"If I have to put Utah back together again like I did that night after Troy dumped her off on the curb like a piece of trash, I'll come after you with my sharpest spade," Ellie said. The fervency of her tone and look in her eyes took Utah aback.
On that long ago night, Ellie had been the one who helped her let go of what at the time had seemed so unbearable. It was a fresh start for Utah. She'd kept to herself that second year, and when she was eighteen, went to college for business administration and worked part time at a golf course.
"You can keep your garden tools in the shed, Ellie. I don't plan on hurting Utah again."
"You didn't hurt me."
He didn't reply. Neither did Ellie, because they both knew he had.
"I was only sixteen. Everything is a drama at that age."
"Good. Then you won't have a problem having dinner with me tomorrow night." He sent Ellie a warning look. "Alone."
"I thought you said you weren't going to hurt her."
"I won't."
"Then you plan on living in Timberline?"
When the answer didn't come, Utah felt a shard of fear. Mason didn't think sleeping with her would hurt her. Didn't he get it?
Maybe he did, but the agony of his past kept him in denial. He needed her. He didn't intend to hurt her. But he would, if Utah let him.
CHAPTER EIGHT
"What happened to the bear?" Utah asked Harvey. She'd just left Angela's where she'd bought a dress for tonight. She didn't feel like analyzing what drove her to do that.
Harvey's concentration on the newest tree stump broke as he turned to look at her. "I burned it."
She studied his work so far. "It looks like the nose of something. A dear or an elk. Except it's different."
Harvey smiled big. "It's the nose of a moose."
It looked like that. "You're getting good at this."
Harvey beamed. "You have yourself a fine day, Miss Utah."
Smiling back, she waved and went on her way.
At home, she put the bag on her bed and checked the clock. She had a couple of hours before Mason would get here. Pulling the slinky black dress from the bag, she held it up for inspection. Butterflies tumbled in her stomach. If she wore this, there was no doubt where tonight would lead. Mason would take one look at her and she'd wind up on her back.
Wandering to the balcony door off the master bedroom she'd recently redone, she opened the French-trimmed door and stepped outside. The white railing bordered an eight-by-six balcony. She sat in a white wicker chair and stared at the rugged horizon sinking into shadows with the low angle of the sun.
The memory of that last night with Mason filled her.
She never wore dresses, but that night was special. When Mason picked her up she felt like everyone in town could tell the difference in her. Like they knew what she wanted to do with Mason. Especially her mother. But her mother never said anything, not until after Mason left and shattered her daughter's girlish dreams of him. Odd, how she never thought in terms of the future. While her heart was consumed by him, she never once thought seriously about marriage. Not in the same sense as she thought of it as an adult. It was as if her young mind couldn't quite grasp what marriage truly meant. She couldn't imagine growing old with him, but she sure as heck could imagine him making love to her again.
And he had. She felt the same tickle of excitement that had come over her the night he took her to Steamboat for dinner. Except they never made it to Steamboat. They never even made it out of town. After parking at the lake, Mason drove onto a deserted dirt road and drove to a secluded campsite. There was a view of the setting sun from there.
Mason stood behind her, his arms around her middle, his face pressed beside hers as they watched it grow dark. It felt so right, being in his arms, being with him. Yes, he'd said he wanted to join the Army, but she had refused to believe he'd actually do it. Or that he'd wait and take her with him. Things had gotten so serious between them. Neither of them had spoken of his plans since the first time they made love. Looking back on it now, she realized their feelings had become too huge for them to handle. Better to deny any thought of never seeing each other again than face the end.
The dress she'd worn was black, just like the one in her hands. She looked down at it, fingering the material. Had she, on some unconscious level, chosen it because of that? Uneasiness troubled her. What was she doing? She didn't want to lose him all over again, and that was exactly where she was headed if she let him make love to her.
She had to do something. Get away. Now. Before he got here.
Going back inside, she tossed the dress onto the bed and crammed enough clothes for the weekend into a carry-on sized luggage, then hurried downstairs. Grabbing her wallet and keys, she climbed into her Cruiser and peeled out into the street.
When she reached the road Mason had taken all those years ago, impulse made her turn. She drove along the narrow dirt road until she reached the turn into the hidden campsite. There, she killed the engine and sat there a minute, absorbed in memory. All the old feelings.
Getting out of the vehicle, she walked a few steps, then turned to see the sun setting. She closed her eyes, feeling herself turn in Mason's arms, feeling his mouth touch hers. It was so powerful it made her shudder. They could have kissed a minute or twenty. But finally, he moved forward, making her step backward until she leaned against his car.
He pressed his body to hers while he kissed her into oblivion. It was her who started tearing at his clothes first. She'd popped at least two buttons on his shirt. The reward was his bare chest. She felt him with her hands and trailed her tongue over his nipples, gently bit the side of his neck, smelling him, tasting him.
He lifted her dress over her head and dropped it by their feet. She wasn't wearing a bra. Only underwear. He stood staring at her in awe, a look she would never forget. She heard his breathing as he moved close again. His hands caressed her body while he kissed her. Slid into her underwear and pushed them down her legs. She stepped out of them, her shoes, too. Mason stripped along with her.
Taking her hand, he pulled her into his arms. The feel of their naked bodies heightened the sensation of kissing. She wasn't aware of anything else. Just Mason and what he was making her feel. The want inside of her had grown unbearable. She dug her fingers into his hair, felt herself tremble. He seemed to sense her urgency, had some of his own when he lifted her against him and took her to the front of his car.
The hard metal was cool on her backside. Mason climbed over her. He was so careful with her. The pressure points of the hood on her back paled in comparison to the chemistry firing between them. He kissed her mouth, her chin, her throat. Cupped his mouth over one breast, then the other. His hand traveled down her side, over her hip, to her butt, where it stayed as he slowly entered her. The intensity swept her into a mindless eddy. Anchoring herself with her hands on his biceps, she groaned as he pushed in and withdrew, slow and sensual. With each dizzying thrust, he sent her higher, stroked tingles into an explosion that made her cry out.
She was barely aware of his guttural moan before he came down on her, crushing her with his weight. Holding him to her, running her finger up his back to his shoulders, she gazed up at the stars. The wonder didn't wear off until he dropped her off at home and she saw the way he looked at her from inside his car.
Utah opened her eyes. A tear rolled down her cheek and she realized at some point during her journey back in time, she'd begun to cry. It was dark and it dawned on her that she was standing on her land. This campsite that held so much significance to her would border her golf course. Angst made her wipe her face with a rough swipe. She got in her car.
Maybe a few days golfing in Steamboat would get her back on track. Because dinner with him was out of the question. She could not spend the summer with him and not feel it when he left.
###
Mason rang the doorbell again, even though Utah wasn't answering. Was she home? Or had she gone somewhere? At first he was crazed with
worry. Now he understood what she'd done. And he should have known better. He shouldn't pursue her like this. Seeing her for the first time in fifteen years must have thrown him off.
When he came to Timberline, he hadn't expected the object of his hottest teenage fantasies back for her mother's funeral. He also hadn't expected her to move here, looking hotter than ever. The last he'd heard, she was settled in Denver. Sure, it had crossed his mind that perhaps she'd come to visit, but their encounters would be fleeting and nothing more than friendly. He could wile away the summer until his commander let him come back. How foolish of him to think he could use her that way. Fuck her a few times and then leave her again. He'd actually planned to take her to their private campsite after dinner. He'd fantasized about her on the hood of his Mustang. Hell, the backseat. And also her bed, spread out. Naked and ready.
What was the matter with him?
Turning, he stepped down from the porch.
Seeing Utah reawakened the old feelings and brought a few new ones to the surface. He liked the way she looked and the way she'd matured. She was just as easy to be with as he remembered, only now it was different. Now he saw her as a woman, not a sixteen year old girl who hadn't finished high school yet. He had a nagging feeling one summer with her wasn't going to be enough. And going back to special ops was the only thing that would help him put West Africa behind him. Getting back into the action. Not running away to a nowhere mountain town, drowning the whole mess in a woman.
Utah.
Not just any woman. The thought of spending the rest of the summer without her agonized him.
He reached the edge of the driveway where he'd parked his dad's truck and caught a glimpse of Ellie before she spoke.
"Ought to tell a man something when a woman runs away from him."
It was dark except for light coming from her living room window. He moved across the driveway and onto Ellie's lawn and saw her lift a glass half full of a dark liquid to her lips.
"I get the point, Ellie" He climbed the stairs up to her front porch, leaning a shoulder against the post at the top.
"And yet you still go after her."
He endured her reproachful regard a while. "Seeing her again wasn't what I expected."
"What did you expect? An affair?"
Yes, without thinking. Now he was thinking.
"You want Utah, you better be prepared to offer her a life right here in Timberline."
"I have a job with the Army," he said. Why did everyone keep ignoring that?
"You have a crutch as far as I can tell."
"My job isn't a crutch. Neither is Utah." He'd learned that tonight.
"Honey, you aren't what Utah needs. You leave her alone until you come to terms with whatever demons brought your hide back here. You hear me?"
Damn Keegan and his big mouth. How much had he told Roanne? Nothing about the mission, but enough to reveal its effect on all of them. The ones who'd survived.
"I have no demons. Just a mission where I lost a good friend." One he meant to avenge.
"You leave Utah out of that. You're no good for her the way you are."
Why did old people have to be so brutally honest? He smiled even though he didn't feel like it. "You haven't changed, Ellie." He pushed off the post and turned. "Nice talking to you."
"Talk," she scoffed. "You call that talk?" She raised her voice when he kept walking away. "When you're really ready to talk, that's when you should go find Utah."
He waved without looking back.
Going back to his dad's didn't appeal to him right now. He drove through town in five minutes, slowing near Moosehead Tavern but passing it by. He wasn't in the mood for company, either. He passed Burl's BBQ and spotted a familiar dirt road. Without giving it much thought, he turned.
Each curve in the narrow dirt road brought memories forward. It was easy to find the old campsite. He pulled to a stop, leaving the truck running, the headlights shining on a long-neglected fire pit. Grass grew among the rocks ringing the pit and what used to be bare dirt around it.
Shutting off the truck, he got out. His loafers crunched over the ground. Near the fire pit, he stopped. A slight breeze flowed through the trees. It was the only sound he heard. Overhead the stars were bright in the night sky.
What would have happened had he not left all those years ago? He would have had more time to spend with Utah, sure. But would they have wound up staying together? Would they have married? Had kids?
She was always so keen on golf. More than likely, she'd have been the one to leave him. They were so young. It was only natural that what they had didn't last. Teenagers had dreams that weren't always realistic. They had futures that needed exploring. Minds that needed education. He couldn't stand here remembering what it had felt like to touch her and not wonder. Maybe he would have blamed her for trapping him. Holding him back. Maybe he would have fallen so in love that it wouldn't matter where they lived. Either way, the past was the past and he couldn't change it.
He didn't know how he was going to avoid her, but that's exactly what he had to do. It would be so easy to lose himself in her, to forget why he was really here. He had to stop whatever was brewing between them before it got out of hand. She wasn't part of his therapy. It wasn't fair to do that to her. He'd come here to show his commander he could follow orders. Once he'd satisfied all doubts, he'd be back in action. Doing anything else would feel like running and hiding like a coward. And he'd be damned if he'd let what happened in West Africa turn him into that. Nothing that happened there was his fault. He hadn't killed anyone. He just hadn't been able to stop the ones who had.
That creeping sensation encroached again, guilt despite his knowledge it wasn't his fault. Anger. Mostly at himself. And no matter how much he wanted to deny it, doubt. He doubted his capabilities now. At the end of the summer, that's what he planned to overcome. But the only way he could do that was to go back and take on the next mission assigned to him. Prove he could do it. Succeed without anyone dying. And yes, seek revenge.
###
In the morning, Mason wasn't so sure of his resolve. All he could think about was Utah. He wanted her too much to be in the same town with her. What kind of torture was that? A tiny thought pricked him that it wasn't torture at all staying here. He found it peculiarly stimulating being back in Timberline. All the quirky personalities. The slow pace. The lack of traffic noise. And Utah. Most of all her.
Maybe it had been too long since his last visit. Eventually, he'd get tired of the monotony. The only problem was, there was nothing monotonous about being with Utah.
Stepping downstairs, he saw his dad sitting at the table with a steaming cup of coffee and the paper, all four letter-sized pages of it. He passed his dad and poured himself a cup of coffee.
"You were home early last night," his dad said.
Mason came to the table and slouched in a chair, blowing steam over the top of his cup as he looked at his dad.
"Thought you were taking Utah to Angler's."
Mason sipped some hot coffee, not answering, recognizing his dad's leading tone.
"She stand you up?"
"Yep."
His dad nodded with a short laugh. "Serves you right."
Mason put his cup down. "Why is everyone on Utah's side?"
"'Cause everyone knows you're the one who left her the first time."
"That was years ago. We were stupid kids then."
"Why'd you come home, Mason?"
It was the same question he always asked and it gave him the same reaction. Anger squeezed his chest, his only defense against the horrible memories. He felt his jaw clench and tension squeeze his temples.
His dad's face softened with sympathy. "You need to talk about it, son."
"Nothing to talk about." Damn it all, what was the deal with people in this town? Did they hold community meetings to discuss everyone's welfare and decide what was best without them in the room?
"Oh, there's plenty. I see it in your eyes every ti
me it comes up. You came home for a reason. Why don't you just get it over with and tell me what's got you so eaten up inside?"
Mason shoved his chair back and leaned forward, losing a feeble struggle for control of his anger. "I came here for some peace and quiet!"
His dad didn't even flinch. "Just tell me."
An image flashed in his mind. He closed his eyes, fighting against it. A bloody body. Two. Then a glimpse of more. No. He couldn't go there. He couldn't see it again. The images rolled on. Gunfire going off. Rapid and loud. And accurate. Their target ran inside a dirty stone building. The village was deserted.
The images returned. He and his men made their way to the building. There was nowhere else for the target to go. Orders were to go in, get the package--dead or alive--and get out. It happened a lot different than that.
Opening his eyes, he saw pity in his father's eyes and began to grow angry.
"You can't keep it buried the rest of your life. It'll ruin you."
"I have my own way of dealing with it." He had a plan.
"There was a time when that would be enough. But this isn't something you can do on your own. I can see what it's doing to you. Confront it, son. Don't keep it inside you."
His dad wanted him to talk about it. How could he describe in words what he'd seen? He never wanted anyone to know the horror of it, much less relive it. No, there was no other way to handle this. He'd get back with his team and conquer it that way. He'd make it his life mission. Never again would the enemy fool him. Not like that. Not like West Africa.
"That's what I did when your mother died. Kept it inside me. For too many years."
Uncertain what his dad meant, Mason's attention sharpened and changed focus. Dad never talked about Mom.
"I wanted to bury losing her. Bury the pain. I didn't want to live without her. But you were just a young boy. You needed me." He paused and Mason knew his father wasn't really seeing him. "She was taken from me so fast, I..." His dad shook his head. "I didn't know what hit me. Years passed before I began to accept I'd never see her again. But even then, I couldn't talk about it. It wasn't until Mamie and I started to get close that I was able to truly let her go."
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