Deeper Than Need: A Secrets & Shadows Novel

by Shiloh Walker

  Ali reached out and touched her arm. “Makes sense. I can’t say I understand how you feel.…” Then she grimaced. “Maybe I’m awful, because I don’t ever want to understand that. But I think you’re handling this a lot better than most would.”

  Trinity closed her eyes. “I feel like I’m not handling it at all. I feel like I’m losing my mind. How is that handling anything?”

  “Well, you’re still sitting here and carrying on a rational conversation.” Ali shrugged. “I’d probably be curled in the truck, doors locked, with a bottle of wine, sucking my thumb.”

  “The only alcohol I have in the house right now is cooking wine.”

  “Hey, whatever works.”

  Despite herself, Trinity felt herself smiling.

  * * *

  The look in Trinity’s eyes just might break his heart.

  It was something of a miracle that he even really noticed, and Noah wasn’t sure if he cared for it or not. He’d almost rather go back to that grey fog where he went through life aware of things, without them really cutting into him.

  This … this hurt. He had this insane desire to just go to her, wrap her in his arms and promise her that things would be okay.

  But what kind of promise was that? How could things be okay when she’d just fallen through rotten wood and found herself only feet away from a decayed corpse?

  Right now, she eyed the house like it was a construct from her nightmares.

  It probably was.

  He was torn between going to her and standing there, dealing with his own nightmare.

  Lana. Was it her? Had they finally found her?

  It could be David. Diane. Even Peter Sutter.

  Just trust me …

  That look in her eyes when she’d reached up to touch his cheek. Just promise me you won’t. Please. Don’t tell, Noah.

  The way David had been watching her. David, so silent, almost eerie … and, once, violent.

  Why had she been meeting him and why was it so crucial that Noah not tell anybody?

  But there were no answers, and without them …

  Closing his eyes, he shoved all of those unanswered questions aside. The discovery of that body in the cellar of the Frampton—no. They’d found the body in Trinity’s house and that discovery solved nothing, answered nothing. For all he knew, the only thing that would come of this was more questions.

  Gravel crunched and he opened his eyes, watched as Detective Jeb Sims moved to stand in front of him. “You know, when I heard you were taking this job, I tried to warn you,” Jeb said.

  Noah rolled his eyes and looked back at the house. “Since when were you into general contracting, Jeb? I thought law enforcement was your thing. Unless you’re giving up your badge?”

  “You always were a smart-ass.” Jeb sighed, shook his head. “I knew this was going to happen, son. I knew it, and I tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen. Now here you are, standing there, looking like a man on the edge of a cliff. Doesn’t it get old, standing on that edge?”

  Noah ran his tongue along the inside of his teeth, told himself to stay level. Going off on a cop never did anybody any good. Noah knew that from experience. Even if Jeb wasn’t a cop, he’d wrestled his temper under control a long time ago. After a few seconds had passed, Noah thought he’d have his voice steady, so he replied, “My balance is pretty decent, Jeb. But I appreciate the concern.”

  “The last time you stood on the edge of a cliff, you didn’t balance. You fell. Hard. Just about killed your folks from the heartbreak, too.”

  Fury rolled to a slow boil inside him as Noah closed the distance between them. He leaned in, staring the shorter man down. Jeb lifted his chin, but Noah just continued to stare. After a taut fifteen seconds passed, he said quietly, “I stand on the edge of a cliff every day I drag myself out of bed. I manage to get by just fine.”

  Turning away, he went back to staring at the house.

  “Are you going to keep on managing just fine if that body turns out to be Lana?”

  “At least I’ll know.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest.

  Trust me.…

  He blocked out the echo of the whisper as Jeb came around to stand in front of him.

  “Son, you just keep fooling yourself with that lie if it helps you sleep at night.” Jeb sighed, a heavy, mournful sound.

  Then he headed back toward the house, joining the cops who were standing on the porch, talking quietly. This was the second weird thing to happen in this town in just a matter of weeks. Just over a month ago, a car had been found in the river. And in the trunk the body of a woman had been found. Noah had heard about it, and although part of him knew it hadn’t been anything, he’d wondered. Waited … it had been the body of Nichole Bell, a mother who’d gone missing fifteen years ago.

  Now they had another body. Instead of focusing on that, Jeb wanted to hassle Noah. For a long minute he eyed the cop’s back, and then Noah lifted his gaze upward. “I know I’m not supposed to dislike anybody, Lord. But that man gets on my very last nerve.”

  Then he looked back at the house, that pit of hell. The source of so many nightmares. Jeb wanted him to regret taking this job? Yeah, Jeb could just take that idea and shove it.

  Noah had been there when Trinity fell. She hadn’t been alone. The boy hadn’t gotten hurt. That mattered to Noah.

  It was a weird thing to take comfort in. Noah didn’t mind it at all. The thought of somebody else being around to hold her while she shivered and tried not to let her boy see how afraid she was put dark and nasty hooks of jealousy inside Noah, tearing at his flesh.

  Worse, though, was the idea of her going through it alone.

  It was a crazy thing, but having his arms around her was the one thing in his life that had actually felt right in a very long time. If only it had been under any other circumstances. Any other circumstances at all.

  * * *

  “Ali’s a nice lady,” Noah said as he pulled up in front of her house.

  Trinity just continued to stroke Micah’s hair.

  Noah cleared his throat. “She doesn’t mind at all you staying with her. If she didn’t want you here, she wouldn’t have offered. So don’t worry about that.”

  Trinity laughed softly. “Right now, I’ve got bigger things to worry about. I was so stupidly grateful when she offered, I might have kissed her.”

  “Okay.” He nodded, feeling awkward. Unsure. He’d felt like that ever since he’d gone into the house with her, carrying Micah’s quiet, sleeping form, so she could pack some clothes. “I just … okay. I want to make this better and I can’t. I can usually find words and I can’t. It bothers me.”

  “You made it better just by being there.” In the darkness of the truck cab, she turned her head to look at him, a sad smile on her lips. “You can’t even know how much better you made it.”

  Lo and behold, that little demon of temptation grabbed him by the throat. Before he could stop himself, he reached up, cupped her cheek. Her eyes widened in surprise, but she didn’t move away. If she’d done that, he could have wrestled everything inside him under control. He could have pulled his hand back, but instead she angled her head ever so slightly so that the silky skin of her cheek rubbed against his palm.

  Now another urge warred inside him, the need to slide his hand around the back of her neck, pull her up against him and taste that mouth.

  Idiot. She’d been through what had to be one of the hardest days she’d ever faced, if not the hardest. The last thing she needed was to have him moving in on her.

  Fumbling for those words that proved to be so elusive, he brushed his thumb down her skin just once. She was so soft. So soft. “It will be okay. Maybe not tonight, and maybe not for the next few days, but it will get better,” he said.

  “I’ve been telling myself that for the past couple of years.” She dropped her head back against the seat. “You ever heard that saying about the light at the end of the tunnel?”

  “Yea
h.” He chuckled, but the sound was more tired than anything else. “It might be light. Or it could just be a train. I know that feeling, all too well.”

  Silence lapsed and he went back to staring at the warm, welcoming lights of Ali’s place. Part of him wished he was a different kind of guy, the kind of guy who could move on what he felt inside, act on what he suspected Trinity felt, too. He’d seen that glint in her eyes, more than once.

  If he could have just acted on that. Clenching his jaw, he shoved his head back into the headrest while a hundred if onlys ran through his mind.

  Maybe if he wasn’t who he was, he could offer to let her and Micah stay with him. Neither of them would have to be alone that night. It didn’t even have to be about anything more than that.

  Shoot, they could have used the pullout sofa in his living room and he would bunk on the chair. Nobody would have been alone with the thoughts in their heads.

  But he was who he was. No escaping it. No changing it.

  It was a bad, bad idea anyway.

  Besides, Ali and Trinity seemed to be pretty friendly. Trinity definitely needed some place where she could relax, maybe let her guard down.…

  She can do that with you. He’d actually love to have her relax around him. Let her guard down. Lean against him, the soft rhythm of her breath warm against his chest. He could tangle his hand in her hair and just hold her. His chest ached just thinking about it.

  “You sure you’re okay staying here?” The question slipped away from him before he could stop it.

  She gave him a wan smile. “Yes. Ali was actually one of the first people I met when I moved here. And Micah likes her boys. He’ll do better having the distraction around. We’ll be fine.”

  “Hopefully, it will just be a few days.”

  From the back there was a sleepy little grumble and then a yawn. “Mama?”

  She turned to look at him. “Hey, sleepyhead.”

  “Where are we?”

  She told him, and just like that the sleepiness was gone from the boy’s voice and he practically started to vibrate in his booster. “We’re staying here? Really? Really?”

  Trinity slid Noah an amused glance and then she nodded. “Really.”

  She had her hands full with Micah for the next few minutes. Once she had him out of the truck, she watched as he bolted up the sidewalk to meet the boys who came whooping out of the house. She didn’t move to follow. Instead, she turned to look at Noah, her eyes grim, her face tight. “Can I be really honest, Noah?”

  He lifted a brow.

  “I’m not in a huge rush to get back to that house. If a lightning bolt struck it tonight, I wouldn’t cry a single tear.”

  He ran his tongue across the inside of his teeth, debated a half-dozen responses before settling on one that seemed neutral enough. “Totally understandable.”

  “It pisses me off.” She watched as Micah and the other boys started to tumble around the yard. Despite the fact that they’d only played together a handful of times, they acted like they’d been born joined at the hip. “That house…”

  Her voice trailed off and she stopped, shaking her head. After a minute, she continued. “When I saw that place, read about this town, I knew I had to come here. It was like home. Something just pulled me here and I knew I had to be here. But now, part of me wants to take off running and never look back. I hate that.”

  “If you weren’t feeling something along those lines, I’d probably be a little concerned.”

  She slid him a look and he just shrugged. “Who in the world could be expected to take this in stride?”

  “You look like you’re handling it well.”

  He lifted a brow. “You obviously aren’t a mind reader. You ever watch Scooby-Doo when you were a kid?”

  “When I was a kid?” She scoffed and plucked a thread from her shirt. “I watch it now. Only the good stuff, though. Forget those stupid remakes.”

  “I knew you were a woman of excellent taste.” He grinned at her. Then, tossing his keys up in the air, he caught them, tossing them up again, focusing on that simple task instead of the words that formed in his head. “Maybe I look like I’m handling it well. But if you could see inside my head, you’d know that for the past few hours, I’ve felt about like Shaggy. Right when they found a really, really bad house and Fred and Velma want to go inside, and all he can do is stand there and go, I’m not going in there. You can’t make me.”

  “Not even for a Scooby Snack?” A faint smile curved her lips.

  “Not for a hundred of them.” He thought maybe she could talk him into it. For a smile. A kiss. Even if she just needed him to go in there for some reason, he’d do it. But that was about the only thing that could make him go in there willingly just then. Then he shrugged and opened the door. “Sooner or later, I’m going to have to go inside. I know it and I’m not happy about it, but I’ll deal. Trust me, though. I understand the lightning-strike idea.”

  They eyed each other for a second. Trinity’s eyes were solemn, a smile curving her lips as she said, “If lightning hits it tonight, we can’t be blamed. We have no control over acts of God, right?”

  “Nope.” Noah shot her a grin. “Absolutely none. But I’m not going to bet on that happening.”

  * * *

  Under most circumstances, Trinity didn’t let herself think about that smile of his for too long. The state of mind it put her in just wasn’t conducive to much of anything, except hot, dirty fantasies.

  But hot and dirty were much better than fear and fury. So she let herself think about the smile, until she realized she was staring at his mouth and then she jerked her gaze away.

  The weight of the world felt like it rested on her shoulders as she focused on the front yard. Ali stood on the porch, her hands tucked in her back pockets as she rocked back on her heels, keeping some kind of control over the boys while Noah and Trinity stayed by the truck.

  “That house will still be standing come morning,” Trinity said, forcing the words out. “Sooner or later, I’m going to have to go back to it. How can I sleep there, knowing there was a body buried under it all these years?”

  “I’d say you cross that bridge when you come to it.” He hauled the suitcase out of the back of his truck, shoulder muscles flexing under the faded material of his T-shirt. That soft, liquid feeling rolled through her and she shifted her gaze away, staring down at the ground before he looked back at her.

  “Any idea what you’ll do for the next few days?” he asked. “You’ve been putting in a lot of time around the house, I know.”

  Trinity’s grey eyes cut to his for just a moment. “I guess I’ll probably start looking for a job,” she said, sighing. “I was waiting until we’d settled things more with the house, but apparently it will be a few days before I can get back to it. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll wait—”

  She went still as he reached up, touched her cheek. The warmth of his hand on her skin sent shivers racing through her. “It’s going to be okay, you know,” he said softly. “I promise you, that light at the end of the tunnel is not a train.”

  “I hope not.” The smile she plastered on her face felt fake and tight. “And if it is, maybe I’ll just stockpile some dynamite. That will derail a train, right?”

  “It just might.”

  Abruptly she realized it had gotten quiet. She looked up and saw that the yard was empty.

  “Ali herded the wild ones inside just a couple of minutes ago. She’s got lots of practice at it.”

  “Oh.” The exhaustion slammed into Trinity, and more than anything she wanted to find a horizontal surface and just collapse. For a million years. A gentle hand closed around her arm and she looked down, saw Noah’s fingers curled around the crook of her elbow.

  “Come on,” he said softly. “Let’s go sit down.”

  Sit down.…

  Then she saw the porch swing. He left the suitcase by the door. Part of her wanted to disappear in the house. Being out here alone with him would only make it
that much easier to lean against him, and that was exactly what she’d wanted to do ever since he’d pulled away long enough to boost her up out of that awful, dark hole.

  His hands had been certain and steady and his voice had been the same way as he told her what he was doing. You need to get out of here. I’ll lift you up. Then you get my ladder off my truck. If it’s too heavy, just call nine-one-one. I’ll be fine.…

  He’d jumped down there so she wouldn’t be alone.

  He’d stayed with her, at her side, ever since.

  The kindness was about to do her in.

  As they sat down on the porch swing, she kept a careful distance between them, her hands knotted in her lap. Staring straight ahead, she let him set the swing into motion. The slow, easy rhythm lulled her and she was slumped back within a few seconds.

  “Are you okay?” he asked a few minutes later.

  “I’m fine,” she said automatically. The lie felt so false, it was a wonder her nose didn’t start growing. Fine … how in the hell am I ever going to be fine again? Images of that grotesque, malformed body she’d seen kept flashing in front of her eyes.

  How long—

  But before her mind could complete the question, she cut it off. She wasn’t going to let herself think about that. She couldn’t. She just couldn’t.

  If she did, she was going to go mad.

  Something moved out of the corner of her eye, and she froze, watching as Noah lifted a hand and brushed her hair back from her face, then rubbed his thumb over her cheek. “You’ve got a bruise,” he murmured. “Are you sure you didn’t hit something when you fell?”

  “Oh, I hit something,” she said sourly. “My butt.” It had hurt like hell, too, and she still felt stiff and achy when she moved. Then she shrugged. “I ache some, but it’s nothing major, I don’t think.”

  He nodded slowly. “If you’re sure. If something starts hurting, let me know. I’ll give you the names of a couple of doctors in town.”

  She grimaced. Doctors. They ranked up on her list with dentists and lying ex-lovers—people she didn’t want to see. “I’ll be fine.” If she wasn’t, that was a problem she’d deal with later on. She had enough to think about just then.