Well Hung

by Lauren Blakely

  “Nice ink,” I say when she turns around.

  Absently, she runs her hand along her neck and flashes a bright smile. “Thanks, just had it done. And how are my favorite guys?’’

  “Oh, we’re grand,” Nick says, drumming his hand on the counter.

  Penny laughs and shakes her head. “I meant Turbo and Charger,” she says, pointing to the dogs we walked, who are now romping in an open play area behind her. Gotta love a shelter that gives badass names to little dudes.

  “Those guys are rad. They totally live up to their names,” I say.

  “Good to hear. Someone is coming in later to check out Charger,” she says, gesturing to the dog Nick walked. She crosses her index and middle finger. “I’m hoping it works out. The guy who’s coming in just wanted to make sure he’s not a big barker or howler. Apartment concerns and all. Was he noisy when you walked him? Because he’s good here.”

  My spine straightens, and Nick gulps then quickly weighs in. “He only howls at fire trucks.”

  Penny’s nose crinkles. A small constellation of freckles is splashed across it. “Maybe Turbo is best for him, then.”

  I shrug happily and nod. “Yeah, and that little Chihuahua is one cool canine, so let’s hope it works out.”

  She holds up her palm and high fives me then Nick. “Thanks again, guys. See you on Friday?”

  “We’ll be here,” I say, then point to her iPhone. It’s plugged into a base behind her, and is playing a cool tune. “Love that band. Heard them for the first time the other week.”

  “Me, too,” she says, her hazel eyes blazing with excitement. “I love finding new music.”

  Nick clears his throat and jumps in, “Hey Penny, did you know Wyatt can howl?”

  Penny raises an eyebrow. “You don’t say?”

  “He’s a man of many talents. He can build you a house, he can cook a killer omelet, he can track down awesome new tunes, and he can bark at the moon. He’s also free on Friday night if you—”

  And my hand darts out to cover Nick’s mouth. “I was free on Friday. But I just booked a job for Friday night.”

  Penny laughs at our antics. “Thanks for walking the dogs, guys.”

  When we leave, Nick tips his forehead toward the rescue. “What’s the deal? You’ve been hot for Penny for months. And you don’t ask her out? I was fluffing her for you.”

  I shrug. “Just got stuff going on.”

  “You mean you turned celibate?”

  I snort. “Not celibate. I assure you.”

  Nick stares at me for several long seconds. He squints as if he’s thinking hard about something, then raises an eyebrow. “Did something happen in Vegas?”

  I stop short on the sidewalk. “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “You’ve been acting different since then.”

  “No idea what you’re talking about,” I say, even though inside I’m wondering how the hell my brother became so fucking observant.

  “Seems a few months ago you’d have happily jumped at the chance to chat up Penny. She’s perfect for you. So all I can figure is something went down in Vegas with Natalie, and that’s why you’re not pursuing things with Penny.” Nick gets in my face and stares at me with big bug eyes. “Who’s giving good advice now?”

  I shove his chest lightly. “What was the advice in that? Sounded more like an observation, and not even an accurate one.” It’s not that I don’t trust my brother and not that I don’t want to get into it with him.

  The big issue is I haven’t got a clue what to do about Natalie, and I’m not ready to start blabbing about our little fucked-up union to everyone. That’s not fair to her. “And on that note, I’ve got somewhere to be.”

  I’m meeting Natalie soon.

  As I catch the subway to head downtown, I half wish I had asked out Penny. Mostly, though, I wish I wanted to. I wish I wanted to ask anyone else on a date half as much as I want to grab a coffee with a woman who’s on her way to becoming my ex-wife.

  24

  Before I see Natalie, I make a planned pit stop in Greenwich Village to see Chase.

  I hold the yellow and black magnetic tool up to the wall in the apartment, scanning the plaster surface. “The problem is, this stud finder pretty much goes off constantly when I’m around,” I deadpan.

  “Har, har, har,” Chase says as I search for the studs in the living room wall of the one-bedroom he’s considering leasing. “Think you’ll ever retire that joke?”

  I shake my head as I rap my knuckles against the wall. “Some jokes never get old. Anyway, here are the studs, so we can set up shelves no problem. I know you want lots of them to show off to the ladies all the big books you’ve read. But you probably won’t even get any chickadees back to your pad, on account of you being so ugly.”

  He sighs deeply. “You’re right. I won’t get them here. Because they won’t be able to wait to climb me like a tree. They’ll be all over me in the elevator.”

  I drop the stud finder into my back pocket then make a persistent beeping noise. “Oh man, it won’t stop going off with me right here.”

  “It’s finding me, obviously,” he says, leaning against the doorframe of his potential living room.

  I point a finger at him. “See? Even you can’t resist. You cannot deny the power of the stud finder joke.”

  He swings his gaze around the empty apartment. The leasing agent let him take a final look before he signs. He asked me to join him to make sure the place didn’t have any hidden structural issues. Not that he’d be on the hook for them, but we’ve both heard horror stories of renters moving into crumbling apartments and then battling landlords for repairs. Best to make sure the home is in solid shape beforehand, and this one looks good. That’s all the more remarkable since it’s an older building, and it’s on a great block with a cobbled sidewalk and cool restaurants.

  Chase gestures to the naked floors and walls. “This place is a steal, huh?”

  “Yeah, snap it up for sure.”

  “Awesome. I think I’ll just go see the leasing agent now. When I asked her for the keys to check it out, all I had to do was flash my killer smile and she handed them over. She’s hot for me.” He bats his hazel eyes as he grins. “She gave me a discount on account of me being so handsome.”

  I roll my eyes. “Dude, she did not give you a discount. One, you’re not Henry Cavill, or the shortstop for the New York Yankees. You don’t have that sort of pull. Second, it’s New York. No one gets a break on an apartment.”

  “You’re just jealous of my amazing ability to land the ladies like that.” He snaps his fingers. Then, in an instant, his tone downshifts to serious. “So, what’s the deal with your wife?”

  I lean against the kitchen doorway and sigh heavily. We both let go of the jokes. “Shit, man, I don’t know. I can’t figure out what the hell to do.” I tell him the latest so he knows the score—our annulment went AWOL, we fucked like bunnies on her desk, and afterward she became the Queen of Do-It-Yourself-Divorce.

  With a frown, Chase scratches his head. “You got me. I’m stumped.”

  “C’mon, Doctor Brain. You’re never stumped.”

  “No, I mean I don’t get what the problem is.” He slams a fist against the other palm. “You could just bang her.”

  I cringe. “That’s a little crass. Besides, it’s not like that.”

  “No. It is like that.”

  I shake my head. “It’s hard to separate all the stuff.”

  “You mean you’ve never had sex without feelings?”

  “Of course I have. I meant it’s hard to separate all the other . . . entanglements. Like the fact that I’m her employer.”

  He taps the right side of his skull. “You put the sex in the sex portion of your head.” He raps the left side. “You put the work in the work portion.” He wipes one palm against the other. “Done.”

  I shake my head, amused. “And my sister wonders why I call you a dog.”

  His eyes light up, and h
is expression shifts from jaded playboy to eager beaver. “Your sister asks about me?”

  I roll my eyes. “Don’t get any ideas. Besides, after what you just said about different portions of your brain, you can stay the fuck away from my sister.”

  “I’m just giving you a hard time. About all of this, including the banging.” Now he’s got his bedside manner in full swing. No teasing, no fucking around. “You know what you need to do. You care about this woman, like I said before. When that happens, there are no separate parts, so you’ve got to shut it down.” He slices his hands through the air. “She’s your employee, so you just can’t go there.”

  That’s what I love about Chase. Half the shit he says is to get a rise out of me, and I respect the hell out of that kind of commitment to ribbing. But when it comes right down to it, the man gets that there are rules of the road, and I need to follow them.

  “You’re right. I’ve got to keep the dick in the box.”

  He mimes opening a gift box at his waist, and I nod in agreement then point to the hardwood floors. “And you and your different brain parts should definitely get this apartment. It’s a good deal.”

  “I think I will. Thanks for checking it out. And hey, if you want a little practice session on how to behave around Natalie, you both should come over to Max’s next weekend. He wanted to throw me a little welcome-back-to-town dinner-thing,” Chase says, mentioning his brother.

  “I’m in. And I’ll ask Natalie, too.”

  He smacks his forehead. “Oh. Forgot to tell you. She’ll be there. Josie is planning it with Max, so she invited Natalie.”

  I roll my eyes. “You’re always up to something.”

  “That pretty much describes me perfectly. Oh, and good luck with that little problem of not being able to separate sex and feelings,” he says with an arched eyebrow as we leave.

  “You got a pill for that, too, Doctor Dick?”

  He gestures to his crotch. “Yeah it’s called Stud Finder.” He thrusts his pelvis once. “And it all points here for the ladies.”

  The thing is Chase is all talk. He was madly in love with some girl during his residency, and, well, let’s just say it didn’t work out the way he wanted it to.

  He’s right, though. There’s more at stake with Natalie than my white-hot desire to bang her brains out night and day. Or my wish to take her to Coney Island and ride the rollercoaster, or take her to a barbecue, or have her be the one by my side at Nick’s wedding.

  What’s at stake is her.

  Natalie has a job that matters to her. The more we mess around, the more I risk putting her in an awkward employment situation. Obviously, I’d never fire her because of this, but I want her to feel comfortable at work. I’ve got to respect the woman’s ability to pay her own bills, and since I’m the one who signs her checks, I can’t let my dick, loyal prick that he is, call the shots.

  That’s not the kind of man I want to be.

  If I keep screwing her, where does that leave her when it all goes south? And it will go south. It’s inevitable. Relationships always do, especially when they start at the office.

  25

  Natalie waits for me at a coffee stand in the Union Square Farmer’s Market, with a bag of strawberries in one hand and a drink in the other. She waves hello, then gives me the beverage. “The way you like it,” she says, and her comment tugs at something in my chest.

  Knowing someone’s coffee order isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of life, but making the effort to get the cup of joe just right is one of those little things that can make you smile.

  However, smiling feels terribly out of place right now. We grab one of the little green tables set up by the edge of the market, surrounded by hipsters chowing down on falafels and drinking ginger sodas. I spin a chair around and park myself in it, resting my forearms over the back. I down a gulp of the coffee and thank her again.

  Natalie tucks a strand of her blond hair behind her ear and flashes a quick grin as she sets the strawberries on the table. Dipping her hand into her purse, she grabs some papers. “I downloaded the packet yesterday for an uncontested divorce in New York. There are a ton of forms, and most don’t really apply, but we should go through them anyway. As I understand it, the whole process could take anywhere from six weeks to a few months.”

  “Whoa. Why so long?”

  “New York makes you jump through hoops.”

  She shuffles through forms about division of marital property, liability for joint debts, child custody and support, spousal maintenance, insurance benefits, and a ton of other legal details that make my head spin Exorcist style. Oh, yeah—they also remind me I’m a complete douche for suggesting we get married that night. What was supposed to be fun and daring has turned into a helluva knot to untangle.

  I shake my head. “Damn, this really makes me feel like a world-class idiot for proposing in the first place. I had no clue it would turn into such a clusterfuck,” I say through a heavy sigh.

  “Me, neither. But what can you do but roll up your sleeves?” She slaps on a smile, and I’ve got to say, I’m impressed she’s rolling with the mess we made of being adults. Then she whispers conspiratorially, “It’s like we’re the naughty kids who snuck out late with the car. But rather than enjoy the thrill of a midnight joyride, we plowed down our neighbor’s mailbox, and now we’re doing extra chores to pay for it.”

  I crack up. “Why do I have the feeling you’re speaking from experience?”

  She points a thumb at herself. “This girl did that.”

  “No shit?”

  “Sixteen and far too dangerous for her own good.”

  “Since we’re playing confessional,” I open with a drawl, “you’re looking in the mirror.”

  Her jaw drops. “You, too?”

  “We went to my uncle’s house during the summer, and I took out his Cadillac and accidentally drove over his neighbor’s rose bushes. He was not happy. I had to catch a train to Jersey every Saturday that summer to mow his lawn and trim the hedges to make up for the cost of the roses.”

  She holds up a hand and we smack palms. “Does this make us the black sheep of our families?”

  “Baa . . .” I say, imitating that animal.

  Her eyes light up. “Can you make animal noises?”

  “You want more?”

  She nods excitedly. “Horse, please.”

  I shake my head quickly and make a neighing sound.

  Holding up a finger, she asks for one more. I decide to break out my seal bark, with a throaty arf, arf, arf that cracks her up.

  “Encore, encore!”

  I shake my head. “That’s all you get from Wyatt’s World of Animal Sounds for now. If you’re a good girl, I’ll show you the lion in my repertoire later.”

  “I can’t wait.”

  I rub my palms together. “Back to Adult Land.”

  We return to the papers, reviewing them. The one that catches my attention like a house on fire is division of marital property. Narrowing my eyes, I stab the pages with my finger. “What’s this? Is that like my apartment or the business or something?”

  She pats my hand gently. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to make a claim on your business.”

  I straighten. “Didn’t think you were,” I say in a testy tone and grab the coffee, but apparently bringing the cup to my lips is too daunting a process, and I succeed in spilling some on my jeans. “Fuck,” I curse, and Natalie grabs some napkins from her purse and hands them to me.

  “Everything okay?” she asks as I wipe at the denim.

  “Yeah.” I meet her eyes. “My ex from long ago tried to dig into my business. Seeing that paper just kind of . . .”

  “Touched a nerve?” she supplies softly.

  I nod. “Stupid, I know.”

  “It’s not stupid. It’s how you feel. I’d probably be the same.”

  I drag a hand through my hair. “You’re not like that. I shouldn’t even be thinking it.”

  She rubs my arm. “
You’re right. I’m not like that. But I get it. I swear I do.”

  “You do?”

  “It makes sense that you’d feel that way. And look, I’d be a little freaked, too, if I were you. You built a successful business. But you have my word, Wyatt. I’m not trying to get a piece of it. We didn’t have a real marriage. We just had a ridiculously fun one that was only ever supposed to last for twenty-four hours. I want this process to go as smoothly as possible, too.”

  “Thanks for understanding. It was just one of those things I never saw coming,” I say, then share a few more details of Roxy.

  “That’s crazy,” she says, shaking her head. “No wonder—”

  I tilt my head when she breaks off. “No wonder what?”

  She waves a hand in front of the pages. “No wonder it would touch a nerve, that’s all. If you want to get a lawyer to handle this, I understand.”

  I scoff and hold up my hands. “No. I swear I don’t. I had more than enough of lawyers with Roxy’s antics. Same with someone who hacked my site several months ago. Had to get an attorney involved then, too. I don’t get why it’s so hard just to stick to the plan. Pretty sure the contract for the website didn’t call for her to hack into it at a later date,” I say, sarcastically. “I just want to put this all behind us.”

  She flashes a too-bright smile. “Agreed. No sharks needed. Let’s keep moving forward.”

  We spend the next twenty minutes reviewing paperwork and signing documents. When we’re done and she puts the pages away, I lift my cup. “Tell me something fun. Something to get the taste of divorce out of my mouth.”

  She grabs a strawberry, twists off the leafy top, and pops it between her lips. “Strawberries taste good. But they’re not actually berries. Did you know that?”

  “I did not. But I like where this is going. Do continue.”

  “Thought you might like that little nugget, since you’re a collector of quirky facts.”

  “What are they, if not berries? Just a regular fruit?”

  She shakes her head and pops another one past her pretty red lips. After she eats, she answers, “A fleshy receptacle for seeds.”