Flawed

by Sara Hubbard

  “It’s okay,” she says. “It’s okay.”

  I tilt my head up and look into her big eyes. She holds one of her mutilated hands against her chest, over her heart. I cringe at the sight of it, but she makes me focus on her face and she gives me a weak smile.

  And then a gunshot rings out. And another. I spin around and watch Reed scrambling to his feet with the gun back in his hands. When I look back at Ivy a circle of blood starts on her shirt and then spreads out quickly. Ivy’s eyes go wide as she gasps. Her breathing becomes heavy. Her eyes roll back in her head.

  Vik runs into the room from the opposite side of the building. Reed runs off and Vik shoots again and again. I let him go after Reed and focus on Ivy. I wasn’t there for Claire at the end and I won’t leave Ivy now. I touch the sides of her face, kiss her forehead. “Ivy, stay with me. Please stay with me.” Fiddling with her restraints, I mutter a curse until I’ve freed her ankles. Blood sputters from Ivy’s lips and I pull her into my lap. My head glances back and forth between her and the exit where Reed took off.

  “Don’t leave me,” she whispers. Her grip on my hand loosens and a long sigh escapes her lips. Then my hair stands on end before my heart shatters for the second time in my life.

  26

  NIKO: The world spins. I feel as if I’m above myself, watching as I lower Ivy to the ground and push on her chest and breathe into her lips. I do this over and over, no thoughts in my head, just counting to the beat of my compressions. I’m numb. Nothing matters but getting her to open her eyes again so she can look up at me from under those long, thick lashes and smile at me. Oh, God, pleeeeease. Come on! I push harder, keep to the rhythm. Pinch her nose and breathe. Her chest rises but then stops. Fuck! I do this over and over again. For maybe a few minutes or maybe a few hours. I don’t hear the sirens as they approach. I hear nothing when they approach me. I haul off when someone lays a hand on my shoulder. My hand is shaking as my eyes well up. A paramedic gives me a sympathetic smile. I’m not sure what she says. But she gently pushes me away and then takes over. I fall back on my heels, stare at Ivy’s lifeless body and I drop my head in my hands and for the first time in forever, I pray.

  I’m staring at the wall ahead of me as I sit in a chair in the ER, waiting for news. Seeing Ivy like this makes me relive Claire all over again. I’m scared of losing Ivy like I lost Claire. I’ve pushed emotions aside for so long, they hit me hard now. I’m grieving for them both and it’s almost too much. Claire…bandages…charred flesh…singed hair. The only undamaged skin on her body cold and pale. Ivy…broken and beaten…blood staining her shirt…her hands mangled, bleeding and crusted with almost black clots.

  On the drive in the ambulance, they brought Ivy back a couple of times. The blip on her monitor made my heart soar, only for it to fade to a solid line and a steady beep to ring out. But they kept going. One girl straddled her on the stretcher as the other wheeled her into the emergency room.

  I'm alone. Empty. Fearing the worst. Praying to God that if she survives I will cherish her, take her away and keep her from anything and everything that might hurt her.

  For Claire, death was kinder. I felt this when I walked into the room and saw her. She didn’t even look human. If she’d survived, she would have been horribly disfigured. Burns to over 70% of her body. And she would have been in pain for perhaps the rest of her life. Her beautiful blue eyes never to see the world again as her eyelids had melted shut. Somehow, this gives me some peace. I wouldn’t have that same peace with Ivy. I don’t remember hurting this bad. Like Reed was still stabbing me with the knife, but not in my hand. In my heart, over and over, each stab worse than the one before. It hasn’t stopped. Not once.

  Vik strides into the waiting room. He’s showered and in clean clothes. That means he finished off Reed and it got a little messy. Otherwise, he would have come looking the same as when I last saw him. Reed’s death doesn’t make me feel better, though. I don’t care that he’s gone. I just hope it hurt. And I don’t care if Yuri moves hell and Earth to find out who’s responsible. I’ll shoulder the blame if I lose Ivy. If she survives, well, that’s a different story…

  Vik sits beside me. I hang my head and put my elbows on my knees. I’m too choked up to say anything. Even if I could say something, I don’t know what to say. She’s likely dead. They’re still trying, but she was cold the last time I held her. Vik reaches out a hand and hesitates before setting it on my back and patting me once.

  We don’t say a word for a long time. When he finally speaks, he whispers in my ear. “I’ll get coffee.” He comes back with two, both black. I take it but I don’t drink it. Not sure I could drink anything right now. He drinks his slowly.

  The doctor comes out soon after. He asks for me by name. I told the medics I was her fiancé. A lie, I know, but I had to do it if I was going to get any information from them. She has no parents. Her dad left long ago and as far as I know, she hasn’t seen him since. As for Jack, he’s probably long gone. She has me. And her friends. That’s it.

  I stand, shove my hands deep in my pockets. Sighing, I steel myself, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

  He frowns. “She’s alive.”

  I close my eyes and heave a sigh of relief. But when I open them, his expression still looks grave.

  “But she’s unstable. We’ve coded her three times since she got here. The bullet just missed her heart. We’re going to have to do surgery to repair her left lung. It’s touch and go right now. I won’t know more until we open her up. But I have to be honest, she might not make it.”

  I nod. Vik is right beside me. He thanks the doctor while my world starts to close in around me. I lower myself to a seat as every memory I have of her flashes through my mind. The doctor continues talking but it’s noise to my ears. I want to be sick. I want to run away. But I can’t. Never. I won’t leave her ever again. So I pull myself together and focus hard on everything the doctor has to say, even if all I want to do is hide.

  “Her brother is listed as her next of kin,” the doctor says. “I suggest you get in touch with him.”

  “We don’t know where he is,” Vik says. “Kid has some issues and he’s taken off.”

  The doctor talks about paperwork and is looking for someone to sign consent forms, but I can’t do it because I’m not related by blood or marriage. In the end, he tells me he’ll have to take implied consent because they can’t wait on the surgery. Then he tells me I should go home. That her surgery will be long.

  “I ain’t going anywhere,” I tell him.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “We’ll do all we can.”

  I just hope to God it’s enough.

  27

  IVY: I wake from my nightmare screaming. Niko is at my side, gripping my hand as I orient myself to my surroundings. Only when I see the sterile walls and feel the IV in my arm and hear the sound of my heartbeat on a monitor, do I realize that this wasn’t a dream. It all really happened.

  “Niko,” I cry.

  His face is steel. Like it’s frozen, but I can see what’s underneath. There is intense sadness in his glassy eyes and it breaks me in two. I pull him closer and when he’s leaning over the bed, I pull him closer still. He crawls in beside me and I rest my head on his chest like I used to and take a breath and listen to the thudding of his heart. My body aches, everywhere, and there is pressure in my chest, like I can’t take a deep enough breath. I look down and see the bandages wrapped around my middle, all the way up to my collarbone. There is a shadow of blood above my left breast. I glance back at Niko, a deep frown on my face.

  “What happened?” Everything is fuzzy after Niko was dragged into the factory and tied to the chair in front of me. I feel the agony again as Reed told me what he would do to him. I worried I would break. And I knew I would. I could have endured a lot if he’d focused on me, but watching him cut Niko up? I couldn’t let that happen, nor could I watch.

  “You were shot,” Niko says, his voice shaky. “They took you into
surgery and everything is okay now.” He sighs. “You scared me so bad, Ivy. I didn’t think…I thought you were…”

  I brush one of my bandaged hands over his hair and lightly touch his face. “It’s okay now. It’s over.” I try and roll closer to him, but he reaches out to stop me, imploring with his eyes for me to keep to my side of the small bed. I take it as rejection and it stings. A single tear rolls down my cheek. After all this, I can’t imagine moving forward without him. We’ve been through too much.

  He presses his forehead to mine and his breath ruffles my hair. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he says, as if reading my mind.

  I don’t know whether he means being on the bed with me or if he’s referring to something more, like he’s about to make a speech about how we shouldn’t be together. That I’m better off without him. The speech I should have got long ago, but he refused to give me. I fear it’s coming, and I don’t think I could take it right now. He needs me just as much as I need him, though he tries to act tough. I can see he’s breaking inside. All of this has to remind him of Claire. His eyes are red and puffy, though his cheeks are dry. I wonder if he’s cried for me and it makes me cry a little harder. I sniff away tears and he wipes the rest of them away. When his fingers touch the bridge of my nose, I wince and he curses at himself.

  “I’ll call the nurse,” he says quickly, reaching over the rail to the nurse’s bell.

  “No, I don’t want medication. I just want you. Stay with me. Promise you’ll stay.” His big hand finds mine and our fingers lock. I can’t make my hand hold his, though; it stings too much.

  He nods and mumbles softly, his voice shaky. “As long as you want.”

  “What happened to Reed? Did he escape? Will he try and find us?”

  “You really want to know?”

  I nod, my cheek rubbing against his soft shirt.

  His face is pinched as blood drains from his face. I know his answer before he says it. “He’s gone.”

  I knew it. I just needed him to say it. And to be honest, it’s a relief. One less enemy to run from. One less person on this Earth who’s intent on killing someone I love. Two someones, actually. But I know his death might mean more problems if Yuri finds out. “How did it happen?”

  He clears his throat and scratches the scruff on his chin.

  “Vik did it?” I guess.

  He hitches a shoulder as he frowns at me. “It could easily have been me. I would have kept on beating him if you didn’t stop me.”

  I touch my palm to his face. “But you did stop. You didn’t kill him. And you’re telling me the truth. And I know you didn’t kill Brent either. You couldn’t have.”

  He’s silent, wrestling with some demon as he closes his eyes and sighs.

  “That was Vik, too?”

  “I tried. I wanted to do it. It needed it to happen for Jack to live. The thought of you burying your brother like I had to bury my sister… It’s not right. You didn’t deserve that.”

  “You aren’t the person you think you are. You aren’t your father. You’re flawed…but so am I. I’m not sad about Reed. How many other people would a guy like that hurt in his lifetime?”

  “It’s still wrong. Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

  I say it again, but with more conviction. My temper flares because he won’t listen to me. I’m being honest, and he thinks I’m just being kind.

  “I’m no good for you,” he says. “I’m never going to be more than a guy that walks that line. I don’t look for trouble, but it finds me and I don’t want you anywhere near me when it does.”

  “There you go again, making decisions without me.”

  “You can’t honestly still want me now? After all this time? And after all this?” He lifts both of his hands up and stares at them. They’re bloodied and bruised with cuts to the knuckles.

  I kiss his knuckles. It won’t take away his guilt or his pain, but I like to think it helps. “My heart chose you a long time ago and it still chooses you now,” I say. “Don’t run from me again, Niko.”

  “If you want me, I’m yours.”

  For all my pain, I feel like I can fly. I’ve never been so glad to be wrong. I can’t imagine moving forward without him beside me. “Good,” I say. “But I need one more thing from you.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Whatever you want.”

  “It’s about you going straight. You still want that?”

  “Of course. I want to try, but that hasn’t worked out so far. And now Reed is gone, Yuri is going to be on the warpath, looking for blood. Who knows, maybe his favor will involve me finding his killer. Wouldn’t that be ironic?” He chuckles without humor.

  “Will he find out?”

  Niko hitches a shoulder. “I don’t see how he could.”

  “We should leave, Niko. Like we planned. You and me, against the world. Like it was always supposed to be.”

  He presses a soft kiss to my forehead. “I love you.”

  My lips find his then, and his mouth is so tender on mine, even the painkillers can’t squash the fireworks in my stomach. My whole body sighs from a single touch. “I love you, too,” I say softly. “When he brought you into that factory and tied you to that chair I felt like I was dying. He told me what he was going to do to you. He told me I’d have to choose and he’d watch as I broke your heart and told you I’d chosen my brother.”

  “It’s fine. He’s your brother. He’s important to you and he was there when I wasn’t. I don’t expect to come first, now or ever. I just want the chance to be with you again. That’s it.”

  “He was wrong, though. I would never choose,” I say. “I love you both. I would never sacrifice one for the other. Never.”

  “You love me that much?”

  I kiss him on the lips. “You have no idea.”

  “When I first came back, I thought I’d lost you for good when you told me to stay away. It stung but it was nothing compared to what I felt when your heart stopped.” He clears his throat and exhales through pursed lips, like he’s trying to be strong. “I wouldn’t have hesitated to trade my life for yours. There is no living without you. I tried once and I realized quickly that I wasn’t living at all.”

  He closes his eyes and when they open they’re red and glassy. It nearly breaks me in two. I love him so much and, in this moment, I feel how much he loves me back. It’s like a sunbeam shining down on my body. My stomach dances with butterflies.

  “I haven’t had the chance to make up for all that I’ve done to you,” he says. “I want that chance. More than I’ve ever wanted anything else. I want to show you that I can deserve you.”

  The door opens and a nurse looks surprised before smiling and quietly tiptoeing out.

  “We need to start over. Fresh. A clean slate. A first date. All of it.”

  “Whatever you want. I’ll bring roses. Take you to dinner and a movie. I’ll wait until the second date before I undress you.”

  I fight a chuckle because it hurts too much. “I might not want to wait.”

  “You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. Sex is better than I remembered it.”

  Smiling hurts so bad but I can’t hold it back.

  “So we start over?” he says. “When?”

  I hitch a shoulder. “Right now.”

  Epilogue

  NIKO: I get home late, so I make something quick and simple. In the freezer, I have some leftover spaghetti sauce I made from scratch on the weekend. I heat that up and make pasta. Most days of the week I cook. Ivy leaves early for school and often comes home late. I work long hours but I’m usually home in the evenings before she is. If I need to work more—to help when her tuition is due—I usually do it early in the morning or on the weekends.

  Henry knew a guy in Monroe City who was willing to give me a chance in his kitchen. He gave me one hell of a reference, considering I never worked a day for him. I might have lied on my resume and he might have supported that lie—for Ivy, of course. Plus, I think he just pla
in old liked me for saving Ivy. I knew he cared for her, but I never knew how much until he cried over her while she slept in the hospital after she was shot. Seeing a grumpy old man brought to tears brought me there myself. Only two times in my life, I’ve cried. Once over Claire and once over Ivy. I guess when I saw Henry do it, it made it okay for me to let it out, too. He could, so why couldn’t I?

  I started as a prep cook at this restaurant on the West Side and now I’m on the line. And doing a pretty good job, if I do say so myself. I bring leftovers home for Ivy and the looks she gives me are like when she orgasms. If I wasn’t so in need of praise, I might feel a little bothered by it.

  As I’m setting the spaghetti on the table, Ivy flies through the door. I’m in my chair with a fork mid-air. Her smile is bright enough to light up this dingy apartment we settled on to help afford her school. I’d live in a box if it meant I could give her what she wanted. I set my fork down as she crawls into my lap.

  Ivy is in her fourth year of a science degree. She’s applied to a half-dozen schools all over the country for med school and we’re ready to go wherever she gets accepted. I have to admit I’m hoping she’ll be happy here at Monroe U. I like my work and I like the people I work with. But my home is where she is, so I guess we’ll have to see where she gets in. Plus, her brother is here and he adds to her happiness. Not that we’ve bonded. At least he says hello to me now, though. When we first moved here, he ignored me completely.

  She holds an envelope in her hand and hands it off to me. “Open it,” she says.

  But it’s already opened. I eye her and she shrugs. “I couldn’t wait.”

  The address on the upper corner is for Sterling City. I pull out the letter and read the first sentence. It’s just as I thought, “Congratulations on being accepted to Monroe University.” I hug her tight and I’m happy as fuck when she seems to be equally excited.