

  “You’re killing me right now, babe. I never wanted to make you hurt…or make you cry.” His hands find my face and he tips my head up with a single finger to my chin. He wipes away my tears with his thumb.

  “Tell me he made you,” I say, although I’m not sure if that makes what he did better.

  “If it was just about me, I would tell you, but it’s not.”

  “Vik?” He’s the only other person Niko would protect. “Did Vik do this? Were you there?”

  “I can’t.”

  “Was that body Brent’s?” I ask.

  His face tightens and he nods, just once. I push away and lower myself to a chair. He inches forward and then crouches down in front of me. He puts his hands on my knees and slides them up my thighs to hold my hands. I don’t know what to do with myself. Cry, scream, run, curl up in a little ball. I don’t want to love him. Loving him is so damn hard. Even back in high school. His family always came between us, even after he wanted to leave them behind. Why couldn’t I just love Liam? We dated, we went to dinner and movies, we’d watch movies on the couch. I could go to bed with him and fall asleep while he held me and I never had to worry about people trying to kill us or his crazy family forcing him to commit crimes. It was satisfying. Easy. Safe. I was happy most of the time. I stare deep into Niko’s sad eyes and drop my head as I run my fingers through my hair.

  “Ivy…I can’t tell you what happened. But I want you to know that everything I’ve done has been to make sure you’re happy and you’re safe.”

  Oh, God. Hot tears rim my eyelids and start to fall as I blink rapidly. They slide down my cheeks. Bile crawls up my throat, the acid taste harsh in my dry mouth. He’s confirming my suspicions, and the weight of that is like a vice squeezing tight around my chest. I can barely breathe. All of this drama…this craziness…began when I asked for his help. I am partly to blame and this realization is ugly and heart wrenching and it makes me hate myself. For what I’ve driven him to when he wanted to be better. Before he left me, I tried to help him leave this life and now I’ve pushed him toward it.

  “Ivy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “He made you?”

  He scrunches up his face and purses his lips like he’s physically unable to speak.

  “Was this the cost for Jack’s life?” I say through shaky breaths. “He made you kill Brent?”

  “Knowing the truth won’t help you get through this.”

  “So, I’m right?” Everything hurts and I don’t know what to do or what to say, because nothing can make this right. Jack told me not to go to Niko. He asked me to run with him and I refused. This is my fault. Of course, Niko would do what he had to do to protect Jack and me, even if it meant selling his soul. He still holds so much guilt for Claire.

  “This is all on me,” I say, more to myself than to him. “Why didn’t you tell me? If you’d told me, I would have found another way. Jack and I could have run, we could have gone to the police, we could have…”

  He slips his hand behind my neck, stroking my skin at the base of my hairline. “He would have killed Brent regardless. It doesn’t matter who pulled the trigger.”

  “But it does!” I cry, my voice choked up. “Don’t you see? You wanted to go straight. You wanted a different life. You never would have done this if I hadn’t asked you to help.”

  “I’m glad you came to me.” His voice is firm, his conviction evident. His eyes are so intense, confident, but I have no idea how he can be that way. After what he did, what Yuri made him do. “I couldn’t help my sister, and it felt good to be able to help you. I would do anything for you. You have to know that.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of.” I sniff and wipe my nose with the back of my sleeve.

  “Please don’t look at me like that.”

  “Like what?” I cry.

  “Like how you looked at me when I went off on Darren Black. How people in this town look at me now. Or those correctional officers or lawyers or social workers. I want you to see the good in me like you used to before…what happened to Claire.”

  “Oh, Niko. I’m not. I swear I’m not.” Not exactly. Looking at him is painful, because I see how torn up he is, even though he won’t admit to it. He’s trying to be strong, trying to do what he thinks I need to protect me. And I feel like I’ve failed him. A man is dead because of me, because I pushed a man who I knew was willing to push the boundaries of what is right and what is just—no matter the cost to him. I have no one to blame but myself. “I don’t know what to say…how to fix this.” I hold up my hands and stare down at them like I see the blood on my fingers.

  He rolls back to sit on his heels. His jaw clenches and then relaxes. He shakes his head before pushing to his feet. “I know I’ve lost any chance I had of getting you back. But if it saved you from another funeral, then I’m all right with that.”

  He steals to the door, opens it and takes one last, long look back at me. Then he pulls it shut, the click of the lock like an explosion in my ears.

  “Niko,” I call, but he’s already gone.

  I allow myself to cry while I steel myself to my new reality. Everything that has happened and what is yet to come. I can’t sit around and wait for more bad things to happen. And I can’t help Jack without hurting Niko. Jack was right to want to leave. I never should have stopped him.

  Now Niko is walking a path he might not be able to turn back from. I didn’t want him to leave. God, why didn’t I run after him? My heart is breaking for him right now. I need him as much as he needs me. And we won’t get through all of this unless we lean on one another. I have to face him—soon. He’s the only person I can talk to about all this. I can’t tell another soul. I shoulder part of the blame, because I should have known better than to ask him to go to Yuri. Goddamn Yuri. How could he do this? To his nephew? He might be worse than I imagined.

  I let out a deep breath and collect myself before searching the apartment for my phone. Often, I leave it in my purse, but it’s not there. It’s not in the kitchen or my bedroom. After ten or so minutes, I find it under a cushion on the couch. I need to call Jack. Liam was worried and I am too. If things played out as I imagined, then I’m more scared for Jack than I was before. Niko claims Jack’s safe and I can tell he believes it, but I don’t trust Yuri—especially now. I snatch the phone and punch in Jack’s number. The phone rings over and over again, but Jack doesn’t pick up. When it goes to voice mail, I try again without success. Then I try Hayley’s home number and her cell. “Pick up,” I whisper. “Please pick up.” After exhausting my alternatives, I call Jack one last time.

  “Jack, my God! I’m so happy to hear your voice,” I say, almost with a gasp when he finally answers. “We need to talk.”

  “Yeah, we do.”

  “Something terrible has happened.” I lower myself to the edge of my bed and sink into the mattress, my shoulders slumped.

  “You’re telling me. The cops just came to my door and told Hayley they think Brent is dead.”

  I open my mouth to confirm it, but then
I snap it shut. Closing my eyes, as if it can shut out my guilt, I try and think clearly. How do I go forward without hurting Niko further, or Jack? I can’t turn on Niko. I can’t betray him. And I don’t want Jack to have more reason to hate Niko—and he will. He’ll never get over it. And like me, he might question his role in it, too, his blame. Ultimately, that’s not why I stay silent, though. I keep quiet because Jack is no longer predictable and everything we do has consequences. I’m not ready to deal with the consequences of a wounded and angry Jack. “I’m so sorry about Brent,” I say, apologizing for more than he can know. “Are you okay?”

  “Hayley’s a mess. She went to the police station and she has to give a DNA sample to confirm his identity.” His voice quivers a little at the mention of his girlfriend. I want to reach through the phone and envelope him in my arms like I did when Mom died.

  We insisted on her spending her last days at home and we kept her in her room. Her cancer was discovered too late and there wasn’t anything they could do. I took time off work to care for her, glad to do it. I wanted every last minute with her that I could take. One day, while I made her tea, Jack went up to read to her. I felt a chill when I climbed the stairs, as if someone walked over my grave. When I pushed the doors open, Jack was sitting on the side of the bed. He looked back at me, his eyes full of tears. Then I looked at Mom’s pale face. Her eyes were closed and she wasn’t moving. Jack said nothing. I don’t think he could. I dropped the tea and it splattered over the floor, the hot liquid scalding parts of my ankles—though I didn’t feel it until after. I went to his side and wrapped my arms around him. I rocked him in my arms while he sobbed, smoothing the hair from his forehead. We were all we had. I would do anything for him. Anything. I just didn’t realize how far I could go, what I would be willing to forgive in others to keep him safe. If Niko told me Jack would die if he didn’t kill Brent, would I have said no? If he said there was no other way?

  The truth hits me and I swallow my answer down like a mouth full of arsenic.

  “Why didn’t you go with Hayley?” I ask softly.

  The phone is silent for a beat. “We both knew that wasn’t a good idea.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because I have to leave, Ivy. Today. The offer still stands if you want to come with me.”

  Oh, Jack. Yes, you do. And if I’d let you the first time you said this to me, things would be so different right now. Now, nothing will ever be the same.

  17

  IVY: I race over to Jack’s house in my sedan. Traffic is busier than usual and I hit both stoplights. I drum my fingers on the wheel while I wait for each of the blasted things to finally turn green. I have to get to Jack quickly because he’s scared—rightly so—and I have to see him before he leaves this town behind. My chest constricts, knowing I won’t see him whenever I want. But it won’t be forever. He might not be able to come back, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see him. We’ll just have to be careful. I’ll do what needs to be done.

  I wanted to bring him something to help him start over, but I don’t have much. So I dipped into the tip money I’d been saving for school. Its importance has lessened over the years and even if I was dead set on going in the fall, I would still give Jack all I had to make sure he has food and a roof over his head. I pull alongside the curb outside of Hayley’s place. I’ve never been here before, but Jack gave me directions before we hung up earlier. She lives on the lower income side of town. The buildings are ripe with graffiti and a lot of the windows have towels or sheets hanging from them instead of curtains. One has newspaper taped to the glass. A young woman with boobs so big they reach her knees sits on a stoop. I smile at her when I catch her eye and she grins back with the handful of teeth she has left.

  Hayley lives above a pawnshop. One of the few left in town. A lot of people go into the city because the selection is better. I’ve been to this one before and it basically sells electronics and jewelry. They sit on display in the front window. I glance up at the apartment above before taking a breath and walking up the stairs along the side of the building to get to the front door.

  I knock twice and hear rustling inside. There’s a peephole and no window. After a moment, I hear the door unlatch and Jack opens the door wide and walks away. I follow after him after securing the door. He leads me into a bedroom. The walls are white with some holes dotted along the outside wall. He shoves the last of his things into a duffel bag and throws it over his shoulder.

  “You’re really doing this, aren’t you?” I say softly, my throat suddenly dry.

  “We both know if I don’t leave now I might not ever get the chance again.”

  “What about Hayley? You’re just going to sneak off while she’s out?”

  He frowns at me. “I care about her, but we’re not forever and we both know that. I think, if anything, she’ll be happy to have me gone. I know you think she’s like her brother, but she’s not. She was so angry when she found out what we’d done. And now she’s worried they’ll come for me, too. I can’t blame her for not wanting me here when they do.”

  I scoff at his words. I’m trying to have compassion for her because of her brother, but I can tell my brother’s upset that she wants him to leave. I don’t blame him. Rejection sucks, no matter the reason. I get she’s worried for her safety, but if she really cared for him, she would have been here to say good-bye.

  I reach into my purse and pull out my wallet. It won’t make him feel better, but at least it’ll make it easier for him to get by. Five years’ worth of tip money. Enough to pay for a year of school. I pull out the bills in the fat envelope and hand it to him.

  He pushes my hands away, shaking his head. “I can’t take this.”

  “Please. I want you to have it.” But the more I urge him, the more vehemently he refuses.

  “Come with me, Ivy. We can start fresh. We can go to the city and maybe live near the university. You can finally stop procrastinating and get yourself a degree. Maybe I could go too.”

  I force a smile and pull him into a hug. He wraps his arms around my middle and I rest my head on his shoulder. He’s barely taller than me, but I’m his big sister. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve let him down. I feel like if I’d only helped him more, he wouldn’t have gotten into trouble when Mom passed. My stomach is balled up into tiny knots and I feel the urge to cry, but I refuse to give into it. It will only make this worse and I don’t want Jack to be worried when he leaves me.

  “I love you, Jack.”

  “Me too.” He pats my back and squeezes me a little harder before letting me go and taking a step back. “I’m thinking of going to Sterling. So I won’t be far. An hour or so away. It’ll be harder for them to find me in the city. And from what I hear, the Dante and the Hill families run the city and the Koshes aren’t friendly with either of them.”

  I try and control my breathing and nod, smiling. The last thing I want is to break down in front of him. “That sounds great. It might make them less inclined to follow.”

  I ruffle his hair and he bats my hand away. A lump forms in my throat as I try and think of something to say to keep the conversation light. But I have nothing. I can’t see through the pain that knifes at me. My mother and Jack were my only constants. I never thought I had to worry about Mom leaving, but when she got sick, she went so quickly. I didn’t even have time to blink. Two months from her diagnosis to her small funeral on the hill at Bartholomew Garden Cemetery. I never cried once. I held Jack’s hand while he fought tears and I squeezed it now and then to let him know I was still there. But I won’t be there now and I worry if he’ll be okay. What if he gets in trouble again?

  “What will you do now?” he asks. “Now you don’t have to worry about your little brother anymore?”

  When I can’t force words from my mouth, I just shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I fight the tremble beginning in my lower lip, covering it with my hand as I pretend to scratch an itch on my chin.

  He raises an eyebrow and
gives me a sad smile. “You still with me?”

  “Always,” I say softly. “What will I do now?” I parrot. “The sky is the limit, I guess,” I tease. With a heavy heart, we walk to my car. Jack is taking a bus to the city and I want to see him off. I wanted to drive him all the way, but my car isn’t reliable and both of us know it. At least this way he’ll get there safely.

  He buys his ticket and I wrap my arm around his waist and side by side, we amble out of the bus terminal to a nearby metal bench. The smell of diesel is thick in the air and the engines of the idling buses churn. I watch others hug and say good-bye, some sad and others excited. We sit on the bench for a while until we see a pretzel stand. Then I jog over and buy one. We sit together in silence while we dip pieces in mustard and pop them in our mouths. It’s warmer today than it has been the last few days and the sun is out and shining on us. I feel like it’s a good day to say good-bye. I just never imagined I’d be saying good-bye to Jack.

  When they make the call over the PA system to board, I still. Jack stands, tossing his bag over his shoulder. “It’s not forever, right?”

  “Of course not.”

  We embrace one last time before he hurries onto the bus, stopping on the stair to glance back at me. I wait with my hands over my heart while the bus pulls away. The windows are tinted and I can’t see him, but I know he’s watching. I mime putting a phone up to my cheek and whisper, “Call me.”

  The bus pulls out and slowly drives away, picking up speed as it exits the parking lot. I stare after it until it disappears from view, an ache in my heart getting stronger and stronger as the bus gets smaller and smaller. I’m alone. More than I’ve ever been. And with that comes the feeling of complete emptiness. I let myself cry. Just for a few minutes while I sit in my car before I turn the ignition. When a few minutes are up, I pull away and start driving, my head suddenly clear.