Romantic Comedy Box Set (Helen Grey Series Books 1 & 2)

by Hodge, Sibel

  ‘Come on, what are you waiting for?’ His voice broke the spell.

  ‘Um…nothing.’ I composed myself, stepping down.

  We plodded along through the woods and after about twenty minutes something caught his eye. ‘Look.’ He pointed at a little calf next to a big black and white cow, ambling along in a gently sloping muddy field in the distance. Might have been a bull, though, it looked huge.

  ‘Ah, how sweet,’ I cooed.

  ‘Did you know that cows actually have wide-angle vision and can see about three hundred degrees around them. But they have 3D vision when they are looking directly ahead?’

  ‘Oh yes, ‘course I did.’

  ‘And did you also know that some people are harnessing Cowpat Energy? They’ve got massive amounts of methane.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘It’s true.’

  I had visions of cows blowing up like balloons and shooting off spontaneously into outer space.

  ‘How do you know all this, then, Mr. Cowpat Man?’ I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and admitted, once again, how perfectly gorgeous he was. God, what was happening to me? I was even starting to ignore the faded, army-green trousers and his knackered old boots. This could only mean one pretty serious thing: I was having a nervous breakdown!

  The new and unusual feelings that had been creeping up on me were getting stronger, and I couldn’t understand why he was having this strange effect on me suddenly. There were only three problems:

  1) He was involved with someone else.

  2) He was Ayshe’s brother and, although his family was wonderful, they would never approve of him being with someone who wasn’t Turkish Cypriot.

  3) He thought I was a complete idiot.

  ****

  We eventually came to a lake, rolling down from a distant stream. Perching ourselves on a fallen tree stump on the edge of the water, I spied a handful of swans with their thick winter plumage. They gazed at us with slight interest and then went back to preening themselves.

  ‘Look.’ He pointed upwards.

  The fluffy cotton wool clouds were hanging, seemingly motionless, in the brilliant bright blue sky. I squinted against the low winter sun.

  ‘What? I can’t see anything.’ I shielded my eyes with my hand.

  ‘There! It’s a barn owl. You can tell that by the beige-coloured back and wings and how it’s pure white underneath.’

  I caught sight of it and watched as it flew off into the distance. We were strangely quiet for a few moments in the stillness; then Kalem looked over at me.

  ‘What?’ I felt uneasy, my throat dry and constricted. Was he going to tell me what a complete disaster freak I was again, as usual?

  He took a deep breath. ‘What did you ever see in that bloke?’

  ‘Who? Justin?’ I pulled up my knees and hugged them.

  ‘Mmm.’ He looked over to the lake with a strange expression on his face, almost pensive.

  I sighed. ‘Well, things were good in the beginning, until he decided he preferred sleeping with his boss instead of me!’ I paused for a moment. ‘But I guess he’s done me a favour in the long run, I’m starting to realize how selfish he really is.’

  ‘Well, we’re not the same people as we were in our twenties. If we haven’t learned from our mistakes in the last ten years, then there’s not much hope for us, I suppose.’ He smiled at me.

  ‘No, you’re absolutely right. If I was exactly the same person now that I was ten years ago, then I’d have learned nothing in life.’

  ‘So what do you want now, then?’ His eyes met mine, cautiously.

  ‘Someone down-to-earth. Someone funny, that I can have a laugh with. Someone who actually cares about me.’

  ‘But why are you carrying on with this stupid challenge thing? You’re not likely to meet a decent guy by going speed-dating and God knows what else, just a complete bunch of superficial jerks.’

  ‘Ha! You’re a fine one to talk. What about Emine? She’s as superficial as they come, isn’t she?’ I thought about her sneaking around with Mr. Business Suit. I nearly blurted it all out and almost had to gnaw my lip off to stop myself.

  He looked at his feet. ‘Look…I wanted to–’

  And then my phone burst into life, biting into the tranquility of the countryside.

  ‘Sorry, I have to get this, it could be a job,’ I said. ‘Hello?’ I stood up.

  ‘Hi, it’s Nick.’

  ‘Hi,’ I replied, looking over at Kalem.

  ‘I’m just checking everything’s OK still for Friday? Do you want to meet somewhere for a drink before the boxing match?’

  ‘That sounds…lovely. How about we meet at the Watermill?’ It was a trendy little wine bar in the High Street.

  ‘Perfect. Is seven-thirty OK?’

  ‘Yeah, Friday, seven-thirty at The Watermill,’ I said, but what I really wanted was to be spending the evening with Kalem.

  ‘OK, great. I’ve got to go, work’s still manic. See you Friday, then.’

  ‘Bye.’ I hung up.

  Kalem suddenly jumped to his feet and an awkward silence fell over us. ‘Come on, we should be getting back. All your frozen stuff will be thawing out.’

  Chapter 17

  ‘Kalem!’ I pulled the door open that night as soon as the doorbell rang, ready and waiting for my next challenge. ‘Where’s Ayshe?’

  ‘Actually, I came up with your challenge tonight so I thought I’d take you.’

  ‘Oh, well where are we going?’

  ‘Have you heard of Gloria Cox?’ he said as we wandered down the hall.

  I thought for a moment. ‘No.’

  ‘You know, the big healthy-eating guru. She’s written that book, Change your Life, Change your Diet. Everyone’s going mad about it.’

  ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’

  We got into the Land Rover parked along the driveway to the car park. He performed a flawless three-point turn, then narrowly missed Charlie’s super-girly Smart car, which had pink, feathery cushions on the dashboard.

  ‘Well,’ he glanced at me as we motored off down the road, ‘she’s doing a book club reading tonight at that big bookshop in town. I thought with all this change-your-life stuff that you’re doing, you might need a bit of help to change your diet, too. Let’s face it, you haven’t exactly been eating properly since you split with Justin.’

  ‘Well, no, I haven’t, really. Wherever do you get all these challenge ideas from?’ I asked as we pulled up outside the book store.

  He shrugged. ‘I was worried about your diet. You drink too much coffee and you need to find out about organic produce and be more environmentally aware of what you eat.’

  I glanced at him thoughtfully as I slammed the car door shut. ‘Well, thanks for taking such an interest in my diet. I am feeling a bit hungry now you mention it. Will there be any food there? Hopefully, they might have some cream cakes.’ I grinned.

  He didn’t answer. He was already pulling the door open and heading inside.

  We stepped into the huge bookshop and were directed upstairs to the rear where a small crowd had gathered in their function room. Bottles of water and glasses were laid out along one side of the room. No alcohol, though, and not a single cream cake in sight – damn, this was serious!

  ‘There she is.’ Kalem pointed at a petite, slim woman with shoulder-length, bouncy blonde hair and effervescent blue eyes. Her skin looked flawless and wrinkle free, but she must have been in her late fifties. She absolutely glowed with vitality. If this was what healthy eating did for you, then sign me up.

  A mixed horde of healthy wannabes sat, waiting for her to begin, although judging by the size of some of them, there was positively no hope in this lifetime. One of them was even stuffing a super-sized Mars Bar down his throat.

  We grabbed a seat at the back and waited along with the other patient people.

  ‘Hello, everybody.’ Gloria practically ran round to the front of the room, bursting with life. In fact,
she had so much energy, she could have blown up a few buildings with no explosives whatsoever. She took up a position in front of a podium. ‘For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Gloria Cox, the author of Change your Life, Change your Diet.’

  ‘Of course we know who she is. She’s absolutely wonderful,’ whispered a super-skinny stickwoman whose head was much too big for her body, making her look like a microphone.

  ‘Now, I’m not going to go into great depths about the contents of my book because obviously I want you to go out and buy it!’ Her eyes swept the room, giving us all a cheeky little twinkle. ‘But I do want to talk to you about several important things, which will hopefully give you the inspiration to change your life and change your diet.’

  I wondered how many times she would pummel that catchphrase into us.

  ‘Now, the most important thing is that a diet is not actually a diet.’

  ‘That’s where I’ve been going wrong,’ whispered Stickwoman.

  ‘What is it, then?’ shouted out a large beer-bellied bloke.

  Gloria formed her mouth into an O shape as she thought about it, which made it look like a polo and was rather curious. ‘Well, it’s a whole lifestyle change. You can’t just go on one of these faddy diets for a few weeks or months and expect it work long-term. Remember a diet is for life, not just for after Christmas.’

  ‘Oh damn, that’s a shame,’ someone muttered.

  ‘Shush.’ Stickwoman turned round and gave a disapproving glare.

  ‘Now, if you read my book, it gives you a whole variety of foods you can eat with no limits. They are all healthy foods which you can eat and not put weight on.’

  ‘Are Mars Bars on the list?’ asked the Mars Bar King.

  ‘Unfortunately not.’

  ‘What about chips?’ someone else shouted.

  ‘No, we’re getting on to the wrong track, totally. The foods in, Change your Life, Change your Diet, are all super-rich foods packed with nutrients.’ She hesitated and made that polo shape again. ‘They are organic and unprocessed foods, super-foods, which include algae and wheatgrass.’

  ‘Urgh, why would I want to eat grass?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s not grass. It’s wheatgrass.’ She tiled her head, smiling.

  ‘Can you just eat wheatgrass and nothing else?’ asked Stickwoman.

  I leaned over to Kalem. ‘It looks like she’s been doing that already, she’s going to waste away soon.’

  Gloria gave a little chuckle. ‘Of course not, you need a healthy, balanced, variety of food. OK, moving on, then. Your body gives a lot of signs, which show the state of your health. For example, the tongue, face, nails, eyes and hands can all show signs that your body is not happy. Other examples are things like foul-smelling stools; these indicate that your digestion system isn’t working properly.’

  ‘Yuck,’ Mars Bar King did a little piggy-grunt.

  Kalem and I chortled.

  ‘I know, it’s not pleasant, is it? And if you examined your stool, it would give you a very clear indication as to what’s going on inside.’

  ‘Fabulous, I’m going to do that from now on,’ Stickwoman muttered.

  ‘Another example would be an itchy bottom.’ Gloria did the polo thing again.

  ‘I get that. What does it mean?’ Beer Belly Bloke looked worried.

  ‘Well, it could be a case of piles or worms. Alternatively, it could be that you are sensitive to a particular kind of food.’

  ‘Gross,’ I said.

  ‘This brings me on to the next thing which is intolerances to certain foods. A lot of people now are becoming sensitive or intolerant to certain things, particularly wheat and dairy products. A lot of additives can cause problems too, and that’s why it’s very important to choose organic and unprocessed foods.’

  ‘Can you get organic Mars Bars?’ Mars Bar King enquired.

  ‘No,’ Gloria snapped. I think she was getting increasingly fed up with him. ‘Does anyone here suffer from food cravings?’

  ‘No.’ Stickwoman shook her head violently.

  ‘Chips and curry sauce,’ Beer Belly Bloke yelled.

  ‘Well, food cravings can be a sign of food intolerances,’ she informed us, ignoring them. ‘Did you know cows today produce about six times more milk than they did ten years ago?’ She scanned the room.

  ‘Oh, that’s awful,’ Stickwoman cried in disgust.

  ‘Why?’ shouted Beer Belly Bloke.

  ‘Well, it’s because of all the hormones and other chemicals, which are given to them to produce more milk. That means when you consume it, you are also taking in all these unwanted things, as well. And these are things that you could be intolerant to. So it’s all about choosing milk, grains, fruit and vegetables, which are organically produced with no harmful chemicals or pesticides. Now, there are foods that are very full of nutrients and will give you bags of energy.’

  ‘Sugar?’ I asked.

  ‘No.’ She regarded us all with complete exasperation. She must have thought we were a complete bunch of no-hopers. ‘For example, mung beans are absolutely packed with nutrients.’ She composed herself and carried on.

  ‘If I just ate mung beans all day and did lots of exercise, would that be OK?’ Stickwoman asked her.

  I thought she was joking at first, but she looked too excited by the prospect and I realized she was dead serious.

  ‘Well, no – we get back to the healthy-balanced-diet rule again.’ Gloria nodded at her. ‘Another one is parsley, which has more vitamin C, gram for gram, than an orange.’ The polo thing was going on again. ‘It’s very important to eat regularly. It’s no good skipping a meal and then bingeing later. You have to get into the grazing mentality, and by this, I mean, eat little and often. Now, another chapter in the book covers items to avoid, such as caffeine and alcohol.’

  I didn’t think I wanted to hear this part.

  ‘Has coffee got caffeine in it?’ someone asked.

  I pretended I wasn’t listening and Kalem dug me in the ribs to listen up to the great guru.

  ‘Of course.’ Gloria raised her voice, looking like she was about to flip any minute. ‘Now, as many of you know, caffeine is a stimulant.’

  I stuck my fingers in my ears muttering, ‘La-la-la-la! I can’t hear you.’ I didn’t want to hear anything bad said against my two favourite things.

  ‘It can increase your blood pressure, and stimulates the body’s adrenal glands, making you stressed and anxious.’ She paused.

  Kalem pulled my hands away, glaring at me.

  ‘It also makes you tired and inhibits the absorption of other vitamins and minerals.’

  ‘What? Like parsley?’ asked Stickwoman.

  ‘No, parsley is a food, not a vitamin.’ The calmness was beginning to crack. ‘Now, alcohol puts a huge strain on the liver and digestive system.’

  I put my hands up to my ears again to hear no evil, but I could still hear her.

  ‘It can cause the degeneration of cells and numerous other related problems.’

  ‘Damn. I like coffee and alcohol,’ I whispered to Kalem.

  He pressed his finger to my mouth. ‘Be quiet and listen for once.’ His fingertip lingered for a few seconds on my lips, and I thought that maybe I should keep talking, just to feel his touch on me, although I didn’t think I’d get away with it as Stickwoman was giving me some kind of scary death glare.

  ‘There are a lot of foods that also cause stress to the body, such as salty and fatty foods. Processed foods contain many additives and preservatives. Cow’s milk is another, and if people find they can’t tolerate it, they can switch to soya or goat’s milk.’

  ‘Does goat’s milk taste of goats?’ shouted someone.

  ‘Well…No.’ Gloria let out an exasperated sigh. ‘Equally, there are foods which do the opposite and combat stress.’ She glowered at Mars Bar King before he could say the dreaded two words.

  ‘WHAT?’ Stickwoman shouted.

  ‘I have a list of them in Change your Life, Change
your Diet.’ We weren’t going to get a sneaky preview of them. ‘The book also gives you information on how to detox.’

  ‘Is that like Botox?’ I asked.

  ‘No, it’s a method of ridding the body of all the toxins and other substances that build up over time. It can stop you feeling tired, depressed or irritable, and can stop you suffering from headaches and other ailments. I have included a list of them in Change your Life, Change your Diet.’

  ‘Give us a clue?’ Beer Belly Bloke cried out.

  She wagged her finger at him. ‘You’ll just have to read the book now, won’t you? Another important thing is exercise, and I can’t emphasize that enough.’ She narrowed her eyes at Mars Bar King and Beer Belly Bloke. ‘It is essential for weight loss and to get your body functioning correctly.’

  ‘Urgh,’ I groaned. Whoever invented exercise should be shot.

  ‘And the final topic of tonight,’ Gloria went on, glad it was almost over, ‘is colonic irrigation. This is also known as colonic hydrotherapy, and the procedure is similar to an enema, only a lot more powerful.’

  There were horrified looks all round.

  ‘A tube is inserted into your anus and sterile, warm water is then sent into your colon and lower bowel.’ Gloria ignored the astonished crowd and carried on with an excited look on her face. It was almost as if she was imagining having colonic irrigation right there and then.

  ‘Ew!’ Mars Bar King waved his hand in front of his nose.

  ‘It is a wonderful experience and everyone should try it. It can help to clean out years’ worth of faecal deposits, toxins, mucus and gas. Some people are very surprised at what comes out – in fact, one person I know had whole Brussels sprouts flying up the tube!’

  Mars Bar King would probably have whole Mars Bars shooting out.

  ‘Urgh! No way am I doing that! My bum is definitely an out-hole. I’m not sticking anything in an out-hole!’ I mumbled to Kalem, shaking my head.