The Alex Shanahan Series

by Lynne Heitman

  I blinked at him. He waited, eyebrows raised. I took another drink of the chilled wine, letting it roll over my tongue. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  Because I haven’t gotten over you. “Do you know what that drawing means? Has Lenny told you—has anyone told you what’s been going on around here?”

  “Lenny makes a point of not telling me anything, which is one of the reasons why I’m here.”

  “Are you saying you don’t know anything about the rumors and why they set that bomb off?”

  “I didn’t say that. I said that Lenny didn’t tell me. And I don’t want to talk about him. Were you seeing anyone in Denver?”

  I inched back. He didn’t move, and yet he felt so much closer. In our good times I’d always felt better with him—safer, surer of my footing. He had confidence to burn, and sometimes when I’d touched him, I’d known what that felt like, not to be afraid of anything.

  “Why do you want to know if I was seeing someone?”

  “Because I heard that you were.”

  “And why would that matter to you?”

  I didn’t feel the pointed end of that question until he straightened up as if he’d been poked in the stomach. He reached for the bottle of red and poured another glass. When he drank the wine, I could almost track its warming flow through his system, and it seemed to me that he was trying to relax, trying to get the words just right. That he didn’t have the right words and exactly the right way to say them was disarming.

  “I used to see you around headquarters,” he said, “across the cafeteria, turning a corner at the end of a corridor. Or sometimes I’d be sitting in a meeting and I’d see you walk past the open door.” He shook his head and smiled, as if the memory gave him pleasure. “You know how my office looks out over the parking lot? I’d watch for you in the evenings going out to your car. I’d stay at my desk waiting, finding something to do. I never wanted to go home until I saw you.”

  I stared down at my hands in my lap and remembered all of the times I’d stood at my car and glanced up for him—quickly and furtively so that no one, especially Bill, would catch me—just to know that he was there. And I remembered the emptiness I’d felt when the light was off and he was gone. I’d never seen him looking back. But then, that had been the story all along. I’d always reached for him and never felt him reaching back.

  “Alex, I couldn’t stand the thought that you were with someone else. It made me crazy. A hundred times over the past year, I almost called you.”

  “Why? To find out if I was seeing anyone else? Because in the end, Bill, when I wanted you to call me, when I needed to hear from you, you weren’t there.”

  “As I recall, you dumped me.” He said it with a little smile, trying but not succeeding to sound light. “You didn’t want to see me anymore.”

  I caved back into my chair, instantly weary from the notion that as hard as I’d tried to help him understand, he hadn’t gotten it then, and he still didn’t get it. “It was not you, Bill. It was never you. It was the circumstances. For me, they began to overwhelm everything, and you wouldn’t change them.”

  “Alex, I couldn’t go public about us.”

  “I wasn’t asking you to call a press conference. All I wanted was to stop sneaking around like a couple of fugitives. I wanted to be able to go out to dinner without worrying that someone might see us together. I wanted to stop feeling as if I wasn’t worthy of being with you. The longer that went on, the more I started to feel that you … you were ashamed of me.”

  “You know that wasn’t it. I was about to be named chairman, and I could not be involved with a woman who worked for me. The company has rules about that. And it wouldn’t have been good for you, either.” I resisted snapping back. I had always hated it when he’d made a decision that clearly benefited him, then turned it around to make it sound as if he were really doing it for me.

  He reached for the bread, which I hadn’t even noticed had arrived, and tore off a piece that was dark and dense. “All I’m saying is you could have given it a little more time. You could have waited.”

  “The minute I raised the issue, Bill, the very second I spoke up and finally asked for what I wanted, you backed off. You were suddenly unavailable. You were in meetings. You were traveling. You stopped calling.” I took a breath and tried to steady my voice, which was starting to inch up the decibel scale. I wanted to tell him how deeply painful that had been, how thoroughly destabilizing, how it had removed from me any sense of security and self-confidence I’d managed to nurture in the shelter of our relationship. But I thought if I did, I would start crying. “It wasn’t about timing, Bill. It was you not wanting to be with me as much as I wanted to be with you.”

  There. I’d said it. I’d ripped off the scab, and it hurt as much now as it had then. Maybe more.

  “And the worst part, the worst thing you ever did to me, was to not tell me. You disappeared. First, you didn’t want to be seen with me—”

  “That is not true, and you know it.”

  “—then you vanished from my life. And I had to keep going to meetings with you and sit across the table from you and watch you give presentations. And you, all the while ignoring me, or pretending I wasn’t there. I couldn’t stand it anymore. That’s why I left.” I reached out and touched the base of my wineglass. “At least I told you I was leaving. You were gone long before we ever said good-bye.”

  The words were old, the feelings familiar, the hurt still there. This was well-trod territory for us, and I was disappointed to realize that there was nothing new here.

  Henry reappeared to top off our glasses. As he served, I looked out at the other tables, because I couldn’t look at Bill. What do you know? We weren’t the only two people in the world tonight. A sprinkling of women dotted the dining room, but I could hear only men’s voices. It was as if the years of exclusivity in this place had filtered out the sound of a female voice. I tried to tell from their faces what they were saying. Were they happy? Sad? Hurt?

  The cubes rattled as Henry slipped the bottle of burgundy back into the ice bucket. I looked at Bill. “Why would you come here like this? Why would you want to dredge all this up again?”

  “You called me.”

  “I called for professional support.”

  His gentle smile acknowledged my stubborn self-deceit and, at the same time, let me get away with it. “You’re so smart about these things, Alex—smarter than I am. I thought you would have figured it out by now.”

  “I haven’t figured anything out, Bill.”

  It was his turn to look around the room and gather his thoughts. “You scared me.”

  “I what?”

  He leaned forward and lowered his voice. He was speaking quietly, but with so much urgency, I couldn’t look away. “You’re right. I did back off. At the time I thought … I don’t know what I thought, that it was best for you, that with two careers, both of us in the same company, it was never going to work out. But the truth was, I was thinking about you all the time. When I was with you, when I wasn’t with you. I couldn’t get you out of my head.”

  “That’s how people feel when they’re in love. It’s how I felt about you.”

  “I never felt that way about my ex-wife—or anyone else, for that matter. I thought that because I couldn’t control this thing, it was a weakness, some kind of a failure of will. I’ve never lost control like that. I thought the best thing was to take a break, to let things cool off a little.”

  “If you had just told me that’s what you were doing—”

  “I wasn’t thinking about what that might do to you. It was a mistake and I came here to apologize to you. I’m sorry, Alex. I’m sorry.”

  I sat back in my chair and felt the resentment I’d been carrying around, the intractable knot of bitterness, begin to melt like the butter softening on the plate in front of me. I looked at his face. He’d shaved since this morning, shaved for me. I remembered how it felt to touch his hair. It was thick and
dark and rich, the kind of hair Italian and Greek men take to their graves.

  “All I can tell you is that I miss you. I miss talking to you and holding you and laughing with you. There’s no one else in my life that I feel that way about. And I miss being with you, making love to you. When I got your message, I can’t tell you how that made me feel after so long. And when I saw you today in that meeting, being that close without being able to touch you, I thought I was going to grab you right there in front of all those people. I took it out on poor old what’s his name with the funny hair.”

  “Big Pete.”

  “Even now … just seeing you again…”

  I could feel his eyes on me, on my hair, on my eyes, my lips, my throat, and I began to feel a flush rising under that big sweater.

  “I need you,” he said. It was a statement so elegant in its simplicity and so powerful, I felt the distance he had come to say it to me, and not geographical distance.

  His hand, when he offered it to me, palm up, looked like a cradle. The candle in the center of the table threw an odd light on it, making it seem to glow in the dim corner where we sat.

  Leaving him had been painful beyond belief, like cutting off one of my arms at the shoulder with a dull knife. The wound still throbbed, especially at night. Or early in the morning before dawn when my room was silent and my bed was empty and I was thinking about starting another day alone. I always told myself that it had been the best thing for me, that there had been good reasons. But time and distance had made it harder to remember what they were. And even if I could, this close to him, it wouldn’t have mattered. It might not have mattered even if he hadn’t said he was sorry. What mattered at that moment was his hand reaching out to me. What mattered were the things my body still remembered when I closed my eyes. I felt him in my skin, my muscles, my bones—every part of me, the deepest part of me remembered how I’d felt with him and wanted to feel again.

  I woke up in the dark and he was breathing next to me, the long, measured breathing of deep sleep. When my eyes adjusted, I could see his face, half buried in the pillow, lips parted like a boy’s. His hair had fallen down over his eyes, and I resisted the urge to push it away, to put my lips softly on his. I didn’t want to wake him.

  As I turned to the other side, he put one arm around me and pulled me close until my skin was next to his. I put my arm over his and it felt exactly right, as if we were two pieces of broken ceramic fit back together, fit together so tightly that the wound disappears.

  I went to sleep thinking I could feel his heartbeat, thinking that I never wanted to wake up alone again.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  The air felt steamy when I opened my eyes, and warm, like a tropical rain forest. I expected Bill to appear from the bathroom, an apparition in the moist vapor, but his voice came from across the room. He was at the desk talking on the phone. I smiled at the sight. He was obviously discussing weighty issues because he had his professional voice on. But he was sitting, legs crossed, wearing nothing but a thick white towel across his lap. He caught me watching and signaled that he’d be off soon. I stretched lavishly in the big Four Seasons bed—I couldn’t reach the bottom with my toes or the sides with my fingertips—then curled up into a twist of cool, extremely high-thread-count hotel sheets.

  “Call me back when you figure it out.” His tone suggested it should have already been figured out. “I’ve got a conference call in an hour. Don’t make me late.”

  He hung up and sat at the desk, staring at me, forehead wrinkled, looking concerned.

  “Who …” I cleared the sleep out of my voice. “Who was that?”

  “Tony Swerdlow.”

  “In Denver?” I checked the bedside clock-radio.

  “I’m about to negotiate one of the biggest aircraft deals in the company’s history, and this guy’s home in bed sleeping.”

  “Bill, that’s what people do at three-thirty in the morning.”

  “Not if they haven’t done their work. He’s a week late with my performance data, I’m talking to Aerospatiale in an hour, and I can’t wait any longer.”

  “No one sleeps until the Big Cheese is satisfied.” The teasing brought a smile. He wrapped himself in the towel and came over to the bed, leaned down and kissed me. “Especially you.”

  The feel of his smooth chest against the palm of my hand, the smell of him, the taste of him—after going without him for so long, one night was not enough. “Come back to bed.”

  “I have to shave.”

  “For a conference call?”

  “I don’t want to be late. They’re already going to be ticked off.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m supposed to be there in person.” He smiled, waiting for me to catch on.

  “And instead you’re here with me.”

  I had to let that sink in. In all our time together, I’d been the one to arrange my life around him. I couldn’t remember a single time when he’d done it for me. The fact that he had this time was surprising. More than surprising. It was shocking—and really sexy.

  He straightened to go, but I reached out and barely caught the corner of his towel. It came off easily with a quick flick of the wrist. When he tried to grab it, I drew it under the covers with me.

  He stood for a moment looking at the clock, but I pulled back the sheets to invite him in, and he slipped into my arms and stretched out beside me.

  “You make me stupid,” he murmured softly in my ear.

  His skin was warm, his hair still damp from the shower. Last night in the dark, I had rediscovered his body—the way his back curved under my hand, the feel of the rough scar on his knee when it brushed against my leg, the way his long eyelashes felt soft on my face when he closed his eyes.

  I found the line of his backbone and traced it up and down, going a little farther each time until I heard the catch in his breath and felt his hands on my back.

  “How am I ever going to work around you? I can’t keep my hands off you.” And he couldn’t. “You made me crazy yesterday in that meeting. I was imagining you under that sweater, thinking about what it would be like to take it off you.”

  “Show me.”

  I felt his hand on my hip. “This is where it started, right? About here?”

  “More like here.” I pushed his hand down until I felt it on my thigh.

  “Mmmm, I think you’re right.” Then slowly, very slowly, he pushed the imaginary sweater up—a millimeter at a time, his fingertips like feathers tracing the shape of my hipbone, the curve of my waist, stopping to linger on all those good places he still remembered.

  “Don’t stop doing that,” I whispered.

  He lifted my hands over my head and ran a fingertip up the underside of each arm. I closed my eyes and as he moved over me, I wrapped myself around him and felt the letting go. Boston, the ramp, Lenny and the Petes, Ellen Shepard and Dan Fallacaro—none of it was important. Nothing mattered except the feel of him inside me and this moment.

  “I have to get dressed.” He was lying on his back with his eyes closed. Untangling his legs from mine, he rolled off the bed and found his towel, which had somehow ended up on the floor. Before he went into the bathroom, he pulled the sheet and then the blanket all the way up and tucked them under my chin. “Don’t distract me anymore.”

  By the time he came back out, I had gathered in all the pillows on the bed and propped myself up so that I could watch him. I’d always loved watching him dress.

  “I need to ask you something,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Why do you have Lenny working for you?”

  “Because he’s got valuable contacts in Washington, which has proved very helpful on some of these big route-authority cases. He’s not my best operating guy, he’s definitely high-maintenance, but I can get what I need from him.” He chose two ties and held them against his suit for me to see.

  “I like the darker print,” I said, “and Lenny doesn’t get the job done. He hires fool
s like me or like Ellen who will go to any lengths not to fail, which means he won’t fail.”

  “Which means I won’t fail. What’s wrong with that?”

  “Don’t you care about his methods?”

  He put the rejected tie back, then sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me, pulling on his socks. “Is that why you called? Because you’re having problems with Lenny?”

  “Do you think I would call you to intervene in a dispute with my boss?” When he didn’t answer, I poked him through the covers with my big toe. “Do you?”

  “No. So what is going on? And tell me fast because I’ve only got twenty minutes.” He went into the bathroom, then came out searching. “Have you seen my watch?”

  “It’s right here.” I plucked it off the nightstand and tossed it to him. “I get twenty minutes?”

  “We would have had more time if we hadn’t—”

  “All right, I’ll give you the Cliff Notes version.” I adjusted the pillows so that I could sit up straight. “I’m not sure that Ellen Shepard killed herself.”

  He paused while buckling the watch and looked up. “That’s a provocative statement.”

  “It’s possible someone killed her and made it look like a suicide.”

  “I had a feeling that’s what this was all about.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s a perfect setup for you. It appeals to all of your instincts as defender of the weak, pursuer of justice, she who rights all past wrongs—”

  “I take it you don’t believe the rumors about Ellen’s death.”

  “All this talk, those dreadful drawings, that’s the kind of mean-spirited gossip traded in by people with small minds who live in small worlds and have nothing better to do but chatter on about this sad woman. It’s a tragic, tragic situation, and no one should be using it for their entertainment.”

  “I don’t have a small mind, I don’t find this entertaining, and this is my twenty minutes.”

  “It makes me angry.”

  “So you said. You also said you’d listen to me.”

  “I’m sorry. Go ahead.”