by Elle Scott
The stale mood of this place grates at me as I walk through the monotonous and stagnant foyer to the elevator. If I were here under any other circumstance I imagine I'd be in awe of its vastness and technology, but now? It isn't home and it's depressing. I wander through the food court; my whole body feels heavy—like too many blankets are draped over me stopping me from rising above. I watch the ground in front of me as I walk. I remember this state of being all too well—it's despair, it's hopelessness, it's clouding my mind and consuming my soul. I never wanted to feel this way again. The pain of not only my aches but everyone else’s. I never wanted to let my own sorrow swallow me up to only spit me out, laying hard at rock bottom. I feel it though; the darkness spills out of my heart and it will soon fill me from my feet upwards. Then there is this new emotion trickling amongst the old, it's unfamiliar and confusing. I've never felt so unsure of myself. Even when I was a teen and depressed about my mother, I still knew who I was—why I was acting the way I did. It was all purposeful.
Now?
Now I'm still watching that merry-go-round and I'm still begging for a hand. I'm screaming for a hand. But the only hand that reaches out to me, is both a comfortable yet now inconceivable choice.
For a brief moment, I consider knocking on Xander's door but instead I press the key-line to my room. The familiarity of this room doesn't help the way I'm feeling. How I long for my bedroom at my old house. Even the way my bed has been set up here is wrong. The wooden frame, scratched with etchings of my initials, is replaced with hard plastic white base. Gone is the bright blue quilt with purple love hearts and mismatched orange pillow case. Those kinds of things seemed so tacky to me at the time, how valuable perception is. Still, with perception in mind, I guess this blank bed scape is preferable to a bed of straw or dirt. They said they wanted this room to be like the one we had at the Base, to make the transition a little easier. It's simultaneously pointless and thoughtful. The one difference is scarce but changes everything, there's only one bed. One half of a room that I used to share with Viv.
I walk to the desk where I left her note, trust no one, it said. Did that mean Jennifer also? If there are only a few people here that I can trust, surely she would have just said be careful with your trust, or don't trust that Miles moron.
If I have to choose a side, if I had a gun-pointed-at-my-head to make a life or death choice, who would I trust?
Jennifer, who I've not spent enough time with to know at all?
Miles, who has accusations hurling in his direction faster than soil soaks up water?
Viv, who is not here at all, who has been vague and cold and depressing?
Xander, who a few hours ago would have been my answer, but now can't bear to be with me?
Are those my choices?
Do I even need to make a choice? If not, then I'll head home tomorrow. Grace my father with the presence of his long lost only child and meet my step mother, who maybe will treat me like a daughter of her own. We'll catch up for lost time with vacations, concerts, cuddles, and late night conversations about books and the funny things dogs do.
I pull out the chair and sit as I throw the note down, maybe Viv can explain more to me tomorrow. I begin to pull out my braid as I watch the piece of scrunched up paper scurry along the baron desk. It rolls along like tumble weed until it stops to an abrupt halt as it hits a satchel.
A brown silk satchel sits perched on my desk. That definitely wasn't there earlier today. Someone's been in my room!
In my current state of awareness and thirst for knowledge, I seize the bag and tug at the string that hugs it shut. The satchel sits on my lap wide open, the loose string tickles my thigh and a blue glow emits from inside. I know what this is immediately, but why is it here in my room? I tip the satchel so the tennis ball sized orb falls into my palm. The blue and green swirls light up from the touch of my skin.
I look inside the satchel; a small note sits inside waiting for me to read it.
Eleanora, this is your orb, only one of its kind. Keep it safe with you always and for now, don't let anyone know you possess it.
The writing is small and round, so warm and friendly. Who is it from? It's not Miles, Miles' writing is mostly illegible. Maybe he had someone write it for him?
I carefully place the orb and note back into the satchel and tighten the string into a knot. I open my camera bag, unzip the inside pocket and place the satchel inside.
Crawling into bed, I close my eyes and press my face into the dried tear indents on my pillow.
After all the undesirable knowledge and hurt and confusion this day has brought, I don't feel sad. After darkness has crept throughout my body and threatened to leave me empty, I don't feel hollow. Instead, a small sparkle of light glistens in the distance and it's called hope.
~~~
I'm startled by a knock, a bang, a louder bang—they shake the foundations of my door. I drag my feet along the polished cement floor and with half closed eyes find the key-line to open my door. Miles enters my room and storms past me without an invitation.
‘Close the door,’ he demands.
I look at him sideways but do what he says anyway, I'm too drowsy to argue. He pauses for a moment, and I wonder why the hell he is in here at this time of night. I glance at my clock, it's five thirty in the morning. He must be upset I didn't meet him.
‘I'm sorry I didn't show tonight,’ I begin.
‘You're apologising to me?’ he shakes his head, ‘It's not about that… Do you trust me Nora?’
I don't know why at this moment my heart feels swollen, it burns inside my chest. I look away from him. ‘I want to.’
‘I've not made it easy, I'm so sorry Nora. This is crazy, it's bigger than all of us. You need to pack your bags!’ He's frantic and calm at the same time.
‘What do you mean?’ I'm only now fully opening my eyes.
He opens my closet and pulls out a duffel bag. ‘Just the necessities. Whatever you can carry.’ He pauses for a moment before adding, ‘Anything… special.’
I don't move, I don't say anything, but my mind is spinning into overdrive. Has something happened? Is the building on fire? Can't I just sleep some more?
‘I need you to trust me, we don't have time to go over everything now. Viv will be back tomorrow; my dad will be here in the morning. Please Nora, pack!’ He holds the bag out towards me, willing me to take it.
He keeps saying my name in that silken yet rustic tone of his and I want to scream at him to stop, Viv told me not to trust anyone! I step away from him and turn to my desk. Without saying anything, I reach for the note from Viv sitting solo on my desk and hold it safe in my hand.
‘This is happening Nora, right now. For too long, I've leaned on the hope that things will suddenly make themselves better. Now I know, it's up to me—it's up to us, if I don't DO something, nothing will change. There are people who want to get their hands on the orbs my father hides, but I also feel like they are too powerful for him. Can I handle them? No, but you can—together—we can. It doesn't make sense, I get that. I'm not forcing you either, it's your choice. But let me tell you, if you decide to stay, before you wake up in the morning some people you can't trust will force their views on you. They will tell you things that, in their mind, are legitimate reasons to help them steal the orbs. Reasons that are strong enough to allow them to take over your actions, fill your head with lies, bring harm to you!’
My face drops. ‘What people?’
‘I'm pleading Nora, you know this place is under surveillance,’ he turns his head up and points around, ‘I have to leave now they've seen me defy them. Why would I throw myself into the firing squad like this? Why? You CAN trust me Nora, come with me willingly.’
‘What about Xander? His sister?’
He shakes his head. ‘We can't wait for them; trust me I want to. It's too late.’
I stare at him, my lungs doubling their normal breathing rate.
‘There's no facade here,’ he waves his hand
in front of his desperate face, ‘I can't get any more real and raw and earnest than this. If you can't see that now, then I have no hope in convincing you.’
I graze my teeth over my bottom lip and look at my hand holding Viv's note. Without giving myself a chance to second guess myself, I hold it out to him and we swap the duffel bag for the piece of tormented scrunched up paper.
As I throw things into the bag I can hear Miles de-crumpling the note I handed him, the one Viv handed to me, in secret, with trust. I let him read it.
Trust no-one, we can't talk here. In time, you will know the truth.
‘They got to you first.’ I don't know if he is saying it to me because his voice is so low I can only just make out the words.
I zip the bag and stand before him, he holds up the note with a sorrowed smile. ‘You made the right choice.’
He spins his back pack around to retrieve a portal orb.
‘Wait!’ I burst, rushing past him—I almost forgot my camera bag.
He waits with one hand holding the orb and the other stretching out to me. I look to the floor, feel the cement cold and hostile on my bare feet, my big toes criss-crossing and tumbling over each other—anything to look at his face. Then I do the unthinkable, I clutch my bags over my shoulder and take his hand.
‘Are you ready?’
‘No.’
EIGHTEEN
Vivian
I walk along the path in trepidation, I've walked along here so many times before but every time I still find it unnerving. I hold something different in my hands this visit, a small mason jar filled with the contents of glow sticks and added diamond dust. I'm hoping when it gets dark it will light up like the night sky, he always loved looking up at the universe beyond our world.
I suck the clean air through my flared nostrils and it spills out with force through my mouth. The path ahead of me splits into three ways, I veer to the left and close my eyes. I hate this part. I open my eyes and his is the first one I see, the granite so dark and distinct.
I remove the wilted carnations that cover the base and throw them behind me, I should have gotten a replacement bunch. I brush the broken petals and leaves away and place the mason jar in their place.
‘Hi Seth,’ I speak tenderly. I want to show him I'm happy, but the only thing I'm positive about is that the sadness seeps through. ‘Happy Birthday, I brought you the stars.’
I laugh to myself and shake my head. It never gets easier, coming here, I always feel awkward and foolish, yet I still speak. I ramble like I'm sitting in a psychologist’s office unloading my mind and baring my soul.
‘Nora and Xander are here, finally! I've been waiting for this day for such a long time. I've missed her so much. It's been so hard pretending for so long, I can't wait till the waiting is over and it can all begin to end. I don't know how I will do it without you. I know, I know, I say it every month—I don't know how I've come so far without you. In reality, my love, it's you that's kept me going. Whenever I feel like I'm going to fall apart and burst at the seams, I see the look on your face… you know the one. I can see you on your knees and inside I'm screaming as loud as I possibly can for them to stop, but you know they won't and somehow you make peace with it. You make peace with it long enough to send me a look of love… of strength. It worked, it is still working. It drives me and helps me, it makes the masquerade bearable. When I look into Miles’ eyes and pretend we are good and I'm on his side, instead of looking into his tarnished soul with hatred—I use it as fuel to get to the end goal. We are so close Seth! So close. Kate will be here any day now and even if Xander and Nora don't jump on board with me before then, she is sure to convince them. I need to be careful, I know Nora is innocent but I'm not so sure about Xander.’
I take a breath as I hear footsteps become louder up the path. I'm sure other people talk to their loved one’s graves but I'd still feel stupid if someone heard me or the things I was saying.
‘Hi there sweetheart,’ a warm and friendly voice emits right behind me.
I jump to my feet and greet the voice with elation. It's Seth's dad.
He bares his teeth in a wide smile, much like Seth’s but without the perfectly straight teeth. He is tall, and wears a long black coat over the top of a suit. Always with the suit. His hair is thick and his brown eyes glisten in the afternoon sun. Warmth emanates from his presence.
‘How is it all going?’ he says kindly. ‘I should have known you'd be here.’
He bends down and places some carnations in front of the mason jar.
‘I'm good, as good as I can be today. How are you?’
‘Sick of waiting, frankly,’ he says with a twinge of bitterness. ‘Are they here yet?’
‘Yes! They arrived two days ago, now we need to bide our time for only two more days and she'll be back with the tablet.’
‘Are you ready? Is your team completely checked out on the inside?’
‘They are all set up, trust me! Jennifer, Marcus, Sam and I have been ready for a while.’ I laugh to bring the mood back up; he knows the answers to these questions and I don't want to make our visit to Seth all about 'the cause'.
‘Sorry,’ he squeezes my shoulder, ‘I know, you're right. I just don't want a repeat of five years ago. I don't want my future to be me standing here looking at your grave beside his.’
‘I know.’ I smile back.
Ever since Seth and my engagement, his Dad has always been my father figure. From the moment we met, he tucked me under his wings and gifted me with so much knowledge and wisdom. He's never been the unattainable Professor Nichols to me, he's just David—my gentle caring tower of strength and guide. I'm so grateful nothing changed when Seth was killed. If anything, our bond is stronger, cemented with our love and memory of Seth.
‘What's wrong?’ he always reads people so well.
‘I'm just, it's the connection they have with Miles—it concerns me.’
‘Mm… that was always the deciding factor. Which is why we have Kate, yes?’
‘Yes,’ I recall the way Nora and Xander listened to and trusted Miles when they departed the Corridor, ‘I hope that she is enough.’
‘She will be,’ this time he is the one who reassures me. ‘And if she isn't, she will still bring us the tablet and all the power its contents possess.’
~~~
After we spend some time at Seth's grave, we make our way to their family home. I am looking forward to seeing Beth, Seth's mum, I haven't seen her in a few months.
As we walk up the driveway, David puts his arm around me and reminds me not to talk 'business' inside. I never do, but he likes to reinforce the rule every time I visit.
No sooner have we opened the front door when Seth’s mum, Beth comes bounding towards the foyer, ‘Vivian!’ I’m greeted with a welcome only she can give, her mere presence is like a warm hug. So inviting, so uplifting, so full of life. And then she actually hugs me and I never want to leave.
David walks down the hall to the kitchen and I make my way into the dining room. Photos in frames circle the entire room, they are full of family. Seth and my engagement photo is larger than the others, I don't know why this makes me happy but it does. I sit down at the dining table, it's so full of food there's not much room left for our plates. A large roast chicken is resting in the middle—it's surrounded by peas, corn on their cobs, baked potatoes with herbs sprinkled over them, carrots, spinach, mashed parsnip. My mouth salivates from the sight and significant aroma they've created. It's our yearly tradition. The highlight of my year is being with Seth's family for his birthday. It's bitter-sweet but it's home to me now.
‘Hey Viv,’ Seth's brother Grant pulls his chair out and joins me at the table.
‘Hi beautiful,’ Grant's wife Sarah leans down and we air kiss.
I smile. ‘How are you?’
‘Not too bad, we had to take Leonard to the vet yesterday, he had a nail stuck in his paw,’ Sarah says.
‘Oh no! Is he okay?’ Beth brings out a bottle of
Pinot and starts pouring it meticulously into glasses.
‘He's fine, it didn't go too deep. One pull and it was out but I still wanted to take him to the vet just in-case. Love that mutt!’ Grant says.
‘What was the bill like?’ I ask, and instantly regret it.
‘Oh shit, you don't want to know. Bloody ridiculous if you ask me. It costs more to take a…’
‘Oh my GOD! Oh my goodness, really?’ Beth shrieks.
‘Are you teasing me?‘ Grant asks.
‘Are you pregnant?’ Beth returns his question with one of her own.
Grant just sits there with his mouth agape.
‘I just said no to wine, that's all,’ Sarah laughs.
‘So… you're not?’ Beth asks.
‘We kind of wanted to wait for everyone to be here before we said anything,’ Grant replies.
‘I knew it, I knew it, I knew it,’ Beth shrieks. She pulls Grant to his feet and wraps her arms around her son. He towers over her and her face gets lost in his chest, she reaches her hand to Sarah and drags her into the embrace.
I watch them entangled in each other, celebrating with joy and all I can feel inside is emptiness.
‘What's all the noise for?’ David is cheery as he walks into the room and takes his place at the end of the table.
‘Oh,’ Beth emerges herself from out of the bundle. ‘Nothing at all Grandpa!’
‘What's this Grandpa business?’ Seth's youngest brother Adam says, as he clambers down the stairs.
Grant clears his throat, ‘well seeing as everyone is here, we've got some news… Sarah and I are expecting a baby!’